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Feeling like crap today with separation

256K views 1K replies 93 participants last post by  Chuck71 
#1 ·
I talked to my wife today about some problems I had with how our separation is going. We are coming on to week 4 and have yet to discuss a timeline or plan as to when/how we can try and fix things. She still doesn't know when she'll be ready to work on things or go the other route. I told her how mad I've been lately feeling like we are just in a state of limbo with all of this and she says she understands and is sorry but she isn't ready to make any decisions yet.

It's hard because she is considerably more busy than I am since she is in med school right now and I just work a normal 9-5 job. I understand that its going to take her longer to figure out what she wants to do but it's not easy. I also understand that we are in a real separation but I'm really struggling to keep a positive routine going without her in my life. One day I have thoughts of "screw this I'm tired of waiting around for her" then I have I thoughts of "I will do anything to reconcile no matter how long it takes".

My question I guess is how long is too long for a separation??
 
#2 ·
I talked to my wife today about some problems I had with how our separation is going. We are coming on to week 4 and have yet to discuss a timeline or plan as to when/how we can try and fix things. She still doesn't know when she'll be ready to work on things or go the other route. I told her how mad I've been lately feeling like we are just in a state of limbo with all of this and she says she understands and is sorry but she isn't ready to make any decisions yet.

It's hard because she is considerably more busy than I am since she is in med school right now and I just work a normal 9-5 job. I understand that its going to take her longer to figure out what she wants to do but it's not easy. I also understand that we are in a real separation but I'm really struggling to keep a positive routine going without her in my life. One day I have thoughts of "screw this I'm tired of waiting around for her" then I have I thoughts of "I will do anything to reconcile no matter how long it takes".

My question I guess is how long is too long for a separation??
So I'm still a newbie on TAM, but I'm going to offer my two cents on this. Don't do anything that would cause you to lose your dignity or self-respect. I took the approach of "I'll do anything to save my marriage", and the only result was me hating myself afterwards. In retrospect, what I thought was 'the devoted husband' strategy was nothing more than groveling to a person who threw our marriage vows in the trash.

I support your efforts to save your marriage, but don't lose yourself in the process. Believe me...it's a long road back.
 
#3 ·
I'm new here too, but also in the midst of a separation. OP, I can totally relate to your feelings. My separation is 6 months now and my H is not ready to commit to one way or another. A friend of mine said that the limbo is literally the worst stage of this uncertain game. I can sympathize with your feelings of screw this and back to but if I just give it some time...unfortunately I have no words of advice but I did want to just say hang in there..😔
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#5 ·
I posted my original story about a week ago. But long story short we've sort of just drifted apart the last couple years very slowly. She started med school about 6 months ago and that was the straw that broke the camels back. We have no time for eachother right now because of our conflicting schedules. We sort of turned into roommates so to speak. Tip toed around all the signs of our marriage falling apart and now we are here. Neither one of us is ready to give up yet but also we cant find a common ground to start working on things either. She literally is wrapped up in med school plus work at the med school 80 hours a week then more studying on the weekends.

Right now we are both working on ourselves and trying to figure out if we do want to make it work. I'm really struggling cause I'm ready to try now but she isn't there yet.
 
#6 ·
Doesn't seem to be very good conditions for a separation with the intent of reconciliation...mainly med school...as that in itself is going to be such a huge physical and emotional drain on her.

Yet, I know asking someone to put off med school to fix a marriage would probably be asking too much. I would drop something in a heartbeat to save my marriage...I know my STBX would not.

Having said that, I would suggest that you take the time to bring the focus into your areas of responsibility. Do your part to demonstrate your seriousness of fixing things even if your wife isn't presently able.

unblinded made a very good point as to not diminish your perceived value/wife's respect. You do this by perhaps doing a partial 180...because there is still SOME intent to save the relationship, but I would highly suggest you refrain from talking about the future or try to corner your wife into recommitting. Let the cage door be open without any strings attached. I know this feels like insanity because you already aren't spending much time together...but you need a total PR overhaul.

Hit the gym. Start up a whole new network of support. Get a new style going for yourself. Mix it up. And when you do meet with wife, you are basically going to take her on dates where she can feel some release from the stress and pressure of her schooling...and doesn't feel like she is compelled to have to attend to your emotional wants/needs/longings. Again, do not talk about the future...let her bring it up...and when she does, don't spring like a bear trap.

For a person who has one foot out of the door, being pressured repels them. If you leave the cage door open, make yourself more attractive, and give them space...they may get curious and float back on in. That is your best bet to keep her in the game.

