zebedee

Hi all,

I'm new to this forum, and am in need of some advice. Let me explain, this could take some time... Thank you to those who finish reading this one.

I've been married now just over two years to my beloved wife. She is 32, I'm 31. This is my second marriage and her first. We fell in love and married after only 9 months, back in 06; and since then, our marriage has been a rollercoaster ride.

She has a son from a prior relationship, I have a daughter from my prior marriage. Since our marriage, we've been combatting issue after issue, and needless to say, it's greatly impacted the quality of our marriage; hence the current situation. I will say upfront, I've made plenty of mistakes these past couple of years; we both have, and are both responsible for where we're at now...
1) Blending our family has posed a significant challenge, and we've both had a tendency to priorize our children ahead of our marriage. We're both to blame on this, and it has definitely impacted our relationship.
2) My wife is a victim of childhood sexual abuse. She is in counselling for it now, and is making progress. However, she chose to bury this issue for 17 years, and she chose to confront it last year. It's been tearing us up ever since... intimacy issues, both physical and emotional.
3)I'm in the military and have been TDY/ Deployed for a good portion of our marriage. Last year I was gone half the year, and this really impacted our marriage. I'm getting out next year.

I returned from my most recent deployment almost 10 months ago now, and since then, our marriage has done nothing but deteriorate. We suffered from lack of intimacy, lack of making each other a priority over our children, which has in turn affected our trust... the whole 9 yards.

We talked about all of this back in August, and since then, I have been actively trying to make our marriage my top priority; and I have. However, by the end of the september, not much had changed; in fact my wife's attitude had deteriorated even more, to the point to where she wanted a separation.

By all her accounts, she says I've been a very good husband to her, and a good step dad to our son. But she said she felt burnt out, and really just needed some space. She told me she wasn't ready to "quit", but that she wasn't ready to try either.

So I moved out and gave her the space she asked for. Within a short period of time, things rapidly improved. She said that she missed me, she loved me and she wanted to work on things We did some activities together, and really seemed to be enjoying each others company.

Well, the past three weeks, everything seems to be deteriorating and falling apart now. Now she barely wants to see me or talk to me. I called her tonight to confront her and find out exactly "where we're at?"

She told me the standard "i love you but am not in love with you". She said that the feelings haven't been there for awhile now; that those first few weeks she was trying to "feel" again, to see if her feelings for me would change, but that they hadn't. She told me that she felt we rushed into the marriage; that she really didn't feel she was ready to be married, and that she didn't want to go on feeling like this for the next 50 years. She didn't say she was ready to quit, but she layed on heavy doubt and discouragement.

I've been doing a great deal of reading/ praying this past month. I am a man of God, and know that the Lord's will for me in this situation is to stick it out through faith, obedience and determination. So I'm not asking whether or not I should quit? I'm asking about how I should approach the future? I did tell her tonight, that 3 weeks of effort isn't going to change a year's worth of discouragement, and that this is going to take time. It took us a year to get this way, it will probably take us at least that long to get better; especially while dealing with other issues outside the marriage as well (her past). I also told her that I'm committed to making this marriage work; that I believe in "til death do us part". But I also told her that if she quits, or strays outside our marriage, then I'm done too. One person can't make a marriage work; so I told her that if she reaches that point, that she needs to let me know.

In the books I've been reading recently, I've discovered that love is a "choice". That we can "choose" to love; that we can lead our hearts; and that this is predicated by our desire to give, and to love. If we are willing to give of ourselves, and to do loving things (unconditionally) for our spouse, then our heart is bound to follow. I've been doing this now for the past month, and my love for my wife has greatly increased. It's also greatly enhanced my spiritual walk with the Lord. I've told my wife about it, and have been trying to get her to embrace these principles; i.e. that if she's willing to try; to give and love unconditionally; that we can rekindle our love for each other. The key is making the "choice" to do so. I know I can't make her love me, she has to choose to do so. I pray she will.

I could probably go on and on, but I think you get the point. I know a lot of the discouragment she's feeling is related to us not making our marriage enough of a priority throughout our marriage, and a lot is due to her past experiences, and also not truly being ready to be a wife when we got married. With that said, I do believe that just because we rushed into marriage, isn't reason for us to rush out. So my question now to the forum, what should I do now? Should I give her space to decide what she wants to do? How would folks on here react to this situation? Would some of you quit? I'm not ready to quit; but am asking for all opinions.

Thank you for taking the time to respond God Bless.

zebedee

I should add that my wife and I have been in marital counselling now for about the past 9 months. We're both active in our local church and are seeking help there as well.

draconis

What did you do different when you first met her?

draconis

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zebedee

I romanced her and swept her off her feet. It's just that this time, I'm not sure that's possible in the same way.

I've already been trying. For our anniversary (a few weeks back) I took her out of town and got us a hot air balloon ride. That night we had dinner at our favorite restaurant. By all accounts, she said it was "nice". But that it didn't influence her feelings for me.

I will continue to love her, and to find little romantic things to do for her to show my continued support; to show I care. But she doesn't seem to want me to "sweep her away". I'm not even sure I could.

