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post #61 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-09-2015, 02:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Originally Posted by Chaparral View Post
Ask your wife if she is ok? IF she says yes, ask her if she is sure. Sounds like she is missing you.
What gives you the impression that she may be missing me?

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post #62 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-09-2015, 04:38 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Why does your wife miss you? You were in a codependent relationship. You accept things that were perhaps unacceptable simply to preserve your marriage. It is great that she wants to be doctor, but you cannot have children for along time 4 years of med school, one year of internship and they two more years of specialization. My SIL is a board certified pediatrician. She never practiced. My brother is a surgeon. SIL wanted to be a SAHM. She is very engaged in my three nephews sports and study, but they are in school all day. She could work part time and rake in big money. She wants to have this relationship in which she is running the family.

My brother could never cheat on her because she is watching him constantly. Maintaining their marriage is a clear goal in her mind. There is no freedom because her family background in Caribbean Indian. My brother is half Chinese. Divorce is not very accepted these cultures. Codependence is.

You mentioned that you might be controlling but in reality your relationship has to prioritize her education. Don't forget doctors get treated strangely by the general public. They garner a certain amount of adulation. This can have inflated your wife's self image to the extent that she feels you are no longer her social equal. So yes the codependent individual misses you; the one who is changing social status is trying to dump you. She is in a confusing transition.

Then she asked if I had seen a particular pair of her shoes at the house and I said no. She says okay. And that was it...very generic and cut and dry. I was really temped to keep the text conversation going but I refrained. This is hard... I struggle off and on everyday mainly in the mornings with missing her and then with anger regarding our separation and how its going. My Counselor suggested that I dont completely cut off communication yet even though I told him the majority of the time I'm the one that has to reach out and I'm sick of it.

I've known my wife for over 11 years and she is very good and hiding her emotions and acting like she is perfectly fine even when her world is crumbling around her, I on the other hand am the complete oposite. I'm just sick of feeling like this, I want to be happy again. I have mixed emotions about whether or not theres even a glimmer of hope for us. People keep telling me to not give up yet but she is taking longer than I am to get to a point to even want to discuss the possibility of getting help on our marriage. I'm now convinced that there is NOT another guy and that she is just lost and has totally changed as a person over the past year. This is scaring her and has built up this enourmous amount of guilt in her head because the future that we agreed upon doesnt look like something she wants anymore. This makes me sick to my stomach and very very sad.

I know it's only been a month but what if things do go sour and we divorce, what will I do? Will I ever meet another woman who can make me happy and feel good about my life? I'm feeling hopeless...
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post #63 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-09-2015, 05:14 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Why does your wife miss you? You were in a codependent relationship. You accept things that were perhaps unacceptable simply to preserve your marriage. It is great that she wants to be doctor, but you cannot have children for along time 4 years of med school, one year of internship and they two more years of specialization. My SIL is a board certified pediatrician. She never practiced. My brother is a surgeon. SIL wanted to be a SAHM. She is very engaged in my three nephews sports and study, but they are in school all day. She could work part time and rake in big money. She wants to have this relationship in which she is running the family.

My brother could never cheat on her because she is watching him constantly. Maintaining their marriage is a clear goal in her mind. There is no freedom because her family background in Caribbean Indian. My brother is half Chinese. Divorce is not very accepted these cultures. Codependence is.

You mentioned that you might be controlling but in reality your relationship has to prioritize her education. Don't forget doctors get treated strangely by the general public. They garner a certain amount of adulation. This can have inflated your wife's self image to the extent that she feels you are no longer her social equal. So yes the codependent individual misses you; the one who is changing social status is trying to dump you. She is in a confusing transition.

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Then she asked if I had seen a particular pair of her shoes at the house...
This a very codependent expression. Why the f' should you be paying attention to her shoes? The lack of empathy is distinguishes the egoism of her mindset. Your observation is acute here.

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I was really temped to keep the text conversation going but I refrained. This is hard..
Well, done. You are learning.

