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Seperated, starting divorce, wife dating

35K views 206 replies 33 participants last post by  Rualst 
#1 ·
So a month ago, me and my wife started our seperation. We agreed on terms of kids/money/bills. Once I left, she completely alienated me. Disn't want me anywhere the house unless she said so. As I left I knew a friend of hers was texting her cute lovey dovey stuff, which I acted like I didn't mind (180). Now I learn that he is one of the 2 guys who is helping her finish the 2 br basement which I started, and she will rent out one room to him. Says he's just a friend, but I know he has slept there, supposedly on a spare mattress in the living room, as per my kids. She was friendly with this guy, and talks texts alot now I think. I found a pic on the kids ipad of them at a rodeo, with another woman friend of hers. The two of then were posing sort of like a couple would (almost cheek to cheek). I understand that maybe he is just a friend, but it feels like she knew she wanted him while I was still in the house, we knew we werent working out. Quickly after I left i told her I dont want to stay away, i love you, blah,blah. She blocked me out of her life to move on with this guy. I mentioned MC, but no way in her mind. She also doesn't seem worried about money too much, when she is hardly working. She just for a new cell, and been shopping for a used car. I have 2 kids every weekend right now, one chikd is special needs, from her previous marriage, but I have been daddy to him since he was a baby and dont want to mess him up by only taking my son. His dad is not really in the picture. Just found the pic her and him and going nuts. Don't want to start a problem with her, but I want to let her know that i'm onto her. Wasn't right, her getting chummy with this guy while I'm still in the house. Having anxiety attacks, scared. Dr gave me something that helps somewhat, and I go to therapy once a week. I know it's over, but feel stepped on, like garbage. Did the 180, totally dont think it will work- she's stone cold w me, and if this guy is more than a friend, he's a good looking, nice guy, from what I hear. She seems happy with her new life, so quickly.
 
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#2 ·
Rualst

You are not going to like my advice.

If you did not adopt her son then do not take him for the weekends.

Focus solely on you and your son.

Did you ever stop to think your wife just used you to be a Daddy and pay her bills when the childs first father stepped out of her life.

If the marriage is over then so be it.

But show your STBXW consequences for her decisions.

Get tough. And focus on your future and your sons future.

Leave your STBX with her son and BF.

They deserve each other.

HM
 
#5 ·
I'm sorry you're here. As has been said, don't give up on The 180. It is for you, not to try to get her back.

My STBXH was stone cold to me in the early days after DDay and after he moved out basically so he could start his new life with the OW, but I kept it up anyway to keep myself sane. And it probably saved me.

It's good you've seen a doctor about your anxiety and are getting regular counseling. Hopefully that counselor is helping you find ways to focus on you and your sons. How old are they, by the way?

And how is it you had to move out of the family home when she is the one who is clearly cheating? In any event, given all that she's doing and has apparently done, I'd start working with a lawyer if you haven't already on a divorce.

Again, I'm sorry you're here. It's been the worst thing I've ever been through, but I'm still here to tell you it will get better. I promise it will. Just take good and gentle care of yourself and your sons, honey.
 
#7 ·
Good for you for being a stand up father to both boys. You have certainly earned my respect.

I knew a woman in a similar position. She raised not only her child but the child her husband had brought into the marriage and then abandoned. I don't know where that little boy would have ended up without his stepmother's love and commitment.

You are surely an angel in his life, OP.
 
#8 ·
My son is 11, my step son is 14. This guy may really just be a friend, and I'm not just saying that because it's what I want to hear. I don't want to start bugging her about it right now, she's playing nice as far as the divorce is going. We're using the same lawyer for a property settelment agreement, then a couple hours with a mediator, she's gonna waive alimony, then one of us files for the D. She wants it quick and easy. If I tell her I'm only taking my son, then that will ruin her weekends - and she may decide to go after blood in court, and she has income that is hard to prove. I may get screwed and dont make alot of money. Maybe after D, i will only take my son. Right now, I am trying to just deal with the shock. i'm numb. Depressed. But wont show it around her.
 
#21 ·
I'm not going to say using a shared lawyer is a bad idea, but I would say it's near insane. Get a separate lawyer. File. 50/50 settlement and no less than 50/50 time with your son. If there isn't any custody agreement or court filed separation agreement with the court I'd be back in the house living in the finished basement until it's settled.

Basically, if there's no orders then you still have full access, custody and rights to your child and property. Exercise it. As the saying goes, use it or lose it.

Carry a VAR always to avoid a he said-she said when the cops are called for a bogus domestic violence charge.
 
#12 ·
I am sorry you are having to deal with this and it is so hard right now. The earlier posters are right, it will get better, but it will still be hard and you will have very bad days and feel like you are jumping out of your skin. Stay on your medicine, but be sure to do other healthy things for yourself as well.

May I ask how long you have been married? And how long has the stepson been in your life? I admire, as most would, that you are keeping him with you with your other son. This will help him maintain some sense of family, which he most likely needs. You do need to take care of yourself, but part of that will be standing up for your family as well, with both children (assuming you have had him for many years). If you choose to fight over weekends with your spouse, he may resent you and that will be even more difficult. Just my two cents.

