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post #46 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-04-2015, 11:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

I've had a tough morning today trying to stick with the 180 approach and reached out to my sister for some reassurance. She sent me this quote which I found perfectly fitting for my situation and hope this can help someone else on TAM going through their own struggles.

"IT ALL BEGINS AND ENDS IN YOUR MIND. WHAT YOU GIVE POWER TO. HAS POWER OVER YOU. IF YOU ALLOW IT"

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post #47 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-04-2015, 04:44 PM
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Feeling like crap today with separation

Suppose your wife is not cheating. Do you accept that she is thinking about her next relationship with someone new? Further when she does think of you, her perception is that you are a problem from which the separation should lead to divorce?

She doesn't send you emails with any ambiguity. She is not worried about your wellbeing.

Waiting for her to file for divorce is limbo that delays your healing.

Can you describe how you supported her when she decided to apply to med school?

Last edited by LongWalk; 06-04-2015 at 05:08 PM.
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post #48 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-04-2015, 06:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Quote:
Originally Posted by LongWalk View Post
Suppose your wife is not cheating. Do you accept that she is thinking about her next relationship with someone new? Further when she does think of you, her perception is that you are a problem from which the separation should lead to divorce?

She doesn't send you emails with any ambiguity. She is not worried about your wellbeing.

Waiting for her to file for divorce is limbo that delays your healing.

Can you describe how you supported her when she decided to apply to med school?
Hell, I cant lie even I've thought about a relationship with someone other than my wife throughout the last couple years that we've been struggling. Not sure where the email thing came from but yea its been days since either one of us has reached out to eachother. Every relationship and or breakup is different, right now I'm not prepared to take the next step straight to divorce not because I'm holding onto hope for dear life but because divorce is a really big deal to me and I need time to process that potential reality.

As far as support when she decided to apply for med school I was upset at first because it was just another delay before she started working a real job and bringing in decent money.We talked about how difficult it would be on both of us especially our marriage and I blew it off and just looked at it as something we'd get used too. But in the end I feel I was always fully supporting her decisions... most of the time. I dunno, I've started to realize that I may have a control problem with certain things which may have lead to where we are now. But then again I have a million thoughts running through my head lately.
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post #49 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-04-2015, 06:58 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Originally Posted by MrPack View Post
Hell, I cant lie even I've thought about a relationship with someone other than my wife throughout the last couple years that we've been struggling. Not sure where the email thing came from but yea its been days since either one of us has reached out to eachother. Every relationship and or breakup is different, right now I'm not prepared to take the next step straight to divorce not because I'm holding onto hope for dear life but because divorce is a really big deal to me and I need time to process that potential reality.
Pack,
My goal in suggesting alternatives to you is not to rush you to divorce, something that you would prefer to avoid, but to maximize a positive outcome for you. Filing for divorce quickly sends a signal to you wife that you are capable of acting resolutely. You are not co-dependent to the extent that you are paralyzed and merely waiting for the ax to fall. Instead of forcing her to summon her willpower to end it, she will find the tension gone suddenly and unexpectedly.

If you wait during a long separation, your place in her emotional hardwiring will be cold. It already is. But if you remove what is positive in your relationship now while your life together is not ancient history it is more likely that you will create an emotional impact. If you wait weeks longer your connection will have fizzled out. You are also more and more likely to compete with other men. You wife is now telling more and more people that she is separated. So, even if she has not yet slept with other men, among her classmates the word is already out that she is available.

Guys are likely coffee dating her or more. Study buddy, pizza, come up for a cup of tea, stay the night. It doesn't take long.

Remember if you file and mail her the papers, she will have to feel, "oh, wow, he is divorcing me!" Maybe she is not entirely ready for that idea. If you wait, it will be set in concrete. It may already be an ardent desire of hers.

There was a guy here, an artist and college lecturer... arg... his name escapes me at the moment, but he was in a separation like yours for ages. He agonized over his WAW but in the end it was divorce. She fed his cat from time to time but she did not love him. Ardendt... could that have been his name? I will check.

Quote:
As far as support when she decided to apply for med school I was upset at first because it was just another delay before she started working a real job and bringing in decent money.We talked about how difficult it would be on both of us especially our marriage and I blew it off and just looked at it as something we'd get used too. But in the end I feel I was always fully supporting her decisions... most of the time. I dunno, I've started to realize that I may have a control problem with certain things which may have lead to where we are now. But then again I have a million thoughts running through my head lately.
Of course her decision to go to medical school increased the likelihood of divorce for several reasons: the hours, the on call situations, the social status elevation.
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post #50 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-04-2015, 07:23 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Arendt

When going through hell - don't stop. - Winston Churchill
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post #51 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-04-2015, 07:29 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

You asked: My question I guess is how long is too long for a separation? The answer is: when you have had enough and are ready to move on with your life. You have said you won't wait too long for her to make a decision, while other have suggested you wait a year. I will tell you this, it doesn't matter either way. Medical school goes on for years not weeks and month, then progress to internships, which keeps on going. This is way of life and will not be changing as long as she pursues this way of life. The process is going to take awhile and you are going to be going through a roller coaster of emotions, but I get the feeling that you will in due time. Is she seeing someone else? I haven't the vaguest idea, you are on an infidelity site, so don't be surprised that you read about it in lots of posts or that others suggest it as a possibility. My guess would be that she is very self absorbed in her studies and study group. She really doesn't have time for a real relationship among all she is doing but wants the freedom to hookup, if Mr Right or at least Mr Right Now comes along for an evening of passion. If you press her she will most likely deny it on the premise of not wanting to hurt you, thus she wants the separation as a fall back stance "well we were on a break".

