Feeling like crap today with separation - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
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post #136 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-19-2015, 01:07 PM Thread Starter
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The problem is we are both in the wedding party we are all staying at the same hotel. I'm not so much worried about talking to her I'm more worried about other people getting drunk and trying to talk to us about our situation. There's really no way for me to totally avoid her. I think my main concern is that I'm still mourning our marriage and it's going to suck watching my friends celebrate their relationship...

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post #137 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-19-2015, 01:18 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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The problem is we are both in the wedding party we are all staying at the same hotel. I'm not so much worried about talking to her I'm more worried about other people getting drunk and trying to talk to us about our situation. There's really no way for me to totally avoid her. I think my main concern is that I'm still mourning our marriage and it's going to suck watching my friends celebrate their relationship...
Hmm - the proximity of you both being in the wedding party does make it trickier. I understand what you're saying about mourning your marriage while your wife has already seemingly moved on. This is going to be hard, but I think you have to remind yourself why you're there. You're in the wedding party to help your friends celebrate their wedding, so I think you need to try to compartmentalize things a little bit and separate your need to mourn your marriage (at least for this weekend) from the primary purpose of the weekend. Easy for me to say, I know...
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post #138 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-19-2015, 03:11 PM
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Feeling like crap today with separation

Is there going to be a reception, where everybody is mingling? Going to be tough. You might need a drink, haha.
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post #139 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-19-2015, 11:43 PM Thread Starter
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Yes there's a reception and lots of alcohol. I've done enough drinking the past two days with my buddies to fill a swimming pool. I'm gonna have a couple drinks at the reception but I will not get hammered... I just can't wait to get home Sunday and set some goals to move forward for MY happiness that has been gone for a while now.
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post #140 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-20-2015, 12:24 PM Thread Starter
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post #141 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-20-2015, 12:44 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Hang in there!
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post #142 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-21-2015, 03:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Well I survived the wedding day/night. I saw my wife about an hour before we had to be at the venue while we were all at he resort. She asked If I would walk her to her car to get something because she wanted to see me before the wedding so it was less awkward. We had small talk she said I looked good in my tux nothing much. Standing up at the wedding it was very difficult while our friends read their vows but I held it together. As the night went on we had a few talks, nothing too bad and nothing too good either. At one point she says to me "do you know that I still love you?". Kind of hard question. I know she still loves me but she doesn't seem to love me enough to stay married and change her mind about what she wants to do in the future after med school. We then started talking more in depth about our situation I gave her my coat because it was getting cold. She started crying about our conversation then said that we should probably stop the conversation because she was getting old feelings again. We then basically hung out with our friends the rest of the evening. I said good night to her and we went our separate ways.

Although at the time the evening didn't seem too bad I woke up feeling like crap, sort of like I took two steps back. Her and I both got real close to acting on old feelings last night but neither of us pulled the trigger. I guess I'm not good enough for her anymore. She keeps telling me that she doesn't want to totally lose me and wants us to remain best friends no matter what happens. That sort of pisses me off because I cant just go from being married to then just strictly being best friends.

She made it very clear that her head is still in the spot of wanting to travel after med school and doesn't see herself wanting to settle down and start a family. She wants to go to lunch on a regular basis but I do not think that is a good idea for myself. How am I supposed to get over her and move forward if I'm constantly seeing her? I still love her and I'm still soooooo attracted to her so us being around each other like last night was very very difficult. I found myself looking around the reception hall worried that I'd catch her flirting with some guy then I would tell myself no stop I need to worry about myself not her.

Sorry if my post is sort of all over the place or hard to read but these are the thoughts that came to mind about the wedding last night. Thanks to all who have been here supporting me through all of this.
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post #143 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-21-2015, 03:18 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Don't beat yourself up for not being able to keep your distance away from her or go completely dark. Emotionally detaching is a process that is not achieved overnight and will require many attempts before it becomes a reality. So cut yourself some slack.

Lastly, stop medicating with the booze. It really doesn't help to resolve any issues and you will feel like crap the following day. Your health, physical and emotional, should be your priority and alcohol only sabotages it.