However, setting a timeframe and laying down the gauntlet of "enough is enough" is still ultimately justified...as her expectations to drift in this separation limbo without any explicit plans or steps towards reconciliation is not cool. This however, won't be the maneuver of a lesser being, where you are needy and whining for your wife to come back because it is unfair. No, this is you taking power when you have demonstrated attractiveness, self-respect...and has been playing a cool-cat while wooing your wife back. Eventually you will need to express your expectation that this limbo ends...that you deserve better treatment...and you are prepared to dutifully call it quits and move onto bigger and better things.

I guess what I am saying is that you need to get far away from the perspective that you need to measure up to her expectations...but you need to increase your perceived value, so that she will be forced to reckon with your expectations. Not whiny expectations, but expectations from the new, sexual demi-god that you have become during the separation. Changes that are real, not surface...which is hard to do, but necessary to put a jolt in this thing.

That way, if she decided to reconcile...then you can walk into full confidence to dictate for yourself what needs to take place while she has to decide if she'll join you in that direction or not. No compromises. And if she has decided to move on, then you have already done your own steps towards independence. I know it is stressful and lonely right now, but you are going to have to dig deep and get over the rejection your feel to take charge of your life and situation.
 
#7 ·
You pretty much hit the nail on the head with everything my close friends and family are telling me. Thank you for your advice and encouragement. My goal for this week is to back off and continue to do things for myself. I said my piece to her today whether that was good or bad it happened. I cant force anything on her so I'm trying really hard starting tonight to back off and give it some time and also trying really hard to be okay with my own thoughts, needs, wants and feelings about my future and our "potential future" together.
 
#8 ·
update....

I get a call last night from my wifes drunk cousin. He blabbered about how no matter what happens with me and my wife that he will always be there for me and consider me a brother. Then he proceeds to say that he knows nothing but has a feeling that my wife may have met someone else because he thinks this separation just came out of no where. I explained to him that things built up over the past couple years but he just kept saying he thinks theres someone else. Keep in mind my wife has maybe talked to this cousin 2 times in the last 6 months. He swears up and down that he knows nothing, no facts or anything he just has a gut feeling. So anyway I was feeling really good last night up until that call. I dont even talk to the guy much either, he's known in the family for being a drunk and always involved in everyones business but tries to make it seem like he cares. If he truly cared why would he call me all hammered and tell me all his awful suspicions and theories with no facts to back it up?

I talked to my wife this morning because I was pissed and wanted her to know that her cousin was butting into our business and that of course pissed her off. Apparently the same cousin called her last night soon after he had called me. She said he had been drinking all day and was crying on the phone to her about how sad he is for us. Aside from that while talking to my wife today she said it again that she is not seeing anyone right now and then proceeded to say but we are separated and that she consideres that as being somewhat single. She says to me that if I go on dates or meet another women that she doesnt want to know about it but I dont feel the same way. I'm not doign this separation deal so that we can go out and date people. I konw alot of you will read this post and say oh she's definately seeing another man maybe she is but the one thing that her and I always had was honesty. But now she is acting like just because we are separated that we dont have to know everything about what eachother is doing.

I'm losing hope every day it seems like, part of me sees us working things out in the future and another part of me says screw this at the very least file for a legal separation and then look at divorce. I dont know what to do and how much time I should sit around thinking about which direction to go.
 
#11 ·
update....
while talking to my wife today she said it again that she is not seeing anyone right now and then proceeded to say but we are separated and that she consideres that as being somewhat single. She says to me that if I go on dates or meet another women that she doesnt want to know about it
You should disregard the drunk cousin as well as your wife's denial. However, her reply contains two very big and very common red flags. I guess that she is developing a new relationship with someone. You can probably find out the details, but she is not likely to show remorse because she seems to already be emotionally gone.
 
#10 ·
So very sorry for your pain, and yes I think she's looking to see other people, if it hasn't started already.

The best thing you can do for you is to implement the 180. This allows you to gain some perspective on the relationship and gives you strength, no matter what direction your relationship goes.

Don't you find it odd (in a hurtful way), that your spouse has repeatedly said she can't consider working on your relationship, but that she'll go out and start a new one. Sweetie if she has the time to start a new relationship, she can damn well work on the one she hasn't finished yet. I know you want to save the relationship. Are you willing to end it to make that happen? Right now it doesn't seem like your spouse has any reason to stop her current path. Perhaps if she knew the separation has consequences that might change. I would recommend seeing an attorney and making this all formal. She is resisting any work on your marriage because she's taking the easy way out. Stop making it easy for her.
 