I have only been separated 2 months so know what you are feeling. The 180 is a good thing, I promise. I do not stick to it all of the time and can't do all of it yet, but working toward that. When I do not hear from him or reach out to him, I feel more at peace. That said, there are parts of some days that I want to just text to say something and hear something from him. But we do that, we put ourself right back into the place you are right now, spinning and scared. She clearly is separating herself physically and emotionally. Let her do that. You need that as well, even if it doesn't feel that way. As someone once told me, we are allowing this person to control our emotions. Stand up for yourself and know that you will be stronger for it. You sound like a good man and do not deserve what you are being handed.

Stay with the 180 as much as possible (be strong - it is very hard) and take care of your family and you....Move forward with your D and remember that it is not final until it is final...and even then nothing is ever final. You will know before that if this is the best for you.
 
#13 ·
The day before I left, and saw the lovey dovey text, i was just hoping that since the guy is friends with all of her friends, that maybe he was gay, or just being nice incase my wife was having a hard time as well. She goes out alot at night, he hangs out where she goes with her friends. Just a good friend that she let get too close as she saw us coming to an end. Then he says all the right words, and he's in. Tonight, i usually drop the kids off around dinner time. She just called asking me to wait till 10 if its ok. Doing something with a girlfriend, and possibly the guy. I have to go anyway to get my work van that I left there friday, should i ask ?'s, mention it at all about this guy. Not worried about her getting pissed, because i'm sure its over anyway-but i would feel better letting her know that i know. So i dont feel like the sucker. At the same time, she seems to not want to go after blood in court, i dont want to make her pissed and change her mind about that.
 
#15 ·
...should i ask ?'s, mention it at all about this guy. Not worried about her getting pissed, because i'm sure its over anyway-but i would feel better letting her know that i know. So i dont feel like the sucker. ....
Your gut is telling you what her relationship is with this new guy. Listen to it.

I do not recommend asking her about this guy to let her know that you know what we all know. You already know the answer. I understand this relationship bothers you, but she's not going to care. She might even take a bit of glee to show you that you've been replaced.

If you insist on asking about the guy, I'd keep it relative to your son and that new guy isn't daddy.

Don't live in fear of her.
 
#16 ·
I think I will just keep quiet. Play it cool. Its very tempting to let her know that I know what shes been planning, probably since before we seperated. She's gonna do whatever she wants to anyway. All that the kids tell me is that he is her friend, he's a nice guy, they don't see anything, he works in the basement... I'm sure that for now, she isn't letting then know anything.
 
#17 ·
Take care of your two boys.
play her games and get out of this marraige as best you can.

you will never win your wife back as long as there is a third party infecting the marraige, so stop trying.

It's time to worry about your self, play the player to get out of this marriage with out getting to screwed over and for now ...it's time you startlooking for a new step mom for your boys.

Seriously you can't compete with new love your old lady has so go out and find your new love.

Fake it until you make it so smile wish her the best and go find a women that wants to be with you!


If you don't mind being plan B you can wait this shyt out for a year or more and when she breaks up with her new boyfriend she will come crawling back.....but at the end of the day your old lady will continue to pull this crap time and again.....

So what exactly are you trying to save.....win yhis women over again so she can do this to you again when your oldest turns 18.....

From were I'm sitting your old lady is doing you a favor. Do you really want to go through this crap again with her in another 10 years with some other POS guy?
 
#18 ·
What pisses me off is your old lady can't even interact with you as a parent for the kids!

IDK but if you were being a wimpy pest ...I hope you *now* see it doesn't work...chicks dig confident guys, not cry babies.

Please tell me you didn't cry in front of your cheating wife....do what the rest of us do and cry alone in the garage.
 
#19 ·
No, didnt cry. And when i put all the pieces together and realized she had someone, i was long out of the house and knew divorce was coming. So what good would it do anyway. Havent said anything to her about what she's doing. I totally respect her privacy to keep her happy, till divorce is over.
 
#22 ·
Family friend lawyer did us up a quick and easy agreement. Gonna get it over with quick. I'm happy with agreement. I did mention the other guy, and she seemed offended. She said "geeze, what am I, a ****". Than she said, "look, i know what all guys want, but I'm not ready for a relationship like that. However, i think she was prepared for this seperation earlier than me, and seems to be fine, no emotions. I take both kids on the weekends, so she os free all weekend. Says she wants to work weekends, cause kids are home all week, but she hasn't gotteb one yet, says she needs to stay home, help with basement, or just be there to watch whats going in. Found out, the other guy isnt going to be renting a room, just helping the other guy doing work. Usually, her best friend (girl) is there as well. But i feel like a sucker, watching my step son as well so she can have the whole weekends to go out at night, probably enjoying a honeymoon, laughing at me. May just be parinoid though. Wonder if I should tell her "only my son on the weekends. But then she cant work. As days go on, I realize my step son doesnt care where he is, and just sits with his face in an ipad. Sometimes he says he wants to go home. Or am I being selfish, just to screw up her weekends? I am stil not taking it well, but better. Alot of regret when I know this guy is probably sweeping her off her feet. If I knew for sure, i would tell her right away- keep your son. She was really upset when I didn't believe that he was just a really good friend of her and her group of friends.
 