My advise is this......concentrate on you for now. Keep up the exercise regimen to help with the stress. Look to invest time in a hobby that you have ignored or start one you have always wanted to do. Look to take a class that would be beneficial to you for work or just something you are interest in learning. Reading the classics, volunteering time to help others all are worthwhile pursuits. Get so busy living life that you don't have time worrying about hers. I know this is not what you wanted or had dreamed of when you married, but I get the feeling it was inevitable and eventually you will have to come to grips with the situation. Best wishes to you and your family.
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post #52 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-04-2015, 09:31 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Originally Posted by helolover View Post
Arendt
Thanks. Yes, Arendt's thread is worth reading.
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post #53 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-08-2015, 07:14 AM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Mr pack,
The issue is not separation. I firmly believe in giving someone space if they need it. The core issue is this 'don't ask don't tell' policy she has adopted.

That mindset opens the door for her to engage - guilt free - in the open ended pursuit of an upgrade. That pursuit is diametrically opposed to the concept of marriage. And tolerating it means that you are agreeable to a marriage that is only going to last until one of you finds someone better.

Space - sure. Acting like she is single while separated - no way.

If it was me I'd tell her:
In your heart you seem to want to be single. I accept that. Let's make it official so you can do whatever you want to do with a clear conscience. And FWIW - if asked why we parted ways, I will limit myself to saying: irreconcilable differences. I hope you find someone you are compatible with.


Quote:
Originally Posted by MrPack View Post
Hell, I cant lie even I've thought about a relationship with someone other than my wife throughout the last couple years that we've been struggling. Not sure where the email thing came from but yea its been days since either one of us has reached out to eachother. Every relationship and or breakup is different, right now I'm not prepared to take the next step straight to divorce not because I'm holding onto hope for dear life but because divorce is a really big deal to me and I need time to process that potential reality.

As far as support when she decided to apply for med school I was upset at first because it was just another delay before she started working a real job and bringing in decent money.We talked about how difficult it would be on both of us especially our marriage and I blew it off and just looked at it as something we'd get used too. But in the end I feel I was always fully supporting her decisions... most of the time. I dunno, I've started to realize that I may have a control problem with certain things which may have lead to where we are now. But then again I have a million thoughts running through my head lately.
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post #54 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-08-2015, 10:12 AM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrPack View Post
Hell, I cant lie even I've thought about a relationship with someone other than my wife throughout the last couple years that we've been struggling. Not sure where the email thing came from but yea its been days since either one of us has reached out to eachother. Every relationship and or breakup is different, right now I'm not prepared to take the next step straight to divorce not because I'm holding onto hope for dear life but because divorce is a really big deal to me and I need time to process that potential reality.
Pack,
My goal in suggesting alternatives to you is not to rush you to divorce, something that you would prefer to avoid, but to maximize a positive outcome for you. Filing for divorce quickly sends a signal to you wife that you are capable of acting resolutely. You are not co-dependent to the extent that you are paralyzed and merely waiting for the ax to fall. Instead of forcing her to summon her willpower to end it, she will find the tension gone suddenly and unexpectedly.

If you wait during a long separation, your place in her emotional hardwiring will be cold. It already is. But if you remove what is positive in your relationship now while your life together is not ancient history it is more likely that you will create an emotional impact. If you wait weeks longer your connection will have fizzled out. You are also more and more likely to compete with other men. You wife is now telling more and more people that she is separated. So, even if she has not yet slept with other men, among her classmates the word is already out that she is available.

Guys are likely coffee dating her or more. Study buddy, pizza, come up for a cup of tea, stay the night. It doesn't take long.

Remember if you file and mail her the papers, she will have to feel, "oh, wow, he is divorcing me!" Maybe she is not entirely ready for that idea. If you wait, it will be set in concrete. It may already be an ardent desire of hers.

There was a guy here, an artist and college lecturer... arg... his name escapes me at the moment, but he was in a separation like yours for ages. He agonized over his WAW but in the end it was divorce. She fed his cat from time to time but she did not love him. Ardendt... could that have been his name? I will check.

