Can I convince him ?

Jellybeans · 07-07-2011, 03:45 PM

Oh and as for that letter.... that letter juxtaposed with his current actions should be making reality seem pretty clear. Even after all
that, he wasn't man enough to stick to his word.. It's sad. And again, you deserve so much better.

Remember, this is the SAME guy who asked for your permission to bring his skank to YOUR home so you could meet and give them their blessing so they could have sex.

Viv, please, find your self-respect, your dignity, and walk away with your head held high.

He is a little boy. And no match for you, a woman.

LonelyNLost · 07-07-2011, 04:13 PM

Hugs, V!

I think a lot of what he wrote was true. And probably is true. They don't match up with his current actions or words, but he is facing an internal battle. Unfortunately you and the kids are casualties. That's how I look at things with my stbx.

Empty words, empty promises, empty vows. He is a child, pretending to be a grown up. I think he'd get along with my H so well. They're even the same age! We're women, damn fine classy women who deserve so much more!

Mourn the loss, take all the time you need. You are only ready to move on when you feel that you can. No one has a timeline, and you don't have to feel pressured to do so. We all want the best for you. We care about you more than you care about him. Believe it! <3 you girl!

blownaway · 07-07-2011, 08:01 PM

Vivea - I'm so sorry for your pain. I can relate 100%. My STBXH blind sided me and I went through all of the emotions that you are feeling. I play things over and over in my head, "how could he do this", "how could he just leave us", "what the hell happened to him", "is he sick; only sick people do this"; "what about our babies"???

We've been S for about 9 months and are in the process of D. It's been, by far, the hardest thing I've ever had to face.

Along the way though, I've learned a few things. The first is that, no matter how bad we want to, we cannot control another person. No amount of begging, pleading, reasoning, crying, cajoling or guilting another person will convince them to do what you want. If you happen to be successful, it will be short lived. Their true feelings will resurface and your pain will be doubled.

The next is that no contact really does equal no new pain. No contact (or very minimal contact if you have children together) allows you to start to heal. You'll think it's nearly impossible, but it does get easier as time moves on. Talking and especially talking about "us" and what happened and why we can't move forward together only leads to hurtful, unsatisfying discussions. We all fall off the NC wagon and it's extremely difficult in the beginning, but it does allow you to heal, feel, and take back your power. Not your power over the relationship and the life you thought you had, but your power over you. NC allows you to rebuild your self-esteem and to maintain your self-respect and your dignity. That last little bit of hope can be a killer. It takes a long time, but the ember will burn out one day if you turn your back on him like he turned his back on you.

Finally, we are way stronger than we think. That doesn't mean that we don't stumble along the way, and sometimes the stumbles are BIG. But, we are strong. We are smart, resourceful women and strong, loving mothers. We know our roles and don't ever stray from our core values and what we know to be right. The spouses that simply check out and run without ever talking to us or trying to stay true to the commitment - they are the weaklings. They lie and cheat and make unilateral decisions to destroy the families that they created, all in the name of their own selfishness. They make us think it's all our fault and that we somehow could have kept them if we were better, younger, smarter, thinner, prettier, etc., etc., etc. As my IC says, these people will never be happy. They may try to make you think they're happy, but they will never be happy on the inside. Take comfort that our pain, while blinding at times, is temporary. We WILL find happiness again one day.

vivea · 07-07-2011, 10:13 PM

Jelly ...you are so right...and I know all this ,I have known it all along and yet I still find myself thinking "But I know this person ,I really know him,he still loves me,there is no other way..everything is just temporary"...like I'm fighting myself...because really how can I live with someone for 11 years and be best friends know everything about them,I've seen his thinking process in a lot of different matters...I though I knew him so well and in the END it seems he shifted to a different personality...I can't explain it otherwise...I refuse to believe that I didn't know him...he must have changed.
Regardless though ...the person that I once shared everything with obviously is gone.I don't know the thinking process of the person he's become now,I do think he has big issues though ...issues that require treatment.
And yes I do want to hold my head high ,I have always been this person.I have walked away from a bad relationship that I had before him,I opened the door and let the person go and I turned the other way and I cried and didn't let him see me...and than he chased me a few months later and wanted to marry me and it was too late for me I have moved on...and I was pretty in love with him..so I know I have it in me but as I said the kids make me so freaking weak because now I hurt for 3 people instead of just 1.
But I'm trying! Thank you for being here for me.Hugs!

Lonely...you know how much I love you girl ,your words mean the world to me,supporting me here and there...what can I say...pure LOVE for you.You inspire me so much!And you're so right they are acting like children or rather toddlers that want "that toy"and they will not stop until they get it.They want that life and they will get it regardless of how much pain they will cause.

blownaway...thank you so much for your words.I try the NC and it is difficult at the moment due to the fact that there are still things we need to communicate about the divorce and the kids.It weird but I must be a masochist because I think I find excuses for myself to call him.I'm ashamed to admit that but it just hit me as I write this.To hear his voice..no matter how cold he might sound.Just to know that I have his attention for 2 min...like I need my fix.
That is why we need to legally finish our marriage so I don't keep thinking in my head "but he is still my husband "
I do well with NC most of the time though,I had a period of 3 weeks of NC at all and I did OK but that was before our last convo when he made himself clear that he does not want to be married anymore ,period.

