Feeling like crap today with separation - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 1426 (permalink) Old 05-31-2015, 04:45 PM Thread Starter
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Feeling like crap today with separation

I talked to my wife today about some problems I had with how our separation is going. We are coming on to week 4 and have yet to discuss a timeline or plan as to when/how we can try and fix things. She still doesn't know when she'll be ready to work on things or go the other route. I told her how mad I've been lately feeling like we are just in a state of limbo with all of this and she says she understands and is sorry but she isn't ready to make any decisions yet.

It's hard because she is considerably more busy than I am since she is in med school right now and I just work a normal 9-5 job. I understand that its going to take her longer to figure out what she wants to do but it's not easy. I also understand that we are in a real separation but I'm really struggling to keep a positive routine going without her in my life. One day I have thoughts of "screw this I'm tired of waiting around for her" then I have I thoughts of "I will do anything to reconcile no matter how long it takes".

My question I guess is how long is too long for a separation??

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post #2 of 1426 (permalink) Old 05-31-2015, 04:54 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Originally Posted by MrPack View Post
I talked to my wife today about some problems I had with how our separation is going. We are coming on to week 4 and have yet to discuss a timeline or plan as to when/how we can try and fix things. She still doesn't know when she'll be ready to work on things or go the other route. I told her how mad I've been lately feeling like we are just in a state of limbo with all of this and she says she understands and is sorry but she isn't ready to make any decisions yet.

It's hard because she is considerably more busy than I am since she is in med school right now and I just work a normal 9-5 job. I understand that its going to take her longer to figure out what she wants to do but it's not easy. I also understand that we are in a real separation but I'm really struggling to keep a positive routine going without her in my life. One day I have thoughts of "screw this I'm tired of waiting around for her" then I have I thoughts of "I will do anything to reconcile no matter how long it takes".

My question I guess is how long is too long for a separation??
So I'm still a newbie on TAM, but I'm going to offer my two cents on this. Don't do anything that would cause you to lose your dignity or self-respect. I took the approach of "I'll do anything to save my marriage", and the only result was me hating myself afterwards. In retrospect, what I thought was 'the devoted husband' strategy was nothing more than groveling to a person who threw our marriage vows in the trash.

I support your efforts to save your marriage, but don't lose yourself in the process. Believe me...it's a long road back.
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post #3 of 1426 (permalink) Old 05-31-2015, 05:40 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

I'm new here too, but also in the midst of a separation. OP, I can totally relate to your feelings. My separation is 6 months now and my H is not ready to commit to one way or another. A friend of mine said that the limbo is literally the worst stage of this uncertain game. I can sympathize with your feelings of screw this and back to but if I just give it some time...unfortunately I have no words of advice but I did want to just say hang in there..😔
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post #4 of 1426 (permalink) Old 05-31-2015, 06:29 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Why did you separate? What were your issues?
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post #5 of 1426 (permalink) Old 05-31-2015, 06:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Why did you separate? What were your issues?
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I posted my original story about a week ago. But long story short we've sort of just drifted apart the last couple years very slowly. She started med school about 6 months ago and that was the straw that broke the camels back. We have no time for eachother right now because of our conflicting schedules. We sort of turned into roommates so to speak. Tip toed around all the signs of our marriage falling apart and now we are here. Neither one of us is ready to give up yet but also we cant find a common ground to start working on things either. She literally is wrapped up in med school plus work at the med school 80 hours a week then more studying on the weekends.

Right now we are both working on ourselves and trying to figure out if we do want to make it work. I'm really struggling cause I'm ready to try now but she isn't there yet.
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post #6 of 1426 (permalink) Old 05-31-2015, 11:22 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

Doesn't seem to be very good conditions for a separation with the intent of reconciliation...mainly med school...as that in itself is going to be such a huge physical and emotional drain on her.

Yet, I know asking someone to put off med school to fix a marriage would probably be asking too much. I would drop something in a heartbeat to save my marriage...I know my STBX would not.

Having said that, I would suggest that you take the time to bring the focus into your areas of responsibility. Do your part to demonstrate your seriousness of fixing things even if your wife isn't presently able.

unblinded made a very good point as to not diminish your perceived value/wife's respect. You do this by perhaps doing a partial 180...because there is still SOME intent to save the relationship, but I would highly suggest you refrain from talking about the future or try to corner your wife into recommitting. Let the cage door be open without any strings attached. I know this feels like insanity because you already aren't spending much time together...but you need a total PR overhaul.

Hit the gym. Start up a whole new network of support. Get a new style going for yourself. Mix it up. And when you do meet with wife, you are basically going to take her on dates where she can feel some release from the stress and pressure of her schooling...and doesn't feel like she is compelled to have to attend to your emotional wants/needs/longings. Again, do not talk about the future...let her bring it up...and when she does, don't spring like a bear trap.

