So here is where I am at right now. My wife took some of her stuff and moved out to live with her lover. She is having a platonic relationship with him only. I have agreed to share the boys every other day in our house. The lover is not supposed to come into our home.
I have been reading the "love must be tough" book, but I am confused what to do. Last night we talked and I told her that I still loved her and was moving forward. If she wanted to come back I would forgive her, but we would have to get counseling together to work on our broken marriage. I haven't talked to her since and sent her a email link on writing up a legal separation document. Am I doing the right thing.
So here is where I am at right now. My wife took some of her stuff and moved out to live with her lover. She is having a platonic relationship with him only. I have agreed to share the boys every other day in our house. The lover is not supposed to come into our home.
I have been reading the "love must be tough" book, but I am confused what to do. Last night we talked and I told her that I still loved her and was moving forward. If she wanted to come back I would forgive her, but we would have to get counseling together to work on our broken marriage. I haven't talked to her since and sent her a email link on writing up a legal separation document. Am I doing the right thing.
Yip, you are doing the right thing. If she wants her boy toy, let her have him. Get the sep agreement and let her know that there is a term on how long you are willing to wait around for her. Sorry, I know this sounds cruel, but it seems like the only way you can move on. Oh, and by the way - "a platonic relationship?" And they are living together! Do you really believe that? What possible advantage to you think a boy of 22 would have with a 32 year old woman if it isn't for sex among other things? I dunno man, I call BS on her. Sorry. You will get past this as it seems you have been through so many worse things already. Hang in there.
Yip, you are doing the right thing. If she wants her boy toy, let her have him. Get the sep agreement and let her know that there is a term on how long you are willing to wait around for her. Sorry, I know this sounds cruel, but it seems like the only way you can move on. Oh, and by the way - "a platonic relationship?" And they are living together! Do you really believe that? What possible advantage to you think a boy of 22 would have with a 32 year old woman if it isn't for sex among other things? I dunno man, I call BS on her. Sorry. You will get past this as it seems you have been through so many worse things already. Hang in there.
I meant to say that she says she is only having a platonic relationship. I don't know whether to believe her or not. The guy she is with said he is patiently waiting in one of his texts. I told here she is going to have to choose between me or him. She keeps trying to tell me nothing is going on with him and there shouldn't have to be a choice.
She then said she choose not to be with me and told me to move on. She is very hard headed and has never lost any argument in her mind. I guess I am moving forward and she is going to have to find her own place in town. Then before I quit talking I asked her how she is going to explain leaving my for a 22 year old and she continues to deny he has anything to do with it.
I meant to say that she says she is only having a platonic relationship. I don't know whether to believe her or not. The guy she is with said he is patiently waiting in one of his texts. I told here she is going to have to choose between me or him. She keeps trying to tell me nothing is going on with him and there shouldn't have to be a choice.
She then said she choose not to be with me and told me to move on. She is very hard headed and has never lost any argument in her mind. I guess I am moving forward and she is going to have to find her own place in town. Then before I quit talking I asked her how she is going to explain leaving my for a 22 year old and she continues to deny he has anything to do with it.
OK, if she says so about the other guy but 530 text messages doesn't sound like nothing to me so did you bring that up? Man, I am sorry you are going through this like so many of us on here. If you feel like you are at a place where you can be better off on without her, then do what is in your heart. In a way, you are lucky you do not have kids as a factor. If she told you to move on than give her what she wants. Think of it as her giving you your freedom. I know that's probably not the way you wanted it, but it's OK. She will only do the same with her next relationship when she gets tired of it.
OK, if she says so about the other guy but 530 text messages doesn't sound like nothing to me so did you bring that up? Man, I am sorry you are going through this like so many of us on here. If you feel like you are at a place where you can be better off on without her, then do what is in your heart. In a way, you are lucky you do not have kids as a factor. If she told you to move on than give her what she wants. Think of it as her giving you your freedom. I know that's probably not the way you wanted it, but it's OK. She will only do the same with her next relationship when she gets tired of it.
I do have kids, that is a big reason I am trying to save this.
I do have kids, that is a big reason I am trying to save this.
