thanks Voivod,
but its tough man.. I want so bad to contact her and I know thats not the right thing. I have been thinking abouther all morning with no luck of getting her out of my mind.... I know I still have time and I should play hard to get and act like I am fine but its so hard... The urge I have to contact is greater than the one to not..........
it gets worse, then it gets better. i saw my wife every day for the first several weeks of our "separation," (mostly it was her doing) then the first full day without seeing her was horrible. i remember the sun going down that evening, thinking what a tragic metaphor for what was happening.
later on, i read something by james dobson, i think, talking about how there are days when you are "together" that you scantly see your spouse. it made sense. how many days there were when i got up, showered, went to work, worked a long day, came home to an empty family room, had dinner and crawled into bed. didn't see my family all day.
so there have been, i think, 4 days, since i've spent any time with her. yeah, it's been tough, but it gets better, i promise.
that's why i asked you to stay connected with the forum. because when it is difficult to be apart for a day, you'll be temted to do things that might be detrimental to reconciling. i'm sure of it.
good luck.
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separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
thanks agian... I have been giving her space and letting her do all the contacting which seems to be more than the first ccouple of weeks.. I dont want to get my hopes up but it does feel good sometimes when she calls or emails........ Then again it also get my anxiety going to..... so you cant win for losing... I have been reading a lot about relationships... hoping that things might work out... its only been a month and who knows..... maybe in a month or 2 I wont even want anymore...
thanks again Voivod........ keep plugging away yourself my friend.....
Well today has been a struggle.... sleep didn't come easy last night with 2 dreams of my wife.. after these it was hard keeping her out of my mind.... Its been a month now since we broke up so many thoughts and feelings brought on by memories of things we did and will never get the chance to do...... I try and keep busy but thought of her always find their way back to me... Tonight is going to be another long night I can see it now...... Lord give me strength.....
I thought saturdays dreams were vivid... They compare nothing to last nights.... I have not been able to get the thoughts of my wife out of my mind... She haunts me even in my sleep.....thoughst of the past and futute that will never be with us together.. I have been healing slowly with a good day mixed in between the bad days.. hopefully soon the pain will subside and i can move forward to the life that I will lead...how do you stop the thoughts.. I am tired of crying at night when I am at my lonliest.. wondering if she has thoughts of me... wishing i knew what crosses her mind... does she think of the past ? is she still bitter and hatefull towards me... ? I dont know its these thoughts that occupy my day... When will it not matter what she thinks or does... When can i put thsi all behind me... please lord give me strength toight.......
Well I have just returned home from Thanksgiving dinner with my family.....I have to say it felt nice to be sitting at my table again with my wife across from me and my daughters to the side..... it felt like it always has... Confortable.. I had a pleasant time and it appeared my wife even loosened up and enjoyed herself.... I dont know what the future holds for me.... But today I was living in the past for what might turn out to be the last time.... Some of you advised against going today that it would send the wrong signal but honestly I have no regrets..... I made sure today that my wife saw the best part of me..... If she decides in the end that she still wants out I will gladly let her go knowing that I was blessed with this day and I can move forward like I have been...
It was sad when I left and my emotions got the best of me as I pulled off but i was proud of the fact that I held it together while with my wife.....She saw someone who was happy and in control of his life and not like the guy she is used to over the past month....
It even seemed for a moment that she wanted to hug me as I left.... She didnt but I know in my heart she was thinking about it..... Today I am Thankfull for being alive and the possibilities of what lies ahead of me with my future...... The possibilities are endless
It was sad when I left and my emotions got the best of me as I pulled off but i was proud of the fact that I held it together while with my wife.....She saw someone who was happy and in control of his life and not like the guy she is used to over the past month....
It even seemed for a moment that she wanted to hug me as I left.... She didnt but I know in my heart she was thinking about it..... Today I am Thankfull for being alive and the possibilities of what lies ahead of me with my future...... The possibilities are endless
sounds like things went as well as you could have hoped for. your optimism is so awesome. it's not easy at this point to keep emotions in check. as you drive away you feel pretty empty, but remember the good time you had moments ago, and when you got the feeling that she wanted to hug you. and the fact that she invited you. good stuff. relax and enjoy the rest of the weekend. and don't have any expectations. things will be okay.