'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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post #144 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-21-2015, 10:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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MrPack, I'm so sorry you feel that way
Your wife has a big dream apparently..and we only have one life...have you ever tried to find out more details about her plans? When is med school over?
She finishes med school in 3 years. As far as details about her plans... she wants to literally graduate and move to another country via a school program to start her career as a doctor. This may seem cold but that is not the future I want. I want a woman who loves me for me and wants to start a family. I've worked my A$$ off for years to get where I am and to support her while she finds herself I deserve happiness. Yes her dream is big and she's always been the type of person to have big dreams but in my eyes she has never grown up and realized at some point in life you need to start acting like an adult and stop chasing every damn "dream" that comes your way. Literally she went from wanting a family life 5 years ago to wanting a new adventure or dream every other month.
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post #145 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-22-2015, 04:17 AM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Quote:
Well I survived the wedding day/night. I saw my wife about an hour before we had to be at the venue while we were all at he resort. She asked If I would walk her to her car to get something because she wanted to see me before the wedding so it was less awkward.
It's all about her comfort. She did not want the silent treatment in front of others. That would have made her feel conspicuous.

Quote:
We had small talk she said I looked good in my tux nothing much.
A throw away line that is not sincere. So, yeah, nothing much.

Quote:
Standing up at the wedding it was very difficult while our friends read their vows but I held it together. As the night went on we had a few talks, nothing too bad and nothing too good either. At one point she says to me "do you know that I still love you?". Kind of hard question.
You have to feel pain so that she will feel alive.

Quote:
I know she still loves me but she doesn't seem to love me enough to stay married and change her mind about what she wants to do in the future after med school.
Med school is hard work. So are relationships. Once she becomes a doctor, I'll bet she quits jobs and moves around.

Quote:
We then started talking more in depth about our situation I gave her my coat because it was getting cold. She started crying about our conversation then said that we should probably stop the conversation because she was getting old feelings again.
There you go, causing her pain again. Of course people were watching this drama. But it was just to protect her from having the WAW label stamped on her. She wanted to show everyone how hard it was for her to break up with you.
Quote:
We then basically hung out with our friends the rest of the evening. I said good night to her and we went our separate ways... Her and I both got real close to acting on old feelings last night but neither of us pulled the trigger.
She would have been close to you at the end of the evening if you were supposed to have sex. She probably would have let you kiss her but no more than that.

Quote:
I guess I'm not good enough for her anymore. She keeps telling me that she doesn't want to totally lose me and wants us to remain best friends no matter what happens. That sort of pisses me off because I cant just go from being married to then just strictly being best friends.
It's all unreal. You get married to someone else and have kids and you are supposed to invite her to be godmother to your kids? You're going to get post cards from Africa?

Quote:
She made it very clear that her head is still in the spot of wanting to travel after med school and doesn't see herself wanting to settle down and start a family. She wants to go to lunch on a regular basis but I do not think that is a good idea for myself. How am I supposed to get over her and move forward if I'm constantly seeing her?
She is using you to sustain her sense of self worth. She needs therapy. Get away from her.

Quote:
I still love her and I'm still soooooo attracted to her so us being around each other like last night was very very difficult. I found myself looking around the reception hall worried that I'd catch her flirting with some guy then I would tell myself no stop I need to worry about myself not her.
She already said that you are both free to date and she left so that you wouldn't be able to see her with other men.

I don't think you should stay with her because the likelihood of successful reconciliation is small. However, if you want any chance of reconciliation, you should file for divorce and cut off all contact. She may begin to respect you again and be attracted. You realized that allowing her to keep you dangling is destroying your sex ranking?

You cannot nice a woman back if you were a nice guy to begin with. An abusive guy who becomes kind is someone new – he has changed the pattern. In real life abusive men have trouble fixing themselves. There is a better chance if there is alcohol or some other negative factor that can be removed.

Your situation is different. You have supported her faithfully. Cut off support and you will appear in a new light. Every time you meet and talk and exhibit your tried and true nice guy to her, she gets confirmation that you are the guy who no longer excites her. Not only do you need to place the "period" punctuation mark on your relationship, you must show that you have evolved as a person. You have the self respect to refuse to be patronized.


