already divorced trying to get wife back

fuller14 · 06-10-2011, 11:38 AM

been officially divorced since 06. Have full custoday, which we agreed on. I am 28 old male, ex wife is 28. I am looking to get her back. We have been on a reconcile stage for 5 months now. We hang out every weekend. I pay for all her bills, and so forth. She has a job and all that. her dad passed away 6 months ago. We have not been intimate in 16 months. This week has been crazy. I haven't spoken to her all week. We usually talk or text but this week nothing. I even gave her money for a boob job and stuff. It's getting to the point that I am feeling used. I want to be a family. we have a 3 yr old daughter which lives with me and my parents. I need woman perspectives on what she could possibly be thinking. Why no intimacy? yes, I have asked her, she says she is always tired, and I always bug her and ask. It's the same ole excuses. Intimacy and not talking to her through the week leads to our arguments. I dont feel wanted. Need help. I appreciate it.

Lon · 06-10-2011, 12:11 PM

I have a hard time relating to your story, but it seems to me you have compromised a lot and weren't able to set boundaries - if she has a job then why are you paying for her lifestyle still? If it works for you, then I guess it is fine, there is no authority in the world that can say you are not allowed to reconcile if you both want to (in the eyes of some lke me your official marital status is just paperwork, its the relationship that matters), but from what it sounds like to me you've set yourself up to get walked all over. All I can say is make sure you know what you are getting back into, make sure you have both made the changes necessary to make it work, and are both willing to continue working on things. Or maybe your relationship with her is truly better as just a frienship, or friends with benefits, or just physical, I don't know but you have no obligation to make this something you don't want it to be.

magnoliagal · 06-10-2011, 12:25 PM

This story is odd. You've been divorced for 5 years, you had a kid while divorced and you still support her. What the heck?

From the perspective of woman all across the country that is like the perfect relationship. All the benefits of marriage without having to put out, clean house or do squat really. I mean you paid for her to get a boob job. Who are those for? Sure not you.

The reason you feel used is because you are. If you pulled the plug on her lifestyle I bet she'd sleep with you then....in a heartbeat. Right now she has no reason to and you've allowed it.

fuller14 · 06-10-2011, 01:09 PM

you may be right. We were married 5 years ago. We were married when we had our daughter. I made a mistake cause I was the one to file the papers to do the divorce. I don't believe in divorce, but by her actions, I am being used. I am in denial. I try to communicate with her, but she just won't let me in her heart. I have supported her and have done everything possible.

staircase · 06-10-2011, 01:10 PM

This is ridiculous, I'm sorry. You have full custody, pay her bills and PAID FOR A BREAST AUGMENTATION???

I just can't think of a nice way of putting this: stop being her doormat. You obviously love her but her actions are speaking very loudly-she is using you.

Sanity · 06-10-2011, 01:19 PM

Its time you talk to a counsler and figure out if you have co-dependacy issues. She is using you my friend. You should NOT be paying her bills. If you have full custody does she pay you CS?

fuller14 · 06-10-2011, 01:24 PM

yes i get child support from her monthly

staircase · 06-10-2011, 01:48 PM

Well that's good. Is it totally negated by you paying for all her crap, though?

man, I need this set up.

fuller14 · 06-10-2011, 01:51 PM

she doesnt want me obviously huh?

staircase · 06-10-2011, 01:55 PM

Listen, I am sorry I am coming across so harshly. Normally I am a giant marshmallow. I am sure you're hurting and feeling a lot of ups and downs here.

I mean if you hear hoof beats do you look for zebras? I think you already know what's going on here. I hope you don't get too hurt.

fuller14 · 06-10-2011, 02:11 PM

true, I appreciate ur responses.

Indy Nial · 06-10-2011, 02:53 PM

I don't get it. I mean you're doing all this stuff for her, its almost like she doesnt respect you. Weird huh?
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Jellybeans · 06-10-2011, 02:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fuller14

. I made a mistake cause I was the one to file the papers to do the divorce. I don't believe in divorce

I'm confused. If you don't believe in divorce then why did you divorce your wife?? Did she want a divorce or did you? What's the story there?

At this time, I'd caution you against paying for boob jobs, her bills and whatever else you're doing. You're not responsible for her anymore.

You say you've tried communicating w/ her and she won't let you in her heart... that's all you need to know. She isn't willing to go back w/ you therefore let her go. You're hurting yourself and not going to be able to move on fully until you let her go.

fuller14 · 06-10-2011, 03:05 PM

i made a mistake, i rushed it and is the biggest mistake of my life. I just want my wife and family back. it's really hard to know you let the best friend, and love of your life leave! But we have been working towards it for the past 5 months, and had plans to move in together here soon. She was even willing to go to MC. But this week has been a complete shut off with communication. I have told her what my needs are and what needs to be fixed. Maybe I need to do a 180 and completely give her space for a while.

magnoliagal · 06-10-2011, 03:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fuller14

she doesnt want me obviously huh?

Just your money.