Today I struggled especially in the morning I took the kids to the park,they had so much fun,than we went to a friends house for some burgers,it was fun but as i was leaving ..me and the girls..I just felt this heavy feeling in my chest...I realized yet again that I am so alone in all this...I sobbed driving on the way home.It is just so hard to adjust to the feeling of being alone in this...and I did remember him and I miss him so much,he was an amazing husband,that is why is so hard for me.He was so sweet ,loving ,caring,gentleman...everything....he had his love in his eyes every time when he looked at me....he was so different from every guy I have ever seen. I always had the feeling that I have hit the jackpot with him.I really don't know what happened! When did he become so selfish ,so insensitive ,so cruel to the woman that loved him for the last 11 years.I have had so many chances to cheat on him,I had so many guys want me and i have never done in a million years though to cheat or worse cheat and dump him..even though he had issues with lying constantly to me.
I honestly had so much trust in him that lets say a fortuneteller told us years ago that one of us will cheat and will dump the family I honestly would have though that it will be me...that is how much trust I had in him,that is how much I believed in him.Crazy!
Thank you for showing me a little light in the tunnel ,I'm, waiting for the moment where i will wake up in the morning and will feel normal again,that I will have a good sleep and he will not enter my thoughts and dreams 24/7.I wish you good luck with finishing your recovery process.I do hope I'm on my way ...already!!!
hugs

blownaway · 07-08-2011, 05:25 AM

That guy ... the sweet, loving, funny, caring husband? That guy died. Your H is not that person anymore. He's telling you and showing you who he is - he's anything but those qualities if he can hurt you and your children this way. Take that knowledge and let it propel you toward NC. It's the only way to protect your heart.

Of course you look for ways to talk to him and contact him. That's what this is all about. We've all done it. It is like getting a little fix. But, if you commit to NC, it will become easier and easier. There will be a time of day where not contacting him will give you a physical reaction. Mine used to be mid-afternoon. That's when we would usually call each other to see what was going on that day, who would pick up which kid, what we would have for dinner, etc. I would literally shake and feel like I was going to crawl out of my skin at that time of day because I couldn't pick up the phone and call him. That passed. I guess that's what I'm trying to convey - it will pass if you let it and you recognize that this is normal. Everything you are feeling - the pain and desperation and loneliness and shock - that is normal.

One day at a time and sometimes it's one hour or one minute at a time.

Oak · 07-08-2011, 08:47 AM

Hey V! Hugs to you :-)

I just wanted to remind you that every persons recovery is unique. Take things one step at a time and do not rush yourself. You want to work through these feelings and get better, not suppress them and pretend they don't exist.

I know you feel like you are not getting better, but honestly what you are doing is SO HEALTHY for you mentally. Purging all this out and getting this support is what you need right now, and you know we all are here for you.

vivea · 07-08-2011, 10:10 AM

Thank you guys.

blownaway... well in our case we didn't have a specific hour during the day where we would call and talk,it was the nights where he would call from work,he worked night shifts.
And yeah I do NC ,I mean I have to ...it's not like I have something to tell him all the time.

It's weird but last night my oldest called him before bed and I grabbed the phone to ask him if he has send me another check because he is 8 days late so I had to hear his voice and see if he really did send it,I didn't want to talk to him but I had to ...I knew I have to hear that coldness in his voice again,voice that has no emotion and warmth anymore...but it''s like I want to talk and see if there is anything there,if he's going to say something that will give me hope.And than we hang up and it hurts a lot because there was nothing,not even a speck...

Well after I asked him about the check i needed to ask him something important for our health ins. He said he has no time right now,I told him I need to talk to him and he has to call me,he said he'll call today.Last night though at 11pm while I was on here ,the phone rings and I see it is him,I was in disbelieve ..such a weird feeling..well he decided to call last night to see what I need for the ins. company BUT it made me feel good to think that he had a thought about me and decided to call.
I was pretty reserved and cold and as soon as I got the info I said a few times "ok ,thats all" like "ok that is all I need from you,bye" but he kept talking about something and at the end he asked " is that all that you need"...which is weird because I have told him already a few times that this is all that i need.
I know I'm dissecting every word that comes from his mouth and I don't want to do that.

Oak...thanks for being here for me as well <3 ,and you're so right and that is why I spill all the beans,long ago I decided that I'm not going to lie about how I feel.I say it all...the whole truth...no matter how embarrassing it is,I need to say it out loud. I mean I can pretend all I want that I'm getting better and things are OK but at the end I am only lying to myself and that is not going to help me.

