When/how did you tell your spouse?

Anonymous_Female · 05-26-2011, 11:44 AM

Some people don't ask for a separation, they just leave. Some don't know their spouse filed for divorce until they are served with the papers. Some talk about things in advance and come to joint decisions with joint plans for S or D.

At what point in the decision-making process did you reveal to your spouse that you wanted (or were pursuing) a separation or divorce? And what factors influenced your decision to tell--or not tell--them when you did?

Jellybeans · 05-26-2011, 11:54 AM

After a 9 months of asking him to go to MC with me (he refused) and the worst time in our marriage, I told him it was best we separated. Things were very bad between us. What influenced me was the fact that he was emotionally abusive. The main thing was he would stonewall me constant. He hadn't spoken to me for 1.5 month before I left.

We separated.

3 months later - the same week we started MC and I signed his greencard, he filed D. He later withdrew it but I never signed it to get it withdrawn.

We were divorced 1 1/2 month ago.

In most cases, divorces are not mutual.

DelinquentGurl · 05-26-2011, 11:59 AM

My H & I had been fighting for months, and kept going back and fourth as to what we were going to do. Finally one day he told me he wanted a D, so I told him he had to leave.
That was 3 months ago. He has since said he doesn't want a D, he just wants some time to work on himself. I agree that we both need to work on things separately before we can work on our marriage, but I no longer hold out any hope that we will be able to work through this.
I've changed so much in the past 3 months but he isn't able to get over the past. While I can understand where he is coming from, I am not going to beg and plead for him to change his mind. I've made mistakes and I'm owning up to them. If my mistakes have cost me my marriage, I feel just awful about it, but I can't beat myself up over something I can't change.
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rider03 · 05-26-2011, 12:13 PM

I don't recall a definitive moment when it happened. We had argued so many times and I would say we neeeded to just get divorced. One day, I just started staying at a rental condo I had. Just sleeping there. Went back home after 3 months, then six months later I completely moved out. Ended up back home after 8 months and now I just flat out told her I was planning on filing for divorce this summer.

Smokey · 05-26-2011, 06:19 PM

My wife (of 16 years) left today. It started getting rough a month or two ago, I have definitely been pushing the conversations. She has another love interest, and it finally came to a head when I confronted her this morning after I checked our cell phone records. The first mention of separating was last Friday, when she asked what that would mean.

VeryHurt · 05-28-2011, 08:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sadand

My H never said a word until I asked him why he was withholding sex from me. He told me he had been in IC and that he decided he needed a divorce. Almost 30 years together and he couldn't even be bothered to tell me he was thinking about divorce. I was and still am completely stunned

I am stunned too. Horrible. Be Strong.