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Help to stop drowning feeling please

19K views 192 replies 17 participants last post by  Shinobi 
#1 ·
I wake up in a panic every morning. My day moves on slowly but it moves on. When h calls or texts I get scared. I'm afraid that whatever he is going to say is just going to add to the hurt I'm already going through. I have been implementing the 180 for the past week and not even known it but it hasn't helped with this drowning, can't breath feeling that grabs hold whenever h contacts me or at random times usually in the afternoon and into the evening. I feel like I can't do this, this isn't happening, what if I fail, what if I lose, what if I'm rejected all over again, and it goes down from there.
Took the kids to a farm yesterday with exotic animals and I was happy and the moment I remembered being happy it was snatched from me and I broke down. Walking through the store, I broke down, couldn't get the fear out of my head or heart and couldn't stop crying. What is the deal?!
How can I recognize when it's about to come and stop it before I get pulled so far in I can't function?

I've been married for 14 years, im a student/sahm , two kids 13 & 11. H is having an affair. H says he doesn't love me anymore, that he is done, and wants the divorce that I'm doing all the work for. Was still living with us but moved out supposedly yesterday. We are out of town with family so I can't verify the state of our home yet.
My future doesn't look too bright at this particular moment so that doesn't help. My plans are to move back home to be near my family, try to get my degree and get a good job that will support me and the kids.
When we drove into town I felt like a failure coming home with my tail tucked.
There it goes again, any advice on how to start beating this would be wonderful.
Thank you.
 
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#2 ·
Cry if you need to. It does help.

Do you have friends and/or family? Call them. Tell them you are not feeling well and that you need someone to talk.

See a therapist, tell him/her what bothers you.

I am going through a separation with my wife right now, and I feel the worst during the evening, and a bit during the afternoon as well.

Cry and try to get in touch with people who love you and appreciate you.

I am sorry you are going through this.
 
#3 ·
Honeysuckle, you are not alone, in either your thought, feelings or situation. I know all too well how you are feeling the tightness in the chest the struggle to hold it in, and yes the fear of the sound of the phone going, a text dinging, what next what now, I can't read it, what if it worsens how I feel, can't deal with it.

As for feeling a failure, I'm sure you are not, not in yourself anyway, you say you want to finish your degree, that's not a failure, that's a positive, and it could lead to you being able to do and support for yourself and a brighter future.

Easy for people to say, and funny thing is I'm saying this to you and feeling entirely different having just posted my own situation, and not being able to see my way through, but hope this helps for you.
 
#4 ·
I go to my councilor on Wednesdays with the kids. That is a long time to build up. Even though my irrational mind is saying I'm the only one this is happening to I know it is not true. I am sorry for all who have been betrayed in the worst way by the ones we love but I am glad in the knowledge that I am not alone after all.
 
#5 ·
Yes. You definitely are not alone. Same thing happened to me in February. Married nearly 25 years, one 13-year-old son. Found out STBXH was having an affair. Said he wasn't in love with me anymore, there was nothing I could do or say to change his mind, counseling was out of the question.

I felt like I was barely breathing, and like there was a fist firmly planted in my stomach 24/7. I lost 25 pounds. People at work asked me if I was "sick." I don't know how I went to work every day. I certainly didn't sleep.

Here's what I did do. I started walking every evening after work, while listening to angry 90s and 00's rock like Breaking Benjamin, Disturbed, Skillet, Linkin Park, etc. I started at 15 minutes, and ended up at an hour, every night. Walking purposely and as fast as I could, like I was on a mission. I let the anger - rage, really - power me through it in a positive way. I also quit drinking. I found that continuing to drink with all that fury in me was not two great tastes that go great together. I became a seething, sputtering Mr. Hyde when I drank. And it made my already wrecked stomach burn. So I stopped.

It was the worst thing I've ever been through. Worse than post-partum depression. Worse than losing both my parents. I wouldn't wish it on anyone - except maybe him. (Yeah, there's some lingering anger.) If I can make it through it - and I'm here to tell you I was a complete mess - you can, too. Many of us here have.

