Husband talks non stop crap about my family
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Old 07-10-2011, 03:26 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband talks non stop crap about my family

Me: female 30; husband, 34. Married 9 years, together for 11.

I just kicked my husband out of the house about 30 minutes ago. He constantly talks crap about my family, and today was the worst.

We live in my parents house. Over a year and a half ago my parents were struggling to keep afloat and were losing their home. We moved in (we were living by ourselves in an apartment) to help with half the rent and utilities; we, at that time, also lived paycheck to paycheck and couldn't offer outright assistance. This was the best that we could do.
For many years when my parents were better off, they often helped us financially. Especially in the first 5 years. They lent us money whenever needed, but my husband fails to see that now.

I was laid off from my job over a year ago and have been unemployed ever since. This is also a constant battle. I have to ask for permission to buy an $8 shirt and when my husband and I fight, I hear about the things that he has bought and will take away if I leave him.

Six months ago, my brother, his wife and his 4 children packed into the home. They couldn't afford an apartment. They have not paid a dime of rent or utilities while they have been here. When approached recently by my mom to pay 1/3 of the utilities at least, my brother freaked and started to make allegations of me talking bad about my parents. He also refused to pay 1/3 of the utilities and said my husband and I need to pick up the slack around the house and he won't pay his share until we do. Apparently, my brother throwing the trash once a week has gotten to his also unemployed butt.
Obviously, my husband and I were furious. A big fight between everyone ensued. My bro and his family moved out, only to move back one week later.

Now here we are, in the pickle we are in.

We help my parents financially sometimes, but they always pay us back. We keep track of the bills; when I pay them, I keep a tally and keep my mom updated, to make sure we don't start paying their bills (per my husbands request, after his constant asking "you're not paying their bills, are you? How do you keep track").
My husband constantly claims that he's tired of helping my parents financially. I feel awful and stuck in the middle. They are my parents and I love them but I'm not working, just my husband, and they always pay us back. I also can see my husband's side. We aren't well off right now and it's difficult to say "no".

My husband constantly talks crap about my brother. This doesn't really piss me off, because I've seen how bad he's acted. When it comes to my parents, however, I can only hear so much.
If my parents give our nieces and nephews money, my husband talks crap. If they go out to eat for a small meal, he talks crap. If they fail to match a bill, he talks crap. If my dad takes one day out of a month to do something he loves to do, go golfing, he talks crap. Non-stop crap talking when he's home. I can only take so much. I will literally tell him I've heard enough and I'm going to have to cut him off (kind of like a bartender).

Tonight, after a day full of fighting over his non-stop crap talk, he told me very aggressively that he was tired of helping my parents out. When I reminded him that they always pay us back, and they did the same for us when we were hurting (and we never paid them back), he just refuses to listen.

I told him earlier, that I'm giving him what he wants and told him to get out. He then told me he'd shut up and sleep on the floor but after hours of my day being spent hearing nothing but negativity, I just couldn't take it anymore.

On top of that, 3 months ago, I found out that he had visited an old high school girlfriend at her work a few times...a big no no in our relationship. He lied about it even after being caught. Even though everyone in my family suspects that he was lying about even more stuff, they welcomed him back with open arms.

Has anyone else dealt with this? I don't know how much more I can take. I hate being in the middle. I'm really happy now that he's gone but still feel a bit conflicted.

Last edited by constant_ache; 07-10-2011 at 06:29 AM.
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Old 07-10-2011, 03:41 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband talks non stop crap about my family

Slightly off the topic I am complaining about, in 2009 my husband had been acting funny. One month I got his cell phone bill and saw many hits for adult site downloads. Not major porn, more like playboy stuff. I went back and saw that in 3 months, he had spent around 20 hours looking at this stuff on his phone, often during work. It infuriated me to find this, because during the last month of him doing this at work, he had demoted himself at his job because he was so stressed out. Well I assume devoting 20 hours over a course of 3 months doesn't help your job performance either.

We got over that, he promised to be honest with me from now on.

3 months ago, he started to get facebook requests and messages from a girl he liked in high school. They NEVER dated.
I have the password to his facebook, so I knew that he wasn't responding to her requests or messages. Finally, she sent one that admitted that he had visited her 2 or 3 times at her office. I confronted my husband about this and he denied it.
He actually got angry with me for waking him up about this. Then he blamed my imagination.

Eventually he fessed up and admitted they talked about high school and why didn't she ever have feelings for him in high school.

Apparently, he had ran into her while out and about at work. She told him where she worked and the next week he showed up unannounced to speak to her. I eventually spoke to her and she said that he was a perfect gentleman and that he looked like he was very troubled about their past (or lack thereof) and it must have been a weight lifted off of his chest because he seemed very upset. They ran into each other one or two more times and just spoke for a few minutes.

My husband says that the reason he visited her, is because when he ran into her, he was afraid that she would try and contact him more after that, so he felt that by telling her that he was married, it would put the kibosh on that. Whatever. He said that during their talks, he felt he needed closure and admitted to her he had feelings for her in high school.