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separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
sounds like things went as well as you could have hoped for. your optimism is so awesome. it's not easy at this point to keep emotions in check. as you drive away you feel pretty empty, but remember the good time you had moments ago, and when you got the feeling that she wanted to hug you. and the fact that she invited you. good stuff. relax and enjoy the rest of the weekend. and don't have any expectations. things will be okay.
thanks voivod,
now things have me wondering if this was indeed the "last Supper" as a family that I will be able to enjoy...it was hard leaving and the empty feeling you wrote of is so present now I cant quit thinking about everything that is going on and how things changed so fast in my life. I am trying to be optimistic but today I am finiding it very difficult... It felt so right being home yesterday again... enjoying each others company and laughing and all......... Its hard now being alone knowing that they will all be out shopping today as I sit here typing away
wondering whther or not she will think of me today.... I am wondering now If going was the right decision I feel like I have regressed some in my progress.... the dreams returned again last night with a vengeance.. so real and vivid I cant stop thinking about them...
now things have me wondering if this was indeed the "last Supper" as a family that I will be able to enjoy...it was hard leaving and the empty feeling you wrote of is so present now I cant quit thinking about everything that is going on and how things changed so fast in my life. I am trying to be optimistic but today I am finiding it very difficult... It felt so right being home yesterday again... enjoying each others company and laughing and all......... Its hard now being alone knowing that they will all be out shopping today as I sit here typing away
wondering whther or not she will think of me today.... I am wondering now If going was the right decision I feel like I have regressed some in my progress.... the dreams returned again last night with a vengeance.. so real and vivid I cant stop thinking about them...
okay skin...
first and foremost...your thought of whether you should have gone over there yesterday or not...those thoughts are somewhat selfish...the answer is of course yes, you should have gone...for your daughter at least...regardless of your dreams...they would have gone shopping anyway...and you will think about them i hope..that should not stop...combine your thought of them and your dreams at night...consider that your mind giving you therapy...something to deal with...and your waking hours are yours...finding yourself alone needing to find something productive to occupy your time is going to be difficult, but you must...because it will make you a better person..and your family needs a better person...so use that time...the time when you are most lonely...to help yourself...and help them...by becoming something better...by finding what you can be in those times...does that make sense?
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separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
first and foremost...your thought of whether you should have gone over there yesterday or not...those thoughts are somewhat selfish...the answer is of course yes, you should have gone...for your daughter at least...regardless of your dreams...they would have gone shopping anyway...and you will think about them i hope..that should not stop...combine your thought of them and your dreams at night...consider that your mind giving you therapy...something to feal with...and your waking hours are yours...finding yourself alone needing to find something productive to occupy your time is going to be difficult, but you must...because it will make you a better person..and your family needs a better person...so use that time...the time when you are most lonely...to help yourself...and help them...by becoming something better...by finding what you can be in those times...does that make sense?
Yes and your right my thoughts were selfish and thats all they are is thoughts... no matter what happened yesterday I was going to be there.. no matter how hard it was I was going to do it for my girls... luckily it did turn out to be a nice day... I guess I should have taken your advice "No expectations" well to be honest I guess I did expect a little something...... what that something was I am not sure... I guess I still hold out hope Voivod that maybe she will start to miss me or second guess her decisions... I dont really know what I expect these days....... I do still have hope and after yesterday my hope is even stronger...Maybe I am grasping at something that isn't even there or hoping for nothing but i dont want to be the one who gave up on our marriage after all these years...
We even had a moment where we were talking about the prices of gas... I made the comment that I wish the prices were this cheap when we took our cross country trip this past summer..
I sais that it didnt matter that we still had a great time... she said yes we did and had a smile...
I dont now if she is just trying to make this all easier for me or actually might still feel a little something... I just dont know but you see where I am coming from...... like you I am determined to try and salvage my marriage even if i am the only one trying...
As I think you know from some of my threads, my wife and I have been separated for about 1 month and the divorce will likely be final in the next few weeks. I still love my wife dearly and my hope is and has always been that our home will be reunited. It has been about 10-11 months since my wife told me her love for me was dead. I give you that brief background only to let you know I am in a similar situation.
