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post #106 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-16-2015, 05:28 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Well I screwed up. We met for lunch today but ended up just talking in her car for 45 minutes. I brought up the fact that she stopped wearing her wedding ring and her reasoning for that is because right now we "aren't together". Yea I'm not wearing mine but thats only because I knew she hadnt been wearing hers. I started out by saying that we have to be completely honest right now during this conversation no matter how hard it is. I said that I still dont agree with the way our separation is going in that we arent wearing our rings and its basically been said that both of us can date outside of each other if we want. I asked her flat out again are you having an EA or PA or both with another guy. And she looked me dead in the eye and said no. She swore she was not and has not been seeing anyone and has never cheated on me. Part of me genuinely believes her but theres part of me that also understands that she could be flat out lying.
She is not happy or comfortable with herself. If she has had sex with another man, it has not led to a relationship. So, she is not anxious to end your marriage in all ways. Her dating failures can be blamed on you voodoo c*ck blocking the men who would make her happy.

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I said okay well if we arent wearing rings and were talking about it being "ok" to date then what are we doing?? At some point a decision has to be made but of course neither her or myself could make that decision right now. I know there are people who go this route during a separation and end up back together but I honestly dont see that happening with us. Without getting into too much detail we also talked about how our biggest issue with our marriage is that I want kids and she doesnt.
You are saying that she is good enough to mix genes with. She is saying your DNA is not what she wants. If you won the lottery or got a massive promotion at work or got 1.3 million views on YouTube by playing the guitar and singing, she would likely open her heart and legs again. She wants and upgrade.

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She told me that for a while now she see's herself leaving abroad after med school is over with and practicing out of the country to help less fortunate people. She's had these thougts for a while now and that was one of the main issues between us that finally led to her wanting to leave our marriage.
She wants Dr. Zhivago. And this is where you should have said, "sorry you feel this way."

Quote:
She couldnt see our future working while she had that "passion" of working abroad in mind. She said she doesnt want to keep living a lie like everything is okay with our marriage when deep in her heart she knows that she wants to leave the country after school and she knows that is not somethign I would be willing to consider.
Total BS. If you had said: "Babe, I love you and will quit my job right now and join Médecins Sans Frontières to serve the poor in some land beset by deadly diseases and parasites," would she be excited about you?

By the time she graduates, she'll probably say she has to pay off her debts by working for some HMO.

Quote:
This one really hurt. She told me that since we've been separated she's felt a weight lifted off her shoulders. She says she feels like she is finally living the way she feels she is supposed to live. She then talks about how sad she is because she doesnt want to lose me as a best friend. WTF!!! She actually thinks that we should be able to be best friends during and after all this?? Maybe some day but right now I dont see that happening.
She doesn't want you in the same bed with her. She doesn't want to eat breakfast with you. Why because in her mind she married but wants to be free to have sex with other men. You were wrecking that. If she just wanted to be by herself, she's wear her wedding ring to discourage potential partners.

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Now this is another thing that is really eating at me, I dunno maybe I'm over thinking this one. I've had plans with my parents, my sister, my mother in law and my wife before we separated to take a vacation to Mexico the week after 4th of July. We did the same trip last year. Well obviously because of what my W and I are going through she isnt going anymore and neither is the Mother in Law. While were talking today my W says' theres something else she wants to tell me...she says that her, her mom, her moms boyfriend and my wifes girlfriend from school are going to Mexico the same freaking days we are. Same beach town and all!! The only thing is they are staying way on one end of the town than we are way on the other. Part of me wishes she hadnt even told me they were going to be there. I'm pissed. I know its the only time she has off due to school but c'mon why the F#$% do they have to go to the same freakin place as us...
This is just a sign that her thinking is fvcked up. If you have some luck, you'll be walking on the beach in the evening and she her making out with some guy she just met.

This friend of hers may well have been toxic to your marriage. Do you know her?

Your MIL is also a head job. She is encouraging her daughter to do something stupid, weird and hurtful.

Quote:
We then talked about the wedding this weekend and both agreed that it's going to be weird and akward but we are both just going to be friendly to eachother and hangout in a big group with all of our friends like we used to. Sounds easier said than done I'm worried and anxious but I worry about everything. In my mind the past couple weeks I've been telling myself to just get through the wedding this weekend then start taking neccessary steps forward to better myself and move on. Well now I have this trip to Mexico to worry about. I feel like everything just keeps crumbling down on me and I cant barely keep my head above water.
Her trip to Mexico is another shyte test you cannot pass. If she gets unhappy there, then you would have failed to show up and make her happy. If you show up at her hotel, you are stalker.

You are frankly better off without this confused, manipulative and passive aggressive woman. I return to original proposal. Hand her the divorce papers at the wedding. Let her run off hysterically and act the drama queen.