Yes, I am really sorry man, I don't know what I was thinking on my last post. I know you had all those bad things happen to you including you son getting hit by a car. I am really sorry for posting that question.
I think that working 80 hours a week when she has kids is not a good idea. She said she cut off the other guy but did you ask her about the 530 text messages? Or are you worried that she will be even more pissed if she thinks you are spying on her personal business with regards to the texts? If she is still texting with this guy, I wouldn't be agraid or concerned about letting her know you are aware of it. You are worried about the kids, that's understandable, but you should also take care of yourself for your kids sake. It isn't good for them to be around a toxic relationship. I really hope you can find some peace and moments of calm in all this mess. Only you can decide where you want to take this; if you think she is being honest about the other guy, cut her some slack, she is working to better herself. If you feel as if she is stringing you along and is still in an EA with this other guy, then step up and confront her about the texting. Hopefully you have some proof of these texts, or you are absolutely sure they are what you think they are or this will throw her completely to the other side. I wish you the best.
Look up the " doing a 180" and "how to fight an affair "
She is in a big time fantasy and it will only be a matter of time before she comes crawling back, it may take some time for her to get out of the fog, but if you do the research you can get her out sooner then later.
I suggest #1, you make this affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible. Stop letting her have the kids at OM home, expose it to thier employer with the "I love you text". In addition show these text messeges to her family and ask them for there support in repairing the marriage.
Again there is a few more avenues you can take to push her away, in what I mean is the more you push the harder it will be on her.
See, it was all fun and games and the taboo thrill of having a lover and a husband was all good. Now that you confronted her and it is all out in the open it will no longer be exciting, it will be shameful and a distructive reality that her behavior is breaking up a marriage.
No matter if its not a PA and she keeps insisting that nothing is going on (which is BS) you still have the evidence that she loves some one other then her husband.
Look up the " doing a 180" and "how to fight an affair "
She is in a big time fantasy and it will only be a matter of time before she comes crawling back, it may take some time for her to get out of the fog, but if you do the research you can get her out sooner then later.
I suggest #1, you make this affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible. Stop letting her have the kids at OM home, expose it to thier employer with the "I love you text". In addition show these text messeges to her family and ask them for there support in repairing the marriage.
Again there is a few more avenues you can take to push her away, in what I mean is the more you push the harder it will be on her.
See, it was all fun and games and the taboo thrill of having a lover and a husband was all good. Now that you confronted her and it is all out in the open it will no longer be exciting, it will be shameful and a distructive reality that her behavior is breaking up a marriage.
No matter if its not a PA and she keeps insisting that nothing is going on (which is BS) you still have the evidence that she loves some one other then her husband.
Here is what I wrote in an email to my wife.
"I want you to move back in with me full time and completely end your relationship with you friend or we will proceed to move to a divorce."
I don't have any of her texts, I should have forwarded them to myself. I think they can be obtained with a court order though.
She is dodging the choice I offered her saying that I am giving her an ultimatum. She is in such denial that she is in a relationship. I talked with a lawyer today and she thought given the circumstances that in 3-4 weeks I would maintain the house and the kids after I file for separation at at court hearing.
Do I tell her this or just file a separation paper? The seperation paper is going to cost me $190 to do it myself or $700 to have the lawyer do it.
She is dodging the choice I offered her saying that I am giving her an ultimatum. She is in such denial that she is in a relationship. I talked with a lawyer today and she thought given the circumstances that in 3-4 weeks I would maintain the house and the kids after I file for separation at at court hearing.
Do I tell her this or just file a separation paper? The seperation paper is going to cost me $190 to do it myself or $700 to have the lawyer do it.
Yes, you are giving her ultimatum! So which one is it? You and move in or the other guy?
How's that for an answer to her dodging? I would consider the sep but be careful how you word it if you do it yourself. That is if she doesn't answer your "ultimatum" favorably.
Yes, you are giving her ultimatum! So which one is it? You and move in or the other guy?
How's that for an answer to her dodging? I would consider the sep but be careful how you word it if you do it yourself. That is if she doesn't answer your "ultimatum" favorably.
Just my thought on it.
