5 months separated--no end in sight
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Going Through Divorce or Separation » 5 months separated--no end in sight

Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 07-29-2011, 11:44 AM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 3
Default 5 months separated--no end in sight

Good day to all of you,

My name is Mathias (not real) and I have been separated from my wife for 5 months. We have been married for 6 years and together for 11--all of our 20s and the better part of our 30s. The separation began at the suggestion of our marriage therapist, who also happens to be our individual therapist. At the time of the separation, my wife was considering moving away to Asia--just to escape. As I am employed and she is not, I moved out and got a place after staying with some friends for 2.5 months. I mention this because during that 2.5 months, I continually was "waiting" to get back together. Even now, I am waiting. Especially now. We continue to go to therapy individually and with our marriage therapist once a week. I feel profoundly alone and wanted some words of advice. Specifically: how do I let go? And is it possible to let go and still get back together?

It is clear to me that I need to let go in order to move forward, whether that is with her or not. Preferably with.

Our "official" troubles started with my confessing that I was a pain killer addict. I went to recovery and have been clean for a year and a half. We separated after I was clean for nearly a year. Some part of me thinks that she was waiting for me to become strong enough to express her frustration with the marriage. Unofficially, I agree that we have had problems prior to me becoming an addict. She has been quiet and distant for a number of years, especially once she started graduate school which was at the beginning of our marriage. She had a profoundly traumatic childhood that involved much neglect as well as physical and verbal abuse. Her focus became so profound on school that I felt eclipsed out of her life. I resisted becoming a full-fledged addict for a number of years, but eventually I became so lonely and full of pain that I gave in and began self-soothing in an inappropriate way. I couldn't be fully supportive of her without getting anything back. I have always been the primary caretaker in the relationship. I craved the closeness and intimacy that had sustained our relationship in the beginning 5 years and feeling constantly neglected was too much for me.

I hid my addiction from her almost completely--big "almost". When I confessed, she was somewhat surprised, but also relieved, because she then understood why some of my behavior had been erratic and inconsistent with how I had been prior to becoming an addict.

I am continuing to deal with many of my issues, which I realize started in childhood, by going to therapy and participating in a long-term recovery group as well as attend NA meetings.

I do this work to help myself (and also in the hopes that it will help me have a healthy relationship with my wife).

The problem is that I just have not been able to let go and say, "we will see what happens". My heart jumps every time she calls, and I think about her at least 70% of the time when I'm not working. I am still in love with her.

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
Mathias is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 07-29-2011, 11:53 AM   #2 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 3
Default Re: 5 months separated--no end in sight

Oh yeah. I feel like a complete an utter moron for continuing to pursue her and being clingy.
Mathias is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-29-2011, 12:07 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 13
Default Re: 5 months separated--no end in sight

Stop pursuing.
Do the 180 and follow it by heart.
Pursuing her is only pushing her away.
jeffsdesigns is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-29-2011, 12:09 PM   #4 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 3
Default Re: 5 months separated--no end in sight

"Do the 180 and follow it by heart."
What does this mean?
Mathias is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-29-2011, 01:52 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
HappyAtLast's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 271
Default Re: 5 months separated--no end in sight

I was separated for most of last year...and now we're back, but it hasn't been easy.
You seem like you are really in love with her, and I hate it that you are living apart...can you get your heads together and talk things out? Let her know what's inside your head and let her tell you how she thinks and feels.
I wish you the best...and hope things work out for you both.
Good luck.
HappyAtLast is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-29-2011, 02:47 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 13
Default Re: 5 months separated--no end in sight

Mathias,

Follow this program.
Not only for you, but there is a REAL possiblity that it also works like a charm on your wife.

You have to follow it and be PATIENT...but you can actually see results within a week or two.
I am seeing some changes myself.
Marriage BuildersŪ Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list
jeffsdesigns is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-29-2011, 09:08 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 13
Default Re: 5 months separated--no end in sight

Well, if you do meet with her. Stay low key. DO NOT PLEAD, BEG OR EVEN TELL HER, YOU LOVE HER!!
If anything, just listen, as questions.
Being seperated isn't easy. i know this. I am still seperated from my wife, who i love with all my heart.
But the 180 program is designed to get YOU back on track and it may or may not help get your spouse back. Alot of times, it will. But sometimes, the damage is done and all you can do is move on.

But, your best chance is to follow the 180.
it's unconvientional. Common sense tells you to reason with her, tell her how much you have improved..etc, etc.
But the thing is, when you pressure a woman that is hurt...she will run.
You don't want that.

If aything..tell her your prepared to move on..BUT, you prefer to work this out because you want to be with her.

Last edited by jeffsdesigns; 07-29-2011 at 09:12 PM.
jeffsdesigns is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Separated 16 months - Anyone else still feeling this bad? justabovewater Going Through Divorce or Separation 2 10-25-2012 07:37 PM
Two Months In, No End In Sight downnoutinaz Going Through Divorce or Separation 11 08-26-2012 08:39 AM
Been Separated for 3 and half months Fightingtilltheend Reconciliation 1 08-25-2012 03:20 PM
Separated for 3 months Mt. Wife General Relationship Discussion 11 03-09-2012 02:53 PM
Separated for two months... funlovingdad Going Through Divorce or Separation 6 05-12-2010 10:17 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:05 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage