Feeling like crap today with separation - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-10-2015, 04:09 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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I'll try to keep this short. I posted a while back about my best friends wedding comming up actually a week from this Saturday. Both my wife and I are in the wedding party. Initially after we decided to separate we talked about just going to the wedding like normal and try to have fun like we would with friends but obviously not exactly the same as we would if we were happily married. Fast forward a couple weeks, we had a little spat, it wasnt really a fight but more of us disagreeing on things and me being too pushy about our separation (I have since backed way off and have been giving her space). After this little spat we agreed that we would not stay in a hotel room together during the wedding night and that I would stay in a room with buddies and that she would stay in a room with some of the girls from the wedding party. Initially the plan was that couples would pair up and stay in rooms together.

We talked a bit yesterday about "business" type stuff and then small talk about whats going on with my work and her school. Then started talking about the wedding coming up and agreed that we will NOT ignore eachother or avoid eachother and that we would try to make the best out of the night considering our situation. She made a comment that if it were up to her we could "hang out like normal at the wedding". I asked her what she meant by this and she waited about an hour to reply back to the text saying "I dunno...like close friends".

So I'm dealing with a wife who seems to be making excuses to come to the house randomly to pick up stuff, she's going back and forth on expectations at the wedding. First wants to act like nothing is wrong at the wedding, then act like we cant be around eachother much, then being civil, to now wanting to act like "close friends". I just dont know what to make of this.

I need advice on something, I have a desire to maybe ask her if she wants to go back to staying in a room together for the wedding night. Would that be bad?? I really dont know what her answer would be but part of me wants to throw the idea out there. What do you all think? I'm sure if she says no its not a good idea right now I'll probably feel like crap for a while but what if she wants too and I never asked? What do I do???
You don't play her game her way, that's what you do.

You're not close friends. You're her husband who got his ass dumped by her.

Playing her game lets her not be accountible or face up to that in front of your friends.

That's what she's looking for.

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post #77 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-10-2015, 05:23 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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I'll try to keep this short. I posted a while back about my best friends wedding comming up actually a week from this Saturday. Both my wife and I are in the wedding party. Initially after we decided to separate we talked about just going to the wedding like normal and try to have fun like we would with friends but obviously not exactly the same as we would if we were happily married. Fast forward a couple weeks, we had a little spat, it wasnt really a fight but more of us disagreeing on things and me being too pushy about our separation (I have since backed way off and have been giving her space). After this little spat we agreed that we would not stay in a hotel room together during the wedding night and that I would stay in a room with buddies and that she would stay in a room with some of the girls from the wedding party. Initially the plan was that couples would pair up and stay in rooms together.

We talked a bit yesterday about "business" type stuff and then small talk about whats going on with my work and her school. Then started talking about the wedding coming up and agreed that we will NOT ignore eachother or avoid eachother and that we would try to make the best out of the night considering our situation. She made a comment that if it were up to her we could "hang out like normal at the wedding". I asked her what she meant by this and she waited about an hour to reply back to the text saying "I dunno...like close friends".

So I'm dealing with a wife who seems to be making excuses to come to the house randomly to pick up stuff, she's going back and forth on expectations at the wedding. First wants to act like nothing is wrong at the wedding, then act like we cant be around eachother much, then being civil, to now wanting to act like "close friends". I just dont know what to make of this.

I need advice on something, I have a desire to maybe ask her if she wants to go back to staying in a room together for the wedding night. Would that be bad?? I really dont know what her answer would be but part of me wants to throw the idea out there. What do you all think? I'm sure if she says no its not a good idea right now I'll probably feel like crap for a while but what if she wants too and I never asked? What do I do???
Many times people will piece by piece move out. Her wanting random items out of the house etc is typical in many ways. Cutting the cord and moving everything at once "dramatic", it severs the ties with that home and life. She isn't completely ready to let go of that life it seems.

On your side it can end up being kind of tease/torment watching your life slowing disappear. My stbx did this and you think since stuff is still in the home she isn't completely done yet you watch pieces of it disappear slowing. It'll start driving you nuts.

