control. she has no control. money. you were able to take her control away in one fell swoop. by cancelling direct deposit.
she hates herself for "all she has gone through" because she feels like she took steps to control her environment and those steps didn't work.
i saw an episode of "House" once where the lady that the main character was pursuing was breaking up with him. she made a statement about the reason she was leaving him. she said "because that's the only part of this relationship i can control." or something to that effect. it really woke me up. maybe that applies here.
thanks voivod,
she has always been very controlling and now threatening to take my girls out of state if i make her sell the house is another way of trying to control me. it was all her idea that I leave the direct deposit in place for this month. but when she didnt offer any of "my money" i canceled it and it pissed her off.
I have not decided what to do about the house.. its still to soon to force the issue but i'm thinking of calling her bluff. i dont know if the example implies but I wanted to have hope that she would come around... but her hatred is so imbedded now i dont know if i could ever break it lose.
IMO, there's something else fueling her sudden wrath. It just doesn't sound like depression.
As for your girls, has your wife even considered for a minute what taking their father away from them will do to them??? She's punishing them by threatening that.
Since trust seems to be going out the window pretty quickly, is there a way you can find the source of her anger? Could it be that she complained for years and you weren't in tune or has she never said anything until now? If the last couple of months is truly the first time all these issues have arisen, why didn't she bring any of it up before now? You are her scapegoat if that's the case. She's says there's no one else, but I'm beginning to wonder. Something doesn't add up with her.
__________________
--M22
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud..... it always perseveres.
I agree with mommy22 here. I think there is more to the story than you are telling us. I am sorry to hear things are not going well, but no one just ups and leaves a 15 year relationship unless there is something else brewing. my opinion.
From a womans perspective....i noticed something you said that really bothered me... something along the lines of...i hope now she will see what SHE has done to our family...talking about when your daughter broke down crying....ok....my beef is that it sounds like you want to blame her when in fact it was the both of you that let it fail by not communicating. Is this telling us something about your personality?
Have you asked her what brought her to this desicion? And you also mentioned something about you changing and she doesnt believe you will actually change. This is a problem....what is it she expects you to change? do you know what it is? or is it a bunch of little things that have added up over the years?
As far as I know from research I have done..her threat is just that...a threat...she can not take your daughter out of state unless you as her father give the ok for her to do so. If she had sole custody she could, but not as long as the two of you share custody..dont let her trick you into thinking she can do that. If she continues to threaten that...call her out and threaten her back that she will be reported as kidnapping your daughter if she does that without your consent. It goes both ways. She will not be able to do that unless you let her!
If you did have conversations before about this..where you really listening and in tune with her to understand what she was saying? sounds like a major case of lack in communication.
I agree with mommy22 here. I think there is more to the story than you are telling us. I am sorry to hear things are not going well, but no one just ups and leaves a 15 year relationship unless there is something else brewing. my opinion.
From a womans perspective....i noticed something you said that really bothered me... something along the lines of...i hope now she will see what SHE has done to our family...talking about when your daughter broke down crying....ok....my beef is that it sounds like you want to blame her when in fact it was the both of you that let it fail by not communicating. Is this telling us something about your personality?
Have you asked her what brought her to this desicion? And you also mentioned something about you changing and she doesnt believe you will actually change. This is a problem....what is it she expects you to change? do you know what it is? or is it a bunch of little things that have added up over the years?
As far as I know from research I have done..her threat is just that...a threat...she can not take your daughter out of state unless you as her father give the ok for her to do so. If she had sole custody she could, but not as long as the two of you share custody..dont let her trick you into thinking she can do that. If she continues to threaten that...call her out and threaten her back that she will be reported as kidnapping your daughter if she does that without your consent. It goes both ways. She will not be able to do that unless you let her!
If you did have conversations before about this..where you really listening and in tune with her to understand what she was saying? sounds like a major case of lack in communication.