Jellybeans · 07-08-2011, 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vivea

Jelly ...you are so right...and I know all this ,I have known it all along and yet I still find myself thinking "But I know this person ,I really know him,he still loves me,there is no other way..everything is just temporary"...like I'm fighting myself...

I refuse to believe that I didn't know him...he must have changed.

Well, he did change. He is no longer the man you married. He is someone else now. He is now who he keeps showing you over and over again. So the sooner you accept that, the better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vivea

I have walked away from a bad relationship that I had before him,I opened the door and let the person go and I turned the other way and I cried and didn't let him see me...and than he chased me a few months later and wanted to marry me and it was too late for me I have moved on...and I was pretty in love with him..so I know I have it in me

The thing is, when you marry someone it bonds in a way you have never felt bonded to anyone else before. So your feelings are normal. And you feeling like in the past you did walk away, yes you did, however once you marry someone it changes the game. So when that spouse (hello SPOUSE) rejects you it feels 20x worse. That's just how it is.

But again, you deserve someone who will commit to you and not think marriage is disposable. And until he looks within and finds out the devastation he causes in his wake, he will continue this pattern in EVERY single relationship he is in.

You're better off, Viv

vivea · 07-08-2011, 02:05 PM

Yes ,that is what is the problem jelly...I have always thought that I will not forgive cheating or something like that but marriage definitely makes it harder .May be because you envisioned yourself with this person growing old and when kids are involved that vision is even more powerful.
In a relationship where there is no marriage you do not envision that and it is easier to say goodbye.

Well I am waiting on my lawyer to come back from his second vacation *eye roll* He went 2 times in a matter of a month ...but anyways he will be back on the 11th and I have to respond to the served divorce papers by the 28th so I have plenty of time.Divorce is happening and that's about it.

notreadytoquit · 07-08-2011, 02:22 PM

What makes it hard Vivea is the children. I never thought I would tolerate cheating. But when they are kids involved you have to stay in touch with that person whether you like it or not. I guess it does not help the fact that both our spouses never gave us the impression that anything was wrong(let alone say it) and this all came out of the blue.

For me I find it that it's not that I want him back so much but I just want him to experience the same amount of pain he has inflicted on me because I think that's the only way they can realize what they have done.

vivea · 07-08-2011, 02:50 PM

Well a month ago stbx told me SHE doesn't want him anymore and he said "well now I know how it feels for you""...I was like...you have no idea how it feels for me,with that woman you had 5-6 months relationship and no kids...with me you have 11 years relationship,marriage and 2 children.It is far from being the same pain....I don't think he got it ! He might never get it... for many reasons I know he will never get remotely close to that pain.

2 days before he was final on his decision of divorce we were talking on the couch and I wanted to describe to him the pain i have experienced when he left me back in Dec. he was amazed...he was looking at me all confused and at the end said...."really ,that is how you felt,i don't get it" ...he said he doesn't understand the pain at all.I told him that i felt like i was dead ...like i wanted to die for real...and he was like "wow,really,I don't understand"....

So I never expect him to understand!

caughtdreaming · 07-08-2011, 03:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by notreadytoquit

I just want him to experience the same amount of pain he has inflicted on me because I think that's the only way they can realize what they have done.

Yeah that's how I feel too. I'm sure they never will understand or experience the same pain we are. They don't get it at all.

Today I had to msg stbx to see if my ROE came in the mail. I'm totally down again...he didn't ask "how are you doing?", "what have you been up to?" just a "no sorry its not here, I will let you know if it comes though".

ugh. He doesn't even wanna know how I am or anything, no casual polite conversation from him at all. Such a downer!

Jellybeans · 07-08-2011, 03:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vivea

Well a month ago stbx told me SHE doesn't want him anymore and he said "well now I know how it feels for you""...

What an insensitive doucheb-g. Can I knock him out for you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by caughtdreaming

Yeah that's how I feel too. I'm sure they never will understand or experience the same pain we are.

No. Waywards will experience it ... once it happens to them.

vivea · 07-08-2011, 05:24 PM

Yes jelly anytime ...please

vivea · 07-09-2011, 03:08 PM

Gosh I had to talk to him today and that screwed me up.I'm sat now crying.It's just so hard to hear how insensitive he is .

We've talked about finances, because that is why I had to call him and I was upset,he kept his cool which was good ,than i asked if he really is not going to see the kids until divorce is final ,he confirmed and i told him again that it could take months he than said "well i don't know why you're so slow with the papers,what are we waiting for" I said "do you think I'm holding the papers on purpose?" "he said" I don't know" (sounded like "i think so").
He really thinks I'm slowing down the process and I hate that,just because i asked for him to think about it one more time now he took all the power from me and I hate it.I told him that my lawyer is on his 2nd vacation and that is why ....he said "well mine is not on vacation" with very arrogant tone in his voice.
I hate that he is so OK with the whole thing,that he still has his pride and has a say in things. I mean he talks to me like he hasn't done anything wrong...that I have....why does he make me feel like I fu*ck*ed up ?!