Now, on to the point I wish to make. It is okay to want your wife back. You love her and those feelings are only natural. But, you must find happiness and contentment that doesn't depend on her return. Continue to work on YOU. You can't continue being dependant on her for your happiness. I struggle with this too and its not always easy. Here is how I approach this all. I am moving on. I'm making improvements in my appearance, health, mental strength, etc. This is all taking some time (enough time for her to reconsider if that is going to happen). You can't just turn off those feelings and wake up one morning a new and free man. If she notices the changes and begins to reconsider her decisions, great, I'll welcome her back with open arms. But I can't just put my life on hold and wait for her to return knowing that it may never happen. I must control my life rather than the hope of her returning having all the control. I'm wholly convinced that as I continue taking control of my life that my love for her will fade and I'll be ready for another relationship. If she hasn't reconsidered by the time I get over her, then I highly doubt she ever will. So I no longer worry about a situation where I have severed all emotional ties to her and then she decides to come crawling back. You can not hold on to false hope. It won't do you any good. This guessing game you are playing about your wifes feelings for you or lack thereof is destructive. Focus on yourself, love your children, and take your life back. You'll be happy that you did.
Again, this isn't easy, but I believe it is a must. Your emotional status will get better. Trust me and the many others that have trod this same path. Best of luck to you and everyone else dealing with these issues.
Blind
P.S. I re-read your last post. You aren't the one giving up on your marriage. Your doing all you can. As you work through this process you'll begin to find comfort in knowing you've done all you could to save the marriage. But you can't be expected to continue this emotionally taxing endeavor forever without her also putting forth honest effort.
By working on yourself, you aren't giving up on your marriage. Your improving yourself which is something most of us need.
Also, please understand that my hope for all relationships (that don't involve abuse) is that they will work and that the couple will be happy together. I certainly hope that is the outcome for you and your wife. My best to you.
Blind gave some really good advice in terms of working on yourself while still holding out hope. I'm glad you haven't given up. Blind's right. Keep working on yourself and keep the hope. Let her be the one to throw in the towel. I've learned from past mistakes that I want to live my life with as few regrets as possible. Continue to pray for reconciliation, but keep living life each day. You sound a little better than you did. You've gotta make it through Christmas and New Year's and then it will be a little easier.
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--M22
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud..... it always perseveres.
As I think you know from some of my threads, my wife and I have been separated for about 1 month and the divorce will likely be final in the next few weeks. I still love my wife dearly and my hope is and has always been that our home will be reunited. It has been about 10-11 months since my wife told me her love for me was dead. I give you that brief background only to let you know I am in a similar situation.
Now, on to the point I wish to make. It is okay to want your wife back. You love her and those feelings are only natural. But, you must find happiness and contentment that doesn't depend on her return. Continue to work on YOU. You can't continue being dependant on her for your happiness. I struggle with this too and its not always easy. Here is how I approach this all. I am moving on. I'm making improvements in my appearance, health, mental strength, etc. This is all taking some time (enough time for her to reconsider if that is going to happen). You can't just turn off those feelings and wake up one morning a new and free man. If she notices the changes and begins to reconsider her decisions, great, I'll welcome her back with open arms. But I can't just put my life on hold and wait for her to return knowing that it may never happen. I must control my life rather than the hope of her returning having all the control. I'm wholly convinced that as I continue taking control of my life that my love for her will fade and I'll be ready for another relationship. If she hasn't reconsidered by the time I get over her, then I highly doubt she ever will. So I no longer worry about a situation where I have severed all emotional ties to her and then she decides to come crawling back. You can not hold on to false hope. It won't do you any good. This guessing game you are playing about your wifes feelings for you or lack thereof is destructive. Focus on yourself, love your children, and take your life back. You'll be happy that you did.
Again, this isn't easy, but I believe it is a must. Your emotional status will get better. Trust me and the many others that have trod this same path. Best of luck to you and everyone else dealing with these issues.
Blind
P.S. I re-read your last post. You aren't the one giving up on your marriage. Your doing all you can. As you work through this process you'll begin to find comfort in knowing you've done all you could to save the marriage. But you can't be expected to continue this emotionally taxing endeavor forever without her also putting forth honest effort.
By working on yourself, you aren't giving up on your marriage. Your improving yourself which is something most of us need.
Also, please understand that my hope for all relationships (that don't involve abuse) is that they will work and that the couple will be happy together. I certainly hope that is the outcome for you and your wife. My best to you.
thank you Blind for your response... and you are so right I do depend on my wife for my happiness.. I have tried to move forward an live my life for myself but its hard when all I have done for the past 15 years is make sure my family was takedn care of... I have no real friends... my family was my life I lived to give them a better life....after working all day I came home to them.... now I come home to myself... I am broken and have no hope of feeling better soon.... I have been reading many books on relationships and The Bible.. praying for strength to help me through this... it seems she gets stronger each day as I get weaker...... I know my hope is self destructive when she hasn't given me much to hope for...
