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Telling the kids

1K views 13 replies 9 participants last post by  Nomorebeans 
#1 ·
How do we tell the kids we are separating? They are 8 and 13.

I think my 13 yr old son won't really mind - he and my husband are oil and water and my son has Asperger's, so he's not really an emotional type.

But my 8 yr old daughter - wow. I cry just thinking about what this will do to her.

Contrary to what people always say, our kids have no idea anything is wrong. In front of the kids and in the home we have always maintained a friendly and loving demeanor. This will be a complete shock to them.

I don't even know what to say to them.
 
#2 ·
What is the actual underlying reason for the separation?

If the impending separation is one of amicability, then this task should be done jointly by the two of you, to basically provide assurances to your kids that their general welfare will be looked out for and that the two of you will always be there for them and will always love them.

If perchance it is not a pleasant separation, then I might suggest that you seek out the help of a competent IC/ individual or family counselor to help you out with viable suggestions!
 
#3 ·
The underlying reason is that my H is a Narcissist in the middle of a huge Mid-Life Crisis who has cheated on me for almost a year, who has basically decided that "this life we have is not his dream". He is just basically an unhappy person and thinks that by leaving his family he will find happiness.

But obviously I'm not gonna tell the kids that ;) As far as the separation goes, it is amicable and we want the kids to have the most stable transition possible.
 
#4 ·
The underlying reason is that my H is a Narcissist in the middle of a huge Mid-Life Crisis who has cheated on me for almost a year, who has basically decided that "this life we have is not his dream". He is just basically an unhappy person and thinks that by leaving his family he will find happiness.

But obviously I'm not gonna tell the kids that ;) As far as the separation goes, it is amicable and we want the kids to have the most stable transition possible.
Kids will really want to know about WHERE they will be living and when, etc. Logistics. Make sure you assure them they won't be leaving their home, they can still....play sports or whatever their activities are, etc. Beyond that, other people here can articulate better than me the emotional stuff you should tell them.
 
#5 ·
I agree with SecondTime. At 8, the most terrifying thing is where they live and go to school. They want to know that you and STBX have thought about them so have that all lined up before you tell them. Know where everyone is going to live, will the schools be the same, can they see their friends, when will they see Dad, will they still have money to live on. And say one too many times, it is not their fault. I know you think the kids have no idea, but I bet you're probably wrong. Kids are far more intuitive than you want to believe. They will not tell you what they saw, or heard, or suspect because they would never want to hurt you.

So I would advise that during the first talk (and there will be lots of talks) don't even broach the why's of the separation. DO NOT LIE to them just because you think they are too young to understand. Any lie you tell them now will come back to haunt you. So if she asks why, you better have some truthful statement prepared. Of course you don't say "Honey, daddy is a lying, cheating pig." But IMO, there is nothing wrong with saying daddy hurt my feelings and we need to separate. Also consider having a counselor lined up, either at school or from your GP. There are times having a non-family member to vent with is a safe release.

Prepare yourself for her tears, and likely her anger. It is justified and often terrifying. Her world is coming to an end, who wouldn't be angry.

If it helps, my youngest DD was about ten when I told her. She ran in her room in tears and hid under the covers. Now, three years later, she's great. Really great.

Sorry you and the kids have to go through this.
 
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#6 ·
The first time we split, my STBX refused to be a part of the conversastion because he didn't want the divorce. I was forced to do it alone, which is awful. And, it was awful. Probably the hardest conversation I've ever had to have. It was not a shock for them, but it was still super sad. They both cried. I cried. Then, something magical happened while we were sitting there at the kitchen table wrapping up the conversation. The ice cream man could be heard coming down the street. We all got ice cream and it cheered them up immensely. I knew where the man lived because he kept his truck at his house, and I wrote him a thank you note and put it in his mailbox even though he had no idea he was our angel that day.

The second time (reminder: we're in a failed reconciliation now and I'm moving out next month) it certainly was no surprise because of hearing us fight, etc. and he told them by himself and told me the next day he did it. I was absolutely shocked he did that. They are doing OK.

The most important thing is to just be the very best parents you can be and love them.
 
#13 ·
The first time we split, my STBX refused to be a part of the conversastion because he didn't want the divorce. I was forced to do it alone, which is awful. And, it was awful. Probably the hardest conversation I've ever had to have. It was not a shock for them, but it was still super sad. They both cried. I cried.

I don't blame him. I would do the same thing if I was him. You wanted the divorce so you should be the one to tell your children. I think he thought that if he was with you when you told the children then it would look like it was a mutual decision when it was not.
 
#8 ·
Tell them a modified and age-appropriate version of the truth. Children sometimes have a tendency to blame themselves. Reassure them (over and over if necessary). They will be obviously shocked and hurt. Especially if they didn't see this coming (although children pick up on tension more than parents realize). It will take some time, maybe a lot of time, for them to move beyond this but they will. And so will you. You didn't expect to have to create a new life for them and for you but that doesn't mean it won't be a very good one. You've been living with the stress of your husband actively cheating for a year. When you finally put that burden down, you'll be amazed how good it feels.
 
#9 · (Edited)
You have a tricky situation.

I read your other thread and I feel what you may need to be prepared for is questions.

First and foremost, you need to be honest. You are setting a precedent with this conversation. Of course, it needs to be age appropriate, but honest nonetheless.

Prepare yourself for crying.

Reinforce your love for them.

Do not protect your STBXH.

There are many, many articles about this online.

You do not want your kids coming back later asking why you kept the truth from them.

ETA: personal experience, my kids did not see it coming. They were oblivious to our problems and this bore out in therapy years later.

This could be a complete shock to them. I think this happens a lot when infidelity is involved. Especially exit affairs.

This is not your problem. It is not on you to make it easy for STBXH. I'm not saying to drop him in the grease. You need to do what's best for you.
 
#12 ·
ETA: personal experience, my kids did not see it coming. They were oblivious to our problems and this bore out in therapy years later.

This could be a complete shock to them. I think this happens a lot when infidelity is involved. Especially exit affairs.

This is not your problem. It is not on you to make it easy for STBXH. I'm not saying to drop him in the grease. You need to do what's best for you.
This. My son did not see it coming, either, especially, I think, because an exit affair was involved and STBXH was wanting so desperately to hide the fact that he is a POS from him.

And I agree - as you and others have said, tell an age-appropriate, gentle form of the truth. But tell the truth. They will appreciate that you valued them enough to do that.
 
#10 ·
Endeavour to tell them your story together. Agree on the basic script (age appropriate), avoid blame, avoid tears, tell them some basics about living, friends and school. They probably know already.

Sadly, after agreeing to all this with my STBXW, the next day she decided to be 'assertive' and tell them herself while I was at work. They both were moderately happy/relieved about it and said stuff along the lines of 'at last'. My wife, having lost this power battle, then accused me of telling them without her (rather than assuming her repeated screams for divorce for much of the last 2 years may have given the game away).

Your husband may try a similar power-trick. While it infuriated me (even surprised me a bit), it worked out for the best. If we had done it together, I'm sure she'd have taken the opportunity to thrown a nasty tantrum in front of them. This way, she just lost the wind in her sails.
 
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