here's our story, we have been separated for roughly a month, and she's been living at her sisters for about 3 weeks now.
she left because she feels that we are not emotionally connected, she doesn't think i listen to her. I admit that i have been neglecting the relationship for too long, we have been dating/engaged for 8 years, and got married just last August. I love her so much, i truly feel that she is my soul mate, and i thought she felt the same.....
Now i see that she didn't... she left, says she had an emotional affair with a guy she works with, but claims to have ended that. Now she is traveling and doing all the fun stuff i wanted to do with her. Part of the issue I feel is that she goes to school during the days, and works till 9 or 10 at night during the week, and i work all days. By the time she gets home, i am ready for bed, and she isn't. So needless to say we didn't have alot of time to work on the relationship.
I feel that instead of trying to work on us, she just up and left, she says she tried to get me to change for years, but her idea of that is yelling at me every 6 months, then 30 minutes later saying she is over it(so nothing gets resolved). I now see my flaws and feel that i am making good progress to resolve those, but she refuses to see anything i do or try to show her this.
Now just earlier this week, she calls and says she wants to move back home because this is her home too, and she wants to stay here too, even though we are separated. She wants to sleep in different rooms still, and I want to set up ground rules, but what do I make of this???
How do i treat her? I am still angry, but I'm not sure if i should be cold with her? I would like to try to reconcile, but I'm not sure how to go about that? She has to be ready, i know that, but I am just so lost...
thanks for reading, any words of advice would be awesome
Personally, I would say hell no to that. She chose to turn her back on the relationship so she should have thought about all that it would involve. How are you supposed to begin the healing process if she is constantly around and reminding you of what you thought was going to be your forever?
I recently separated from my wife, her decision. I am slowly getting to a place where I am accepting and even somewhat in agreement to the whole thing. This has come from a lot of reading, talking and therapy. Also the fact that I don't have to see her face every time I turn around has helped immensely.
Just my 2 cents but, if it were me, I wouldn't let it happen. She made her decision and now should live with all that decision brings, good and bad.
Personally I would have a talk with her and let her know that if she were to move back in, it's to work on the relationship. However, before that can happen, you should have a long talk on how you're going to go about fixing the relationship.
It takes TWO people to get this done, so you need to express how you are going make improvements on yourself as well as she needs to express what changes she needs to make to make the relationship work.
Without this agreement, it's NOT going to work and if she were to move in while you both try to live separate lives will be very stressful. Been there, done that and it ended up in a divorce.
Do not let her back in unless she wants to work on the marriage. I am in an in-house divorce and it is hell. Let me tell you.
If I could afford it all you would see is the dust on the road as I sped away. There is no closure this way until the physical separation has happened. You can do all the therapy, IC, sharing; it still comes down to facing this person day after day. Yuck, torture.
I could never support an in house separation. Either you are in or you're out. No middle ground.
I'm with JB. No dice.
As tempting as it is to take her back under those circumstances, it will never work. You will be opening yourself up to more pain. If she wants to come back to work on the relationship that's an entirely different thing. I have seen both of my wife's sisters have in-house separations that lasted for years. To me the whole idea is ridiculous. My wife wanted to stay in our home while she prepared her new place with her new bf. It could have taken months. I said no. I'm not watching you leave me again every day for months ( and that's exactly what it would have amounted to).
Hmmm? The only way she can move back into what I assume is half her house is that if she does as YOU want? So, it is both of your house, but, the relationship is yours? It seems to me that she is working on the relationship, the first step being the fact that she is willing to be nearer to you so that she can actually reevaluate the situation. To know for sure if she can live with you. Does not seem to be question of love, but rather, more of a question as to whether the two of you can live together. I love my ex dearly, but could never live with her!
It seems that you were on the fence on this, but now others have convinced you to be forceful, and while they may be giving the correct advise for this particular situation, it seems to me that you have a different gut feeling about it. I say that you should use your gut feeling, because in the end, you know ALL of the details, some of which you did not give us. Maybe she moved out because of your unwillingness to listen or understand her? Ask yourself if it could have been because of YOU that she moved out?
My wife came to me and told me she wasn't happy anymore. For the sake of the kids, we tried an in-home separation for three months. It was hell. I was suspicious of everything. I was constantly looking for hope in something she would say or do. Then, as quickly, I would dive into depression based on something she wouldn't say or do. I wanted to constantly talk about our relationship, which wasn't healthy and just served to push her further away. Even when I wasn't trying to, she would say something to me, I would get emotional, and, of course, we would have the same circular talk that would get her to the point of saying she wanted a divorce. She would have been perfectly comfortable with us living in the same house, but not sharing a bed and not talking about us, just the kids and finances. I couldn't do it anymore. We finally agreed for me to move into my own apartment. I hope it will help. It's only been a week now, and so far I'm still not feeling that there is any hope for us. I think she's given up on the marriage.
So, the upshot of my response, is if she's willing to work on the marriage and is actively committed to working on it (Marriage counseling, regular communication between the two of you), I think an in-home thing could work. If she's not, I wouldn't recommend it.
Yes, we share the house, we don't have any kids. I am certainly not expecting that the relationship is only 'mine', that is likely a large part of the reason of why we are in this situation. Did she leave because of me? Probably, but if she truly loved me, wouldn't she try everything to make it work? I do want her to move back in, more than anything in the world, but I also want to heal, and change myself. If her presence is going to impede that because she doesn't want to work on the relationship, then is that really best for both of us?
I sent her a message that i think its best that she only come back if she wants to work on the relationship. She replied that she's sorry, but she can't stay at her sisters anymore, and right now she has nowhere else to go. She says she needs her own space back.
I don't know if it was the right choice yet, but I said that's okay, we'll set up some ground rules, and we'll try to make it work. I really don't want to leave the house, because if worst case scenario, we do split, I really don't want to lose the house. She is the one who left.....
I guess i am still dealing with that anger, and I am still trying to figure out how to get past the fact that she just gave up. (and that i may have driven her to that?)
She is supposed to come back tonight, so I'll let you know how it goes, I am sure I'll need the support....