Don't ask her to share a room at the wedding, it will just create pressure for both of you. This whole wedding is going to be awkward and your already thinking about it too much. The two of you aren't going to be side by side the entire night and you wouldn't be if things were "normal". You would be off talking to friends/family, she would be doing the same. Don't drink too much and don't do anything stupid. Keep it simple and don't overthink everything.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #78 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-10-2015, 05:34 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Are there plenty of rooms where you will be staying? I'm think if she gets to feeling good you might offer to get the two of you a room. If she feel like she is just putting on a show for everyone, well, I wouldn't play that game.

The most important thing is that you don't come of as needy and clingy. Personally if she was stand off and cool towards me, I would dance with every single woman at the reception and outwardly have a great time.

Disrespect deserves consequences. After all, its claimed, separation ends up in divorce 80% of the time.
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post #79 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-11-2015, 10:19 AM Thread Starter
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I'm sick of waking every single morning feeling like crap. I wake up missing my W so much even though she's the one who left. I miss the good times we had and it kills me. Why are mornings so hard??
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post #80 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-11-2015, 06:37 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Mr Pack,

Sorry about your pain.
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post #81 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-13-2015, 08:43 AM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

It's hard because you are mourning a loss. And you are full of uncertainty and unease because you don't know what the outcome will be. That's always the most difficult part. Time seems to move very slowly and pointlessly. At least, that was the case for me.

The best thing you can do is focus on you and redirect your thoughts when they dwell on her. Staying busy helps.
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post #82 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-13-2015, 09:05 AM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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I think your correct in saying that she doesnt have the energy to work on a marriage right now. I feel like this separation was about proving to herself that she could survive on her own and also her being scared about having the huge load stress from med school then a marriage and also the thought of the future with or without kids. The problem is time, she doesnt have much of it to work on a broken marriage right now, I on the other hand want to work on things but she isnt ready yet. We both did a horrible job of tip toeing around our issues for so long even before med school and now we are here.

As I read some of these posts I noticed where you said you weren't especially supportive of her going to med school. Do you think this could be at the root of her trying to survive on her own? Is it possible she resents that? I get why you might not be thrilled about it but I'm trying to speculate on what might be going on in her head.

A troubled marriage, an unsupportive hb, med school and a job is a lot to handle. I can't imagine how she's got the energy to think about someone else, if that's a concern of yours.
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post #83 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-13-2015, 09:36 AM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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I talked to my wife today about some problems I had with how our separation is going. We are coming on to week 4 and have yet to discuss a timeline or plan as to when/how we can try and fix things. She still doesn't know when she'll be ready to work on things or go the other route. I told her how mad I've been lately feeling like we are just in a state of limbo with all of this and she says she understands and is sorry but she isn't ready to make any decisions yet.

It's hard because she is considerably more busy than I am since she is in med school right now and I just work a normal 9-5 job. I understand that its going to take her longer to figure out what she wants to do but it's not easy. I also understand that we are in a real separation but I'm really struggling to keep a positive routine going without her in my life. One day I have thoughts of "screw this I'm tired of waiting around for her" then I have I thoughts of "I will do anything to reconcile no matter how long it takes".

My question I guess is how long is too long for a separation??
Six weeks is not a long time. After all you made a huge commitment and decided to marry this person, so what is a few months for you both to sort this out? Even if you went ahead and divorced, you'd want to wait six months before dating again in my thinking.

It depends on the circumstances too. Is this the result of differences that could be resolved? Or is there some infidelity or other major loss of trust that makes it unlikely you will ever reconcile or regain mutual trust? If it is the latter, perhaps you've already made the decision and are just treading water waiting for the gavel. If it is the former, then it seems like giving this plenty of time is good considering what you invested in the marriage.
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post #84 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-13-2015, 06:55 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by MrPack View Post
I talked to my wife today about some problems I had with how our separation is going. We are coming on to week 4 and have yet to discuss a timeline or plan as to when/how we can try and fix things. She still doesn't know when she'll be ready to work on things or go the other route. I told her how mad I've been lately feeling like we are just in a state of limbo with all of this and she says she understands and is sorry but she isn't ready to make any decisions yet.

