sadmama

Hello - I am new here...my STBXH informed me 2 days before our anniversary last year (after I asked him if he was cheating on me) that he was miserable and hated our life. He resented the kids (three of them) because, among other things, they were dependent on him. We were an average family, I stayed home because that's what I thought we both wanted. We aren't wealthy but we do okay.

I fought to be what he wanted me to be, tried to salvage things, he drove wedges in between us, treated me like absolute crap, and basically left me. Then came back, then left again, then came back one more time, then left again.

I think I've gone through all the stages of grieving, I lost 20 pounds, then gained 50 , I'm medicated, and back in school. But I still have a lot of anger towards him that he doesn't understand. We haven't filed yet, but only because he agreed to wait until I get a job and have health insurance since I have medical conditions that have to be covered or I will quite literally die.

A few other things about him, he admitted to having "emotional affairs" through e-mail with women he supposedly doesn't know (he even convinced me after I found a secret e-mail account that it wasn't his, etc...), he also admitted to having an internet porn addiction, but sought no help, he played an average of 8 hours of video games per day (after working a full day - so pretty much from 6pm -2am). After getting his first iPhone he became 100% tethered to the internet, facebook, twitter, you name it

Anyway, just here for some support and somewhere I can vent and share with people who understand some of what I am going through - hope that's here.

Thanks

Sparkles422

sadmama:
My antenna woud be raised in this situation. My stbxh insisted on separate computers in February and separate cell phones. Well, long story short he connected with a woman from high school and so began an EA. He denies this strenuously that that was what it was and says I only wanted to hear that he was carrying on because I couldn't face the truth.

The EA didn't work out because she is 65 yrs old, married 45years and you can picture the rest. I think he had some kind of fantasy going, dyeing his hair etc...and then met her and the texting and cell usage slowed down alot. Bubble was burst.

To face the truth, sometimes we have to go through the fire of destroying the dream (marriage) and realize it was a fiction. For me, it was a fiction for 5 years but I couldn't admit it to myself. He is a narcissist and everything was about him. We were married for 7yrs, together 9.

Your spouse sounds like he is living a cyber fantasy and there is nothing you can do or say. You cannot change another person you can only change yourself.

I admitted I wasn't happy, looked the truth in the face, went through incredible pain and am divorcing in 12 days. Was it easy? No. Was it right? Yes.

Don't you want to live your life to the fullest? Find yourself, again? I think, for me, to be able to depend on myself and go through the fear will be one of the many rewards of this pain.

Hugs to you.

sadmama

Thank you so much - sounds very similar, except we have had separate computers for a long time. I was the same way - I found an e-mail account on his computer that was the "handle" he always had used for online games and he tried to say it wasn't his (even though the username and password were saved to his browser) and there were e-mails and dirty pictures, etc. I confronted him immediately and he distracted me with something else, but that was several years ago. Same thing with the cell phone bill, it skyrocketed on his line all to the same number, which I then realized was a google voice number that shows up for all incoming numbers that use his google voice line so that way I couldn't check into any of it. He suddenly started travelling and wanted to do all sorts of things away from us that he had never wanted to do before.

I have kind of worked through most of it, but I know I am still very mad. He still makes me feel bad if I am not perfectly civil towards him - I unfriended him on facebook and he asked me why. Seriously?!?!

I've started back to school to do what I've wanted to do for a long time but he was never supportive of (he said he was supportive, but he wouldn't do things, like take care of the kids so I could go...).

So sorry that you've gone through the same kind of thing since I know how much it sucks!

Sparkles422

It is a long hard trip for sure. I discovered that I am so full of fear that it clouds the issues.

Sometimes the fear is so strong I think that is really what I am going through. Scared to be on my own.

Got to keep reminding ourselves that we wouldn't have the type of friends that do this.

sadmama

I totally agree @Sparkles. I was scared to DEATH of being alone - I didn't even like to sleep here alone. It has definitely gotten better though.

I'm learning to depend on myself and friends and family more -I have never been one to ask for or accept help and that has been humbling. One lesson I have learned is that I know how good it feels to help someone in need, sometimes it's our job to be the one in need of something so that someone else can feel good about helping us - I've learned that I am not alone without him - I think I felt more alone when we were together than I do now because I have connected with so many other people.