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... the majority of the time I'm the one that has to reach out and I'm sick of it.
As GutPunch says, if it hurts don't do it.

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I've known my wife for over 11 years and she is very good and hiding her emotions and acting like she is perfectly fine even when her world is crumbling around her, I on the other hand am the complete oposite. I'm just sick of feeling like this, I want to be happy again. I have mixed emotions about whether or not theres even a glimmer of hope for us. People keep telling me to not give up yet but she is taking longer than I am to get to a point to even want to discuss the possibility of getting help on our marriage. I'm now convinced that there is NOT another guy and that she is just lost and has totally changed as a person over the past year.
If she is as you say lacking in inner confidence and integrity, she is very likely to want another relationship to replace the unhealthy one she has with you. That is why cheating is very likely, though you don't know with whom she is involved. It is possible that it is only an EA.

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This is scaring her and has built up this enourmous amount of guilt in her head because the future that we agreed upon doesnt look like something she wants anymore. This makes me sick to my stomach and very very sad.
What in the future doesn't jive? Children? Time together?

When I was freshman in college a couple of dorm mates got summer jobs scooping ice cream. I went a couple of times to visit them at work. They said that the manager's wife didn't love him. She used to come in when his work day ended. I saw her. She was very beautiful. The look of distain for her husband was so evident. Men with slicker tongues and thicker wallets must have undermined her respect for him, although who knows, might once have been a happy together guy.

The only way to make an impression on someone who is in control because they are the desired part is to change the dynamics. Filing for divorce could be action but it could also a gesture of desperation to get her attention. As to making people uncomfortable, well your wife is doing it to you. How does she expect you to feel going a wedding as your own marriage failing. The irony of it is a torment. That is why you should file for D before the wedding. You are going to feel wretched standing there with all those people and not knowing what constitutes an inappropriate proximity to your own wife.

Are you supposed to offer her a glass of champagne or is that needy? Are you supposed to make eye contact or avoid looking at her? You are a masochist is you go through with this.

Quote:
I know it's only been a month but what if things do go sour and we divorce, what will I do? Will I ever meet another woman who can make me happy and feel good about my life? I'm feeling hopeless...
You need to think about the funny and absurd, so that you laugh and smile in spite of your pain. One way to distance yourself from the pain is to imagine telling an audience about how it feels.

Are you still wearing your wedding ring. Will you wear it to the wedding? Is your wife wearing hers?
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post #64 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-09-2015, 05:28 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

I also think she was thinking you might be spending the night with someone when you didn't answer her calls. It seems to me she's making excuses to come by the house and get in touch over trivial things.

I would wait until the wedding and see how she handles being around you. If she ignores you I would lower the boom. If she genuinely enjoys being around you, not just for show, that would be interesting.

Does the folks at the wedding know you're separated?
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post #65 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-09-2015, 05:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Are you still wearing your wedding ring. Will you wear it to the wedding? Is your wife wearing hers?[/QUOTE]

Last time we saw eachother which was about 2 weeks ago she was still wearing hers and I was wearing mine. But your right in asking that question, if she shows up at the wedding not wearing hers than why would I wear mine? How do I know though? Do I straight up ask her "hey are you planning on wearing your ring at the wedding"??
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post #66 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-09-2015, 05:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Originally Posted by Chaparral View Post
I also think she was thinking you might be spending the night with someone when you didn't answer her calls. It seems to me she's making excuses to come by the house and get in touch over trivial things.

I would wait until the wedding and see how she handles being around you. If she ignores you I would lower the boom. If she genuinely enjoys being around you, not just for show, that would be interesting.

Does the folks at the wedding know you're separated?
Yes some of the people at the wedding know what is going on. Mainly just my buddies and some of her girlfriends that are also a part of the wedding.
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post #67 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-09-2015, 05:42 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Wear your wedding ring. If she doesn't have hers on slip yours in your pocket. It will be interesting to see how she behaves once the champagne/drinks start flowing and everyone is dancing at the reception. She should be quite horney by now. If she doesn't maul you then, I would divorce her for that.

