hey everyone, i'm 26 years old and i've been married to my wife for 4 years as of may 20th. we met online on myspace in may of 2006. i was 20 she was 17. at first i wasn't really attracted to her because she had pictures of herself with liquor bottles, obligatory middle fingers etc and she only wanted to talk to me about how good-looking she thought i was and how badly she wanted to sleep with me.
i responded to her message with a joke; i kind of poked fun at her immaturity not expecting her to respond but she thought my quip was funny so we started talking. like i said, i didn't like her in a way where i felt we could eventually become an item but i thought she was funny and fun to talk to so we kept it up. she would tell me about her ex and ask me for advice on how to deal with the fact that he cheated on her because she still had feelings for him. i became a really reliable and good friend to her which she felt she could confide in for a lot of things. the sex talk kind of cooled down but i learned that she had a cocaine addiction as well. it took all summer for me to get her to finally stop with the drugs and she and her ex finally got to a place where they felt comfortable being just friends.
she eventually admitted to me that she had begun to develope feelings for me because i was different from the guys she was used to dealing with. she was from the suburbs and had that little "bad boy" fetish that too many young girls have. she told me the reason she 'friended' me was because of the fact that she was tired of dealing with wanna-be thugs and gangsters and wanted someone that was just normal. i was a breath of fresh air. by the time september came around i felt feelings for her too and eventually admitted it to her that i liked her. she'd invited me to her house numerous times over the summer but i always made an excuse because i didn't really want to hang around that type of element.
anyway, she got rid of her drugs and pretty much quit cold turkey and we started hanging out. eventually i made it to her house and we watched a movie together. i remember she wasn't really interested, she just wanted to lay next to me and look at me. she told me later she wanted to kiss me but didnt want to make the first move, she was happy that i didnt push myself onto her too. so.. i started hanging out with her on a regular basis and we grew closer and our feelings for each other got stronger. it wasn't til about a month later that we first had sex.
we fell in love with each other deeply and quickly. in january of the next year i actually proposed (she said yes) to her because we felt such a strong connection to each other.. she gave up all of her friends and didn't want to do anything but be with me all of the time. everybody said we were attached at the hip because wherever you saw one of us you saw the other. our relationship was simple, no clubbing, no bar hopping, we didn't have to go out to dinner and a movie all the time, our ideal night would be us cuddled up watching a movie or talking into the early morning hours. i moved in with her and her mother and in may of the same year we got married.
the immaturity set it but i hadn't noticed it til a while later. i found out she had still been talking to her ex on myspace but just chit chat -- he was a tattoo artist and he offered to give her one. she asked me if i'd be ok with that and i wasn't really comfortable so she told him no. i guess my own insecurity and jealousy got the best of me because i never felt this way about anyone before her and i guess i wanted the feeling to last forever so feeling that she may still be interested in him bothered me. looking back on it now i can see clearly that it was nothing and that i overreacted.
as time went on i noticed that i had a problem with jealousy and she was trying to do everyhting in her power to make sure that i knew she loved me and that even though she may look at other guys and possibly think they're attractive that she's in love with me and it doesnt matter. i couldn't get over it though. she started lying to me about things because of it, telling me she doesn't think anyone is attractive and that she isn't looking at anyone i guess in her own attempt to prove it. we fought one night because i saw her literally stop in her tracks when she saw a kid at mcdonald's. i asked her if she'd been lying to me about being attracted to other people and she admitted it. i know i sound stupid but at the time i was worried that she would leave me or cheat; i owe it to the fact that she was so promiscuous before me. together in an odd conversation, we found out that she had been with 25 boys from age 12 to 17 before me so i guess i always felt she was boy crazy.
one night she opened up and explained that she had sex with people for attention and because it was the only way she could get guys to like her or want to hang out with her. she was rejected by both her mother and father growing up and was desperate for acceptance. she said she loved me so much partly because i loved her for who she was and she could relax and be herself around me without putting on any fronts of facades. i felt so much closer to her after that.
she got pregnant and we had our first child when i was 23 and she was 19. we were happy during the pregnancy but eventually the reality hit us that we would be losing each other and we both kind of regretted getting pregnant. before we had our daughter we were bouncing around from place to place because we got kicked out of her mom's place. we moved upstate and lived in a hotel for a month before finally moving down south to live with my mom. we got our own place, our daughter was born and then two months later we moved back to live with her mom in new york because she was too stressed dealing with the baby alone while i worked long hours.
things got better as far as our relationship went because we had her whole family to watch the baby while we went out so we felt we had a relationship again for the first time in a while. we spent our honeymoon in manhattan and had a blast -- on the last night we danced in our hotel room and both of us broke down in tears because we were upset that our time alone had to end. i know the two of us really missed each other and weren't happy to be parents because we felt we no longer had each other. we were too young.
her mom would kick us out again after she and i got into an argument over the fact that she wasn't helping my wife juggle the baby and online schooling -- that had been building up all year, it was ugly. so we moved back down south and got our own place. not too long after we got there, she got pregnant again. at the time i had a part-time minimum wage job and we couldn't make ends meet without borrowing from my mom. the stress on the two of us was too great, we'd fight and i fell into depression. i'd lock myself up in the room alone and just spend hours in there thinking or surfing the internet while she was out in the living room with our daughter. she told me she loved me and wished i would come out but i was so caught up that i couldn't bring myself to do it. things went on like that for a while. i was miserable because i had a baby and had another on the way and i missed my wife like crazy -- i even suggested that we leave the country and go live on an island somewhere and i'd fish and she'd make baskets so that we could just be together again and not have to worry about 40-50+ hour jobs and money and all that stress.