For a person who has one foot out of the door, being pressured repels them. If you leave the cage door open, make yourself more attractive, and give them space...they may get curious and float back on in. That is your best bet to keep her in the game.

However, setting a timeframe and laying down the gauntlet of "enough is enough" is still ultimately justified...as her expectations to drift in this separation limbo without any explicit plans or steps towards reconciliation is not cool. This however, won't be the maneuver of a lesser being, where you are needy and whining for your wife to come back because it is unfair. No, this is you taking power when you have demonstrated attractiveness, self-respect...and has been playing a cool-cat while wooing your wife back. Eventually you will need to express your expectation that this limbo ends...that you deserve better treatment...and you are prepared to dutifully call it quits and move onto bigger and better things.

I guess what I am saying is that you need to get far away from the perspective that you need to measure up to her expectations...but you need to increase your perceived value, so that she will be forced to reckon with your expectations. Not whiny expectations, but expectations from the new, sexual demi-god that you have become during the separation. Changes that are real, not surface...which is hard to do, but necessary to put a jolt in this thing.

That way, if she decided to reconcile...then you can walk into full confidence to dictate for yourself what needs to take place while she has to decide if she'll join you in that direction or not. No compromises. And if she has decided to move on, then you have already done your own steps towards independence. I know it is stressful and lonely right now, but you are going to have to dig deep and get over the rejection your feel to take charge of your life and situation.
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post #7 of 1426 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 12:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Doesn't seem to be very good conditions for a separation with the intent of reconciliation...mainly med school...as that in itself is going to be such a huge physical and emotional drain on her.

Yet, I know asking someone to put off med school to fix a marriage would probably be asking too much. I would drop something in a heartbeat to save my marriage...I know my STBX would not.

Having said that, I would suggest that you take the time to bring the focus into your areas of responsibility. Do your part to demonstrate your seriousness of fixing things even if your wife isn't presently able.

unblinded made a very good point as to not diminish your perceived value/wife's respect. You do this by perhaps doing a partial 180...because there is still SOME intent to save the relationship, but I would highly suggest you refrain from talking about the future or try to corner your wife into recommitting. Let the cage door be open without any strings attached. I know this feels like insanity because you already aren't spending much time together...but you need a total PR overhaul.

Hit the gym. Start up a whole new network of support. Get a new style going for yourself. Mix it up. And when you do meet with wife, you are basically going to take her on dates where she can feel some release from the stress and pressure of her schooling...and doesn't feel like she is compelled to have to attend to your emotional wants/needs/longings. Again, do not talk about the future...let her bring it up...and when she does, don't spring like a bear trap.

For a person who has one foot out of the door, being pressured repels them. If you leave the cage door open, make yourself more attractive, and give them space...they may get curious and float back on in. That is your best bet to keep her in the game.

However, setting a timeframe and laying down the gauntlet of "enough is enough" is still ultimately justified...as her expectations to drift in this separation limbo without any explicit plans or steps towards reconciliation is not cool. This however, won't be the maneuver of a lesser being, where you are needy and whining for your wife to come back because it is unfair. No, this is you taking power when you have demonstrated attractiveness, self-respect...and has been playing a cool-cat while wooing your wife back. Eventually you will need to express your expectation that this limbo ends...that you deserve better treatment...and you are prepared to dutifully call it quits and move onto bigger and better things.

I guess what I am saying is that you need to get far away from the perspective that you need to measure up to her expectations...but you need to increase your perceived value, so that she will be forced to reckon with your expectations. Not whiny expectations, but expectations from the new, sexual demi-god that you have become during the separation. Changes that are real, not surface...which is hard to do, but necessary to put a jolt in this thing.

That way, if she decided to reconcile...then you can walk into full confidence to dictate for yourself what needs to take place while she has to decide if she'll join you in that direction or not. No compromises. And if she has decided to move on, then you have already done your own steps towards independence. I know it is stressful and lonely right now, but you are going to have to dig deep and get over the rejection your feel to take charge of your life and situation.
You pretty much hit the nail on the head with everything my close friends and family are telling me. Thank you for your advice and encouragement. My goal for this week is to back off and continue to do things for myself. I said my piece to her today whether that was good or bad it happened. I cant force anything on her so I'm trying really hard starting tonight to back off and give it some time and also trying really hard to be okay with my own thoughts, needs, wants and feelings about my future and our "potential future" together.
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post #8 of 1426 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 12:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

update....