Quote:
As far as support when she decided to apply for med school I was upset at first because it was just another delay before she started working a real job and bringing in decent money.We talked about how difficult it would be on both of us especially our marriage and I blew it off and just looked at it as something we'd get used too. But in the end I feel I was always fully supporting her decisions... most of the time. I dunno, I've started to realize that I may have a control problem with certain things which may have lead to where we are now. But then again I have a million thoughts running through my head lately.
Of course her decision to go to medical school increased the likelihood of divorce for several reasons: the hours, the on call situations, the social status elevation.
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post #55 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-08-2015, 11:55 AM
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Feeling like crap today with separation

I find it concerning that first her cousin, and then her best friend come to you in confidence to "check up" on you, even though you don't keep in regular contact with either.

Smells like guilty consciences... But that's just me.


"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #56 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-08-2015, 05:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Stayed at my parents house Saturday this weekend becaue I was with friends and didnt want to drive all the way back to my house after having a few drinks. I woke up early Sunday morning to see I had 2 missed calls and a text from my wife. Saturday night she was working a gala event for med students and doctors. By the time she finished tearing down the gala it was midnight, she drove all the way to her moms house about 40 minutes away only to find her mom had locked the door from the garage to the house because she thought my wife was staying with friends for the night. My wife then started callling her girlfriends but it was already after midnight so she couldnt get a hold of anyone. Long story short her only other option was to stay at our house. She was calling and texting me late that night asking if I was there and that she had nowhere else to go. Since I didnt see the calls or text she just went to the house, saw I wasnt home and slept there for the night. I called her Sunday morning after seeing the texts and missed calls (I should have just sent her a text saying "ok"). She said sorry that she had to stay at the house and that she doesnt expect that she can just come whenever she wants and that she understands that she needs to let me know when she comes to the house for any reason.

I was temped to say something along the lines of "oh you want this separation so you can be independant and on your own, well how'd that work out for ya Saturday night when you had no where to stay???" I refrained and didnt say anything along those lines. But this was the 3rd time she's been to the house in the past 2 weeks to pick up some clothes and other things, but she keeps forgetting her bridsmaids dress for a wedding she's in this coming weekend. It's frustrating because I'm trying to do things for me now and leave her alone and not worry about her but its like she's purposely "forgetting" things so she has a reason to come back to the house.

She leaves Friday morning to head out of state for her cousins wedding. My question is do I text her asking when she's going to pick up her dress or do I just leave it alone and let her worry about that. I just dont want her to call me at the last minute one of these nights this week saying she needs to come get some things. I'd rather she did it when I wasnt home, I'm not ready to have a conversation with her about stuff it'lll just be awkward.
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post #57 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-09-2015, 12:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Received a text a few minutes ago from my W. She leaves Friday for her cousins wedding out of state, she sent me a text telling me that she needed to stop by the house Thursday morning to pick up the dress and some other things. I simpy replied with sounds good. Then she asked if I had seen a particular pair of her shoes at the house and I said no. She says okay. And that was it...very generic and cut and dry. I was really temped to keep the text conversation going but I refrained. This is hard... I struggle off and on everyday mainly in the mornings with missing her and then with anger regarding our separation and how its going. My Counselor suggested that I dont completely cut off communication yet even though I told him the majority of the time I'm the one that has to reach out and I'm sick of it.

I've known my wife for over 11 years and she is very good and hiding her emotions and acting like she is perfectly fine even when her world is crumbling around her, I on the other hand am the complete oposite. I'm just sick of feeling like this, I want to be happy again. I have mixed emotions about whether or not theres even a glimmer of hope for us. People keep telling me to not give up yet but she is taking longer than I am to get to a point to even want to discuss the possibility of getting help on our marriage. I'm now convinced that there is NOT another guy and that she is just lost and has totally changed as a person over the past year. This is scaring her and has built up this enourmous amount of guilt in her head because the future that we agreed upon doesnt look like something she wants anymore. This makes me sick to my stomach and very very sad.

I know it's only been a month but what if things do go sour and we divorce, what will I do? Will I ever meet another woman who can make me happy and feel good about my life? I'm feeling hopeless...
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post #58 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-09-2015, 12:16 PM
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Feeling like crap today with separation

What are your feelings about the wedding now? Do you want to be there feeling uncomfortable because she dumping you?

Have you considered having the divorce papers ready for her so that she has bear the failure feeling under pressure?
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post #59 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-09-2015, 01:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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What are your feelings about the wedding now? Do you want to be there feeling uncomfortable because she dumping you?

Have you considered having the divorce papers ready for her so that she has bear the failure feeling under pressure?
The wedding she is going to this weekend isnt the same one we both will be at, that one is in two weeks. I AM NOT serving her divorce papers at my best friends wedding, I know your trying to help but that would be very disrepectful to my friends who are getting married. I dont see that as being the right time or place whatsoever.

With that said my mind hasnt totally gotten to that point of divorce yet, yea it crossing my mind alot recently but I'm not in that position yet. I need to be fully ready to do that. If I filed now I feel like my head wouldnt be in the right spot to make all the neccessary decisions that come with that.

I had another session with my counselor yesterday and he agrees that it is too early to really consider filing for divorce. I have too much going on in my mind to go there yet.
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post #60 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-09-2015, 02:23 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Ask your wife if she is ok? IF she says yes, ask her if she is sure. Sounds like she is missing you.
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