Feeling like crap today with separation - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
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post #91 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-15-2015, 01:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

I'm also struggling because when we meet tomorrow to chat I have so many questions and issues I want to bring up but I know it wont be the right time for that type of talk. For my own sanity (whats left anyway) I want to keep things between her and I as cordial as possible leading up to the wedding this weekend. Then once the wedding is over the following week I will bring up my issues and questions in regard to our marriage/separation. It's just so hard to sit here and think about seeing her tomorrow and this weekend all the while I have all these thoughts, questions and issues running around my head. I know some of you have told me to not wait to bring up these issues but like I said I am already freaking out about the wedding night and I feel if I bring all this up tomorrow it'll cause an even bigger void between us for that night. The last thing I want for that night is to have anymore animosity or anger between us. I'm going to try my F@#$ing hardest to fake it that wedding weekend/night for the sake of my friends and even myself if that makes any sense.

I was thinking alot today because I'm struggling so bad about how I just want to be happy and content again. I feel like a loser staying with my parents on the weekends because it's to hard for me to sit in my big empty house alone. I feel like a loser that I'm struggling at work, I feel like a loser that my emotions are so up and down. I truly beleive that I am 100% depressed right now and I hate it. I'm literally falling apart inside.

I get the most ridiculous thoughts in my head about "what if" situations regarding my marriage and our separation. What if she did this or what if I did that blah blah blah. Half the time these thoughts make no sense, It's like all I do is worry about things I have no control over and I'm sick of it. How do I stay out of my own head? I'm over analyzing everything right now.

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post #92 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-15-2015, 01:45 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

"This is the second time in a few weeks that she has called me in the middle of the night with some weird situation/story and we talk then she gets all weird saying im sorry I shouldnt have called. She sends these mixed signals and I'm not sure what to do."

She is doing this to test/keep you still hooked and interested. Gauging your reactions. When you fail, because you aren't close by to rescue her, she will use this as an excuse to do her own thing.
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post #93 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-15-2015, 02:47 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Go to your MD and explaiin the situation. Tell him you need some temporary help. They see this alot.
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post #94 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-15-2015, 04:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Originally Posted by Chaparral View Post
Go to your MD and explaiin the situation. Tell him you need some temporary help. They see this alot.
I'm currently on antidepressants. Starting to wonder if I should go see my Dr and up the dosage considering whats going on in my life.
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post #95 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-15-2015, 04:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Just got done texting with my wife. We are meeting for lunch tomorrow to chat and I guess set guidlines for the wedding this weekend. I'm already on pins and needles. Knowing her she will act like she is perfectly fine and happy and treat this lunch as nothing more than lunch between friends. I dont know how I'm going to do it but I know I need to act the same way and not show her how bad I'm hurting.

For anyone who has been paying attention to my story, what sort of guidelines do you think I should set for the wedding this weekend? How exactly should I approach our talk tomorrow?
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post #96 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-16-2015, 11:25 AM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Almost all of her actions indicate she is moving on. Assume that it is and behave accordingly. Be amicable but protect yourself by disconnecting. Ironically, when they see you moving on they sometimes see the separation as a mistake. Shes not working on the marriage, shes trying to get out of the marriage without any pain.
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post #97 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-16-2015, 11:42 AM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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I was thinking alot today because I'm struggling so bad about how I just want to be happy and content again. I feel like a loser staying with my parents on the weekends because it's to hard for me to sit in my big empty house alone. I feel like a loser that I'm struggling at work, I feel like a loser that my emotions are so up and down. I truly beleive that I am 100% depressed right now and I hate it. I'm literally falling apart inside.
When you started dating did you ever think about what you would put up with and what you wouldn't? You need to start thinking about what you are willing to put up with in a marriage and partner.

You shouldn't be waiting on pins and needles, hoping on a turn around, falling into limbo and getting depressed. What do you want? What are your values? I'm sorry you are in this situation but you need to make a decision for yourself.

There might not be any infidelity but she's still not acting married to you. Meaning she's pretty much single and free to meet anyone.

We've seen so many examples here of what works and what doesn't. Waiting around and getting down on yourself doesn't.
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post #98 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-16-2015, 11:44 AM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Originally Posted by MrPack View Post
Just got done texting with my wife. We are meeting for lunch tomorrow to chat and I guess set guidlines for the wedding this weekend. I'm already on pins and needles. Knowing her she will act like she is perfectly fine and happy and treat this lunch as nothing more than lunch between friends. I dont know how I'm going to do it but I know I need to act the same way and not show her how bad I'm hurting.

