Feeling like crap today with separation - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 02:16 PM
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Feeling like crap today with separation

There is NO OTHER EXPLANATION for her saying I am ok with dating others during this separation...as long as we keep it a secret.

She is cheating or wants to cheat and does not want to be called out on it.

Tell her you don't believe married couples should date others and if that is what she wants you will help move things along and file for D.

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post #17 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 02:16 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

MrPack,

This is a dangerous situation. Generally I think it's a terrible mistake to try to control anyone else. However, if you have no boundaries - you WILL become invisible to your partner.

A boundary is simply a line, that if intentionally a repeatedly crossed by someone else, means you edit them out of your environment.

A typically boundary in marriage is the vow to forsake all others.

Your wife has made it clear she wants to use this separation to interview replacement candidates. She wants a 'don't ask, don't tell' model.

If it was me, I'd step on that idea hard.

I'd tell her, 'taking time to decide what you want is fine, evaluating other partners while we are separated is not acceptable. If you are certain that you need to be FREE to date others, than I will free you entirely from this marriage so we can both get on with our lives'.

If you don't do that, you are allowing her to treat the marriage as if it is unimportant. That's a horrible precedent to set.



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update....

I get a call last night from my wifes drunk cousin. He blabbered about how no matter what happens with me and my wife that he will always be there for me and consider me a brother. Then he proceeds to say that he knows nothing but has a feeling that my wife may have met someone else because he thinks this separation just came out of no where. I explained to him that things built up over the past couple years but he just kept saying he thinks theres someone else. Keep in mind my wife has maybe talked to this cousin 2 times in the last 6 months. He swears up and down that he knows nothing, no facts or anything he just has a gut feeling. So anyway I was feeling really good last night up until that call. I dont even talk to the guy much either, he's known in the family for being a drunk and always involved in everyones business but tries to make it seem like he cares. If he truly cared why would he call me all hammered and tell me all his awful suspicions and theories with no facts to back it up?

I talked to my wife this morning because I was pissed and wanted her to know that her cousin was butting into our business and that of course pissed her off. Apparently the same cousin called her last night soon after he had called me. She said he had been drinking all day and was crying on the phone to her about how sad he is for us. Aside from that while talking to my wife today she said it again that she is not seeing anyone right now and then proceeded to say but we are separated and that she consideres that as being somewhat single. She says to me that if I go on dates or meet another women that she doesnt want to know about it but I dont feel the same way. I'm not doign this separation deal so that we can go out and date people. I konw alot of you will read this post and say oh she's definately seeing another man maybe she is but the one thing that her and I always had was honesty. But now she is acting like just because we are separated that we dont have to know everything about what eachother is doing.

I'm losing hope every day it seems like, part of me sees us working things out in the future and another part of me says screw this at the very least file for a legal separation and then look at divorce. I dont know what to do and how much time I should sit around thinking about which direction to go.
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post #18 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 04:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Like I said I have 3 weeks until our friends wedding and the inevidably awkward and tough night. Once that wedding weekend is over I feel right now that I can and will give her the ultimatum. At that time it will be a month and a half. Up to this point it does seem like she is just keeping me on the back burner in case whatever plan she thinks she has doesnt work out. I would have this talk with her right now but I DO NOT want to flare up that drama prior to the wedding and make things harder than they will already be.

Again, thanks everyone for your comments and advice. I never thought I would feel this terrible, up until yesterday I was going through the poor pittiful me phase and telling myself everything will work out if I have faith and stay posititve. Well now I feel like my anger is finally comming out, I'm pissed off that I sacraficed so much for her while she went through under grad only working part time and then med school. I put off alot of goals for myself and goals I thought we wanted but I was wrong. I'm pissed off that she can do this to me and not flinch. Yea maybe she is hurting too but it sure as hell doesnt seem like it. I'm sick that she has treated our marriage and me as not so much of a priority. If there is someone else not only is she obviously going to lose me but she will be losing A LOT of family and friends. How can one person change so much within a couple years? Why did I let it get so bad without confronting it. Okay rant over...
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post #19 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 04:47 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Conflict avoidant are you?

What if by standing your ground now you prevent her from consummating this other relationship she is contemplating?

Dude, she is taking you for a chump!