It's hard because she is considerably more busy than I am since she is in med school right now and I just work a normal 9-5 job. I understand that its going to take her longer to figure out what she wants to do but it's not easy. I also understand that we are in a real separation but I'm really struggling to keep a positive routine going without her in my life. One day I have thoughts of "screw this I'm tired of waiting around for her" then I have I thoughts of "I will do anything to reconcile no matter how long it takes".

My question I guess is how long is too long for a separation??
Six weeks is not a long time. After all you made a huge commitment and decided to marry this person, so what is a few months for you both to sort this out? Even if you went ahead and divorced, you'd want to wait six months before dating again in my thinking.

It depends on the circumstances too. Is this the result of differences that could be resolved? Or is there some infidelity or other major loss of trust that makes it unlikely you will ever reconcile or regain mutual trust? If it is the latter, perhaps you've already made the decision and are just treading water waiting for the gavel. If it is the former, then it seems like giving this plenty of time is good considering what you invested in the marriage.
To be honest I don't really know what I want yet. There hasn't been any infidelity just she has changed as a person. All the things we used to enjoy she doesn't seem to enjoy anymore. She's sooooo focused on med school and the new friends she has there. I made a mistake by not taking her up on offers to really get to know these new friends. I also thought I was being the perfect husband by cooking and cleaning all the time but I never pulled the trigger on the subtle signs she threw my way to spend time together and get to know the new person she was turning into. There's issues between us about kids. She's been so back and forth with it for past few years. I want kids and she knows that. She told me she has major guilt because she doesn't know if she wants kids anymore. I dunno, I think you are right in that I can't rush anything yet but it's just hard and slow going... I'm struggling to keep a good routine going to better myself right now but I'm sure that too will come with time.

Thank you for your attention and words.
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post #85 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-13-2015, 08:24 PM
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Feeling like crap today with separation

Doing all the cooking and cleaning is sexy.

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post #86 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-15-2015, 11:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

My wife was out of state this past weekend for her cousins wedding. I saw a few pictures on FB that her cousins had posted from the wedding. One of them I tried to zoom in and it looked like my wife wasnt wearing her wedding ring. We talked initially when we decided to separate that we would wear our rings during this time but she has always been the type of person who say's that a marriage is more than a ring. It was more me pushing to have us continue to wear our rings during this separation.

I'm pretty upset that it looks like she wasnt wearing it. We are supposed to meet up this week for coffee to catch up, do I ask her about this? Do I go in wearing my ring or no?

Also, she called me Saturday late night because she was upset. She had backed a rental car into a pole in the parking lot of the wedding place. Made a small dent and she was freaking out. This is the second time in a few weeks that she has called me in the middle of the night with some weird situation/story and we talk then she gets all weird saying im sorry I shouldnt have called. She sends these mixed signals and I'm not sure what to do.
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post #87 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-15-2015, 11:52 AM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Act normal until the next wedding. If she doesnt act like your wife there come home and go dark oN her, a real hard 180. Then file.
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post #88 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-15-2015, 11:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Yea it was her idea to meet this week before the next weddign this coming weekend. She thinks it'll help to see eachother and maybe wont be as awkward come Saturday. I dunno... Its goign to be hard when we meet this week to not use the time to discuss our issues. I think the best thing would just be friendly and keep it short for now. Next week she has finals so I'm planning on having a major talk with her after her finals are over. That one really scares the crap out of me.
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post #89 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-15-2015, 12:18 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

If she is out of school for the summer, i would ask her to move back home.
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post #90 of 1421 (permalink) Old 06-15-2015, 12:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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If she is out of school for the summer, i would ask her to move back home.
She isnt out for the summer. They have 2 weeks off between quarters. But I dont want to pressure her about comming home. From the way things have been going I dont see that happening anytime soon.
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