My divorce will be final on Wednesday. He moved out in May. And I feel OK about that. First, my appetite came back. Then, sleep (without ZzzQuil - try that, by the way, but start out at half the dose they recommend - it helped me in the early days). Lately, I've started liking listening to music again - not just angry rock - and my craving for that is waning. Even some love songs are OK again, because I've started not to care whether he's still with her or not. Doesn't matter - he's gone, and has been for a long time.

I promise it will get better. I can promise that because I know firsthand that it does.
 
#6 ·
Google breathing exercises. I did them when I was dealing with my divorce (and my cheating husband). They helped. But the only thing that truly helps is time. Some people need more time than others so don't put a time limit on yourself. You heal when you heal.

You have a plan and are moving forward (I think your plan is an excellent one) and that's more than many people have at this stage. Divorce is an ordeal by fire for sure but it's amazing how strong you become. I'm two years past my divorce and I'm happy and at peace. You will be too!
 
#7 ·
Thank you Open and NMBeans. I really appreciate the encouragement. I do have some doubts about my plan but I have to have something to focus on besides all the negative.
I am going back home tomorrow and I admit I am a bit afraid of what I might find. A wreck of a house, things missing, services turned off, maybe a dead pet.... The proof that h really truly isn't coming back. I haven't been alone in that sense in my entire life.
I know these thoughts are irrational but I have a tendency to think the worst so I'm not surprised if it happens and so I can be relieved when it doesn't. H isn't a violent or vengeful type of person but if he did do something I guess I can always come back to family quicker and call my lawyer, right?
My mom said I should spend time cleaning the house, decluttering it and start packing. I hope to start exercising again and discover a lot more interests that are free/cheap to take up my time while I develope my patience for this waiting game.
 
#8 ·
If you can, envision the best life you could have single and start living it - exercise, friends, trips, arts, concerts, books - whatever that means for you and start living it.

Yes, your mind will go back. Yes, it will hurt. Yes, it's cliche' to say time heals but it does as your brain begins to let go of the past and look forward to the future.

If you want new bed sheets and a yellow wall - do it. If you want to skydive, jump.

It's hard to give yourself PERMISSION to just live how you want.

Ultimately, you rewire your brain to put yourself, your thoughts, your emotions ahead again. Book things well in advance and change plans at the last second. Take time off of work.

If you can't see a great life for yourself, think of someone you really admire for how they live their life. Emulate but make it your own.

Everyone is different. I will admit it has taken me a long time and I have a ways to go. But if you have any financial flexibility and the ability to go do something - do it!

Give yourself the gift of yourself.

I like to read Desiderata now and again too.

Good luck.
 
#9 ·
Today is not a good day. H is happy with the ow and I am wondering how to pay bills this coming month.
I cannot help but wonder what I did to deserve this.
Why is it possible for h to be happy with the terrible decisions he has made while me and the kids are the ones suffering and having to wait and pick up the pieces.
Why???
 
#10 ·
You have to get the lawyer on the financial part. This is one burden you do not have to shoulder, so please give it to them (lawyer and POSSTBXH).

You are discovering that the man you thought you loved doesn't really exist--he's not the good man you thought he was, not the good husband (this doesn't mean he is worthless, but he sure as heck is a POS husband).

It will hurt as you try to readjust to your new reality--change is always painful. Take advantage of the suggestions for breathing exercises, physical exercise, and get counseling.

The best thing is that this stage will pass--yes, it will take time, and moments will sneak up even after you think it is gone--but one day, you will realize you *are* past it. You will be a stronger person. I know that's little comfort now, but sometimes all you can do is be kind to yourself and repeat, "This too shall pass."
 
#12 ·
According to h she is two months divorced herself, smart, has a beautiful soul, thinks like he does. I assume well off since when he left he didn't take anything but his phone, tablet and himself. No bathroom items,no clothes, nothing else. He ran as fast as he could to a strange woman who could give him what I couldn't or didn't.

I don't want revenge, I just want to stop hurting and I want this over with so I can move on with my kids.
 