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#12 ·
Don't you find it odd (in a hurtful way), that your spouse has repeatedly said she can't consider working on your relationship, but that she'll go out and start a new one. .......... Perhaps if she knew the separation has consequences that might change. I would recommend seeing an attorney and making this all formal. She is resisting any work on your marriage because she's taking the easy way out. Stop making it easy for her.
Yea, too busy with studies deal with her old relationship. That's a rather cruel realization.

For your second point, I agree that he needs to stop waiting, but in this case, I think he should first distance himself from her before divorcing her. She's not likely the type who will realize the value of what she may lose. She has the drive to pursue medical school. She is likely attracted more to men who she feels are equals.

Best thing the OP can do is distance himself and realize that he can also be happier someday with a better person who admires him.
 
#15 ·
I am fairly new to TAM but I feel like every post including mine that I read about a spouse leaving another spouse everone just jumps right into the "oh your spouse has met someone else". I konw it happens A LOT, but what if it isnt happening and I sit here investigating that possibility and act like a creep prying into everything how does that look in the end if she isnt seeing someone else?

I am fully prepared to start the 180 and do things for me but I dont see myself running around every chance I get spying on her and trying to figure out if she's lying about seeing someone else it'll drive me crazy. If she's not being truthfull about it right now she's gonna have to be soon when I give her the ultimatum.

I've posted about it before but we have our friends wedding out of town in a few weeks (I'm a groomsman and shes a bridesmaide). My plan right now is to step away and not contact her at all from now until the wedding. After the wedding is over I'm going to have one last talk with her and lay out my ultimatum. I feel like I could do that now but I dont want to make things more uncomforatable for MYSELF during our friends wedding.
 
#16 ·
There is NO OTHER EXPLANATION for her saying I am ok with dating others during this separation...as long as we keep it a secret.

She is cheating or wants to cheat and does not want to be called out on it.

Tell her you don't believe married couples should date others and if that is what she wants you will help move things along and file for D.
 
#18 ·
Like I said I have 3 weeks until our friends wedding and the inevidably awkward and tough night. Once that wedding weekend is over I feel right now that I can and will give her the ultimatum. At that time it will be a month and a half. Up to this point it does seem like she is just keeping me on the back burner in case whatever plan she thinks she has doesnt work out. I would have this talk with her right now but I DO NOT want to flare up that drama prior to the wedding and make things harder than they will already be.

Again, thanks everyone for your comments and advice. I never thought I would feel this terrible, up until yesterday I was going through the poor pittiful me phase and telling myself everything will work out if I have faith and stay posititve. Well now I feel like my anger is finally comming out, I'm pissed off that I sacraficed so much for her while she went through under grad only working part time and then med school. I put off alot of goals for myself and goals I thought we wanted but I was wrong. I'm pissed off that she can do this to me and not flinch. Yea maybe she is hurting too but it sure as hell doesnt seem like it. I'm sick that she has treated our marriage and me as not so much of a priority. If there is someone else not only is she obviously going to lose me but she will be losing A LOT of family and friends. How can one person change so much within a couple years? Why did I let it get so bad without confronting it. Okay rant over...
 
#19 ·
Conflict avoidant are you?

What if by standing your ground now you prevent her from consummating this other relationship she is contemplating?

Dude, she is taking you for a chump!

Who gives a $hit whether you and her have some awkward thing going at a wedding 3 weeks from now?

If she says "No, I am ready to end this M", then you go to the wedding without a ring and show all those single ladies how F'ing awesome you are.
 
#21 ·
Conflict avoidant are you?
In other areas of life, he might not be conflict avoidant. One thing I have learned is that it is impossible for most people to think completely rationally when confronted with the pain of betrayal. Give him some time to process this. It took me a year to think clearly.

Most of us are 99.5% certain that his wife is involved with another man. However, it is that .5% chance that is very difficult for the BS to let go of.
 
#22 ·
I feel you should give it at least a year. I know, right now, this may seem like forever. But really, a year can put many things into perspective for you. When my H left me, all my friends and family told me not to make any radical decisions because I wasn't thinking straight. They all told me, give it a year. You will know in a year which way your marriage will end up. Maybe you guys will get back together, maybe you file for a divorce.