So I made her choose last night. She wanted to separate with me agreeing to a 50/50 split of the boys. I said I am not agreeing to that. It is either try to work it out and dump the other guy or a separation and let the courts decide everything. She kept saying that I am holding the kids as ransom to keep her. She thinks she is not in the wrong whatsoever. So after a brief discussion she said she chooses the kids over the over guy. I said fine, we will go to counseling to work on our relationship them.
The rest of the night she sulked and acted all pissed off. I went to bed first and then she came in for the first time in a long time and move close to me. I made the mistake of putting my arm on her back and she told me not to touch her. I moved to the other side of the bed. In the middle of the night she moved over towards me and started rubbing my arm. I asked her about it this morning and she flatly denied doing it. I then asked if she was going to two parties this weekend with me. She said no, she wasn't. I told her that she has to come back all the way or not come back at all. She preceded to act like the victim again. She doesn't think she did anything wrong. So I said I am going to visit my lawyer today and get the separation. She kept saying that I was using the kids to trap her. I said that she choose for the past 6 months not to be with the kids and that was her problem when it came to custody. I also said that I didn't want my sons and her boyfriend fighting over toys together. He is 22 and my son is 8. I know that was immature but I wanted to prove my point.
Anyways I am moving forward and filing the separation today. I am not going to talk to her any more. I can not win a word arguement with her. I am just going to state that I am moving on. Am I overreacting? Am I using the kids as ransom?
So I made her choose last night. She wanted to separate with me agreeing to a 50/50 split of the boys. I said I am not agreeing to that. It is either try to work it out and dump the other guy or a separation and let the courts decide everything. She kept saying that I am holding the kids as ransom to keep her. She thinks she is not in the wrong whatsoever. So after a brief discussion she said she chooses the kids over the over guy. I said fine, we will go to counseling to work on our relationship them.
The rest of the night she sulked and acted all pissed off. I went to bed first and then she came in for the first time in a long time and move close to me. I made the mistake of putting my arm on her back and she told me not to touch her. I moved to the other side of the bed. In the middle of the night she moved over towards me and started rubbing my arm. I asked her about it this morning and she flatly denied doing it. I then asked if she was going to two parties this weekend with me. She said no, she wasn't. I told her that she has to come back all the way or not come back at all. She preceded to act like the victim again. She doesn't think she did anything wrong. So I said I am going to visit my lawyer today and get the separation. She kept saying that I was using the kids to trap her. I said that she choose for the past 6 months not to be with the kids and that was her problem when it came to custody. I also said that I didn't want my sons and her boyfriend fighting over toys together. He is 22 and my son is 8. I know that was immature but I wanted to prove my point.
Anyways I am moving forward and filing the separation today. I am not going to talk to her any more. I can not win a word arguement with her. I am just going to state that I am moving on. Am I overreacting? Am I using the kids as ransom?
Wow! Well, from your post it sounds as if she is still conflicted about bailing out - but she still wants to. It sounds like she is emotionally torn. Rubbing your arm at night, even sleeping in the same bed with you is rather odd. I mean, if she is so adament about seperating, I would think she would rather sleep on a couch so it is odd to me that she even went into the same room with you. Anyway, my thought on this might be something you would not prefer to hear but quite honestly, yeah, you are sort of holding her for ransom. I am in no way saying what she is doing to you and your family isn't awful, it is. But consider this for a moment - from her perspective the ultimatum you are giving her is comparable to asking her to choose between her children and and her happiness. So essentially, she is being forced to give up her new dreams and happiness because her children are part of her and her treasure in her life. Unfortunately, you aren't part of that happiness; she will resent you for it and living with someone who resents you is impossible - you will be more miserable than you are right now. So it is perfectly understandable that she is feeling that she will have to live a miserable existance with you in order to keep her kids.
What I meant in my previous post was not to hold her captive so she can be with you - that is counterproductive and a horrible way for both of you to live. What I meant was to let her chose which one of you she wanted to be with and cut her lose if she chooses the other.