I get a call last night from my wifes drunk cousin. He blabbered about how no matter what happens with me and my wife that he will always be there for me and consider me a brother. Then he proceeds to say that he knows nothing but has a feeling that my wife may have met someone else because he thinks this separation just came out of no where. I explained to him that things built up over the past couple years but he just kept saying he thinks theres someone else. Keep in mind my wife has maybe talked to this cousin 2 times in the last 6 months. He swears up and down that he knows nothing, no facts or anything he just has a gut feeling. So anyway I was feeling really good last night up until that call. I dont even talk to the guy much either, he's known in the family for being a drunk and always involved in everyones business but tries to make it seem like he cares. If he truly cared why would he call me all hammered and tell me all his awful suspicions and theories with no facts to back it up?

I talked to my wife this morning because I was pissed and wanted her to know that her cousin was butting into our business and that of course pissed her off. Apparently the same cousin called her last night soon after he had called me. She said he had been drinking all day and was crying on the phone to her about how sad he is for us. Aside from that while talking to my wife today she said it again that she is not seeing anyone right now and then proceeded to say but we are separated and that she consideres that as being somewhat single. She says to me that if I go on dates or meet another women that she doesnt want to know about it but I dont feel the same way. I'm not doign this separation deal so that we can go out and date people. I konw alot of you will read this post and say oh she's definately seeing another man maybe she is but the one thing that her and I always had was honesty. But now she is acting like just because we are separated that we dont have to know everything about what eachother is doing.

I'm losing hope every day it seems like, part of me sees us working things out in the future and another part of me says screw this at the very least file for a legal separation and then look at divorce. I dont know what to do and how much time I should sit around thinking about which direction to go.
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post #9 of 1426 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 12:55 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

You're right. I do think she's already seeing someone .
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post #10 of 1426 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 01:15 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

So very sorry for your pain, and yes I think she's looking to see other people, if it hasn't started already.

The best thing you can do for you is to implement the 180. This allows you to gain some perspective on the relationship and gives you strength, no matter what direction your relationship goes.

Don't you find it odd (in a hurtful way), that your spouse has repeatedly said she can't consider working on your relationship, but that she'll go out and start a new one. Sweetie if she has the time to start a new relationship, she can damn well work on the one she hasn't finished yet. I know you want to save the relationship. Are you willing to end it to make that happen? Right now it doesn't seem like your spouse has any reason to stop her current path. Perhaps if she knew the separation has consequences that might change. I would recommend seeing an attorney and making this all formal. She is resisting any work on your marriage because she's taking the easy way out. Stop making it easy for her.

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post #11 of 1426 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 01:17 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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update....
while talking to my wife today she said it again that she is not seeing anyone right now and then proceeded to say but we are separated and that she consideres that as being somewhat single. She says to me that if I go on dates or meet another women that she doesnt want to know about it
You should disregard the drunk cousin as well as your wife's denial. However, her reply contains two very big and very common red flags. I guess that she is developing a new relationship with someone. You can probably find out the details, but she is not likely to show remorse because she seems to already be emotionally gone.
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post #12 of 1426 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 01:39 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

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Don't you find it odd (in a hurtful way), that your spouse has repeatedly said she can't consider working on your relationship, but that she'll go out and start a new one. .......... Perhaps if she knew the separation has consequences that might change. I would recommend seeing an attorney and making this all formal. She is resisting any work on your marriage because she's taking the easy way out. Stop making it easy for her.
Yea, too busy with studies deal with her old relationship. That's a rather cruel realization.

For your second point, I agree that he needs to stop waiting, but in this case, I think he should first distance himself from her before divorcing her. She's not likely the type who will realize the value of what she may lose. She has the drive to pursue medical school. She is likely attracted more to men who she feels are equals.

Best thing the OP can do is distance himself and realize that he can also be happier someday with a better person who admires him.
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post #13 of 1426 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 01:47 PM
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

You must be in Egypt because you are in "denial".
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post #14 of 1426 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 01:53 PM
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Feeling like crap today with separation

Are you interested in waiting in the wings, pining for her while she test rides the new guy?
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post #15 of 1426 (permalink) Old 06-01-2015, 02:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling like crap today with separation

I am fairly new to TAM but I feel like every post including mine that I read about a spouse leaving another spouse everone just jumps right into the "oh your spouse has met someone else". I konw it happens A LOT, but what if it isnt happening and I sit here investigating that possibility and act like a creep prying into everything how does that look in the end if she isnt seeing someone else?

I am fully prepared to start the 180 and do things for me but I dont see myself running around every chance I get spying on her and trying to figure out if she's lying about seeing someone else it'll drive me crazy. If she's not being truthfull about it right now she's gonna have to be soon when I give her the ultimatum.

I've posted about it before but we have our friends wedding out of town in a few weeks (I'm a groomsman and shes a bridesmaide). My plan right now is to step away and not contact her at all from now until the wedding. After the wedding is over I'm going to have one last talk with her and lay out my ultimatum. I feel like I could do that now but I dont want to make things more uncomforatable for MYSELF during our friends wedding.
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