My Unique story, advice please... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-03-2011, 05:27 PM Thread Starter
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My Unique story, advice please...

I say unique because my story has a twist one that definitely has me confused. I will give you the shortest version I can so I hope that you can bare w me. H and I been together for 20yrs, 4 kids. 2 years ago his Mom passed and my mother 3 wks later. Things went downhill from there. He held his mother after she passed for 3 hrs, and immediately after her funeral he moved into the basement and really began to live his life by sleeping and going to work, around that same time he lost his job, his mentally challenged brother moved in, and financial problems set in. A couple of months after that home foreclosure proceedings began and 3 wks after he sd that he was moving out he cldnt take it anymore. So he moved 2 blocks over. He wld go to work and come straight home w/ me and kids, watch movies w me and then go back to his place when it was time for him to sleep. This went on for everyday for 5 months.
We met w a Pastor which went horrible, the Pastor sd that people don't have to be together and that he is a new aged Pastor who believes that you should find your own happiness and that our kids will be fine if we divorce and divorce only stings like "pulling off a bandaid and then you heal" For the first time my husband did open up and told me things that had been bothering him for over 12 years, but we did not address his possible depression and I left the session angry. Now during all of this seperation I have not done ANY calling, he calls at least 3 times a day and wld call all of the kids phones asking what I was doing. I was so confused because, he is the one who left and said that he didn't want to work on the relationship "right now" in his words, after that he was calling me so much I wouldn't answer my phone and I told him it hurt too much to be around him because I wanted to be w/ him in everyway, he said that he wanted the same things but wanted time to see if the anger he was feeling wld change and that he still loved me very much. I stopped sleeping w/ him 2 months ago.

Well we had to be out of our house last month and I have been so angry, he asked me to go to the movies w him and the kids a couple of times and I declined, but I did go to the circus w him & kids and in that moment we had a great time and I left feeling so sad,mad, sick I didn't want to do it anymore. I moved me and kids in my place that weekend turned off all phones (cldnt afford them) and then he started coming over every day or every other day, but I didnt let him in, he just visits w kids in the yard and takes them every weekend. He makes excuses to stop by like to bring us trash bags, to pick up a fan, looking for a lamp, to give me money every couple of days. To me I feel like he's chasing me sometimes, BUT he is the one who sd he didn't want to do this anymore and he feels like he makes me and the kids unhappy. I am a person who does not communicate and shuts down (serious issues) and he says that I have ignored him for years and I am coldhearted, but to the contrary , I see myself as one of the most sensitive people I don't communicate because I hate conflict, if Im angry I will just be quiet for a couple of days until the anger goes away, I get choked up and physically sick (REALLY sick) when there are stressful conversations, so I avoid them.
Now, the advice I need is this, Im going into month 7 and for the past month I have pretty much cut off contact trying to get myself healthier, I dont know how I have made it because I love him so much and miss him terribly but I am angry as well, but I don't show it to him I just act really cool and nonchalant around him, most people at this stage are trying to make their spouse contact them so they are told to go low contact but my H wants to talk about everything, should I take his calls, or make him miss me? If I stay low contact for too long will that work against me since he is trying to stay in contact or is he viewing me as the "best friend right now"? Thanks for reading this much.

Last edited by ohprecious; 07-03-2011 at 05:31 PM.
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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-03-2011, 09:37 PM
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Re: My Unique story, advice please...

Ok, I strongly suggest you read my story in my profile. My wife is sensitive, doesn't communicate at times, and will put on a happy face when she is mad or sad. You need to stop that right now.

I really suggest you get in counseling now if possible. The stuff you had can be fixed. What the "pastor" said was total bs. It doesn't sound like you've found much happiness under the bandaid

Your story isn't too unique. At the core its the same as many many of the stories here.

also, low contact is good because you don't come off as needy or disparate. However, its time for you to talk to him and fix this.
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Last edited by anx; 07-03-2011 at 09:56 PM.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-03-2011, 09:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My Unique story, advice please...

Thanks for posting! After I posted the "unique" title I didn't think that may have come across right because I meant unique only regarding the part that I want him but from the beginning I have acted as though I don't, even when I don't mean to, but it is unique in my mind because I don't even understand what Im doing! I read your story and I bet I can relate to your wife, holds things in, frustrated and confused lots of childhood issues leading me to this place. I will seek another counselor, I had been in counseling with the pastor for 5 months for ic until that day when he spewed that venom. That scared me off from counseling! Thanks again
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-04-2011, 04:53 AM
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Re: My Unique story, advice please...

ohprecious: I can relate to your story. My stbxh is shut down emotionally. In 9 years I have only seen him angry twice. Truly. Me I get angry, I vent and then it goes away. He couldn't understand venting and said I was taking it out on him. I had told him numerous times, "This has nothing to do with you." But for some reason he ignored that.

It is not good to not share your feelings with your spouse. That's part of having a relationship.Sounds lonely too. IC would be great and a good MC. And more importantly, a real talk with your spouse. Be honest in that conversation.
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