separation/divorce

marika906 · 07-12-2011, 03:51 PM

My husband of almost 5 yrs, together 8, asked for a divorce about a month ago. Came as a complete shock to me! He told me one night in bed. He said he never really loved me and there was always something missing. We have 2 young children together, 3 and 5, and I wanted to try and work things out. Well, come to find out, he had been talking to a women on the phone, who by the way is married, for almost a month before he asked for the divorce. I found the number on our cell records and confronted him a number of times, each time him denying it. Finally, I heard from another person that he was talking to a girl, and confronted him once more and he admitted it. He told me she had also asked her husband for a divorce around the same time. It's all kind of fishy to me, he says they are just friends and that they are talking because they are going through the same thing. Her husband contacted me and said she admitted that her and my husband kissed while she was visiting,she lives in another state. Once again, confronted my husband about that and he admitted that they just kissed but stopped because they knew it was wrong. He swears up and down that there is nothing else going on but, my gut is telling me something else. I'm at a loss as to what to do now. Do I just let him go without fighting for my husband? I realize that I was doing things that drove him to talk to her, I want to give this a chance but he is so angry and cold to me, he is just willing to give up. Any advice would be great!

sadmama · 07-12-2011, 04:02 PM

It's hard to answer your question - a year ago I would have never told someone to "give up" on their spouse in a situation like this. Marriage is supposed to be forever and I fought and fought and the more I fought the harder he pulled away. I wish I could say that once I let go he came back, but I can't. It's been over a year since my husband told he he really wanted out - also a complete surprise to me, and I have come a LONG way since then - a year ago this weekend is when he stopped pretending to work on things and said he was leaving. So my advice would be don't give up on him, but let him go because the harder you hold on the harder he may pull away. Don't blame yourself for everything (always easier said than done). Just focus on yourself and the kids and try and figure out what you want - and what you can forgive and live with.

marika906 · 07-12-2011, 04:07 PM

I really want to work on my marriage. I have suggested marriage counseling to him, so has his mother, and he has shot it down. He's very closed off to anything that would involve him showing his feelings. I'm seriously considering going to counseling myself and go from there. Me and the kids have moved out. I've also suggested that we start over, get to know each other again, date even. I don't want to give up on my family so easily like he is. He seems like a totally different person since this happened, even our friends have said that. So I don't know if there is something else going on with him that he doesn't want to talk about. I wish he would just stop with this other women, and focus on our problems, situation right now. We are young, 28 and 27, I thought we would be together forever.

sadmama · 07-12-2011, 04:30 PM

I am so amazed everyday at how many other people are in such similar situations. A lot of that is how I was - he walked out one night and said he wasn't coming back, then the next day came back and said we could try marriage counseling, but then wouldn't really participate and gave up quickly on the counselor - he was just "covering his bases" so that other people would not blame him, because he "tried".

Everyone commented on his change in behavior - his mom even called me and asked if it was a mid-life crisis (we're not that much older than you) or something. I kept saying that there was something else he didn't want to admit to or something that had happened but he just denied it.

I started seeing a counselor on my own and she recommended the book "Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work" and it was good (Author's last name is Gottman), but I think by that point it was too late - he had checked out.

I didn't want to tell anybody that there were any problems, let alone the seriousness of it. I didn't want the kids to know anything either, I just thought that once people knew, once the kids knew, it would be real and irreversible.

Jellybeans · 07-12-2011, 05:11 PM

The absolute worst thing u can do is beg him. The affair has probably been happening for awhile. If u know the husband tell him but do it without warning ur husband or the other woman. Because if u do it gives them time to get their story straight. Copy and paste ur story in the Coping w infidelity thread so u can get more responses.
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blownaway · 07-13-2011, 07:01 PM

Your story sounds very similar to mine. While we are much older (he's 45 and I'm 40), we were together for a long time and have two small children. STBXH's personality seemed to change overnight. I believe he did have a significant MLC, but he was also hiding a whole lot more. His announcement that he didn't want to be married anymore came completely out of the blue and knocked me right off my feet. I could have never imagined this happening to us. Our M wasn't perfect, but we certainly didn't have a toxic relationship. We were very close, enjoyed each other's company a lot, laughed a lot and loved our kids. Now he says he loves me but is not in love with me.

Of course it's another woman. I asked a million times and he denied until he was blue in the face. He sat on the fence, ate cake and the whole thing blew wide open only when my best friend's sister spotted him out with the suspected OW. It was horrible.

I know exactly how you feel and it's an awful place to be. However, please do yourself a big favor and do get yourself to an IC. It will help you a lot. It will help you to understand your H's mindset in how he could do this and how he could turn so cold seemingly overnight. Then, read up on the 180/NC and start doing it. You have to for your own sanity and your own emotional health.