Also, it isn't right for you to use the kids as pawns to make her stay. That is wrong on both counts, for the children and their mother. No, my friend, in my opinion you need to let her go if that is what she truly wants, and you need to let the kids be with their mother 50/50. I know it sounds like a rotten deal and you are getting scr***wed but that is just the way these miserable separations and divorces go - there is nothing good about them.
So, it's just my thought on this - I would give her what she wants, move on with your life by working to be a better person. Learn from this experience. If you would rather her not stay there, then don't let her if she if f'kn around with this other guy. While my opinion is just one of many you will get on here, I think you would be doing a disservice to your children to not see their mother. One thing though, you do have the right to tell her that as long as you two are married you will not accept her having the kids around the OM - that is her problem if she doesn't like it but I would put my foot down and stand my ground on that. Tough sh**t for her at that point. The kids won't benefit from that at all.
BTW, your gut instincts where right on about the texts. I take it when she fessed up to it you were even more pissed because she kept thinking you would be a fool and not know. Good for you! There are ways that you can cope with all of this and time will teach you how. It will get better than you can even imagine right now. There are actually women out there who are loving and commited to one man forever - you just have to find her if this doesn't work out for you, she's out there. Just don't rush into anything. I wish you the best.
Wow! Well, from your post it sounds as if she is still conflicted about bailing out - but she still wants to. It sounds like she is emotionally torn. Rubbing your arm at night, even sleeping in the same bed with you is rather odd. I mean, if she is so adament about seperating, I would think she would rather sleep on a couch so it is odd to me that she even went into the same room with you. Anyway, my thought on this might be something you would not prefer to hear but quite honestly, yeah, you are sort of holding her for ransom. I am in no way saying what she is doing to you and your family isn't awful, it is. But consider this for a moment - from her perspective the ultimatum you are giving her is comparable to asking her to choose between her children and and her happiness. So essentially, she is being forced to give up her new dreams and happiness because her children are part of her and her treasure in her life. Unfortunately, you aren't part of that happiness; she will resent you for it and living with someone who resents you is impossible - you will be more miserable than you are right now. So it is perfectly understandable that she is feeling that she will have to live a miserable existance with you in order to keep her kids.
What I meant in my previous post was not to hold her captive so she can be with you - that is counterproductive and a horrible way for both of you to live. What I meant was to let her chose which one of you she wanted to be with and cut her lose if she chooses the other.
Also, it isn't right for you to use the kids as pawns to make her stay. That is wrong on both counts, for the children and their mother. No, my friend, in my opinion you need to let her go if that is what she truly wants, and you need to let the kids be with their mother 50/50. I know it sounds like a rotten deal and you are getting scr***wed but that is just the way these miserable separations and divorces go - there is nothing good about them.
So, it's just my thought on this - I would give her what she wants, move on with your life by working to be a better person. Learn from this experience. If you would rather her not stay there, then don't let her if she if f'kn around with this other guy. While my opinion is just one of many you will get on here, I think you would be doing a disservice to your children to not see their mother. One thing though, you do have the right to tell her that as long as you two are married you will not accept her having the kids around the OM - that is here problem if she doesn't like that but I would put my foot down and stand my ground on that. The kids won't benefit from that at all at this point.
BTW, your gut instincts where right on about the texts. I take it when she fessed up to it you were even more pissed because she kept thinking you would be a fool and not know. Good for you! There are ways that you can cope with all of this and time will teach you how. It will get better than you can even imagine right now. There are actually women out there who are loving and commited to one man forever - you just have to find her if this doesn't work out for you, she's out there. Just don't rush into anything. I wish you the best.
Well I didn't say she wouldn't have the kids. She wants to have the kids every other night at his place and I don't want that and I know the judge won't allow it. He lives 20 minutes away in another town. I told her 50/50 in town. In here own apartment.
She agreed to get an apartment in town. We are going to split the boys 50/50. I asked her not not to contact me much and keep it business like and she agreed.
I am going to 2 parties tonight and tomorrow. I am so lonely, what are the rules about hooking up with someone? I need some self confidence. I know someone that is going and she used to like me in High School and flirts with me every time I see her and she is single. I won't do anything, but am I a free man or not?
Re: Recently separated as of yesterday 