For anyone who has been paying attention to my story, what sort of guidelines do you think I should set for the wedding this weekend? How exactly should I approach our talk tomorrow?
I would approach it with one perspective and one perspective only:

"Wife, you have a tough decision to make. It's time to decide if we're going to stay together or not. If we are, we are going to have to be clear about what needs to change for that to happen. If we aren't, it's time to move forward with us going two different paths."

Anything that isn't an answer to that is her wanting to have a safety net for as long as possible, because she's on the second path.

From a guy that's been there.
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post #99 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-16-2015, 04:22 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

It will be interesting to see if she puts her ring back on for lunch. The ring is conceptual chastity belt, which in the age of no fault divorce, has muted efficacy. She will probably wear the ring, even if she is moving on for the simple reason that she wants to keep your passion at a distance.

Your wife's call when she damaged the car is very telling. She is not a self confident, together person. The accident reeks of absentmindedness. She is concentrating hard on school and her social relations with her classmates. She is looking for a so-called knight in shining armor. If she is already flirting with someone, she still has not gotten to the point that she could call him about her accident. It would have been too embarrassing. She was not embarrassed to reveal her fvck to you because she does not respect you. She is dumping unhappiness on you. You are being further degraded as her mate. She is sabotaging her feelings for you.

Perhaps you have already eaten the lunch, but if not the important thing is to have control of your emotions. Let her talk. Listen. If she wants to talk about your relationship, listen. When she is all talked out. Simply and calmly tell her: "Come home." Just those two words, nothing more. If she starts making excuses, just reply, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Do not engage in a relationship discussion.

As to the feelings of depression, many of us cope with darkness. Drugs would not be my choice, but drug companies don't want you to do it naturally. Go to the gym and work out hard. Pain on the elliptical machines will supply you with endorphins. Punch a bag. Lift free weights. Chase a squash ball. Find some way to repair your spirits. If you go to your parents' house cut the lawn, fix stuff.

Note that you worry about her studies. You want her to pass her exams. But if you mess up at work because she is leaving you, does she care? Wouldn't it be kinder to you to end your marriage decisively instead of letting you dangle?
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post #100 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-16-2015, 04:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Well I screwed up. We met for lunch today but ended up just talking in her car for 45 minutes. I brought up the fact that she stopped wearing her wedding ring and her reasoning for that is because right now we "arent together". Yea I'm not wearing mine but thats only because I knew she hadnt been wearing hers. I started out by saying that we have to be completely honest right now during this conversation no matter how hard it is. I said that I still dont agree with the way our separation is going in that we arent wearing our rings and its basically been said that both of us can date outside of eachother if we want. I asked her flat out again are you having an EA or PA or both with another guy. And she looked me dead in the eye and said no. She swore she was not and has not been seeing anyone and has never cheated on me. Part of me genuinly believes her but theres part of me that also understands that she could be flat out lying.

I said okay well if we arent wearing rings and were talking about it being "ok" to date then what are we doing?? At some point a decision has to be made but of course neither her or myself could make that decision right now. I know there are people who go this route during a separation and end up back together but I honestly dont see that happening with us. Without getting into too much detail we also talked about how our biggest issue with our marriage is that I want kids and she doesnt. She told me that for a while now she see's herself leaving abroad after med school is over with and practicing out of the country to help less fortunate people. She's had these thougts for a while now and that was one of the main issues between us that finally led to her wanting to leave our marriage. She couldnt see our future working while she had that "passion" of working abroad in mind. She said she doesnt want to keep living a lie like everything is okay with our marriage when deep in her heart she knows that she wants to leave the country after school and she knows that is not somethign I would be willing to consider.

This one really hurt. She told me that since we've been separated she's felt a weight lifted off her shoulders. She says she feels like she is finally living the way she feels she is supposed to live. She then talks about how sad she is because she doesnt want to lose me as a best friend. WTF!!! She actually thinks that we should be able to be best friends during and after all this?? Maybe some day but right now I dont see that happening.

