Been with my wife for 9 years married for 5. Within the last 6 months she's been going out every weekend till all hours of the night. We've had our fights and I sometime yell and scream to get my point accross. The last fight was over a guy that she had been texting that i found out about through a mutual friend. After that fight the next day she wanted a separation and i moved to a friends house.
It's been almost 3 months now and i miss them and love them immensely. I have my daughter every other weekend and when she doens't have her she goes out parting. I've realized that I have been verbally abusive and accussing her of cheating. I don't know what to do.
I'm paying my friend rent and also paying for 1\2 the mortgage for the house and also give her 1/2 the money for the dayhome that our daughter is in.
She said she needs space to think about what she wants and wheather she can believe me that things will be different. We haven't filed for legal separation or divorce and the house is not up for sale. Also everything in the house remains the same. family and wedding pictures. Although she has stopped wearing her wedding ring. I don't know what to do and sometimes breakdown without any warning. I miss my wife and daughter. Maybe over the years i brought this on myself. Any advice on what i can do?
Right now you are establishing a status quo, that if a court is brought into the picture will have no problem maintaining since it has been working and functional at this time.
Moving out may have seemed emotionally the only thing you can do, but you need to get back in that house and get back to being the Daddy those kids deserve.
This isnt a point with which to martyr yourself.
"space to think" equates to space to party with the other man until it dies out or escalates.
If you like things the way they are right now as of now, you are setting up a situation that the courts will MAINTAIN.
We have all broken down and its normal.
The pain is unbearable, but you will survive and it WILL GET BETTER, and eventually, you will be at a good place again.
Right now however, it is absolutely imperative, that you not make the same mistakes so many other dads have, by excluding yourself, paying for everything, and letting her call every shot.
Marriage counseling might be a way to communicate to each other, ask her if she is willing.
my bet is that she is so infatuated with the freedom from "real life" that it will be hard to get her to consider it.
you are doing your daughter no favors whatsoever by backing out of her life. I say its time to press the button and get a game plan.
The main reason that i've moved out is that I thought that the physical separation would help us get back together. I don't know if i'd be able to move back into the house. I'd have to stay on the couch due to the lack of space.
lostboy, I was writing you a message but found my words were just too confusing, I don't think I'm in the headspace right now to be offering advice or helping you analyze where things could have gone wrong. But like Shooboomafoo says, don't retreat from your daughter, you are her parent and have every right to be there for her, don't settle for every other weekend, and don't let yourself miss her, be there for her every chance you can even if its not "your weekend" you stil have a right to see her whenever it is possible. If you miss her now imagine how that will affect your relationship with her once this becomes the permanent arrangement!
You are being blamed, and your shouting (that doesnt help matters) is being used as a convenient tool to give her reason to continue her present lifestyle of partying and having a relationship of some sort with another man. My wife had to really dig to find something to blame me for, to suit her justifications for her own actions.
But thats what it is. Blameshifting. finding faults with you, that though may be very relevant, should be addressed in marriage counseling or therapy by anyone interested in their marriage. She is simply using that to hold over your head to continue her current situation.
So all of this partying until late hours in the night every weekend and communicating with other men is because you are "mad" about this behavior? What happened to her saying "honey we have a problem and I think we need to get help with counseling or something because I love you and want this marriage to work."???
A concerned marriage-oriented wife would seem to lean towards something along those lines as opposed to acting "single".
If its the couch you must sleep on, you do so. Then you two get into counseling to fix your marriage issues. I am afraid my man, that its far too gone for that, and that she will not be interested.
Worse yet, she is going to start havin some of her older cougar girl friends coaching her about what she can get from you in a divorce.
It wouldnt hurt to be a little more prepared even if you can salvage your marriage.
