Okay so I got a private message from my wifes best friend last night with whom I have been really close to as well since high school before I even met my wife. She made me swear I wouldnt tell my wife that we were talking, we were like best friends for years so it was good to hear from her. She was basically checking up to see if I was okay. I asked her straight up if my wife was seeing someone else or if someone else was in the picture when we separated. She said absolutely not and swore on everything that nothing was going on with another guy. She basically told me what my wife told me the last time we talked. She wants to be out there on her own sort of like proving to herself that she can survive without someone supporting her. She told me my wife seems like she still needs more time which I already knew that but also told me that she was doing better in school and recently got promoted from a TA to TA director. She told me my wife seems happy and that she is so focused on school and her part time work that she isnt even thinking about our marriage right now other than seeing a counselor once every other week which she's been doing for months anyway before we separated.
With that said everytime I do talk to my wife which I havent in a couple days because I'm trying the whole 180 approach she doesnt indicate ANYTHING as far as a time frame of when she wants to work on things or even if she wants to. I'm so lost and confused. Do I go for the legal separation next? I'm slowly starting to work on myself but it's so hard waking up everyday alone especially when I feel like she is thriving without me. I'm starting to realize that she has changed A LOT over the past year and is someone I dont even know anymore. I've done all the digging I can to find out if there is someone else and I havent come up with any evidence at all! But I cant stop thinking about the possibility. The whole "we're basically single" comment she made is just imbedded into my mind. I really feel like she has checked out and her telling me "we're basically single" is her making herself feel okay if someone better does come along while were separated. I dont know how to move forward from here. Everytime I take one step forward I feel like I take two steps back.
There are two options here.
Option one is that everything is as she says. No other dude and this is a giant mind-**** on her behalf to prove to herself that she can stand on her own. While you stand there like a gentleman with the door held open for her to return.
That basically means that she is a child and you are her safety net. Safety nets get used when people fall. If she doesn't fall, she's gone. And if she returns, it will be with a new game plan to not fall next time.
And you will still be there with your hat in hand standing on a giant welcome mat, right?
What you have to do is take away the safety net.
The other option, of course, is that she isn't telling this friend.
My ex didn't tell ANYONE including her best friend that she was f'ing this other guy. It came out after we were separated and she went on a double date with the new guy and the new guy slipped up and talked about things they had done together on such and such a date... which was when we were still together.
So don't expect the truth.
What you have to do in that situation is the same as the first.
Take away the safety net.
And, FWIW, there's a world of difference between "I'm not seeing anyone right now" and "I won't see anyone."
And her telling you that she doesn't want to know is her telling you what she plans on doing if she does see someone.
Do what you will. But what I think you should do is draw up a separation agreement and give it to her. And a date, not more than a week or two out, where you need an answer if she's ever coming back or not.