cbw83

Well it is over. She just thinks she needs a few years to be on her own and be truly free to pursue her goals. I really think she is making a big mistake. I have done nothing but support her in every way possible. I have made it clear she is free to travel, or even move to somewhere for a while to pursue her career. I am a big reason she is at in life where she is now, I have always been a solid supporter of her pursuits. I now fear without a truly positive light in her life, she is going to become lost.

She says she still loves me, and wants to be best friends, and hopes we can get back together after she has had her few years. I just don't know what to think. I think she is going to end up finding out what she was looking for she had all along and gave it away.

Anyways, we are both still committed to staying friendly with each other and having a smooth divorce and hoping each other the best. I just really wish she would have thought about this before marriage. I really think she is going to regret this in the future, I wish she had some other positive role model in her life to give her good advice at this point. But I have done all I can, and she has made her choice, all I can do is respect that.

I want to thank everyone again for all their advice and opinions, it was nice to have this place to let my feelings out.

justean

i admit to not loving my H at the moment. but hoping with effort and work , we might get their again. i admit to wanting space at times , which i think is important - well in my relationship n e way.
but a few years space is a different concept all together.
its important to talk and vent your feelings, better than being locked away.

magicsunset08

A few years? Sounds like a cop-out to me. No one can predict or even hope 3 years down the road. I hope things work out for both of you. Sounds like a cowardly break-up to me. Does not sound like someone worth waiting for. That's just me.

Amplexor

cbw83

So sorry to hear this. It is always sad to see a marriage end especially when one of the partners is willing to work at it. Her statement that she hopes in a few years you can get back together shows how much she still relies on you underneath. My best advice at this point is to proceed as cordially as possible through the divorce. Then let her go and move on. It is not fair of her to leave you hoping and hanging. If you do you will be in pain for years. Good luck

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

cbw83

That is exactly my plan. In a few years I hope I have meant someone else who is great, and can actually appreciate me fully, and not part time. I definitely won't be waiting around, life is too precious.

I just know though, that whenever she figures out she made a huge mistake, I am going to feel really bad for her, but I guess I just have to reason with myself and know that it is her mistake to make.

I am just so very confused though. You would think she would at least want more time to figure things out, or at least try to work together and still pursue her dreams. For whatever reason though, it seems somehow it has got implanted in her head that you can't succeed in your dreams while being married.

Blanca

I had this implanted in my head in the beginning of my relationship, too. I thought my H was holding me back. Then I talked to my mom and she straightened me out.

__________________


"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

cbw83

I wish my wife had someone with maturity and wisdom that could reason with her, but unfortunately there is just no one in her life to do that.

KyGuy

Man, this just sounds crazy to me.

If you were there for her, supportive of her goals and not holding her back, why wouldn't she want to be with you? It is so much better to go through life with a supportive partner than to go through life alone.

My wife is NOT supportive of my goals and that is one reason for the problems we're having.

Best of luck to you.

voivod

apparently that's just not that important to her. too bad, especially if she paid lip service to those things. children will do that.

__________________
separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.


4 kids g18, g12, g11, b7

happysong

Dear chw83 sounds like your wife had the perfect man that she is leaving for a dream that even she does not know of. What is her dream anyways and why can't she fulfill it while still being in a positive relationship? It's a fact that people in happy relationships are more successful than single people.

I agree with the people who say, she sounds like a cop-out. Feel sorry for her but mostly for you to have to go through this.

My suggestion: Move on with your life and never ever look back. Even if she decides to change her mind coz when she does and you are there for her, she will learn to see you for granted. You do not need to go through this ever again. Good Luck!

OptimisticPessimist

Oh cmon, thats a total copout. No woman leaves a man she loves insanely for a few DAYS let alone years.

Its all just an excuse because shes compensating for what she percieves to be weakness in you. Shes just not into you anymore- she wants the freedom to date other men- MANLY men. It is a constantly repeated theme where marriage takes the masculine pop out of a mans step, and he ends up working, drinking beer, watching TV, and asking for sex. When this happens and you lose the competitive edge you at one point had in her eyes against other men, you become sub-par and she becomes disinterested. All this "I need space" and "I need to focus on my career and not us" is just ambiguous wordplay that women often use to say "I dont want you" without all the force and sting. Think about what shes saying in her decision for instance: "I need to focus on my career and be away" == "I need a career because I dont think what you offer as a man will benefit me as much as money can, and I also want to be able to see other men."

It doesnt have to be this way. You cannot let the obligations of life remove your male passion or neuter your demeanor- you must continue to better yourself physically and intellectually, provide strong and sound advice for the direction of the family, and REFUSE TO WAGE WAR ON EMOTIONAL GROUNDS. Sure, talk about emotions freely and listen to her when she talks emotionally (all women do), but do not wage personal attacks in discussion, do not disrespect, keep a level head, and DEMAND that she observe the same boundaries in her behavior. Use your abilities to help her and yourself, etc.

If you study a little evolutionary biology, you will realize that ultimately women are attracted to confident, self-motivated, strong, take-no-nonsense, and attractive men. This provides them with a good source of genetic material for their offspring and it provides them with a capable provider/protector. To be loved as a man, you have to work at being a man.

Im truly sorry for the end of your relationship, but NOONE deserves to be strung along for a few years. You might even find once you hit the gym, gain some confidence, start widening social horizons, and start really appealing to your son as a MAN that your wife suddenly wants you back. If not (and by no means should you wait for her or advertise your accomplishments to her), plenty of other women will want to be your woman...

Im not giving you a hard time, though- Im just trying to be blunt and honest with you so that you clearly hear what Im trying to say. Many other men have suffered the same consequences, and unfortunately unlike women, us men tip-toe a fine line in todays society. Im not underplaying the reality of women's sufferage or that many women have been unfairly treated in the past (and present). Im merely saying that men of today are victims of mixed messages, and are downtrodden by society sending a firm message that masculinity is in essence worthless. Watch King of Queens, Everybody Loves Raymond, etc- they are all exaggerations of the the idea that men are crap and women are where its at. Men are told that masculine tendencies are brutish and crude, and they are told to suppress these tendencies in order to "embrace their feminine side" (as if the feminine side is superior). While this is the dominant public narrative of present society, it doesnt change the reality that women want MEN, not girls with testicles.

Women want men. Men want women. Women and men are both different and unique, and they both offer different things in perspective and in a relationship. If people could just try to better their male or female self, be truly giving, and EMBRACE the differences of the sexs, emasculation wouldnt deprive BOTH men and women of long-term fulfilling relationships.

AFEH

Sometimes it's a good thing to look at the date on the first post in a thread. The date on this one 11-14-2008. It ended on 11-17-2008. Not trying to be clever at all, but it seems "long dead".

Bob

OptimisticPessimist

Yup, sorry. Just looked at the date of the last post and hit reply. Should have paid attention...

AFEH

Your post is good, your thoughts a bit like mine.

Bob