Our marriage counselor and I talked about it in a one on one session. She said I needed to stop giving as much (not entirely), but to yield some of the control to my wife, and see if she picks up the reigns. As mentioned, I do believe that love is a verb not a noun, and that it's something we "choose" to do. Please sound off if you have some different advice.

I will continue to suggest activities to my wife. I do think it's very important that we have some fun things to do. Our life can't only focus around the "issues". With that said, I do believe my counselor is correct as well; in saying that my wife has to be willing to "try" as well, and meet me half way. If she isn't, then I don't see how this can work. Your views?

Blanca

It sounds like you have done a lot to try and reconcile. I would agree with your counselor to back off. but i think you should write her a short letter explaining where things went wrong, what you want to do to fix the marriage, but mostly that you dont want to push her into anything so you will be quietly loving her on the side until she gets through whatever it is she's going through. Leave the note for her somewhere and never bring up the relationship again until she does.

I think it would help her to know she can lose you. it'll help her realize she misses you and really wants you back, if that is what she wants.

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"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

zebedee

thank you for your response! That sounds like good advice. I admit; it's hard to back off as I tend to try to control situations (hey, I'm a guy), but I'm thinking you're right.

I sent her a letter last week, detailing how much I care for her; and I told her yesterday how much I really want this relationship to work. With that said, I also told her that I am willing to give her her space. Being around someone who doesn't want you around is pure misery. So I basically left it off as:

"I love you; I'm here for you, I'll give you your space, so I'm not planning on calling you. Call me when you feel like talking. I'd love to hear from you."

She knows how much I care and how much I want to make this work. But as mentioned, I know I can't make her fall in love with me. She needs to be willing to put forth the effort. I pray she will.

Incidentally, I also outlined for her, that if she'd be willing to genuinely try and not "quit"; that I'll be there for her "til death" so to speak. I told her I love her dearly, and that I'd stay by her side. I told her I do have 2 conditions however, and that if she meets those, that I'll stay as long as it takes.

1) that she doesn't quit. This is sort of self explanatory, but I don't believe in a one person marriage; if she quits, then I suppose we're done.

2) that she doesn't go outside our marriage to meet her physical or emotional needs (or both). This is sort of an extension of my first condition; but bottom line, I can't/ won't tolerate an affair.

I finally told her that she really needs to make a decision. I'm not pressuring her for one right now, but I told her that she really does need to decide in her own mind (sooner rather than later) if she wants to work on our marriage or not. I obviously really want this marriage to work out, and she knows that; I am trying for "us" and want to continue to do so, and that I'll continue to pray for us, and that I sincerely pray/ hope she won't quit on us. I will continue to love her quietely by the side lines I suppose.

But I also told her that if she should reach the point to where she decides that she doesn't want to make our marriage work; that she needs to tell me. I don't want her to feel like she's doing me a favor, sparing me the hurt, by dragging this out, if she decides it's truly "done". I deserve better than that; we both do.

thank you for your responses!

Blanca

i think what you told her was really good. you let her know you respect her needs but that you also have a few of your own. its good that she knows what the guidelines are if she watns to be with you. and you let her know you arent just a doormat to be walked on. i think it was a really good way to approach her.

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"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

zebedee

thanks ljtseng. I appreciate the supportive comments!

I'm hoping/ praying things turn around. I realize she needs to "want" this to work; and right now, I feel pressuring her will just make things worse.

I also realize that the sooner we are back under the same roof; the better. I don't want us to drift apart and get "comfortable" being separated. It's no way to sustain a marriage.

Blanca

I hope things work out for you, too. It sounds like she's dealing with a lot and needed her space b/c it was just too much for her. I bet if she knows she can have her space when she needs it she'd be more comfortable living together again.

__________________


"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

zebedee

thank you LJ.

She is dealing with a lot right now; but I'll say the past couple of days have been really good. I told her at the beginning of the week that I'd give her the space she needs, and within a day, she was calling me to talk and hang out.

Bottom line; I'm leaving the ball in her court. I want to spend as much time with her as possible obviously; I love her dearly. But I recognize where she is at right now, and don't want to pressure her. I am willing to see her/ talk to her when she's willing. I'm not going to impose on her. So far it's working. I pray it continues to do so, and I pray we will be able to reconnect.

Something I was reading recently in regards to rocky marriages, indicated that the worst thing to do is to "work on the issues" right away. You're actually better off putting the issues on the shelf for a while, and just focus on spending time together, reconnecting.

I think that's been a bit of the problem recently for us recently. I was trying to pressure her to work on the "issues", and she isn't ready to. I'll just continue to back off, and let her approach me when she's ready. So far so good.

Thanks for your support!

voivod

one of the more popular schools of thought right now is

DON'T TALK ABOUT THE ISSUES RIGHT NOW

the line of thinking is it takes you back to a place of conflict and it's hard to get out of that hole. just reconnect, treat your relationship like a friendship and move from there, sorta like starting over. it's working (i think) with me, and it's so much easier, so little emotional brain damage.

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