Funny that he would think visiting an old flame is okay, because my husband refuses to even say the names of my exes. Doesn't matter that he isn't talking about them, but if I dated a guy named Alex, he won't say the name Alex, even if he's a co-worker.
On top of that, whenever things get heated, he tells me that I just want to leave so I can date other people. When I tell him no, it isn't for that, he often says "even if we were separated, if you dated someone else, you'd be nothing but a disgusting *****."
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Old 07-10-2011, 06:14 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Slightly off the topic I am complaining about, in 2009 my husband had been acting funny. One month I got his cell phone bill and saw many hits for adult site downloads. Not major porn, more like playboy stuff. I went back and saw that in 3 months, he had spent around 20 hours looking at this stuff on his phone, often during work. It infuriated me to find this, because during the last month of him doing this at work, he had demoted himself at his job because he was so stressed out. Well I assume devoting 20 hours over a course of 3 months doesn't help your job performance either.

We got over that, he promised to be honest with me from now on.

3 months ago, he started to get facebook requests and messages from a girl he liked in high school. They NEVER dated.
I have the password to his facebook, so I knew that he wasn't responding to her requests or messages. Finally, she sent one that admitted that he had visited her 2 or 3 times at her office. I confronted my husband about this and he denied it.
He actually got angry with me for waking him up about this. Then he blamed my imagination.

Eventually he fessed up and admitted they talked about high school and why didn't she ever have feelings for him in high school.

Apparently, he had ran into her while out and about at work. She told him where she worked and the next week he showed up unannounced to speak to her. I eventually spoke to her and she said that he was a perfect gentleman and that he looked like he was very troubled about their past (or lack thereof) and it must have been a weight lifted off of his chest because he seemed very upset. They ran into each other one or two more times and just spoke for a few minutes.

My husband says that the reason he visited her, is because when he ran into her, he was afraid that she would try and contact him more after that, so he felt that by telling her that he was married, it would put the kibosh on that. Whatever. He said that during their talks, he felt he needed closure and admitted to her he had feelings for her in high school.

Funny that he would think visiting an old flame is okay, because my husband refuses to even say the names of my exes. Doesn't matter that he isn't talking about them, but if I dated a guy named Alex, he won't say the name Alex, even if he's a co-worker.
On top of that, whenever things get heated, he tells me that I just want to leave so I can date other people. When I tell him no, it isn't for that, he often says "even if we were separated, if you dated someone else, you'd be nothing but a disgusting *****."
You're living in their home for free and any help you give is considered a loan and they pay YOU back?
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Old 07-10-2011, 06:25 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband talks non stop crap about my family

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You're living in their home for free and any help you give is considered a loan and they pay YOU back?
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No, about a year and a half ago my parents were having money problems and were on the verge of losing their home. Being that my husband and I were only renting our apartment, and could not lend them the $10K+ they needed to get caught up on mortgage payments, they asked if we could move in for a while. We split the mortgage and the utilities. This they do not pay back to us.
My brother, his wife, and their brood are currently living in the home, rent and utility free.
We sometimes lend my parents money aside from any mortgage/utility payments, that they pay back at a later date. It is this that my husband is always pissed off about, and because he lends them the money, he feels he has the right to criticize their every move. This goes on non-stop.
I get venting, but the constant **** talking about my own parents is driving me insane.
My husband has a problem that we're paying for my brother and his wife to live there scott free, and I get that, it's just the relentless negativity and hostility towards my parents that aggravates me to no end.

Last edited by constant_ache; 07-10-2011 at 06:31 AM.
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Old 07-10-2011, 08:44 AM   #5 (permalink)
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No, about a year and a half ago my parents were having money problems and were on the verge of losing their home. Being that my husband and I were only renting our apartment, and could not lend them the $10K+ they needed to get caught up on mortgage payments, they asked if we could move in for a while. We split the mortgage and the utilities. This they do not pay back to us.
My brother, his wife, and their brood are currently living in the home, rent and utility free.
We sometimes lend my parents money aside from any mortgage/utility payments, that they pay back at a later date. It is this that my husband is always pissed off about, and because he lends them the money, he feels he has the right to criticize their every move. This goes on non-stop.
I get venting, but the constant **** talking about my own parents is driving me insane.
My husband has a problem that we're paying for my brother and his wife to live there scott free, and I get that, it's just the relentless negativity and hostility towards my parents that aggravates me to no end.
I get it now for awhile I couldn't believe that your H could be so selfish. My H is like that too - gets a burr in his butt and is relentless in his comments, etc. Like Chinese water torture. Firstly that many people in the house has to be stressful. Why doesn't your brother pay? If he chipped in (half on utilities would almost be more fair - 4 of them - 4 of you), then everyone gets a financial break and should be able to get back on their feet. Your H keeps bringing it up because it isn't solved. It isn't fair and something needs to be done. If your parents won't ask them for money, then maybe it's time for you guys to go and your parents can carry your brother and his family til they're bankrupt.
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Old 07-10-2011, 11:27 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband talks non stop crap about my family

How long have you been at your parents now? For 1.5 years, or is that just when they started having trouble? And you and your husband don't have kids?