So I'm giving you the same advice. A year seems fair. Time goes by so quick that it'll be here before you know it! Hang in there. You're in a tough spot right now. I HATED to be in that limbo state. It was sooooooo unfair! But, at the end, that time apart helped me become stronger. I wish you the best in whatever you decide!
 
#23 ·
When we spoke this morning I told her I dont agree with seeing other people during separation. She then said again that she isnt seeing someone else and I also said I wasnt seeing anyone else. I made it pretty damn clear this morning to her that I do not agree with that thought but I am not prepared enough yet mentally to have the final "showdown" and give her the its my way or the highway talk. Hell I dont even know fully what I want yet.

I know most of you have had experience in situations like this and you have your suspicions based on my posts but knowing who I am and where I'm at with all of this I know that right now I am not prepared to sit down and tell her the bottom line. She wants her space and I've given that to her, now I feel like I am ready to take advantage of that space and do things for myself and when I'm ready and feeling strong and confident I'll lay it all out on the table.

As for the phone bill, I've looked at that damn thing almost every day the past couple weeks and have found nothing unusual. Literally all the numbers she sends/receives texts to or calls/receives calls are the girls in her study group, family, friends that she has been talking to for years. Theres one guy from her school that she texts within the same study group text conversations and he likes guys soo...

I honestly think she made those comments about acting "single" while separated because she wants to be single right now and see if she can handle life without me, does that mean she's found someone else already...I personally dont think so right now but what it does seem to me is that she wants to make herself feel okay with the fact in case she does meet someone while we are separated. And that is just as bad in my mind.

Like I said I appreciate what you guys all have to say and I am asking for advice but its sooo hard when I have close friends, family and her family (aside from her drunk cousin) who all tell me I'm being rediculous for thinking she's seeing someone. I dont know who to listen to anymore.
 
#24 ·
When we spoke this morning I told her I dont agree with seeing other people during separation. She then said again that she isnt seeing someone else and I also said I wasnt seeing anyone else. I made it pretty damn clear this morning to her that I do not agree with that thought but I am not prepared enough yet mentally to have the final "showdown" and give her the its my way or the highway talk. Hell I dont even know fully what I want yet.


I should have mentioned that there was texting going on this morning after the initial conversation and after my initial post.
 
#26 ·
I know of one couple who separated for issues not related to infidelity and got back together and are still together. They had 3 kids and she left him for a while, mostly due to mistreatment. She stayed with HIS family.

You know your wife and we don't, but the biggest red flag is her willingness, at least, to date other people. You shouldn't have to be in a position of wondering whether or not she has come across someone "better" than you. If her motivation for the separation is truly to try to work things out, her stance on this issue should be, "HECK no! Seeing anyone else is not even on my radar!"

I get what you mean about the wedding. I'm in a 3 week wait as well (I'm moving out) so I'll wait with you :).
 
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#28 ·
MrPack,

You are an intelligent person but it is hard for you to face the truth. Your wife is like an employer who has decided that a certain someone on the staff does not measure up. She is looking for the right way to fire you. At the moment you are on probation. This has shredded your self confidence which only fuels her desire to get rid of you.

Do you remember when she was studying for MCATs? How did she treat you then?

When you got a job how did she treat you? When you got your first pay check and took her out for dinner, how did you feel?

Right now you don't dare put your hand between her legs or touch her breast. In fact do you even dare to hug her? Kiss her? This is no way to live.

As to the wedding it will likely be a tense and miserable experience, unless you can do something crazy and funny to escape the pressure.

1) Look her in the eye and tell her that seeing others is cheating. If she wants to date, divorce. It's that simple. Force her to come out with it instead of drawing out the separation, leaving you in limbo. The limbo is going to make you feel worse than if you just end it.

2) Who files for divorce?
One approach now is file first. In fact, I recommend that you file and give it to her at wedding. Let her break down and run away. The alternative is that you walk around like a self conscious robot.

3) Just do the 180
The purpose of the 180 is make putting an end to it easier on you. It is possible that the 180 will shock her back. You cannot jump if she shows some marginal interest in you. The person who wants the relationship less has all the the power. The person who doesn't want it is the dictator.

Hit the gym. Are you over weight? To help you sleep put in a brutal workout everyday to tire you out completely. What sports do you play?

Has you wife unfriended you on Facebook already?

Maybe you should post pictures of you rowing a scull or rock climbing. Find out what the coolest indie music coming down is. Go and listen. Visit your friends. Go to a fertility clinic and donate sperm, maybe they even pay for it. When you think about your WW/WAW, you can smile and think that maybe your DNA is already combined into making a new human being. I don't have any tattoos, but maybe you should.