Now this is another thing that is really eating at me, I dunno maybe I'm over thinking this one. I've had plans with my parents, my sister, my mother in law and my wife before we separated to take a vacation to Mexico the week after 4th of July. We did the same trip last year. Well obviously because of what my W and I are going through she isnt going anymore and neither is the Mother in Law. While were talking today my W says' theres something else she wants to tell me...she says that her, her mom, her moms boyfriend and my wifes girlfriend from school are going to Mexico the same freaking days we are. Same beach town and all!! The only thing is they are staying way on one end of the town than we are way on the other. Part of me wishes she hadnt even told me they were going to be there. I'm pissed. I know its the only time she has off due to school but c'mon why the F#$% do they have to go to the same freakin place as us...

We then talked about the wedding this weekend and both agreed that it's going to be weird and akward but we are both just going to be friendly to eachother and hangout in a big group with all of our friends like we used to. Sounds easier said than done I'm worried and anxious but I worry about everything. In my mind the past couple weeks I've been telling myself to just get through the wedding this weekend then start taking neccessary steps forward to better myself and move on. Well now I have this trip to Mexico to worry about. I feel like everything just keeps crumbling down on me and I cant barely keep my head above water.

Thanks again to all who have given me advice and input on this forum. I think I'm almost there and ready to start taking real steps for myself. But I want you all to know that I do take your words and advice seriously and I genuinly appreciate it. I'm starting to depend on TAM to help me cope with this stuff.

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post #101 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-16-2015, 04:56 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

OK dude.

Are you willing to give up having kids and go off to help the less fortunate with her? And if you say yes -- are you making this decision out of love, or out of fear?

If you're making it out of love, and you offered it, would she be happy, or would she feel pressured to say yes?

My honest gut call...

Stick a fork in it, you're done. Call a lawyer, get papers signed, and move on.

And don't be her friend. That's to relieve her guilt, not for any benefit of yours.
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post #102 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-16-2015, 05:09 PM
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post #103 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-16-2015, 05:10 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

She wants out but she's still taking your money. That's immoral.
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post #104 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-16-2015, 05:16 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Without getting into too much detail we also talked about how our biggest issue with our marriage is that I want kids and she doesnt. She told me that for a while now she see's herself leaving abroad after med school is over with and practicing out of the country to help less fortunate people.
It's called running away. I mean, this is a great and lofty goal, but you'd think you would have heard about it before now if it was really a life dream of hers, right?
Quote:
She's had these thougts for a while now and that was one of the main issues between us that finally led to her wanting to leave our marriage. She couldnt see our future working while she had that "passion" of working abroad in mind.
Is this news to you?
Quote:
She said she doesnt want to keep living a lie like everything is okay with our marriage when deep in her heart she knows that she wants to leave the country after school and she knows that is not somethign I would be willing to consider.
Then she should be willing to sign an agreement letting you out as gracefully as possible and be very, very happy for you to be inserting your boy bits into someone else's girl bits.

Right?
Quote:
This one really hurt. She told me that since we've been separated she's felt a weight lifted off her shoulders. She says she feels like she is finally living the way she feels she is supposed to live.
A life free of accountability and responsibility always feels free.
Do you remember what summer vacation felt like in high school?

That's the way she feels right now.
Quote:
She then talks about how sad she is because she doesnt want to lose me as a best friend. WTF!!! She actually thinks that we should be able to be best friends during and after all this?? Maybe some day but right now I dont see that happening.
My ex and I said the same things, man. For me, it was out of fear. For her, it was $.

Funny how we stopped being friends when I stopped paying money into our joint account, gave her everything to get her out of my life, and started sleeping with someone else.
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post #105 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-16-2015, 05:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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OK dude.

Are you willing to give up having kids and go off to help the less fortunate with her? And if you say yes -- are you making this decision out of love, or out of fear?

If you're making it out of love, and you offered it, would she be happy, or would she feel pressured to say yes?

My honest gut call...

Stick a fork in it, you're done. Call a lawyer, get papers signed, and move on.

And don't be her friend. That's to relieve her guilt, not for any benefit of yours.
Its funny that you ask, 4 weeks ago I would have answered your question with yes I'm willing to give up having kids and travel with her to help the less fortunate. But now that I've done at least a little thinking about what I want my answer is no. I do not want to give up my passion to become a father some day and start a family of my own. I think the fork is getting closer and closer to my hand. I now feel like I have some decisions to make to better myself and my future. I'm getting there but I cant see myself making that big decision within a week or 2.

Keep in mind when we first got married she was all into the idea of having a normal job and starting a family. As the years went on SHE started to change not me. So I do not have any guilt about the fact that I'm not willing to follow her to the "jungle" to save people.
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