Last edited by LongWalk; 06-22-2015 at 07:05 AM.
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post #146 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-22-2015, 06:08 AM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Yeah, you can't be "best friends" with her, that's something you'd hear from a 15 year old. I'm sure a new woman would love that, and frankly a new man in her life isn't going to go for that either.

You're either married or not, and if not you have no kids so cut her out of your life. If that makes her feel bad that's her problem.

I get that you're upset because you feel she won't grow up, but the fact is that people do change and it appears she has changed in what she wants. It sucks for you but nobody would be happy if you pushed her into settling and having kid she doesn't want. You've let this drag on far too long, cut the strings now and begin the healing process. You'll feel better just from taking some power back, right now you've allowed her to take it all and powerlessness makes everyone feel like crap.
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post #147 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-22-2015, 06:20 AM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

The next time she brings up being friends, tell her no woman in her right mind would let her boyfriend or husband let him be friends with an ex wife. This may never come up because you will now file for divorce and go dark on her. You will immediately cut all ties, social and financial. Protect yourself with a rabid lawyer.

Get on with the rest of your life.
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post #148 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-22-2015, 06:47 AM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

BTW, I will be shocked if she goes to Africa eventually. That's pie in the sky BS shes picked up from school and her new "buddies". She's no spring chicken and by the time three more years and the shine of school wears off, she will all new goals.
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post #149 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-22-2015, 10:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Another thing she was upset about during the wedding was that none of my buddies or their wives/gf's (who have been like brothers to her for many years now) have contacted her during our separation to see how she is doing. She was saying jsut being around all of them this weekend was hard. I think it was reminding her of what she is leaving behind since she decided to walk away from our life. The thing I am worried about is that this wedding brought back memories to her of all of our friends hanging out together and now she's going to start trying to hangout more and be around more.

As for moving on, I'm workign on getting an appointment with a lawyer this week to at least just get some knowledge of what to expect. I dont plan on contacting her until I am ready to really make some major changes with finances and then the next step will be divorce. She has finals this week so I figured I wouldnt get her full attention anyway if I try to talk to her about important issues this week.

I'm starting to have feelings of failure and wasted years. We were together for a total of almost 11 years married about 6...as I look back at that I feel like it was failed years and wasted years. I mean yea we had our great times thats for sure but was it all worth it now that I"m sitting here barely able to hang on to a normal life?
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post #150 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-22-2015, 01:48 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

MrPac - I have read this board but have never posted. I feel compelled to do so today.

Your situation is so similar to a young man I was a mentor to it is almost startling. I felt so bad for him and feel bad for you. Sometimes my young friend was able to collect himself and other times he wanted to smash a closet wall... or go sit in the closet and cry. All these emotions are normal... they will pass in due time.

I think you wife is somewhat disingenuous. There is no way a med student graduates from medical school and then goes and finds her place in the sun. She has 3, 4, 5 or more years of residency in her future. She will be working 6 and sometimes 7 days a week. Since she is 29, she won't come up for air until age 40 much less travel and be a doc in some exotic location. Not to mention the huge amount of student debt she will incur and have to repay. She is either out of touch with reality or she is shooting you a line a BS.

Ah yes, the old "I love you and want to be best friends routine". This is bunk. You don't go from an intimate relationship to friends. This is simply a means by which your wife is absolving herself from guilt.

MRPack - right now you are in this terrible Chinese water torture h3ll of limbo. You don't know if you are going or coming and she keeps sending you these mixed messages. You can't go on like this forever. It will take a toll on your physical and emotional health. My young friend finally told his wife that she had to decide if she wanted to commit or get a divorce. "I don't know" was not an acceptable answer and would be taken that she opts for divorce. He gave her a month to respond one way or the other. She didn't so he took the only path he could take.

You seem to have good male friends. I urge you to hash this out with them. If they are good friends they will speak honestly with you and tell you things you may not want to hear but you need to hear.

The idea that you won't be able to find a new relationship is nutty. You are 32, unattached and with a good job. The wives of your married friends will fall all over themselves trying to play cupid and set you up. They live for such things. Quite frankly, women will find you. All you have to do is get yourself out into social situations even if you don't feel like it.

I will continue to follow this thread and maybe post a time or two. I have a vested interest in you now. You can do this whatever it may be.
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