Good luck!
thanks...
there were chance that both of us could have communicated better.. i wasnt perfect and yes there were times when i could have done a better job of realy listening to her and just not hearing her. and no i dont want to blame her when in fact I know it took both of us to make this work or break it up. I guess i was meaning that she wouldnt even give it a chance before she bolted. And as for me getting help to change yes I started therapy to better myself and see why I didnt always listen like i should have and what made me happy. My whole life was revolved around my family. I never went out with friends hardly ever. My thing was coming home from work everyday taking the kids to there functions and making sure things around the house were taken care of.. She worked evening when i worked days and that made things difficult wewould see each otehr for a half hour before she would leave. there eas hardly ever any time for us we both put the kids first...
i admit there were communicating issue and i have tried not to blame her but in the same token SHE is the one that is baming me for all the mistake and shortcummings.....
there is no custody agrrement in place and she has been cooperative so far with visitation.... thanks for your response.......
IMO,
Since trust seems to be going out the window pretty quickly, is there a way you can find the source of her anger? Could it be that she complained for years and you weren't in tune or has she never said anything until now? .
I will admit that there were times when she confessed that I didnt always listen to her.. I would just hear her but thses didnt come up unti the last year or so.... I know it wasnt all my fault but her blaming me is her way of coping with it and making it easier for her to deal with IMO...... her anger is from me.. she said i was the reason that she wasnt happy about her life that she didnt want to live the rest of her life with me... She wanted to find someone whom she had things in common... she said all we had was our daughter.......
For the record, you know from pms that I'm in no way trying to make you feel like this was your fault, Skinman. I know you're heartbroken. I hate that you're going through this. My suggestion was more along the lines of getting to the bottom of her sudden outburst. Typically, people begin to show signs that they're burnt out on the marriage. Saying things like, "I don't how much longer I'm going to be able to do this if some things don't change." Hints are dropped and discussions take place. I can't figure out why she just.... lost it! You're still in my prayers!!!
__________________
--M22
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud..... it always perseveres.
For the record, you know from pms that I'm in no way trying to make you feel like this was your fault, Skinman. I know you're heartbroken. I hate that you're going through this. My suggestion was more along the lines of getting to the bottom of her sudden outburst. Typically, people begin to show signs that they're burnt out on the marriage. Saying things like, "I don't how much longer I'm going to be able to do this if some things don't change." Hints are dropped and discussions take place. I can't figure out why she just.... lost it! You're still in my prayers!!!
thanks... she has self esteem issues really bad.. a few days before she asked me to move we had made an appoinmtent for 30,000$ worth of plastic surgery for her to feel better.. She was so happy and looking forward to doing this and i was supporting her..... guess glad we didnt do it now...
Skin, I feel for you man. I completely understand where your at. I have to tell you though, as I keep finding out a little bit more about myself everyday, that you and I are likely the cause of our wives despair and leaving. I know it's not what either of us want to hear but I am going to say it.
I kept/keep looking at what is wrong with her like I can fix it. I know she has had an EA with another person which is truely just a friendship. I found out and of course railed her for it. She just got back home last night after being away for 3 weeks and within 24 hours has enlightened me on how bad a person I have been to her. I expressed how much I've changed and how good I'm doing. She saw this and agreed but responded "that's great but its like a reformed drunk who is saying this after they killed someone while drunk driving". You see I killed my wifes spirit with my words and neglect. I have put her into such a broken state emotionally, that she has no outlet to cope with it, to the point that she is hollow as a person now. She says she is back home to "try" to work on this but that it may not be enough. Two years ago when we were driving back from TN after buying lotto tickets, she said to herself how much she wished we would win so she could leave. You see she has no where to go, no family to talk to or help, and is all alone. This last month was the first time she had the courage to walk away from us.
So now I am in utter turmoil inside as you likely are. I had kept grasping at straws trying to understand my wifes coping mechanisms like she just needed a tune up like a car. Yet, it isn't that. I've broken my wifes soul. Make a point to really dig deep, and find out what happened to her. She may be afraid to tell you because of the way you react (ME) and how badly she might be feeling from a form of abuse (ME) that we never thought we did or would have imagined doing to a person we love and cherish so deeply.
I wish you luck and hope everything works out in the end for you. Just dont go into this looking at her, look at you and figure out if you've dug deep enough to know everything.