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Thanks again to all who have given me advice and input on this forum. I think I'm almost there and ready to start taking real steps for myself. But I want you all to know that I do take your words and advice seriously and I genuinly appreciate it. I'm starting to depend on TAM to help me cope with this stuff.
PM Chuck for help. He is eloquent on letting go of partners who are no longer right.

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post #107 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-16-2015, 05:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Originally Posted by Chaparral View Post
She wants out but she's still taking your money. That's immoral.
What do you mean taking my money??
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post #108 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-16-2015, 06:18 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

While you are pondering this, I want to tell you that having my two children, a son and a daughter, is the most wonderful thing in life.

Good luck
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post #109 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-16-2015, 06:26 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Your running into what so many people run into in separations. You are standing still waiting and she is exploring the new world for her. In the short term is works well, they suddenly have freedom, as she said this weight is off her. Long term it rarely works but she has this picture in her head of this great new life.

Helping kids in poor nations, I don't fault the dream but the hard work to get from point A to B she isn't seeing and she doesn't want to right now.

Your issue isn't about having kids, your issue is your spouse no longer wants to be married to you or probably to anybody right now. Her pursuit of her dream life is overriding everything right now. The life you want to share cant compete with the picture in her head.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #110 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-16-2015, 06:28 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Bugged,

You are correct that TAM is not full of optimists. But everything that Mr Pack relates follows a pattern. His wife is either a WAW or a cheater who has not been busted.

I am not against reconciliation. I hope that he can achieve that if it is possible. As to what will make his wife fall back in love with him and feel desire, there is only one answer. She has to feel it. That will happen if she perceives him as masculine. To make children she wants an alpha male. Mr Pack cannot fight other men physically to prove that he is the one for her. His best shot is to detach. Take care of his health, mental and physical. He needs to show that he is confident of his future. His happiness cannot depend on her.

People want to be with happy people. But dysfunctional people are drawn into co dependency. They are not happy because their relationships are not healthy.

At the wedding Mr Pack is screwed. If he ignores and snubs his wife, he is a bitter loser. If he chases her, he is a clingy stalker.

She is going to Mexico to taunt and torment him. She not right in the head when it comes to decisions regarding her marriage.
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post #111 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-16-2015, 06:45 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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What do you mean taking my money??
Shes scraping by to pay for her education. You're still paying insurance and some other bills.

Also, any debts you have incurred during the marriage is half hers. I also think half her med school debts are also half yours while married. I've never heard of any type of debt incurred during marriage wasn't shared. Talk to a lawyer yesterday. I don't see only having her name on a loan absolves you of liability.
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post #112 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-16-2015, 06:47 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

It's also not unheard of for people to simply grow apart. Even if you convinced her to settle and have kids she wouldn't be happy, and it sounds like you guys are no longer compatible.

I know it's tough for many here to comprehend that women who want out are not always cheating but it does happen. I guess she could be but right now she doesn't want to be married to you and she doesn't want what you want so why push it?

There's plenty of women out there who want what you want.
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post #113 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-16-2015, 06:59 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Bugged,

You are correct that TAM is not full of optimists. But everything that Mr Pack relates follows a pattern. His wife is either a WAW or a cheater who has not been busted.

I am not against reconciliation. I hope that he can achieve that if it is possible. As to what will make his wife fall back in love with him and feel desire, there is only one answer. She has to feel it. That will happen if she perceives him as masculine. To make children she wants an alpha male. Mr Pack cannot fight other men physically to prove that he is the one for her. His best shot is to detach. Take care of his health, mental and physical. He needs to show that he is confident of his future. His happiness cannot depend on her.

People want to be with happy people. But dysfunctional people are drawn into co dependency. They are not happy because their relationships are not healthy.

At the wedding Mr Pack is screwed. If he ignores and snubs his wife, he is a bitter loser. If he chases her, he is a clingy stalker.

She is going to Mexico to taunt and torment him. She not right in the head when it comes to decisions regarding her marriage.
The wedding does seem like a pandoras box for him. Both of them sooner or later will feel like the eyes of the room will be on them.

Probably best to stay away from the free drinks that night.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #114 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-16-2015, 08:11 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Its funny that you ask, 4 weeks ago I would have answered your question with yes I'm willing to give up having kids and travel with her to help the less fortunate. But now that I've done at least a little thinking about what I want my answer is no. I do not want to give up my passion to become a father some day and start a family of my own. I think the fork is getting closer and closer to my hand. I now feel like I have some decisions to make to better myself and my future. I'm getting there but I cant see myself making that big decision within a week or 2.

Keep in mind when we first got married she was all into the idea of having a normal job and starting a family. As the years went on SHE started to change not me. So I do not have any guilt about the fact that I'm not willing to follow her to the "jungle" to save people.
Here's the thing, man.

I highly suspect -- and this is hard for you to hear -- that she's not done growing up yet, and it's not "helping the needy" that she wants, it's to have a plausible excuse to run away from you, have her ****s and giggles with other guys, "find herself," and settle down eventually with someone else.

She can't deal with the pressure, and she sure can't deal with the pressure of having you expect stuff from her.

Let her run. Let her have her fun.

You deserves someone that wants you, and wants those things with you.

It doesn't take more than a week to make any decision. It just doesn't. Don't waste any more time on the fence. Get off it and start moving forward.
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post #115 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-16-2015, 08:49 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Here's the thing, man.

I highly suspect -- and this is hard for you to hear -- that she's not done growing up yet, and it's not "helping the needy" that she wants, it's to have a plausible excuse to run away from you, have her ****s and giggles with other guys, "find herself," and settle down eventually with someone else.

She can't deal with the pressure, and she sure can't deal with the pressure of having you expect stuff from her.

Let her run. Let her have her fun.

You deserves someone that wants you, and wants those things with you.

It doesn't take more than a week to make any decision. It just doesn't. Don't waste any more time on the fence. Get off it and start moving forward.
I second this.


When going through hell - don't stop. - Winston Churchill
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post #116 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-17-2015, 03:10 AM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

That is why handing the divorce papers and going no contact asap is the way to go. Filing for divorce is giving her want she wants. Give it to her. Will it make her happy? Who knows? She claims that separation brought relief. That is a sign that it is really over.

But she doesn't truly know her own mind. No children, really?

Filing for divorce is at least a sign that intellectually you are ready to move on. That is some sort of statement of strength. You need to file. Okay, give it to her at the end of the wedding so that she cannot blubber in front of everyone and claim you are "cruel". Definitely you need to file before you go for vacation. Let her get on the plane knowing that her STBX is going the same place and that she chose to set up the possibility of accidental meeting.

Mr Pack what was you major in college? Did you meet her in a class? At a party?

Also, your "lunch" didn't turn out to be much of a meal. She is dealing you stuff in ways that increases your pain. Thus the need to 180 and no contact.

Last edited by LongWalk; 06-17-2015 at 03:25 AM.
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post #117 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-17-2015, 06:52 AM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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The wedding does seem like a pandoras box for him. Both of them sooner or later will feel like the eyes of the room will be on them.

Probably best to stay away from the free drinks that night.
I would have enough drinks to have fun but not get drunk. I would dance with has many single women as possible and get as many phone numbers as possible.

This marriage is toast because your wife has put it in the toaster. All she wants from you is to make it as easdy on her as possible. In other words, take your broken heart and disappear.

Get a lawyer Monday and cut her off. Go dark. If she brings up the best friend thing again try to tell her no without cussing her.
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post #118 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-17-2015, 07:22 AM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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I would have enough drinks to have fun but not get drunk. I would dance with has many single women as possible and get as many phone numbers as possible.

This marriage is toast because your wife has put it in the toaster. All she wants from you is to make it as easdy on her as possible. In other words, take your broken heart and disappear.

Get a lawyer Monday and cut her off. Go dark. If she brings up the best friend thing again try to tell her no without cussing her.
By the way, I did something si!molar to this and my fiance came running back. Two years later I broke it off, things just weren't the same with me.
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post #119 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-17-2015, 09:32 AM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Why can t they part in an amicable way..what can he achieve from going dark?
You know, he can start to bring himself out of this hellhole her immaturity put him in?

There is no value in being her friend for him. There is value for her.

And I suspect that gets to the root of the problem, for both of them.
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post #120 of 1439 (permalink) Old 06-17-2015, 10:34 AM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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They had a bad marriage for a couple of years...in the end she made a decision that made things harder for her financially...she had to work more while studying for her finals...I think she's been very honest and kind of brave too..the easy way would have been to wait till the finals...not clear to me why friendship has value for her but not for him...the last thing he wants is an uncooperative wife for the divorce...also he would crush any hope of her coming back if she thinks he's beeing an a'hole...men are just too vengeful sometimes...
Disagree x 1000.

The only thing worse than making the walkaway spouse realize right away that they're living in fantasyland is waiting to do it.

Because it's coming. And will only get worse the longer you let it go on.

And the only one it will really hurt is him.

She got over him long ago. That's the problem in these situations -- she's already mourned the relationship and is now wanting to move on and be free. He's still mourning it.

It's difficult to do that when the person that pulled the rug out is still in your life, and you get to watch them move on, ahead of the game, emotionally.
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