Who gives a $hit whether you and her have some awkward thing going at a wedding 3 weeks from now?

If she says "No, I am ready to end this M", then you go to the wedding without a ring and show all those single ladies how F'ing awesome you are.
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post #20 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 05:13 PM
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Feeling like crap today with separation

Step one get a copy of her cell phone bill to figure out to whom she is deeply attracted or already attached.
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post #21 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 05:39 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Conflict avoidant are you?
In other areas of life, he might not be conflict avoidant. One thing I have learned is that it is impossible for most people to think completely rationally when confronted with the pain of betrayal. Give him some time to process this. It took me a year to think clearly.

Most of us are 99.5% certain that his wife is involved with another man. However, it is that .5% chance that is very difficult for the BS to let go of.
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post #22 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 06:01 PM
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I feel you should give it at least a year. I know, right now, this may seem like forever. But really, a year can put many things into perspective for you. When my H left me, all my friends and family told me not to make any radical decisions because I wasn't thinking straight. They all told me, give it a year. You will know in a year which way your marriage will end up. Maybe you guys will get back together, maybe you file for a divorce.

So I'm giving you the same advice. A year seems fair. Time goes by so quick that it'll be here before you know it! Hang in there. You're in a tough spot right now. I HATED to be in that limbo state. It was sooooooo unfair! But, at the end, that time apart helped me become stronger. I wish you the best in whatever you decide!
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post #23 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 06:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

When we spoke this morning I told her I dont agree with seeing other people during separation. She then said again that she isnt seeing someone else and I also said I wasnt seeing anyone else. I made it pretty damn clear this morning to her that I do not agree with that thought but I am not prepared enough yet mentally to have the final "showdown" and give her the its my way or the highway talk. Hell I dont even know fully what I want yet.

I know most of you have had experience in situations like this and you have your suspicions based on my posts but knowing who I am and where I'm at with all of this I know that right now I am not prepared to sit down and tell her the bottom line. She wants her space and I've given that to her, now I feel like I am ready to take advantage of that space and do things for myself and when I'm ready and feeling strong and confident I'll lay it all out on the table.

As for the phone bill, I've looked at that damn thing almost every day the past couple weeks and have found nothing unusual. Literally all the numbers she sends/receives texts to or calls/receives calls are the girls in her study group, family, friends that she has been talking to for years. Theres one guy from her school that she texts within the same study group text conversations and he likes guys soo...

I honestly think she made those comments about acting "single" while separated because she wants to be single right now and see if she can handle life without me, does that mean she's found someone else already...I personally dont think so right now but what it does seem to me is that she wants to make herself feel okay with the fact in case she does meet someone while we are separated. And that is just as bad in my mind.

Like I said I appreciate what you guys all have to say and I am asking for advice but its sooo hard when I have close friends, family and her family (aside from her drunk cousin) who all tell me I'm being rediculous for thinking she's seeing someone. I dont know who to listen to anymore.
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post #24 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 06:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

[QUOTE=MrPack;12804073]When we spoke this morning I told her I dont agree with seeing other people during separation. She then said again that she isnt seeing someone else and I also said I wasnt seeing anyone else. I made it pretty damn clear this morning to her that I do not agree with that thought but I am not prepared enough yet mentally to have the final "showdown" and give her the its my way or the highway talk. Hell I dont even know fully what I want yet.


I should have mentioned that there was texting going on this morning after the initial conversation and after my initial post.
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post #25 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 06:17 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

How would you describe her communications with you now? How often does she call and text you? Increasing or decreasing? Are you dating each other at all? Are you having sex at all? How often are you seeing each other?

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post #26 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 06:19 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

I know of one couple who separated for issues not related to infidelity and got back together and are still together. They had 3 kids and she left him for a while, mostly due to mistreatment. She stayed with HIS family.

You know your wife and we don't, but the biggest red flag is her willingness, at least, to date other people. You shouldn't have to be in a position of wondering whether or not she has come across someone "better" than you. If her motivation for the separation is truly to try to work things out, her stance on this issue should be, "HECK no! Seeing anyone else is not even on my radar!"

