My wife and I have been together for almost 9 years. 5years dating and 3 1/2 married. We got married I thought because we were in love. So how I ended up here. On June 4 of this year my father passed. We decided to move back in with my mother so we could help her. After we got moved back in my mother decided her health was poor and she went to live with her brother for a while. After two weeks after I got home from work on Fathers day she was sitting on the couch with a concerned look. She said she had something to tell me. So I told her to fire away. Well, she said that she's not sure if we can be together anymore and that she thinks that there is a better person out there for me. I asked her why and then she went into detail how she felt like she has no value, no possessions, and she feels like hes half way in and half way out of our marriage. I was floored. We have had problems before. Most of them were caused by me. I had a porn addiction that really bothered her. It took a lot of fighting for me to stop but by the time I did she said that it doesn't bother her anymore. She said that she feels like I have never shown her any affection or romance in the 9 years together. Romance has also been a problem for us too. I never knew how to romance a woman. I thought if I was a good husband and father then everything would be ok. I know I helped put us here. But she also told me she has been chatting online with people and she is torn by the fact she has emotional connections with strangers rather than me. I told her I am not going to keep doing the things that bother her. I have also told her I can learn to show her my true passion for her. These are all things she has heard before and understandably she doesn't believe me. She also feels like there are things she missing by being married. Like opportunity to go live life. We are both hurting right now and have no idea if we will get back together or not. She's afraid that my changes will only be temporary and that after 6 months I'll go back to leaving her emotionally empty. I have gotten a marriage counselor for us and today is the first session. I know it's going to be tough but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to lose the mother of my child. I really love her and it kills me that she doesn't feel that love anymore. So what do I do now? I've been reading on this forum for a week and I see a lot of people mention the 180. Is that something I need to do? She's willing to try to work things out but said that they might not work. She's also been staying with her best friend the past couple of nights so she can have her space. I try not to contact her while she is out doing whatever. That is really hard. I want to write until my fingers bleed of how much I love her but I know it won't make a difference, will it? I am going to continue reading and posting here so I have some kind of outlet. Thanks for this forum.
Yes, do the 180.
It's great that you are going to MC.
It sounds like she may be having an affair.
Don't push too hard for her or you could lose her.
When someone wants out, the worst thing you can do is try to pin them down against their will.
You need to listen to her and validate her and empathize with her at MC today. Acknowledge where you know you have done wrong and tell her you are very willing to fix it.
Thank you Jellybeans! It hurts so damn much that I just want to cry and I am. I just need a little encouragement and guidance as I head down this dark rough road. Thank you!
The thing here is you have a history of making promises to her and not following through. So she is used to that. You need to make her see you are committed to breaking the pattern and owning your behaviors.
What if then she wants to come home for a evening? Do I deny her or let her come over? I know I would love for her to come over but I don't think it will help any.
Wow your story sounds so much like mine did about 2 years ago... I wish I knew then what I know now, the big thing for me would really have been to man up, take charge of my life put up my boundaries and be the kind of man my W wanted to stand behind. They (married women) say they want to loving devoted husband and responsible man who does the providing, but in reality they want a man to just take charge of things - and IMO if you get bogged down with the day to day stuff, like I did, you just burn out.
Make time for yourself, make her accounantable for her responsibilities in the relationship (for me this is a big failure on my part I just gave her all the freedom in the world, and she thought she'd be able to "live life" better, still does now she's left me but economic reality of it hasn't quite hit her yet), find your strengths again and stick with them, don't be a doormat and realize that at some unconscious level this is a game. My wife was telling me she needed me to fulfill more of her needs (more romance, more planning, more disciplining of the child, more cleaning around the house). I realize now that I already was doing all that and burning out from it, it was her that was not doing her part and successfully shifting the blame because I let her, when after counselling I found some motivation and tried even harder she just gave up and said it wasn't me, she just is not into sexual activity, she started to look to a sexual abuse issue she possibly faced as a child (I say that because at this point I'm not really sure if I believe there really was any or if it was something her mind convinced her of).
Man up bro before she seeks a full fledged affair to either validate her sexual desires or else just to exit the relationship. Part of manning up means willing to let her go if she doesn't respect your boundaries, but note that it will take some time for you to build confidence. Whatever you do, if you go to IC or MC make sure you do not find a touchy feely counselor that wants you to find ways to do more or be better at doing her bidding, make sure you get one that understands the basic primitive role of men and women in a relationship... navigating this will be difficult but if you both want a wonderful marriage then you will both have to let go of some stubborn ideas and you in particular have your work cut out - if I could give you an ounce of the pain my W's infidelity caused as a motivator I would, I guarantee you it would shock you back to life.
Whatever you do Wanna, don't beg and grovel in front of her. You are at this stage now. MC is great. Yes, let her come over for dinner. On the other side, for yourself, start doing the 180. Show by example that you will change. Either way it goes, it will be good for you and will make you a better partner in the future whether it's with her or someone else. I know my comment about "someone else" doesn't make you feel better about your situation, but as JB said, "the ball is in her court." And if she is having an EA online, her mind is closed off to you anyway. So do for yourself so that she can see the changes and become attracted to you again - if she can get past the resentment - mine couldn't and is walking out on me! But that is OK because I feel like I have learned a great deal from my experience. Hang in there.
@TS - Don't you just hate it when things happen without a warning? I've in a similar state you are in now, less the affection and porn, but regardless of what the reason is, we have neglected our wife, lets accept that fact. Its hard for men to see that we have made a mistake, that we have FAILED. But with that acceptance, comes humility to change...
The only thing we can do now is to make sure she sees the concrete and consistent change in you. You are luckier than me since she told you what was missing, at least you have a headstart on what you need to change, unlike me, I was left cold and wondering what the heck happened.
She sees that she is able to get what she needs from you elsewhere (Emotional connection with strangers).
I think that the 180 isn't applicable to you now. What you need to focus on is HER. Show her that you are capable of loving. But that will only happen if you can guarantee yourself that you CAN and WANT to change.
Instead of focusing on the 180, I would suggest you rent/buy the Fireproof movie. This should hit the spot. Best to do the Love Dare too. She isn't angry at you or anything, which is a good thing (I wish I had that). Heal yourself... Pray... Change... and win her back.
A friend who was separated and reconciled once told me... Focus on your 3 M's (Master... Mission... Mate)
Fix your relationship with your Master, then he will direct you to accomplishing your Mission (Work, Kid) then sure enough He will fix your relationship with your Mate...
Good luck buddy! Cheers to all of us who are steadfast in wanting to win back our "lost" wives...
Feel free to read my thread on the Reconciliation Stories thread...
@TS - Don't you just hate it when things happen without a warning? I've in a similar state you are in now, less the affection and porn, but regardless of what the reason is, we have neglected our wife, lets accept that fact. Its hard for men to see that we have made a mistake, that we have FAILED. But with that acceptance, comes humility to change...
The only thing we can do now is to make sure she sees the concrete and consistent change in you. You are luckier than me since she told you what was missing, at least you have a headstart on what you need to change, unlike me, I was left cold and wondering what the heck happened.
She sees that she is able to get what she needs from you elsewhere (Emotional connection with strangers).
I think that the 180 isn't applicable to you now. What you need to focus on is HER. Show her that you are capable of loving. But that will only happen if you can guarantee yourself that you CAN and WANT to change.
Instead of focusing on the 180, I would suggest you rent/buy the Fireproof movie. This should hit the spot. Best to do the Love Dare too. She isn't angry at you or anything, which is a good thing (I wish I had that). Heal yourself... Pray... Change... and win her back.
A friend who was separated and reconciled once told me... Focus on your 3 M's (Master... Mission... Mate)
Fix your relationship with your Master, then he will direct you to accomplishing your Mission (Work, Kid) then sure enough He will fix your relationship with your Mate...
Good luck buddy! Cheers to all of us who are steadfast in wanting to win back our "lost" wives...
Feel free to read my thread on the Reconciliation Stories thread...
You can try this but you need to make sure she hasn't COMPLETELY checked out of your relationship. If she is long gone and showing apathy, either she won't even notice your changes, OR, she will certainly notice your changes and be even more pissed off because you didn't do them sooner when she asked you, or she just won't care.
On the other hand, if you feel like she is waffling in her emotion to leave the marriage than, the Love Dare might work.
You can try this but you need to make sure she hasn't COMPLETELY checked out of your relationship. If she is long gone and showing apathy, either she won't even notice your changes, OR, she will certainly notice your changes and be even more pissed off because you didn't do them sooner when she asked you, or she just won't care.
