reindeer

Well do tell IAM that someone wished her well please.

WhereAmI

Oh no! Send Ami some hugs and well wishes for me.

vivea

reindeer<3

Thank all you so much for your wonderful words.

I went to bed peaceful but woke up 6 hrs later super anxious,laying in bed another 2 hrs trying to sleep but my mind was racing too much.I still feel anxious and barely could eat yogurt. I lost so much weight and I'm trying hard to gain some weight back and it doesn't happen.I do try to eat but it's not enough I guess.
I do think about him and still hurts ,I wanted to make it fun day for the kids but here I am stuck at home again .Why I can't do anything,i knew him so well...I though i had the key to his heart...that he will see me through the fog and recognize me ...but he doesn't.Everything is long gone....and now that he left me alone to take care of the kids it's just so cruel.I wanted these children so it can make our love stronger and we can raise them and share their childhood together.
How did he forget 11 years so fast,all the hopes and dreams for us....last year at that time he was still in love with me telling me how amazing i am ,how perfect i am for him ,appreciating me...where did all this go .
I just have a hard time understanding how can you go from loving someone so much to having 0 feelings for that person in such short time.
A stranger from the street will care more about me than him...what have i done to him to hate me that much,I asked him that yesterday ..he said he doesn't hate me...well how can he do this to us if he doesn't.I don't get it.

I don't know I guess I had some hope before and that was holding me together.I though that if she gets out of the picture he will come back to me....I was wrong and now I see that and I know this is it...no matter what I do his answer will be the same.I only wanted this for the kids..why do they have to live this life...when i had them I envisioned such beautiful life for them.
They were supposed to have the American dream life,beautiful house in a nice neighborhood,good schools,loving parents to protect them...and now what...they will have to live with a working single parent that struggles to give them attention because there is too much to handle.

I'm sorry guys for the downer,I need to say these things ..to vent.I know I was doing very well at one point but i guess the symptoms were only masked...I can't explain it otherwise.

Just thinking that I have to see him till the rest of my life and be reminded that this is the man that gave me this beautiful kids and at the same time this is the man that destroyed their lives.

And yes we are still very close with a whole bunch of people from TAM ,we have our small FB group but they moved on because they started healing waaay before me and I am really behind them ,that is why I returned on here .

__________________
H. and I married since 2001.Two kids 5 and 1
H. separated from me onDec. 1st 2010Reconciled March 2nd 2011 .
April 24th ,he told me he's been having an affair
May 11 the day he asked for divorce
June28th divorce papers were served to me

anx

This is really hard to read. It is so sad that he turned on you and the result it will have on you and the kids. He'll suffer so few of the consequences.

I know the anxiety and lack of sleep.

I gained weight during my separation because of oreos. I suggest you find some similar junk food you can eat a ton of without stopping.

There isnt a solution other than going through this until you lose the connection to him. He strung you along for so long that this has only made it worse. You will move on too. Just focus on surviving. I had defiantly had miserable days where I just get through them. Other than doing something stupid, all you can do is put one foot in front of the other.
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dante

Vivea,

Don't worry about people moving on before you. Everyone takes their own amount of time to heal. I know what you mean about the American dream. We were going to get the white picket fence a month before she left. It sucks and those of us who are left just don't understand what happened. One of the things that helped me is the knowledge that I will never get the answers as to why my marriage ended. At least not any answers that will satisfy me. They have their reasons, but they will never be good enough for us.

Chances are that he had actually checked out long before he told you and was just on autopilot. My wife was talking about how much she loved me only a few days before she left. We also bought a brand new couch that she had wanted for a year only a few weeks before she left. It is weird to see that kind of thing, but it happens. I think it is their way of trying to make a good show, but at some point they just give up, even though they gave up a long time ago in reality.

I am sending good thoughts to you. I hope you can start to move forward. You are a good person and deserve someone who sees that as well.

__________________
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction

Jellybeans

Hey Viv.

Hugs to you. You already know you can never convince anyone of something they do n't believe in. He's told you several times he wants out of the relationshp so... believe him.

Focus on you and your kids and be the best person you can be and mother. Be strong.

It's his loss. And his problem to deal with. You are better off than being with someone who would not appreciate you.

caughtdreaming

Vivea, I think that little shred of hope that was holding you together is the same shred that I am still holding onto and is keeping me together. This is scary. I am such a mess right now I can't imagine getting any worse. Hopefully you can chalk today up to a really bad day get some sleep and start over again tomorrow.


This is a hard thing to just accept.

denise1218

I feel so bad that you are having to go thru this again. With the exception of my STBX wanting to reconcile...I know and feel exactly how you do and all of us here on TAM can def. relate on some sort of level. You will get thru this in one piece...and one day down the road, you will reflect on this time....and you will have your "A-HA" moment....and things will fall into place again in your life and start to make sense!!! It has to....because that is what is getting me thru each day myself. Like others have said....there is no time limit for the heart to heal....I believe you will know when it has happened....until then....baby steps......take it one day at a time!!!! Hugs to you!!!!

Jellybeans

I think people hold onto the HOPE because of FEAR.

And we all know that fear keeps you from doing so many things, necessary things, fear can paralyze you into never moving forward.

notreadytoquit

I totally understand this part(every word of it) and this is why is also difficult for me to move on faster than I would have hoped.

