My husband left me but I am NOT giving up
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Old 05-28-2011, 01:23 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy My husband left me but I am NOT giving up

We have been together for more than 4 years and married for 3. He is my best friend and I am his and he used to be soooo crazy about me. Last week, he moved out of the flat and he has been stressing the last few months that the married life has become so toxic he wants to be single again and not-committed, and he is NOT seeing any other girl.

I've talked to a few counselors who made me quite calm and composed and I am able to regain the friendship with my husband. However he stresses out that we are definitely OVER as a couple and will NEVER come back to our house. It hurts me to death but I don't want to disagree as this will push him further away.

He is still my best friend and I think I am his because we have been traveling the during the entire duration of our marriage (being expats, working holidays, students) and so we are really closed.

The problem is he said he DOESN'T want to be a husband anymore but is willing to be a friend and he understands how tough it is for me to be left alone like this after all these years. Whenever he sees me, he will hug and kiss me and tells me to be strong and that I can be alright. He knows that I frequently have nightmares and now especially I am so distressed he feels very sorry that I am sleeping alone, he offered he can stay over once-a-week but ONLY as a friend.

I think deep down in his heart, he still has feelings for me but he was also badly hurt my behavior when we were married, I was incessantly making demands and complains a lot and I used to have problems in controlling my anger (due to bad hormonal imbalance which I am now treating).

Anyway, please I just need the support and hope that there is STILL a glimmer of hope in our story. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH and I WILL DO ANYTHING for him. I know I can make him happy again because actually he said he is having fun just hanging out with me as a friend because I am funny and cute.
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Old 05-28-2011, 01:26 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband left me but I am NOT giving up

I feel the same way about my wife, it's over but I'm not giving up. I don't know what to do either. This is hell.
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Old 05-28-2011, 01:33 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband left me but I am NOT giving up

This says it all:

However he stresses out that we are definitely OVER as a couple and will NEVER come back to our house.

The problem is he said he DOESN'T want to be a husband anymore but is willing to be a friend

You say you don't want to disagree with him but you are, in essence, disagreeing with himm by sayinjg you know you can do something to change his mind (cause you know how to make him happy).

He has said he's done, doesn't want to be a husband, wants to be free. You can try to fake a relationship with him but he has shown you by moving out and has told you through his words he is done and he is never coming back.

I understand you are hurt right now but wanting to hold onto something false is not healthy.

It makes things worse, actually.

If he wants out, let him go. The more you cling, the worse for you.

It's good you're getting counselling to deal with the fallout of your marriage as well as your anger issues.
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Old 05-28-2011, 01:34 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband left me but I am NOT giving up

I am just hoping for a miracle to change his mind.

We are going to do couple's counselor next week but it was only because he is deeply concerned how I am coping up and not because he wants to reconcile.

But I hope it will open up doors for him to talk about what broke the camel's back for him to leave.
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Old 05-28-2011, 01:35 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband left me but I am NOT giving up

If you feel there is even a glimmer of hope, then fight for your marriage.
My only caution to you is to establish some boundaries with him. I am assuming you two are no longer intimate? If you are, I would stop. You don't want him getting all of his needs met without having the commitment to go with it.

I'm sorry your going through this.
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Old 05-28-2011, 01:38 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband left me but I am NOT giving up

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We are going to do couple's counselor next week but it was only because he is deeply concerned how I am coping up and not because he wants to reconcile.
If you do the counselling, you need dto understand that he's just doing it to assuage how you feel--it's not cause he wants to get back together. So you need to go into it knowing that.

I personally think couples counselling works if the purpose isn't for restoring the "couple." It defeats the point.

It does sound like you want closure and/or the answer as to why he left. So just ask him directly and see what he says so you can move forward knowing what it was.
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Old 05-28-2011, 01:44 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband left me but I am NOT giving up

DG is right about not sleeping with him.

You have to show him there are consequences for his actions. Meaning, if he doesn't want the marriage and to be your husband, no nookie, amongst other things. Don't let him get all his needs met by you as he abandons you. This will make it 20x worse. Trust me. He will lose more respect for you also...if you cling like a vine while he is leaving you. He will think, "This woman has no respect, look at the way she is acting and humiliating herself, putting herself out there for me to do whatever I want/when I want. "

Read the book "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson soon. Get it at your library and bookstore.
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Old 05-28-2011, 05:35 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband left me but I am NOT giving up

I love him so much. I know he really loved me because he gave up so much for our marriage to work, he compromised a lot of things, and he was really taking care of me. I know I hurt him so badly several times, by always complaining and never appreciating all of his efforts. I really regret, really, really do. Because he was spoiling me like a baby, I never thought he would ever leave.

If we ever go to counseling I would tell him how badly I have been acting up, I know it hurt him so much, my repeated actions that drove him to this point. And from there, I will just hope for the best.
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Old 05-28-2011, 06:07 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband left me but I am NOT giving up

Actually, my husband has been asking me to go to the counselor together as early as last year, but I refused to listen, I told him, we can solve these on our own. He went on his own and apparently that is when he realised he has to end this marriage ASAP because it has been affecting him so badly and I refuse to listen to him.

I really, really regret. I know this wouldn't have happened if I have cooperated more and acknowledge that we have a big problem.

Also, I am hoping that he could be saying things like NEVER and IT's OVER, only because it was so fresh, less than 2 weeks of separation and it's the initial feeling of freedom-happiness.
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Old 05-31-2011, 03:34 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband left me but I am NOT giving up

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Originally Posted by DelinquentGurl View Post
If you feel there is even a glimmer of hope, then fight for your marriage.
My only caution to you is to establish some boundaries with him. I am assuming you two are no longer intimate? If you are, I would stop. You don't want him getting all of his needs met without having the commitment to go with it.

I'm sorry your going through this.
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How can you fight for your marriage whilst (pretending) to let go and give your husband the space and freedom they want? I just cant understand this?!?
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Old 05-31-2011, 04:36 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband left me but I am NOT giving up

You can fight for your marriage but establish some boundaries so your not a doormat.
If the OP does not set any boundaries, then that gives H the impression that he can come and go as he pleases, be intimate, and not have any marital responsibility.

Cake eating is another thing it's called.
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Old 05-31-2011, 04:43 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband left me but I am NOT giving up

It is absolutely FUTILE to try to hold onto someone who is RUNNING away from you.

The sooner you can grasp that concept, OP, the much better off you'll be.

Remember, to work on a marriage it takes TWO. If one does not want to do the work and/or wants out, open up the door for them and let them go.
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Old 05-31-2011, 07:35 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband left me but I am NOT giving up

Like jellybean had said and I hear from ALOT of people, "it takes two". Yet, I have found plenty of reading material on making your marriage work even when it's only you doing all the work. After months of reading and talking to others I think the only possibility to succeed is to give him space while taking care of yourself. he will not forget that you still love him. He will not forget you miss him deeply. But what you have to do right now is work on making you the best you you can. Educate yourself, work out, eat healthy, hang out with friends, even try to make yourself more attractive. As sure as I am that my wife noticed my change in appearance, he will notice your change. That miracle you pray for is when he sees that you are making the best of a bad situation and hoping he will step back and reevaluate the situation. I believe the same for my wife and your husband. they were once madly in love and happy to spend forever with us. Sure time changed feelings but that love has not disappeared forever, I believe it is just lost in the murky world we live in. Work on yourself and remind him of the amazing woman he married. I believe in it and I think you soon will too. Good luck!
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Old 05-31-2011, 09:44 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband left me but I am NOT giving up

The one piece of advice I've taken away from my counseling sessions is the win/win scenario. I have to work on myself so that I put myself in the best possible position to win back my partner or the best position to win at the game of independence and starting over. Without rehashing the last 8 months, I took my marriage troubles and eventual separation very hard. I fought for us but looking back saw it appeared desperate most of the time. The months after were difficult, having low self-esteem and hopelessness. It wasn't until I realized there was a reason she picked me and she DID pick me to spend forever with. I had lost sight of simple truths, my humor or kindness or hard work ethic and replaced it with bitterness, guilt and anger. Once I knew the best future was picking myself up, brushing off the negativity and putting purpose and confidence into all I do things began to look brighter.

Sure, the odds are still against me that my marriage will be reconciled. Sure, I may be setting myself up for a disastrous fall. But I will have no regrets, no shame and lessons to take towards a future that will be full of happiness. Besides, the last time I saw her, even though she left upset with me (another story another time) I knew she saw I was doing better than her with this separation. I could tell she found me attractive and that little seed of doubt just needs time and love to grow into the woman that used to argue with me who loved who the most. I will go to bed tonight wondering how tomorrow can bring me closer to her even if we have zero contact. Tomorrow will be a bright day, I have the faith and confidence to make my own bright warm light. Good luck (boy did I ramble on and on )
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Old 06-01-2011, 07:24 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband left me but I am NOT giving up

My husband said he needs one month to think whether he wants to come back or not but most likely from our discussion in the MC, he's not coming back. He tried to act cooly in front of the counselor and he made me look like a fool.

His mind seems to be dead sure that he doesn't love me anymore and he wants to be free.

I guess it's over for us. I am giving up.
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