I get what you mean about the wedding. I'm in a 3 week wait as well (I'm moving out) so I'll wait with you .
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post #27 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 06:40 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Try to stick with one thread, it helps folks follow you.
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post #28 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 06:49 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

MrPack,

You are an intelligent person but it is hard for you to face the truth. Your wife is like an employer who has decided that a certain someone on the staff does not measure up. She is looking for the right way to fire you. At the moment you are on probation. This has shredded your self confidence which only fuels her desire to get rid of you.

Do you remember when she was studying for MCATs? How did she treat you then?

When you got a job how did she treat you? When you got your first pay check and took her out for dinner, how did you feel?

Right now you don't dare put your hand between her legs or touch her breast. In fact do you even dare to hug her? Kiss her? This is no way to live.

As to the wedding it will likely be a tense and miserable experience, unless you can do something crazy and funny to escape the pressure.

1) Look her in the eye and tell her that seeing others is cheating. If she wants to date, divorce. It's that simple. Force her to come out with it instead of drawing out the separation, leaving you in limbo. The limbo is going to make you feel worse than if you just end it.

2) Who files for divorce?
One approach now is file first. In fact, I recommend that you file and give it to her at wedding. Let her break down and run away. The alternative is that you walk around like a self conscious robot.

3) Just do the 180
The purpose of the 180 is make putting an end to it easier on you. It is possible that the 180 will shock her back. You cannot jump if she shows some marginal interest in you. The person who wants the relationship less has all the the power. The person who doesn't want it is the dictator.

Hit the gym. Are you over weight? To help you sleep put in a brutal workout everyday to tire you out completely. What sports do you play?

Has you wife unfriended you on Facebook already?

Maybe you should post pictures of you rowing a scull or rock climbing. Find out what the coolest indie music coming down is. Go and listen. Visit your friends. Go to a fertility clinic and donate sperm, maybe they even pay for it. When you think about your WW/WAW, you can smile and think that maybe your DNA is already combined into making a new human being. I don't have any tattoos, but maybe you should.

Finally, doctors have crazy hours. She hasn't even gotten to the stay all hours of the day and night in the hospital.

How is she paying for medical school? Are you helping her?
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post #29 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 07:32 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

With more detail coming in, it sounds like she waiting to "upgrade" when the time is appropriate. With med school on the horizon, I can't think of a worse time for someone wanting a separation...such a huge waste of finances and energy that could be devoted to study and sleep. This situation triggers my affair spider-sense.

I take it you are still financially floating her in spite of the separation? If so, then she isn't thinking in terms of independence to "think things through", but rather she may be thinking in terms of getting paid and getting to sleep with someone else. I could be way off base, but this doesn't reconcile very well without another person in the picture.

But then again, we don;t really know the preexisting issues that led to the separation. But, if I were thin-slicing the situation, I'd say she has some diminished respect for you, going to med school, is looking to upgrade in all areas of her life, including her marriage, but needs financial stability until graduation, so she is willing to stretch this all out and keep s*** vague and you on the hook until she has her ducks in order.

OR she is already sleeping with someone else and is making things intolerable enough that you will be the one to call it quits first or you get so sexualy frustrated that you will take her up on her hall pass suggestion, and then she can justfiably end the marriage because you are a b*****d for leaving her and sleeping around.

You are a married man with a wife who is acting bizarre...and is giving you nothing to go on...you have every right to rule out an affair...and this drunk cousin calling up seems way out there, but he may actually know more than he is letting on. Some friends/family will give you hints, but often don't want to finger the suspect for fear of coming back on them or breaking someone's confidence. Take what he said as a warning to open your eyes.

Check cell phone bill/statements...she may have a burner phone though. If you are out of physical contact, a VAR might be too risky and intrusive, but I would start pricing a private investigator.
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post #30 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 07:34 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Like I said I appreciate what you guys all have to say and I am asking for advice but its sooo hard when I have close friends, family and her family (aside from her drunk cousin) who all tell me I'm being rediculous for thinking she's seeing someone. I dont know who to listen to anymore.
Listen to everyone's perspective and ideas, including your family members, then use all that information to eventually draw your own conclusions. It's a process that takes time. Ultimately, most people here hope you end up ok, regardless of the outcome. Don't feel pressured by anyone else to make a certain decision. I personally hope that I am completely wrong about your wife, and that she is not seeing anyone else and she will refocus on you.
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