07-29-2011, 11:44 AM
Join Date: Jul 2011
| | 5 months separated--no end in sight
Good day to all of you,
My name is Mathias (not real) and I have been separated from my wife for 5 months. We have been married for 6 years and together for 11--all of our 20s and the better part of our 30s. The separation began at the suggestion of our marriage therapist, who also happens to be our individual therapist. At the time of the separation, my wife was considering moving away to Asia--just to escape. As I am employed and she is not, I moved out and got a place after staying with some friends for 2.5 months. I mention this because during that 2.5 months, I continually was "waiting" to get back together. Even now, I am waiting. Especially now. We continue to go to therapy individually and with our marriage therapist once a week. I feel profoundly alone and wanted some words of advice. Specifically: how do I let go? And is it possible to let go and still get back together?
It is clear to me that I need to let go in order to move forward, whether that is with her or not. Preferably with.
Our "official" troubles started with my confessing that I was a pain killer addict. I went to recovery and have been clean for a year and a half. We separated after I was clean for nearly a year. Some part of me thinks that she was waiting for me to become strong enough to express her frustration with the marriage. Unofficially, I agree that we have had problems prior to me becoming an addict. She has been quiet and distant for a number of years, especially once she started graduate school which was at the beginning of our marriage. She had a profoundly traumatic childhood that involved much neglect as well as physical and verbal abuse. Her focus became so profound on school that I felt eclipsed out of her life. I resisted becoming a full-fledged addict for a number of years, but eventually I became so lonely and full of pain that I gave in and began self-soothing in an inappropriate way. I couldn't be fully supportive of her without getting anything back. I have always been the primary caretaker in the relationship. I craved the closeness and intimacy that had sustained our relationship in the beginning 5 years and feeling constantly neglected was too much for me.
I hid my addiction from her almost completely--big "almost". When I confessed, she was somewhat surprised, but also relieved, because she then understood why some of my behavior had been erratic and inconsistent with how I had been prior to becoming an addict.
I am continuing to deal with many of my issues, which I realize started in childhood, by going to therapy and participating in a long-term recovery group as well as attend NA meetings.
I do this work to help myself (and also in the hopes that it will help me have a healthy relationship with my wife).
The problem is that I just have not been able to let go and say, "we will see what happens". My heart jumps every time she calls, and I think about her at least 70% of the time when I'm not working. I am still in love with her.
Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.