My wife and I have been separated for four-months now. Over this time, she has had limited contact with me through sporadic emails. She won't meet me and won't talk on the phone. She graduated with her degree last May and went to her parents home. While she was there, I sent her flowers as a present.
However, two months ago, she had come back home (when I was at work) to pick up a few things. She actually left much of her stuff here. When she had come, she noticed that I had taken all pictures of us down because they were too painful for me to look at. After receiving the flowers, she emailed me and told me that she was confused by my actions because when she came and saw the pictures down, she thought that I was removing her from my life and the gesture to send the flowers seemed contradictory in nature. She failed to note the fact that at two different times, I had emailed her asking for communication and telling her that we should work things out.
After her last email, I told her that I was sorry she felt hurt but my intention was never to hurt her or remove her from my life. I explained that the reason I took them down is because they were hard to look at. I also let her know that virtual silence for four-months has been her idea and that we need communication.
The mixed signals that I am getting are killing me. On one hand, she won't talk to me, even on the phone and it makes me think that she doesn't want this marriage anymore but on the other hand, she emails me and explicitly says that she was hurt when the pics were down and that the flowers really "lifted her heart". She also said that when she came to pick things up, it was only to grab some clothes and not to remove herself from my life.
I just don't know what to think...I don't know if she really just does want a break or she is angling towards ending things. HELP!!!!
My friend this is a difficult situation I am sure. I understand your feelings as there is not a clear set of expectations from your separation. It appears on one hand she wants to be apart. On the other hand, she appears to want to hold on to the marriage. Marriage is VERY VERY difficult. Anyone who feels otherwise hasn't been married or just has a care free marriage. The two of you have to sit down with a counselor and figure out what it is the two of you need to do.
She needs to communicate her true intentions as well. There can be no wish wash during a separation as it affects many. You taking the photos down was nothing more than an effort to start healing. I understand that too. It's like my wife screaming she wants to separate or divorce; yet wearing her rings and being brought to tears when I mentioned I'd had a sep agreement.
I could be wrong but there appears to be some sort of control issue and a lot of uncertainty. I don't know what your faith is, but I would suggest communication to your higher authority. Seriously. Sometimes man can give you a great answer but HE can give you a dynamic and sound one. Prayerfully, this too shall pass and the two of you will work it out. Be well my friend....
1906...Thank you very much for your response. This may come as no surprise to you but it really made me feel better. Although I am sure that our religious beliefs may be somewhat different, I also know that the both of us are answerable to God and ask for clarification through him as well.
You are correct, my taking the pictures down was a way for me to heal and I think it caught her off-guard because in a way, I can understand why she would think that it was to help me move on. Although it was painful to look at them, I can truthfully say that it was also somewhat liberating. There does seem to be a control issue on her end. She felt that she was never a part of the decision-making process in our marriage but that was not because of me wanting to control the situation. We would both discuss major decisions but she would leave it up to me, due to my having more "real-world experience". I just hope that it isn't too late to show her that I want her back. However, I don't want to ask her too much as she may see it as a way of gaining control. She wants to feel as though she has control of herself but I don't know how to let her feel that it is ok to come back.
I have seen the same situation as yours many times in these forums. The reason she doesn't contact you is her guilt. Guilt of another who knows but that is why she is doing it. I can personally say that is the conclusion my ex was avoiding me. I thought the separation was temporary like most people in here but it is never temporary. She doesn't even realize half the things she says to you right now and what you draw from them are from your understanding only. What may seem confusing to you or a step to reconcilliation is just the opposite in most cases. It is time to focus on you and NOT worry about how she reacts or what she is doing in her time. The less you focus on her the more you can focus on yourself..I have been divorced since February and separated for 16 months but I still have a hard time accepting the fact of that.
MyTwoGirls, thank you for your post. I can understand the guilt. After she left, she told some very heinous lies about me to family and friends. She has not owned up to her lies but the two of us know that what she said was untrue. If there is another, then why not just end things? I have heard from other sources, that she is extremely confused as to what she wants to do. I am guessing that she is afraid to come home because she will have to face me and the lies she told about me.
nuk: I was and am getting the mixed messages as well. My stbxh told me that he had stopped loving me for the last 18 months back in March 2011. However, he bought jewelry (very nice pieces), two custom chairs (in December 2010) and built a greehouse for me in Feb this year.
When we had a small talk before he went away again for 2 wks, I asked him how to reconcile his words with his actions. He told me he didn't know. When I happened to look at his eyes, I saw pain as great as mine.
I don't know or understand why someone would flip out when they had EDysfunction. To me, that is not proof of manliness but to him it evidently devastated him and this is the outcome.
I know I didn't want it to end but I had no choice, he kept running away, never gave time to talk/communicate, carried on an EA from FB (didn't turn out) and regressed to a 1950's look.
Thank you Sparkles. It does seem as though she is feeling some pain. After thinking about it, I know that she is the type of person who is not good at facing awkward/conflict laden situations. She may want to come back but her fear of coming into a situation where she may be confronted with her lies is too hard on her. I just hope that she doesn't end things based on that fear as opposed to ending things because she really wants to.
nuk: time to let go. If they wanted to work on the marriage, you would have heard words to that effect. I am certain you, like ,myself, gave opportunities for reconciliation. I told my stbxh outright that I still loved him. But no request on his part to work on marriage.
I didn't lie, but I didn't grovel, beg or cry. I saw his face, the curtains were drawn and he had erected a wall to deny his feelings.
It is no longer about them. It is about you. How you are going to pick up the pieces of your life and become whole and move on. That is what it is about.
Leave her in God's hands (or whatever you call your higher power). Place yourself in trusting your higher power, that the HP knows better and that the HP wants happiness for you. We have to go through the fire to cleanse ourselves of this baggage, then we get to enjoy a whole new life that we have been creating all of this time.
Won't meet and can't talk: She's got someone else and it's not always convenient. Sporadic emails: When it's convenient for her.
Feigns confusion over her mug shots being taken off the walls after she abandoned her marriage 4 months ago. What's confusing is why there's still anything of her's in the house and why you still care what she does or thinks.
Sparkles, I think you may be right. I have to start healing myself; and have to be ready to let her go. Unbelievable, I don't understand why she left things in the house. She has told a few mutual friends and also told me in the email that the reason she didn't take everything was because she didn't want me to think that she was ending things. Initially, she said that she wanted 6 months of separation but in that time, I would think that we would be communicating regularly by now and we aren't. I think that this is enough to tell me that she is through and I need to just cut her off and move on with myself. It hurts but I guess it is what it is.