On the other hand, if you feel like she is waffling in her emotion to leave the marriage than, the Love Dare might work.
Well we went to MC yesterday. I don't think that this is the right one. He was focused on me making things better. While we were there I found out that my wife wants to be able to support herself and buy things like a car. After the session she said the way she feels is that one person cannot give her all she wants. She thinks she needs to be able to love whom ever whe wants and that she doesn't want to have to worry about the family anymore. She thinks that living together and doing thing s separately will help he figure out what she wants. I told her that I know if she gave me the chance she would see that I am changing and I won't stop changing for the better. I am going to find a new councilor who thinks of her as a person beyond a wife. I don't know if living together is really going to work. I am more convinced she needs to move out and get her s**t straight. That way she doesn't get to see me but only for our child. What do you guys think? Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks for the update WMIB, man you are in a tough spot... just keep doing the very best you can for you, she needs to see you in a different light fast because the longer she finds you unnatractive the sooner she will start making new connections - to me based on my failed relationship, I saw how primal my wife acted through this especially as soon as she let someone in and went into the fog... Do everything you can to keep her out of the fog, which is hard because you are also trying to give her space. Now is not the time to slack, spend the next month straight taking care of business, and then at the end of the month do it again, everything you've wanted to get done find time to get done, eat healthy, workout, fix some things, let her smell your sweat. Lay down some separation ground rules, don't talk about your relationship with her because it will just remind her that it is all bad - talk about yourself and be willing to pay a compliment... You can't afford to appear weak at all (I went soft and sad and it just solidified her choice to walk, even though it was something I needed to do - I wish I'd found a way to not be weak just when she was around). If you can plant seeds to show her the grass is not greener on the other side, do it, just be subtle and discrete. Good luck I hope you come out stronger because of all of this...
After the session she said the way she feels is that one person cannot give her all she wants. She thinks she needs to be able to love whom ever whe wants and that she doesn't want to have to worry about the family anymore. She thinks that living together and doing thing s separately will help he figure out what she wants.
Cool. Cut her loose.
Stop supporting her if she wants to support herself.
If you don't like the MC, get a new one.
Re: separation--you are still fighting her on her decision (when you said "I told her that I know if she gave me the chance she would see that I am changing and I won't stop changing for the better."
Don't fight her on this. It will make it worse. it's considered "chasing."
Cool. Cut her loose.
Stop supporting her if she wants to support herself.
If you don't like the MC, get a new one.
Re: separation--you are still fighting her on her decision (when you said "I told her that I know if she gave me the chance she would see that I am changing and I won't stop changing for the better."
Don't fight her on this. It will make it worse. it's considered "chasing."
Ok. I am not talking to her about my work on myself. I have contacted another councilor who I hope will be less of a womanizer. I mean how could I take the prior councilor seriously when he made us feel like that my wife should be satisfied as a housewife only. When she said she was looking for a job he told her, " Good luck" in a demeaning tone. Well we can't always find what we need on the first try now can we? So I have been doing all the house chores that need to get done while shes gone with her friends and I've been doing all the cleaning at our house that we need to put up for sale. I have never been so stressed on so many levels. Between not working enough, going flat broke, and having to take care of our house I am mentally spent. I haven't asked for her help at all yet she insists that she will help me if I need it. I need the help but won't ask her for it. She is staying with me because I won't put her on the streets, she's still the mother of my beautiful child after all. Our son has been missing his mom and his cycle is all screwed up. He's used to seeing his mom everyday when he wakes up and goes to sleep and in the past week he's lucky if she's here for either. Should I contact her if our son is missing mom a lot? I dont want to because it makes me look like I can't handle him but I don't want our son to be upset either. I have been running everyday to relieve some stress. Some days it works better than others. I wish I could go out and have a drink but we have no babysitter and my mom has been acting weird ever since dad passed this month. So basically I have noone to watch him if I want to go out. But if she wants to go out I already have our son so she doesn't have to ask anyone to watch him. Should I have her watch our son when I go out? What when she says he cannot be watched where she is staying? When she is home should I fulfill her physical desires? Such as sex and bed time cuddling? I have been sleeping on my recliner whenever she stays over which is every other day or so. Do I need to tell her its either in or out of the house or just let her come and go as she pleases? Thank you everyone for sharing your experience. Posted via Mobile Device
What do I do? 
Re: What do I do? 