I had a biopsy two weeks ago and I told my ex H that we would not be able to skype that day(that's how he sees son) because I had to go to the hospital. So that same morning I get a text and an email him saying: I hope everything goes well with your biopsy. Now most people would think he still cares about me but I think it was more about him worrying that if anything happened to me he would have to become single dad of a 2 year old, which in turn would mean less time for girlfriend and no possibility to travel for work(which he does now). Little things like this still hold me back but both of us need to learn not to hang onto them at all.

__________________
The karma for screwing over a good girl is the b!tch you end up with

vivea

jelly...I know for sure one thing,I have a really hard time because of my kids.Our relationship with stbx was not destructive and the kids would have had a great life with both of us.My oldest misses him so much,she constantly talks about him and it's just pain...I honestly would die for my kids...so I would in a heartbeat take him back if that means that my kids will be happy.The little one doesn't know that HE is her dad...she hasn't said daddy yet because there is no one to say it to.

If it was just me and him I would have moved on waay faster BUT now it's horrible to know that these kids depend only on me and I can't even afford to get sick now and I have bad lower back and I've had moments where I can't get up from the couch because of it...what would happen if that happens to me now.

What will happen if the divorce really affects my girls in the long run, in school ,in their personal relationships one day...what kind of example they will follow when they come from a broken home.Will I be able to find a partner that will love them ,will they be OK with someone that is not their daddy.So many Q's,i can't sleep because of all this.And worrying about finances makes things even worse,i have not worked in 6 yrs,I have to start from scratch and at the same time have 2 kids to take to school day care and make sure homework are done ,all school projects....etc... he cared so much about their education and wanted the best for them and now...he doesn't even know where she is going to school next month.I t just hurts so much when i see that he is not involved even with them .
I have seen divorced guys that put their kids before anything else in their lives and HIM ...he seems like he can live without them...and he tells me on the phone that he cries for them every day...I do not believe him.

So yeah ,if it was not for the kids i would have been long gone from his life ...I just have a hard time letting go because of them.

You guys all say that your partners also loved you before they left BUT I keep reading the letter he gave me 4 months before he left and I just can't believe how is that possible,here it is...his words...( he wrote the letter after i found out that he has lied to me again and I was upset but forgave him after the letter and we decided to talk to MC once we move to SC...that was the plan ,I was never going to leave him,never in a million years):

Tell me how after all this he can forget about me and ditch me like I never existed ???!!!

And yes Jelly FEAR in all this is HUGE but parenting is scary when both partners stay together let alone when only one has to do it.I am scared ,I admit it...I am so scared and that is why I can not eat ,I know my anxiety comes from that but can't help it.I'm petrified right now.I never though I will be left to be a single parent to such little kids,it is very hard and scary.I wanted to be this amazing Mom and be involved with them in everything and take them to ballet classes and soccer ...and now will I be able to be there for them when they need me,will i be able to provide for them and make them happy.... so scary.

He left us and will live his fabulous life with his 2 expensive motorcycles and it seems he will be happy,he told me yesterday that he's a loner and enjoys being alone.He told me that he has his friend when he needs them and hangs out with them and that is enough for him.

__________________
H. and I married since 2001.Two kids 5 and 1
H. separated from me onDec. 1st 2010Reconciled March 2nd 2011 .
April 24th ,he told me he's been having an affair
May 11 the day he asked for divorce
June28th divorce papers were served to me

vivea

anx...i don't even feel like a want to eat junk food,my appetite increases towards the night because this is the time that i feel better,as i said I have no idea why so I eat more at night but it can't compensate i guess.I was 124 lb when all this started than I went to 115 in a matter of a month,than slowly went to 111 and when he played me in May I went to 105.Today I'm 104 ,again started looking anorexic,I have 0 fat on my body at the moment.I don't look healthy

notreadytoquit...yeah ,it seems like they do care only because of the kids. So that doesn't ruin their single life...they have lost their souls.

__________________
H. and I married since 2001.Two kids 5 and 1
H. separated from me onDec. 1st 2010Reconciled March 2nd 2011 .
April 24th ,he told me he's been having an affair
May 11 the day he asked for divorce
June28th divorce papers were served to me

caughtdreaming

WOW. That was some letter Viv.

vivea

Yeah I know.
Because after he left me he kept saying that he didn't actually love me ,that he doesn't think he ever loved me crap...I Emailed that letter to him asking him if that was fake than.He replayed:No it was not fake!
Well WTF?!

__________________
H. and I married since 2001.Two kids 5 and 1
H. separated from me onDec. 1st 2010Reconciled March 2nd 2011 .
April 24th ,he told me he's been having an affair
May 11 the day he asked for divorce
June28th divorce papers were served to me

Jellybeans

Viv--if he chooses NOT to be involved in your kids' lives, then that is HIS problem and HIS problem alone. I know you want to hang on but the thing is--he has already made the choice for you. He decided without you. He decided the state of your marriage on his own without ever considering you, the marriage, or your family unit. So that is what you have to deal with from here on out.

Do not delude yourself into believing a fantasy or an alternate reality.

The thing is, HE CHOSE THIS. You did not. So you must concede and go from there. Be the best mom and woman you can be.

If he has any intention of reconciling, he will make that known on his own. You will not have to convince or beg him to come back.

Stop giving him all of your power. Take control back.

Open up the door & let him go.