Last edited by Chaparral; 06-10-2015 at 06:31 AM.
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post #68 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-09-2015, 05:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Originally Posted by intheory View Post
After you guys divorce, who is going to pay for her to go to medical school?

Is she currently working to pay her cost of living expenses. I don't see how you can work enough hours to pay half of all the bills, and attend medical school classes, and do the ENORMOUS amount of studying that she must do in order to succeed.

So, are you footing all the bills for this? If not, good.

If yes, why? And are you going to continue? Will she refund you for what you have contributed to her education so far, if she divorces you?
IF we get divorced thats her problem to figure out how to survive and pay for expenses while she finishes school. Wont be my issue.

She has student loans I do not pay for any of her school bills and my name is not on the student loan. Yes she is working while going to med school, more hours now because she moved out of the house and is not relying on me to provide right now.
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post #69 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-10-2015, 06:35 AM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

I may be mistaken but financially it doesn't seem like you were actually helping very much with her medical school costs. Was she going to school, studying, and working before the separation? That sounds like an awfully big load to carry.

Do you make enough to support the two of you without her working?
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post #70 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-10-2015, 07:00 AM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

According to this article the divorce rate for med students is high, ranging between 20 percent and 50 percent, depending on specialty.

Quote:
For physicians-in-training, this schism between home and work is especially sharp. The hospital literally becomes home for many medical students when they are on the wards, and it remains their permanent residence throughout much of residency. This lifestyle creates problems when these physicians eventually return to a more normal lifestyle with more subsequent hours at home with their spouses. Many physicians may feel more comfortable at work in the hospital culture, and the familial home may seem like a burden or a game with shifting rules and expectations that may seem to change daily. Spouses might feel abandoned by the years of long hours and the seeming lack of desire of their physician spouses to return home. This is especially a problem for spouses who are not a part of the medical field themselves and who do not understand why the hospital is so important in their significant others' lives. Many couples, however, who are both in the profession, may also suffer because they each establish the hospital as “home” instead of forming their own distinct marriage culture separate from the hospital.
So even if you reconcile now, the trouble may not be over.

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post #71 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-10-2015, 11:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Originally Posted by Chaparral View Post
I may be mistaken but financially it doesn't seem like you were actually helping very much with her medical school costs. Was she going to school, studying, and working before the separation? That sounds like an awfully big load to carry.

Do you make enough to support the two of you without her working?
Before the separation I we were basically living off my income alone. I was paying all the bills aside from the little bit she was making working part time at the school. Since the separation she has added more hours. Yes I make enough to support us both. I feel like she's in this mindset right now to prove to herself that she can do this on her own...along with other things I already touched on. I've sacraficed A LOT to support her and wait for her to finally find what she wanted to do and pursue med school. And to my knowledge I never really voiced any resentment, I do have some but I feel like I was always pretty good and supporting her the best way I knew how.

I remember when we first started getting serious years ago she made some comment that her mom always tought her to take care of herself because you never know whats going to happen. I think that always stuck in her mind hence her wanting to become a doctor and now wanting to prove that she can survive on her own if she decided to go that route.
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post #72 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-10-2015, 11:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Mr Pack, I'm sorry you're in this situation..
you wife though seems a decent person..she's not lying to you, she's not taking advantage of you..she's made a tough decision..I think she might be overwhelmed..the med school, her job, studying....maybe she felt like she didn't have the energy to work on the marriage right now...give her her space..give her time...it doesn't look like she's doing this to find someone else...I think she's been very honest...both with you and herself..
I think first of all you should try and undesrtand what your feelings are...are you sure YOU want to be married to her? What if she decides she doesn't want children..would it be a deal breaker? She probably feels guilty about that too...
Don't be clingy or needy but ler her know what you feel..don't just show hurt and resentment...let her go..is she still loves you she'll come back to you...if not..better to know that now.
Also, if you divorce..do you think you could still be her friend? I would.
Good luck
I think your correct in saying that she doesnt have the energy to work on a marriage right now. I feel like this separation was about proving to herself that she could survive on her own and also her being scared about having the huge load stress from med school then a marriage and also the thought of the future with or without kids. The problem is time, she doesnt have much of it to work on a broken marriage right now, I on the other hand want to work on things but she isnt ready yet. We both did a horrible job of tip toeing around our issues for so long even before med school and now we are here.
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post #73 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-10-2015, 02:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

