Having a bad day

kristen11 · 06-29-2011, 07:52 PM

I'm having a bad day today and need to let it all out. If you haven't read any of my previous posts, I'm pregnant (Due Aug 13th) and my stbxh filed for divorce a month ago. I was doing so well with the 180 until I began washing the baby bottles and putting them away and organizing her clothes. I completely broke down. I partially fell of the 180-wagon on Friday when my Mom was admitted to the hospital and she told me she would not be there for my baby shower on Saturday (she didn't want me to cancel last second since so many people changed their plans to be there) and I called my ex to let him know. I caved and told him that this pregnancy has been so unfair to me knowing he was the biggest part of the unfairness. Back to today while washing baby bottles. I'm still holding onto the hope things will work between him and I. Stupid I know, but I can't help it. The way he looks at me when he stops by the house (because he has to mow our huge lawn because I can't) is the way he use to look at me before all the troubles started. We also went to dinner a couple times last week, he asked and I caved, and he told me not to let my mom know "things are working". I called him out on that comment today. I told him he keeps flip flopping his emotions, one second it seems like things could work then then next they won't. He tells me he knows that this isn't easy for me and he still calls because he wants to know how the baby is doing. I know I shouldn't answer and I told him that. I'm just happy to hear his voice even though I'm dying inside. I also do not believe I can actually move forward and not hold on until after I have the baby but I am tired of how I feel and want to move on now. It will be difficult to move on now because I still live in our house while he stays at a friends. It's difficult because I told him he needs to stay here at night (in another room) starting a couple weeks before the baby is born just in case I go into labor at night, and he needs to stay for a few weeks after the baby is born. I need to find my strength again.

Sparkles422 · 06-29-2011, 08:34 PM

kristen: my heart goes out to you and I wish I had the magic words to end your trouble but I don't.

You are shouldering huge burdens while going through huge life changes. Don't beat yourself up about backtracking on the 180. Do what you think is necessary at this point to keep yourself comfortable and your thinking in the right place.

Do you have family other than your Mom? Do you have a support group? Can you count on your spouse and can you handle him back in the house? It will continue to revive that hope which is very very difficult

I will keep reading your threads. I hope all will become easier and happier in time and that you live the life you are supposed to.

kristen11 · 06-29-2011, 08:44 PM

I have family other than my mom and they have been wonderful. They are in just as much shock as I am with him leaving, they and his family thought everything was fine. For the most part I have been doing alright and my family tells me all the time how proud they are with how I'm handling this because they don't know anyone else to would be able to handle the situation with as much poise as I have. I can count on my spouse because he has always taken care of me and he is involved with everything that surrounds the baby. I hope I can handle him being back in the house. I only want him back in the house around the time we have the baby because I don't want to be alone at night if I go into labor (it'll be easier for him to take me than to wake up family) and for him to transition into fatherhood. Even though we are not together, we agree our number one priority is our baby and we have to try to put our feelings aside to make sure she is well taken care of.

caughtdreaming · 07-01-2011, 05:51 PM

Kristen, may I just say - you are a trooper.
my heart goes out to you.
Im in same place with stbx "I dont love you anymore"
Like you there is no reasoning and no one can believe it my family, his family, his friends, everyone in the community.
It is unbelievable.

But unlike you, I do not have a blessed gift on the way!
How are you doing? How is everything going with you?

kristen11 · 07-01-2011, 08:16 PM

I'm doing okay. I have my days where I wondering how I'm going to make it but then I feel my baby flutter and realize I can do it. The real test will be is when I'm actually on my own and he doesn't have to come to the house except to pick-up or bring home the baby.

Sparkles422 · 07-01-2011, 08:46 PM

kristen: You will be so enchanted by your child, you will barely notice.
I loved when my daughter was young, it was such a magical time.

I pray and hope you have that magic too! I know you will and how nice to be told you are handling this with poise, such a great word.

Well done!

StartingAgain · 07-01-2011, 09:26 PM

Try not to forget your little passenger is really messing with your body emotionally, so everything you're feeling is amplified. Give yourself a huge pat on the back, give yourself the acknowledgement you deserve for being a strong woman who is keen on doing what's best for you baby.

Pamper yourself if you can.

skmix · 07-01-2011, 09:30 PM

I know how you feel, I'm due early October. H hasn't been around at all, well not in the last 31/2 months (we now live 3hours apart) it's very hard to do it alone. Even wi the support from family. I too feel I won't be able to be completely over it until after he is born. I want things to work out so bad, I'm holding out hope to. I hope everything works out for you.
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kristen11 · 07-02-2011, 06:41 AM

skmix I hope things work for you too. Family have been great.

staircase · 07-02-2011, 08:21 AM

I am so sorry you are going through that. I was alone when I was pregnant (long story) and it's hard. I think keeping civil with stbx is not a bad idea-sounds like he cares quite a bit (obviously not enough, I know). This is probably coming from a very personal place since I craved any attention at all from my son's father. I think he called me once in 9 months.

DelinquentGurl · 07-02-2011, 10:33 AM

Don't beat yourself up over the 180, we are still human and we do still get caught up in the emotions of everything. It's perfectly normal.

It blows my mind how some men can walk away from their women when they are pregnant. That is the most cowardly thing one could ever do.
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