Finally, doctors have crazy hours. She hasn't even gotten to the stay all hours of the day and night in the hospital.

How is she paying for medical school? Are you helping her?
 
#29 ·
With more detail coming in, it sounds like she waiting to "upgrade" when the time is appropriate. With med school on the horizon, I can't think of a worse time for someone wanting a separation...such a huge waste of finances and energy that could be devoted to study and sleep. This situation triggers my affair spider-sense.

I take it you are still financially floating her in spite of the separation? If so, then she isn't thinking in terms of independence to "think things through", but rather she may be thinking in terms of getting paid and getting to sleep with someone else. I could be way off base, but this doesn't reconcile very well without another person in the picture.

But then again, we don;t really know the preexisting issues that led to the separation. But, if I were thin-slicing the situation, I'd say she has some diminished respect for you, going to med school, is looking to upgrade in all areas of her life, including her marriage, but needs financial stability until graduation, so she is willing to stretch this all out and keep s*** vague and you on the hook until she has her ducks in order.

OR she is already sleeping with someone else and is making things intolerable enough that you will be the one to call it quits first or you get so sexualy frustrated that you will take her up on her hall pass suggestion, and then she can justfiably end the marriage because you are a b*****d for leaving her and sleeping around.

You are a married man with a wife who is acting bizarre...and is giving you nothing to go on...you have every right to rule out an affair...and this drunk cousin calling up seems way out there, but he may actually know more than he is letting on. Some friends/family will give you hints, but often don't want to finger the suspect for fear of coming back on them or breaking someone's confidence. Take what he said as a warning to open your eyes.

Check cell phone bill/statements...she may have a burner phone though. If you are out of physical contact, a VAR might be too risky and intrusive, but I would start pricing a private investigator.
 
#32 ·
Thanks again everyone. As far as financial support. She works part time at the school so she has been living off of that small income and her credit card. The only thing I'm still paying for is car insurance and our phone bill, she has student loans out in her name and her name only so thank god for that. I think in the last 2 weeks she's used our joint account for like $15 at a grocery store. I will certainly take in all that you guys are saying, all of what my friends and family are saying and begin the process of where do I go from here. I guess right now as in today or even this week my head isn't in the right spot to make any big time decisions. I sort of let her have it today when we were texting so I'm hoping that she at least is starting to see that I'm not going to be in limbo much longer but I do know that if things don't change soon It'll have to be me that cuts ties.

I've lost 25lbs since this all started partially from stress and not eating and partially from my new working out routine hopefully that'll help me feel better about myself and relieve at least a bit of stress.

Also, I'll keep my updates to this thread so its easier to follow. Sorry about that I'm still a newbie.
 
#34 ·
Honcho is right of course. it's probably a classmate.

I've lost 25lbs since this all started partially from stress and not eating and partially from my new working out routine hopefully that'll help me feel better about myself and relieve at least a bit of stress.
Good! You need to build muscle. TAM had a guy named Mach who talked about the roots of female desire. A v-shaped torso turns them on.

No doubt if you got a promotion or a spot in prestigious grad school program, she might well feel you were rising in sex ranking. If you were photographed with an attractive woman who has social standing and she clicked like on your Facebook stuff, she might feel jealousy.

What is going to attract her back to you? Nostalgia? She is not in love or lust. She is studying, meeting her classmates and blocking you out. She may or may not be sexually active with another man, but she is not longing for you.
 
#35 ·
So all she has done is move out? No counseling, no dating (you), no sex(with you)? Are you having discussions in person? There is no real point in a texting, calling relationship. For example, when she talked about dating other people and being "single", you have no idea what she really meant. 80% of human communication is visual in a conversation. You have to be able to see their face and body language to see what is really going on.
 
#36 ·
Do some semblance of the 180 - this will help you detach. She clearly wants a separation. Give it to her. Stop the phone calls, check ins and minimize your texts. Remember that women and men communicate differently. She's not going to decide to talk and come to the table with a plan to fix or a contract of renewal. Actions are more important, and from what you've divulged of her actions, it appears she's leaving and not returning.

Set boundaries - not ultimatums. Ultimatums force someone to do your will and they come from a position of weakness. She has choices and so do you. Exercise your choices. If you don't like limbo, take steps not to be in limbo. Stop waiting for her to run this thing.

Dedicate your time to yourself. The only thing you have control over is you. Invest good stuff into you - whatever capacity you have.
 
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