Why does your wife miss you? You were in a codependent relationship. You accept things that were perhaps unacceptable simply to preserve your marriage. It is great that she wants to be doctor, but you cannot have children for along time 4 years of med school, one year of internship and they two more years of specialization. My SIL is a board certified pediatrician. She never practiced. My brother is a surgeon. SIL wanted to be a SAHM. She is very engaged in my three nephews sports and study, but they are in school all day. She could work part time and rake in big money. She wants to have this relationship in which she is running the family.
My brother could never cheat on her because she is watching him constantly. Maintaining their marriage is a clear goal in her mind. There is no freedom because her family background in Caribbean Indian. My brother is half Chinese. Divorce is not very accepted these cultures. Codependence is.
You mentioned that you might be controlling but in reality your relationship has to prioritize her education. Don't forget doctors get treated strangely by the general public. They garner a certain amount of adulation. This can have inflated your wife's self image to the extent that she feels you are no longer her social equal. So yes the codependent individual misses you; the one who is changing social status is trying to dump you. She is in a confusing transition.
Then she asked if I had seen a particular pair of her shoes at the house...
This a very codependent expression. Why the f' should you be paying attention to her shoes? The lack of empathy is distinguishes the egoism of her mindset. Your observation is acute here.
I was really temped to keep the text conversation going but I refrained. This is hard..
Well, done. You are learning.
... the majority of the time I'm the one that has to reach out and I'm sick of it.
As GutPunch says, if it hurts don't do it.
I've known my wife for over 11 years and she is very good and hiding her emotions and acting like she is perfectly fine even when her world is crumbling around her, I on the other hand am the complete oposite. I'm just sick of feeling like this, I want to be happy again. I have mixed emotions about whether or not theres even a glimmer of hope for us. People keep telling me to not give up yet but she is taking longer than I am to get to a point to even want to discuss the possibility of getting help on our marriage. I'm now convinced that there is NOT another guy and that she is just lost and has totally changed as a person over the past year.
If she is as you say lacking in inner confidence and integrity, she is very likely to want another relationship to replace the unhealthy one she has with you. That is why cheating is very likely, though you don't know with whom she is involved. It is possible that it is only an EA.
This is scaring her and has built up this enourmous amount of guilt in her head because the future that we agreed upon doesnt look like something she wants anymore. This makes me sick to my stomach and very very sad.
What in the future doesn't jive? Children? Time together?
When I was freshman in college a couple of dorm mates got summer jobs scooping ice cream. I went a couple of times to visit them at work. They said that the manager's wife didn't love him. She used to come in when his work day ended. I saw her. She was very beautiful. The look of distain for her husband was so evident. Men with slicker tongues and thicker wallets must have undermined her respect for him, although who knows, might once have been a happy together guy.
The only way to make an impression on someone who is in control because they are the desired part is to change the dynamics. Filing for divorce could be action but it could also a gesture of desperation to get her attention. As to making people uncomfortable, well your wife is doing it to you. How does she expect you to feel going a wedding as your own marriage failing. The irony of it is a torment. That is why you should file for D before the wedding. You are going to feel wretched standing there with all those people and not knowing what constitutes an inappropriate proximity to your own wife.
Are you supposed to offer her a glass of champagne or is that needy? Are you supposed to make eye contact or avoid looking at her? You are a masochist is you go through with this.
I know it's only been a month but what if things do go sour and we divorce, what will I do? Will I ever meet another woman who can make me happy and feel good about my life? I'm feeling hopeless...
You need to think about the funny and absurd, so that you laugh and smile in spite of your pain. One way to distance yourself from the pain is to imagine telling an audience about how it feels.
Are you still wearing your wedding ring. Will you wear it to the wedding? Is your wife wearing hers?