During the week I'm unable to see my daughter because i work long hours just outta town in the evenings. I honestly don't think she wants a divorce and i certainly DO NOT. The only real time i can see my daughter is on the weekends. You are right that she's not interested in councelling anymore. I've gone by myself a few times. I just want to be able to make this work and move back to the house as a couple. I hope this all works out cause I don't think I will ever feel better (even though you guys say it does)
I hear ya... you gotta do what you gotta do, but I still think you should be making the time for your daughter as impossible as it may seem... it sounds like weekends has been the situation for some time, so maybe it would be better to ask for every weekend with her instead of every other one - that doesn't mean that you prohibit your wife access, just that on weekends you are the caregiver. I hope you can work it all out with your wife, I believe reconcilation is always an amazing result, but you do have to realize you are only half the equation, and you need to focus on that half.
lostboy, sorry man but your chick is having way to much fun to even consider working it out. This plan you have will only make it more convienent for her to continue.
So your going to give me money and stay away from me so that I can do what ever I want. That is freaking awsome! I just have to manage you correctly. string you along just enough to get my money but distance you enought to have fun. I would never leave you..never ever never.
Dude its time for some tough love and granted this kind of crap you will need to dumb on her will be tough as hell it will push her away, but at least you will stop paying for her boyfriends to hang out in your Lazyboy.
Man, the space you are giving her is just more time she has with her ....OK lets pretend there isn't another man, but you sure are making it convienent for her to continue to party.
Move back home, wait for Friday night, and by 10:00 PM your chick will be out at the club and by 3:00 am you can easily have your stuff back in. If you are on the lease then you have every legal right to be there. Just remember have a witness spend the night b/c she is going to be pissed, maybe so pissed she calls the cops and falsly accuses you.
Any way... you are in fact going about this all wrong in my opinion.
Sorry for the bad news, but bottom line, she has no reason right now to work any thing out with you, she is big time cake eating!
The best way to fight for this marriage is to make it as inconvienent and as uncomfortable for your wife to continue with her behavior. God I hope you see this.
I'm not telling you that you can control her but you sure can make it more difficult for her...at least on the weekends.
Good luck you will need it. Your current battle plan is not working.
#1 get back home even on the couch
#2 quitely investigate her behavior and her actions, she will never want to work on her marriage until the "party" fog is gone(party=OM)
#3 gather the hard evidence that can show others, and even her self how unhealthy her behavior is.
# 4 confront her with the black and white proof and new boundries and the hope to repair the marriage.
Remember you cant control her so dont try, but you can control how you act and how you want to behave.
I am in the same situation. Except I moved to the guest bedroom and the wife has the master so she has all the conveniences to pretty up and go out and shake her a** every fricking weekend on Friday and Saturday till wee hours of the morning... arrrghhh...
I'm okay now...
I made a huge mistake by moving out of our bedroom. She wants out so she should have been the one to move out, not me. Too late now but I am thinking about telling her I want the room back.
Now is the time to be strong - physically and mentally. Start working out and taking care of your health. Leave the drinking alone - it does not help - I know from experience. For emotional strength: hang out here and pay attention to the advice you are getting. Counseling, talk to supportive friends and famile, male and female.
She is the wayward one and she is the one disrespecting your marriage, so she should be the one to feel the pain, not you.
the_guy gave you some solid advice; heed it my friend. Time is not your friend at this point. So get on the stick and get busy. You have a life to live so go live it.
I have strongly agree with the previous poster. You should not be away from your home. Move back in now. She is the one in tge wrong. Texting another man and partying while married is flat out wrong. You yelling can be addressed at a later time.
Now you have a responsibility to be present for your daughter and to keep an eye on your wife and record her activities in case you decide to separate and divorce.
A judge can exercise a good deal of discretion when it comes to financial settlement and they take a dim view of cheating and partying. Get back into your home you could be accused of abandoning your family. If she wants to separate, she can leave and leave your child in her house for stability. Posted via Mobile Device
Its your bed go to it. I know it may seem insignificant if she chooses to sleep in the other one but its not. I left our bed because of a health problem - she always referred to it as snoring, but as I recently found out I was literally gagging on a nasal polyp, so basically choking all night. Point is she said she couldn't sleep, said she'd take the guest one, I said no, no I will, all your clothes and makeup etc are in here blah blah. Big mistake. Time machine = me sleeping in my own bed and she fingures out the solution to her problem.