Skin, I feel for you man. I completely understand where your at. I have to tell you though, as I keep finding out a little bit more about myself everyday, that you and I are likely the cause of our wives despair and leaving. I know it's not what either of us want to hear but I am going to say it.
I kept/keep looking at what is wrong with her like I can fix it. I know she has had an EA with another person which is truely just a friendship. I found out and of course railed her for it. She just got back home last night after being away for 3 weeks and within 24 hours has enlightened me on how bad a person I have been to her. I expressed how much I've changed and how good I'm doing. She saw this and agreed but responded "that's great but its like a reformed drunk who is saying this after they killed someone while drunk driving". You see I killed my wifes spirit with my words and neglect. I have put her into such a broken state emotionally, that she has no outlet to cope with it, to the point that she is hollow as a person now. She says she is back home to "try" to work on this but that it may not be enough. Two years ago when we were driving back from TN after buying lotto tickets, she said to herself how much she wished we would win so she could leave. You see she has no where to go, no family to talk to or help, and is all alone. This last month was the first time she had the courage to walk away from us.
So now I am in utter turmoil inside as you likely are. I had kept grasping at straws trying to understand my wifes coping mechanisms like she just needed a tune up like a car. Yet, it isn't that. I've broken my wifes soul. Make a point to really dig deep, and find out what happened to her. She may be afraid to tell you because of the way you react (ME) and how badly she might be feeling from a form of abuse (ME) that we never thought we did or would have imagined doing to a person we love and cherish so deeply.
I wish you luck and hope everything works out in the end for you. Just dont go into this looking at her, look at you and figure out if you've dug deep enough to know everything.
the comparison to a drunk driver is unfair, in my opinion. she can say that what you have done may not be able to be undone. that would be a fair statement.
also, please keep this in mind. reduce blame. you don't blame her, don't blame yourself. you keep referring to "fixing" her. you've already implied that you can't. but...
you CAN fix yourself!
nobody in these positions wants to hear " take care of yourself" because our thought process is "why? the only person that matters is her. she's the only one worth fixing myself for." but that's defeatist. if you are EVER going to be back in favor with her, you'd damned sure better be at your best.
jason and skin, i understand the pain you're suffering because i am/have suffered it too. and the suffering ain't done. focus your energies. that's what i mean by "don't give up."
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separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
.[/QUOTE]I wish you luck and hope everything works out in the end for you. Just dont go into this looking at her, look at you and figure out if you've dug deep enough to know everything.[/QUOTE]
Thanks Jason,
I wish you the best in your situation .. I do know that I am to blame for some of her feelings. there were times when i would get upset at her for not wanting to be intimate and I would pout and get bitter.. but then again she wasnt the most effectionate either.. so were both at fault to some point and i have forgiven myself for doing the best that i could at the time. Knowing now what i didnt then i would have done so much more to show her my love.. it does hurt to know that at one time I had a wife who loved me and would have done anything for me and I didnt show her the love she needed.. She even said last night that she hoped i would learn from these mistakes when i find someone else... I told her there wouldnt be anyone else.. I had my chance for happiness and blew it... why would i deserve another........
Good luck to you and thanks for the advice my Friend !!
I wish you luck to Skin. It's unfortunate that this happened the way it did for us. I doubt either of us would have imaginged this. Stay strong and I wish you the best!!
I wish you luck to Skin. It's unfortunate that this happened the way it did for us. I doubt either of us would have imaginged this. Stay strong and I wish you the best!!
thank you Jason,
you are so right my friend I never imagined that I would be in this situation. I thought I would grow old with my wife and experience so many thinsg that we dreamed fo and planned for our future..
Keep doing what you're doing! In my experience the best thing to do is what you're doing - act like you're doing well, like you're not as hurt as you are. Often times when we act a certain way, our feelings catch up with us. You'll always love her and if there is a reconciliation, you'll start off strong and confident, as opposed to weak and vulnerable. Whatever you do, don't get mushy!
Also, if there is a reconciliation, I have some very simple but helpful advice. Listen to her. Not as in take her orders, but as in listen to her thoughts and feelings. It sounds like the situation is very emotionally charged. Good luck, you sound like a really good guy and that's a lot.
Re: Should I give up ???