Personally, I can't imagine living in a situation like that for more than a week. That many people, crammed into one house... Unless I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, I'd be as frustrated as your husband seems. And if my parents-in-law were refusing to hold the freeloading brother in law accountable, while that clan makes my life more miserable, that would simply increase my frustration level. Is your brother or his wife working, BTW? Out of 6 adults, how many are bringing in an income?

Anyway, I would also be concerned about your husband at least being open to looking for an escape, even if he's not actually cheating on you yet. Even though there's no justification for cheating, I'd be looking for some way to get out. Sorry, but that's the way I'd feel.

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Old 07-10-2011, 12:15 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband talks non stop crap about my family

He's negative and hostile because he doesn't see an end to it.
He knows your parents helped you out financially he didn't forget, he's just sick of living in the same situation. I would be too. I would also probably bring it up for argument whenever something involving money came up.
For his negativity to end there needs to be some definitive moment that the situation you are in is going to stop. He needs to know that things aren't going to be this way forever.

As for the high school thing I find that totally weird. If he needed closure, he needed closure but he should have been honest about it. I know once H and I divorce years down the road if I'm in another relationship and I see him, I will probably go talk to him to get some kind of closure. It's just human nature and the fact that I'm still in love with my husband.

So why are you on the Going through separation and divorce forum? Are you two going to be officially separated or getting a divorce? I thought you meant you just kicked him out for a week.
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Old 07-10-2011, 02:02 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband talks non stop crap about my family

GolferGirl, unfortunately that is already happening (my parents having to file for bankruptcy- they've taken out too many loans for my brother that they had to struggle to pay back).

I'm sorry, I probably should have posted in the "Considering divorce or separation" section, I see that now. My apologies.

We've been here for 1.5 years, the exact amount of time my parents began having problems. My father is the only one that works, my mother ran out of her disability a while ago and is trying to appeal her denial for long term disability with the social security office.

No, no children.

Isn't the high school thing weird, Caughtdreaming? It was hard for me to get over this because I don't get having to have closure with someone you didn't even date. A contributing factor to this though, might be that my husband only had 1 girlfriend before, and that was when he was 22. The only significant member of the opposite sex from his youth, was that girl. It is still hard for me to wrap my mind around it.

PBear, out of 6 adults, only 3 work. My husband, my father, and brothers wife. This is another point of contention for him and I. I've been out of work for over a year and desperately want to find something and look every single day, my job is to find a job, but he has so many constraints to what I can get, it's crazy. In this economy, employers don't want to hear when you CAN'T work, they just want to hear when you can. My husband does not want me working with too many men, he does not want me working on the weekends, he does not want me working too much in the evening, he does not want me working with homeless people (they were hiring for a P/T teacher at a local homeless shelter, I sooo wanted that job- in part, I love to help my community). You get the point. I feel kind of damned if you do (look for a job be he doesn't like it), damned if I don't (don't have a job and he's constantly pointing out what he buys).

I feel like a child when I have to call for permission to buy something. He also doesn't want me to go grocery shopping alone, even if it's to pick up something for dinner that we both agreed upon. He says he wants to go to the grocery store with me (yes, let's go to the store at 5:30 pm when you get out of work, when the stores are insanely busy here. Perfect.).

As far as seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, we've already both made the decision to move out. My parents are going to have to deal with how to proceed with brother living here rent free. Yesterday, my mother told me that they're just thinking of letting their home go into foreclosure because if they still have the house, my brother will always try and come back. He also uses his kids against my parents, which in turn, makes my parents feel guilty.
It's a bad cycle, always repeating.

So, we've been looking at places and have a goal of moving out August 1st. That was discussed when there was the huge family blowout here in May or June. We agreed to stay here in my parents home until August, to help with the light bill that can get up to $600-$700 very easily.

I understand my husbands frustration, but for now, we are getting all of our affairs in order. We are saving up money for first month/deposits/new furniture and less than a month away from moving. We are also paying all of our bills down here at my parents, I don't want to leave and have bills to pay at both places.

If he vented once in a while, it would be okay, but it's constant.

Apart of me is even afraid of being alone in an apartment or house with my husband. He constantly complains or is extremely bitter about something. It's just his nature. What I cannot tolerate are all his rules, and his "what if conversations" pertaining to our home.
"What if people come over and are here for hours?" - he's talking about ANY of my family or friends visiting.
"What if they come over 2 days in a row" - still, my family/friends.
"What if their kids make a mess, who cleans it up?" -same topic, still.
"What if I'm unhappy because too many people are here all the time?" and we will actually have a conversation for something that hasn't even happened yet, for hours.
I hate it. For all the years him and I alone were together alone in a house or apartment, people RARELY visited us because when they did, he'd be unhappy and start a fight. After our first year of being together, I don't think I had one visitor. If someone came to pick me up to go out to dinner or shopping, they'd honk and wait outside if he was home.

Now that we're going to move out, we're having those kind of talks again. I told him I'm not having "what if" conversations about things that NEVER even happened. Then he ends up being bitter and holding in his feelings.

Last edited by constant_ache; 07-10-2011 at 02:06 PM.
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