Your H may come around one day and realize what a mistake he's made. But, you can't sit in limbo and wait for that day. You have to take care of yourself and your kids and let him twist in the wind if that's what he wants. So, in answer to your question - yes, let him go without a fight. It's only a fight if you are both involved in the battle. He does not want to engage so you're only fighting against yourself. Don't do that.

Be kind to yourself and take baby steps along this awful journey. I'm really sorry you find yourself in the same boat as the rest of us.

MyTwoGirls · 07-13-2011, 08:41 PM

Once you read many post here you will find yourself knowing there is an affair going on..when I first came on here I never ever believed it possible..but alas it was true..we are always the last to know or believe..another thing is, once you reflect on your relationship and I mean honest reflection, you will see it really wasn't a total surprise..it doesn't make things easier but it will help when you go throught the process of rebuilding yourself

vivea · 07-13-2011, 11:58 PM

Yep same horror happened to me ,the difference is that I found out(he told me) 5 months later.The whole time I thought he was alone " soul searching " .I've asked him million times and every time he would deny and even yell at me for even asking him that,he denied they were more than friends .
Now i found out he was in a serious relationship with her month before he told me he wants out.They were calling eachother "baby" by the time he told me he wants to separate from me .They both denied that they had sex but I do not believe it and at that point I honestly don't care.
He has left me with 2 young children and treated me really bad since the moment he left me.I thought it is my fault for months and I now realize it is NOT ,he is damaged.
I suggest you do not chase him,that is what I did and it didn't do a thing for me...it actually hurt me more.
He lied to her and lied to me,now she is not with him...from what i hear..and good for her if that's the case BUT he still doesn't want to be with me.Once they pull out from the family life it's over.
We are in a process of a divorce now!
He was the love of my life and i loved him more than anything in this world and wanted us to work and was ready to forgive the unforgivable BUT he cared less about it.He's turned into a completely different person .
I can promise you one thing though, time heals...I didn't believe at 1st but it really does..I'm in a good place right now and will never want him back,ever again!
HUGS

Sparkles422 · 07-14-2011, 05:34 AM

Yep happened to me. An EA from FB from years (I mean 50 years ago). He left constantly on new cycle for these 2 wk long jaunts.

Anyway, admitted EA one day and the next morning disavowed it saying he said admission because (get this) I wanted to hear he was having an EA. Right! I wanted to hear that the person I loved and trusted was being deceitful and dishonest and discussing me.

Guess what, 4 months later (no grass growing under my feet) I will be divorced in 5 days. I didn't beg, plead or demean myself. That wasn't too hard what was the hardest was the PAIN! All he did was run away because of his ED episode. I am to blame for everything in his mind. I'm not and neither will I own that. 50/50 buddy.

It does get better. Funny enough everytime I turn around I have another crisis to handle. Crash course in faith.

I am sorry to say this but if it were me: I wouldn't trust what he is saying. And that was what decided me; I could never trust this person again. But that was me.

MyTwoGirls · 07-14-2011, 11:50 PM

Vivea after reading your comment it is exactly how my separation started, I asked constantly and the answer was always "there is no one else" but there was AND before she asked for time apart..like you they had nicknames they used in there text..it really almost destroyed me emotionally the deeper I probed but I figured out in time is it really worth me finding out all the details?..what would have changed?..the fact was they were 'hooking' up and how they got there didn't matter..even 16 months later and a divorce I still find myself wanting to dwell on how and why but I pull myself back..I still sometimes think how and why but I will never get an honest answer..I'm sure next year and the year after it will all be a faint memory to me (at least I hope).

vivea · 07-15-2011, 12:05 PM

MyTwoGirls..yes I found his prepaid phone and couldn't believe my eyes when i saw that he was texting her and me at the same time the same sweet things.
It was devastating to me to see that they were talking to each other the exact same way we were.Pure horror,I cried for days after that.Like you i still think how it is possible and how they jmet and what happened....i even asked him when i found the texts but he said he won't tell me until the divorce is final...i will not want to know more...don't need more...my brain has enough to deal with ...preffer to wonder rather than know for sure...i wish i didn't see the texts....i really believed that they had a friendship at first and i could deal with that idea but when i saw that she asked him "what do you want for Christmas" and his answer was "you with a bow" ...that was too much for my already destroyed heart...demons are chasing me after these texts...they probably help me overcome the love that I have for him but I pay a huge price for that after seeing the texts.Plus i found a picture of them eating dinner together at his place all happy and him groomed and having my candles on their table candles I bought for us.....devastating

MyTwoGirls · 07-15-2011, 04:13 PM

Vivea I truly am sorry you have to go through this and so is everyone who is or has gone through it. I am glad I have not seen any pictures like you have although I GLANCED at several love letters I 'accidentally' saw..there are definitely better days ahead!!