#15 ·
"Has a beautiful soul" = She is fat and ugly. (And threw herself at him because she is desperate to not be alone.)

Trust me on this one.

This will not end well for him. I know it's of little consolation now. But he will rue the day, and very likely may even try to come crawling back to you. But by the time he does, you'll be long gone. And better off.
 
#14 ·
He's not concerned because he's in the fog of infatuation where everything is grand and glorious. In the meantime, you are living in the real world where there are tough issues to deal with. It's a common thing, unfortunately. It's always interesting to see cheaters come out of that fog and have to deal with the real world again.

Pretend he doesn't exist (I did that with my ex-husband).
 
#18 ·
I can relate very well. Married 13 years, found out he has having an affair and that he wanted to move on. I have two kids, 8 and 12 yrs old.
I felt the exact same pain you are feeling. It was unbearable. I cried. Felt depressed. Was in denial, kept thinking we were going to mend things. Asked him over and over again why he wants to quit on our marriage, why we can't work on it.

It hurts but it does get better. It's been a year now and I have moved back home with family to get on my feet. I'm still going through the motions, mostly now I'm disgusted and can't believe what's he's done.

For me prayer helped, support with close friends, and just working on myself.
 
#19 ·
When he showed her to the kids they said she is plain looking but not fat.
I'm not small by any means but I'm not ugly imho so maybe he also wanted someone of a different size in bed. Or on his screen.

And of course the washer has to break down today of all days.
Thanks GE!
 
#22 ·
I bet she has a beautiful soul, though.

Ugh. What a sh!tty thing to say to you, HS. They always do that - try to make themselves feel better about dropping a bomb on our lives by telling us, of all people, how great their new GFs are.

Mine told me she reminded him of his sister. Obviously wrong on a number of levels right from the get-go. But even more wrong, still, when you consider his sister is one of my oldest, dearest friends, and he knows that. We were the maid/matron of honor in each other's weddings. She was in the room when our son was born.

Beautiful soul. My H told me she had "a good heart like my sister" and "Children come first with her." Yeah. Clearly.
 
#23 ·
I hope you all don't mind if I keep like a running check of days on here. I reread all the posts when I start feeling down and they help.
This morning I woke up really wanting to hug something. Is that normal to crave physical contact and reassurance but not getting it or am I being a big baby? I've started to let my dogs sleep on my bed so I don't feel so alone. It's not working, they just smell.
Fast forwarding to this afternoon I was sitting and thinking of an instance when my ds and wh and myself were sitting in the living room together watching tv and my ds and I heard a woman's voice saying hello, can you hear me. Neither of us knew what it was so we looked to h. He said it was his audio book. Ha! I also thought of when I asked him flat out if there was someone else and he told me no, to my face. Then he got mad and told me I had to stop being suspicious of him because it was making him mad.
Oh my gosh! What a liar!! And I didn't even see it but it was right there!! Realization dawned on me this afternoon and my self doubt and ridicule eased their grip on me a bit and I can now say with confidence that it wasn't me who cheated or lied and no matter what I did or said it wouldn't have changed it and I so need to move on and get out of here with the kids!!
I was waiting to hear from my lawyer today but he never called so tomorrow we will begin again. Never the less, I want full custody, I want the maximum I can get in child and spousal support and I want to be moved out of our home that isn't home before he comes down for our first hearing or meeting with the lawyer to form the agreement. I also do not want my kids around because I have no doubt he will be bringing the ow just to prove he has one.
He is a pathetic, shriveled, shell of a man who happens to be very selfish, egotistical, immature, irresponsible, manipulating, lying, cheating POS who doesn't deserve to call himself my husband anymore!
Man! I hope this high isn't too short lived.
 
#24 · (Edited)
Anger can be your friend. It's certainly a helluva lot better than Depression. Embrace it when it comes - let it empower you. It is about the only thing that got me through the worst of it.