I went out tonight with my brother and shot pool........... all I could think of was this table full of women my age thinking that soon that will be my wife sitting there waiting for some guy to vome and make her night...... how can you expect me to feel better knwoing that I did all I could to save my marriage when in fatc it was me who most likely got myself into this situation.....even though I didnt want it to end I had a big part in it...My wife hates me and has told me so many times since we split up....I have tried to forgive myself fpr doing the best that I knew how......... but honestly I dont know if I did........
I will continue to work on myself and come to grips with my shortcummings that lead to the faluire of my marriage...I hurt for my girls for what their mom an I have put them through......
Rarely can the blame for a failed marriage be placed on only one person. Of course you share some in this as did I. Look back at my thread in the divorcing forum. You'll need to forgive yourself. You didnt want this to happen. It isn't like you had at intentions of causing harm to the marriage. If you are reading the Bible you'll find many examples of how humans aren't perfect. We are going to make mistakes. What is important is that we learn from them. The relationship books are full of great knowledge but you might want to consider putting them away for a while. I just get the sense that you are surrounding yourself with all of this to the point that you struggle to find any peace. I know what I have suggested is much easier said than done. Buy your emotional stability needs you to step back from all of this. I believe your best chance at saving the marriage is to focus on your mental and physical health, and strengthening your character. No your not a bad guy. But you sound co-dependent on her to make you happy. That isn't healthy and isn't attractive. I realize I'm being fairly blunt. It took some very straight talking from a friend for me to understand all of this too. Your feeling sorry for yourself just as I did. You'll move past that and start feeling better. Listen to a song by Rascal Flatts called "I'm Movin' On" It sure helped me. Best of luck to you friend. This all hurts like hell, but you are closer to healing than you think.
Rarely can the blame for a failed marriage be placed on only one person. Of course you share some in this as did I. Look back at my thread in the divorcing forum. You'll need to forgive yourself. You didnt want this to happen. It isn't like you had at intentions of causing harm to the marriage. If you are reading the Bible you'll find many examples of how humans aren't perfect. We are going to make mistakes. What is important is that we learn from them. The relationship books are full of great knowledge but you might want to consider putting them away for a while. I just get the sense that you are surrounding yourself with all of this to the point that you struggle to find any peace. I know what I have suggested is much easier said than done. Buy your emotional stability needs you to step back from all of this. I believe your best chance at saving the marriage is to focus on your mental and physical health, and strengthening your character. No your not a bad guy. But you sound co-dependent on her to make you happy. That isn't healthy and isn't attractive. I realize I'm being fairly blunt. It took some very straight talking from a friend for me to understand all of this too. Your feeling sorry for yourself just as I did. You'll move past that and start feeling better. Listen to a song by Rascal Flatts called "I'm Movin' On" It sure helped me. Best of luck to you friend. This all hurts like hell, but you are closer to healing than you think.
Blind
Thank you Blind for being so blunt and you are absolutely correct.. I depended on my wife way to much.. her and my family were my life.. I had no real friends they were my friends and now that I dont have her it hurts like heck.... I saw her this morning when i picked up my daughter...... She didnt say one word to me so i didnt speak to her either... it hurts knowing I have dedicated my life to this woman to be treated the way she is.......
And you are right about the books and such I have read so much lately trying to see where I went wrong and what I can do to help my marriage... But like you say It has to be both of us trying... she no longer wishes to save it at this point... who knows I guess i do need to start taking better care of myself... the lord knows I havent been kately....... I have been stuck in "Why Me" mentality that is hard to break free from... I will try and take your advice and work on myself....
Its kind of hard to try and save my marriage when my wife wont even speak to me or talk about anything..... Should i continue to give her space ???? I fear that by not trying to work on things that it will give her more strength to feel that she doesn't need me or want me.... I guess I should just assume that she wont be back and move on with my life..... The thought of that hurts so bad.... All of my dreams and hopes are vanishing beforemy eyes...
You sound a little better than you did. You've gotta make it through Christmas and New Year's and then it will be a little easier.
thanks M22,
That is going to be a lot harder than you can imagine... christmas was always such a big event around my house with family stopping by and dinner together... I am not really in the spirit this year... we used to have the house that everyone would stop and admire... I had lights everywhere and to think that it will be dark this year is sad.... I know my wife wont be putting up the lights this year.. I dont even want to think about it at tis point... It hurts to know that most likely after my girls stop by xmas eve I will be alone again........
Re: Should I give up ???