I'll try to keep this short. I posted a while back about my best friends wedding comming up actually a week from this Saturday. Both my wife and I are in the wedding party. Initially after we decided to separate we talked about just going to the wedding like normal and try to have fun like we would with friends but obviously not exactly the same as we would if we were happily married. Fast forward a couple weeks, we had a little spat, it wasnt really a fight but more of us disagreeing on things and me being too pushy about our separation (I have since backed way off and have been giving her space). After this little spat we agreed that we would not stay in a hotel room together during the wedding night and that I would stay in a room with buddies and that she would stay in a room with some of the girls from the wedding party. Initially the plan was that couples would pair up and stay in rooms together.

We talked a bit yesterday about "business" type stuff and then small talk about whats going on with my work and her school. Then started talking about the wedding coming up and agreed that we will NOT ignore eachother or avoid eachother and that we would try to make the best out of the night considering our situation. She made a comment that if it were up to her we could "hang out like normal at the wedding". I asked her what she meant by this and she waited about an hour to reply back to the text saying "I dunno...like close friends".

So I'm dealing with a wife who seems to be making excuses to come to the house randomly to pick up stuff, she's going back and forth on expectations at the wedding. First wants to act like nothing is wrong at the wedding, then act like we cant be around eachother much, then being civil, to now wanting to act like "close friends". I just dont know what to make of this.

I need advice on something, I have a desire to maybe ask her if she wants to go back to staying in a room together for the wedding night. Would that be bad?? I really dont know what her answer would be but part of me wants to throw the idea out there. What do you all think? I'm sure if she says no its not a good idea right now I'll probably feel like crap for a while but what if she wants too and I never asked? What do I do???
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post #74 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-10-2015, 03:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Originally Posted by Bugged View Post
Don't do it.
Don't put pressure on her...it's the pressure that she couldn't take anymore I think..it's just too much..all those things together...
Dont' do anything that might be interpreted by her like 'have you decided yet?'...
Be her friend..be sure you remain on her radar (if you want her to come back to you)...keep in touch, show her that you care but don't be clingy...if you miss her tell her..but not like 'I miss you, have you decided about our marriage?'. Just I miss you..things like these..no strings attached...
I don't think ignoring her is a good choice..she has many things on her mind...maybe ask her once or twice a week if she wants to hang out with you..like a friend..just be her friend.
How do I stay on her radar without looking clingy or like I'm pushing? Realistically how often should I contact her? We do have plans to meet up and discuss our situation in a few weeks once her finals are over. Figured that would be best so she doesn't have finals on her mind.
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post #75 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-10-2015, 03:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Not too often...how often are you contacting her now?
I would just send her a text once or twice a week..especially if you're doing something you think she might enjoy too...
I dunno something like..
' I think I'll go to the Jap restaurant for dinner, I thought maybe you would you like to join me? if you don't there's no problem really.'

you know..casual things like these..just for fun..not to talk about your marriage or you problems but just because you enjoy each other's company... and please, please..if you meet her try not to look anxious of freaked out by the situation..show her you can cope with what she's put you through..relieve the pressure...and don't try to kiss her or hug her or anything or stuff like that...unless she makes it crystal clear she wants you to...

Not easy. I know.
Thank you for the advice.
Right now it is about 1-2 text conversations a week. She leaves Friday this week to head out of state for her cousins wedding so I thought I'd text her Friday and say something like... "Hey, just wanted to say have a good time at the wedding and with your family and have a safe trip"

I would definately like to start hanging out again but I'm not sure she is ready yet. But I guess I wont know for sure unless I ask right?
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