Our divorce will be final tomorrow. VSTBXH will go to the courthouse alone, since he is the Petitioner and I'm not contesting it. He came over this afternoon to spend time with our son while I was at work (with my blessing). When he went to leave, he said "Thank you for being so good through this whole thing. I didn't deserve for you to be. I did a terrible thing to you, and I'm not happy about that." Yet he's still seeing her, and making future plans with her. Whatever. He actually hugged me, for the first time in many months, and it was an actually warm hug (giving those, at least to me, has never been his strong suit). And I just felt - nothing. And that was a wonderful feeling.

You'll still have your sad moments. I had one yesterday, telling a coworker I've only started to become friends with that I was divorcing when she asked what my husband thought of our new puppy. But that was short-lived. It used to be the other way around. The tide will turn one day without you even realizing it has, and the bad thoughts will take up less of your time than the good. Then one day, he'll come looking for compassion from you, and you just won't have any left to give. That's when you'll know you're about to be free.
 
#25 ·
I'm not a patient person so I do hope that is soon. i really want to say I don't want you, you're not good enough anymore. Like most things, I over analyze setting out different scenarios to see what id actually do and then they never happen so this probably won't either.
I spoke with our preacher today and he said, "you know this will not work or last for him, don't you?" I'm not entirely sure it won't. I know the statistics but I also know how stubborn and pushy and controlling and self made blind he can be.
He is a fantastic liar so I think he will be in his fog for a very long time, whether the op wants to be or not.
I find it odd that I'm not angry with the ow. I pity her but I'm not angry. That may change if I ever have to meet her.
 
#26 ·
We sound very much alike, HS. And like your H, I really think my very nearly ex is going to end up marrying this one and it's going to work out more or less for them, even though all signs and logic point to it crashing and burning. Because like your H, I know how stubborn he is and how ridiculously hard it is for him to admit he's wrong. He would rather marry her to prove to everyone he didn't blow up multiple lives out of pure foolishness, no matter how miserable she might make him. And he is a fantastic liar, too. He can lie to himself best of all. That's what the pathological ones do.

Tonight, he tells me that he hasn't seen her since May "out of respect for" me. He spent a week with her in May a week after he moved out - flew her down here to stay in the house we first bought together when we were newly married, brought our baby son home to, and lived in for 11 years before moving to this one and renting that one, and had a Fvck-a-Thon with her there in the bedroom - in the very bed! - I spent six weeks of strict bed rest in the last six weeks of my pregnancy to keep from going into labor - 10 minutes away from where his son and I now live, but he hasn't seen her since then "out of respect for" me. I think the word he was looking for is actually Guilt. Or maybe Disgust. I can only imagine what he tells her is the reason for the delay. I'm guessing something like this: "We can't be together again until after the divorce is final, otherwise my b**** wife might get p!ssed off and decide she wants more of our money than she's already getting out of spite."

Yes, the more time that goes by, the more you'll realize your H's emotional abandonment of you is a well-set pattern, not something new he had to change into in order to start doing. But you did get your beautiful kids out of him. So he was good for two things. Three things - his nonsense will bring out the best in you, and you will be stronger for what you've been through. It really, really doesn't seem like it now, but you'll look back on this sometime not too long from now and realize he did you a favor. And your only regret will be that he waited so long.
 
#27 ·
And here I am at home by myself at 9:15 trying to console you two while I'm lonely as **** wanting to get out of my marriage, yet faithful as the day is long. Wife is at the church right now. Anyway, you have great memories from these dudes so don't let those go even most recent memories sucked cuz they went bonkers w bimbos. Neither of the relationships will last. Trust me! Have a glass of wine tonight an cheers to being rid of your assjack husbands. For me, I'll watch law and order as my good looks slowly fade. Wah!!! Dude
 
#28 ·
Lol dude. Thanks for the laugh.
Thinking h and ow will do well together was starting to bum me out but then I remembered how I can't remember any good memories with him at this moment so they deserve each other. Misery, liars and cheats love like minded company.
I'll go watch Big Bang reruns and laugh out loud at all the parts h hates.

My mother said something to me that I will never forget. She said she has never known someone work so hard at something they hate. I think that perfectly describes my marriage at this point. I might need to get that tattooed where I can see it. Jk
 
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