#24 ·
I dont want to use my step son to mess with her, but he's almost 15, and she treats me like ****, while relying on me so she can work weekends. Now, when she says 'work', i think she means - run around with her boyfriend all weekend, who's supporting her. If i am nothing to her, i feel like they are just having fun, laughing at me. Yes I care about my step son. But lets be real, he's special needs and getting older, and has said himself that he wants to go home sometimes. If she has a man in her life, and i'm garbage to her - than this guy should be his new step dad, not keep relying on me forever? Eventually, i'm gonna get over her, and have my own life.... i feel like she's playing me like a puppet because she knows I'm a nice guy. I think my meds are giving me crazy paranoid thoughts different times of the day. Right now I feel bad about all this, but earlier I was pissed about never having a free weekend while she's free everyweekend with this guy. Were not even divorced yet?
 
#25 ·
Well then set up a regular schedule with her and tell her that you're not going to be available every weekend. She'll have to work that out, you don't owe her every weekend child care.

As for her personal life that's really none of your business. Look, you agreed it wasn't working and moved out, then changed your mind. That doesn't obligate her to try again, so I fail to see how she treats you like you're garbage. You said yourself that she's been very reasonable with the settlement.

You don't get to punish her for not wanting to try again. And if you're in the process of divorcing what she does is not your concern. It would probably be better if she waited but she doesn't owe you an explanation, even if she is involved with someone, and you don't even know that she is.

Can you elaborate further on why things weren't working? Or did I miss that?
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#26 ·
I hope your smart to make sure that child support is only for the son you had with her...you did no adopt your step son so you are not obligated to pay right? I'm story buddy but you have been played from the beginning.....she had it all set up....the biggest mistake you made was leaving your home....please tell me that you will sell the house.
 
#27 ·
She was very stressed about her son and the school districts not giving her son what he needs. Also my son is adhd and she's fighting for him as well, which is great. But she lets it stress her out so much, and when I get home from work, the mood in the house was always negative. I would give her a kiss hello, and it would get ignored. Then later she would say I'm not affectionate enough?? i was stressed from work as well, so thats what made it tense in the house. We both had problems. she was always jelouse, insecure, and always had me convinced that I was the reason for everything wrong in her life. My hobbies were stupid, job sucked, house was crap. She would have me convinced that I was nothing. She's a 'professional victim'.

The decision for me to leave came at a split second after a quick arguement, but the next day, she alienates me, like I'm a stranger, and says DIVORCE! The next day, this other guy is texting her kissy photos, so this was planned in my mind. Its been 3 weeks, and besides hanging around him while he works in the basement, they have been at the bar together for some drinks, gone on other day trips taking cute photos together. God knows where else. Sometimes her other lady friend comes along, who is probably encouraging it, he's a good looking guy and friends with all of them. I'm just a bad memory to her. Shes not stressed on the weekends now with me taking the kids, so showing him a whole different side of her, and he's hit the jackpot. I was 18 when I met her, she was 25. And latina so I was in love instantly. Dated 2 yrs before married. Just latched on to her I guess, but together 14 yrs is alot, she's all I know, maybe thats my problem..
 
#28 ·
Did not adopt step son, only paying for mine. As for our house, if we sold it today, we would be lucky to break even. She agreed that if I give her the house, she will waive alimony, give me the car, and its in the settlement that if she misses payments, I can take control of house. Just giving her the house doesn't take me off the mortgage, so I worried about that.
 
#29 ·
Well why would you want her back? Doesn't sound like it was a very good marriage for you.

She may have already detached when you had that argument. It's common for one spouse to be farther along in the detachment process.

It is hard to leave when it's all you know. Your moving out suggests to me that you were either more detached than you realize or it was a power play and your bluff got called. But you panicked because like you said it's all you know. Understandable.

But there's likely a much better match for you out there. Just make sure you reflect on what you can do differently to be a better partner so you'll have a higher chance of success next time.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#30 ·
I did have my problems, like I worked too much, but I was always worried about money, and making then feel secure. I worry too much about what people think of me. I guess I assumed she wasn't happy with me and that made me less affectionate. But also, she was grumpy alot and very demanding. I wasn't completely miserable, but I wasn't happy. I was just existing - comfortable, and regret not being more affectionate. But we seperated before once, however I stayed in the house that time, just on the couch. I went nuts then to, and we did get back together after a month. She knew I went out for a drink with a woman, after she had me convinced it would be a divorce. That, and fear at the time about the kids, i guess made her come back with me. Maybe I'm just obsessed, and used to her. And the thought of someone else making her happy hurts. I tell myself, that could be you, if you tried harder. If thats it, and I really don't love her, I should get over this quicker, right? I may just have selective memory, and not remember the bad times that made me want to leave.
 
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