eventually she fell into depression too and was contemplating leaving to go back to new york with our two daughters. she hated life and just wanted out of the situation. she had no friends, her family wasnt there and my mom was busy with her life so we only had a baby-sitter one night a month. my wife was depressed and felt trapped and caged and created a facebook page to reconnect with friends and to give herself something to do other than cook, clean and take care of children. she was contacted by a different ex who she confided in and she told him how miserable she was and how she hated that it seemed like i was never there and that when i was there all i wanted to do was be alone. in an emotional moment, he invited her to come live with him in florida and she said she'd think about it. she told me about it and i broke down and immediately had a moment of clarity -- i was going to lose her if i kept it up. i told her i'd do anything to show her that i really do love her and my family and that i do want to spend time and be more involved. i explained that i was just depressed and didn't know what to do. she told me she was going to give me a chance. i'd come home, help her cook, bathe my daughters, help her clean, play with them and tuck them in and we'd spend time together but i noticed that she was still unhappy. she told me that she felt like she wasn't in love with me anymore because i had put her through so much. she felt rejected and unwanted but this other guy made her feel special again.
she realized that she didn't really like him and that it was just that she liked how he made her feel and told me that she loved me and wanted to make things work. i believed her. but then she met a friend's brother and they began talking. she said he was giving her what i hadn't for months and she liked the feeling. she decided that she needed to leave me because it didn't feel right having feelings for someone else while with me. we went through a long in-house separation while she planned to move back to new york again with just herself and the girls. her step father wasn't going to be able to get her for four weeks. during that time i begged and pleaded for her to stay but she said that it only pushed her away. i could see she resented me and felt good about herself again because of this guy.
she made it to new york and the very next day she turned back to drugs. she got together with friends and smoked weed and drank and the other guy went to her grandparent's house to see her. she was still under the influence and went to hang out in his car with him. she told me they talked for a while then he just came onto her and they had sex in the car -- she even explained that he climbed on top of her in the passenger seat and thrusted a couple times and was done. afterward everything was awkward and silent and she eventually went back in. she called me crying telling me she made a mistake and just broke down telling me she missed me and that she just didn't want to have the responsibility of having kids, she just wanted me. i think a lot of it was guilt. i told her come home or we're over and a week later she was back.
things were obviously different, i was extremely on edge worrying about who she was talking to and i was constantly on her case. this angered her but i felt she wasn't being understanding. she would say 'if i didn't want to be with you then i wouldn't be; trust me.' that wasn't good enough. there was a wedge between us because of it and she grew a bit distant. there was a guy in our apartment complex that would shower her with compliments and they exchanged fb ID's.. one day after dropping me off at work he spotted her and asked her for a ride into the city, she told him give her a while because she wanted to get in the shower. he came over and she invited him in saying she wanted to wait until she was ready to come get me, drop him off first then get me. while they were in the house though, he came onto her and they ended up having sex... i know, i know.
i knew something was wrong with her when she came to get me because she looked pale and ill. i asked her what was wrong and she told me nothing. i got mad because i knew she was lying but i didn't say anything. the next day though she told me that she wanted to go back to new york because she made another mistake. she told me she didn't know how or why it happened and she felt used but she couldn't bring herself to stop him out of fear because she had bad experiences before i met her -- she was raped a couple of times. she told me that she was sorry and she wanted to show me she loved me, she suggested that we move to a different complex and everything. we started counseling but eventually she said she couldn't live with herself and wanted to leave again -- she said seeing the love of her life in pain and hurt because she cheated made it hard for her to look at herself. i actually agreed with the idea saying that it would be best for us because she could demonstrate that she loves me if she can be away from me for a long time without seeing anyone. she agreed saying that she wanted to prove it to me so we reluctantly split again.
since she's been there, she said she's thought a lot about our relationship and is afraid that we'll never be the same saying we've been through so much it would be hard for us to be together without thinking about it and rehatching it constantly. she's depressed because she STILL always has the kids, she can't find a job and social services isn't helping her. she also met another guy and started talking to him and they have been intimate. the problem is he was involved with someone but kept it from her, when she found out she was pissed.
independence day weekend i went up to see my daughters. it was as if nothing happened. at first she was stand offish and didn't want me to stay with her so i ended up staying with my sister, but we spent time together as a family. i took them out to breakfast, we went to chucke cheese, and went to see the fireworks. she said she had been avoiding me because she didn't want us falling for each other because i had to go back but she couldn't help herself anymore and asked me to stay with her. we slept next to each other and cuddled and it felt great. the next morning she came onto me and i resisted for a while but eventually gave in and we had sex. for the next two days afterward she was hugging me and kissing me and asking me when i was moving up because she wanted me there because she missed me so much. i told her i'd make plans to move in with my sister next month (august) but lets take it slow and not rush into a relationship.
i came back here and have been trying to finalize plans to move up to be near my kids and hopefully rekindle our marriage and she would call and text telling me she loves me and she misses me and that she couldn't wait. she even suggested moving back down with me and just buckling down and building what we established. that didn't last -- the guy broke up with his girlfriend and came after her hard. she resisted not believing him but he got the best of her with his compliments -- by the way, he's the "street" type that she liked before i met her. they smoke and drink together as well so she's fallen back into the drugs.
as of now, they're seeing each other and talking and hanging out and he's making a huge effort to try to prove to her that he really cares for her and that he and his girlfriend were on the outs and so on. the great thing about us is that we're completely honest with each other so she told me and when i asked what it meant for us she said she wasn't sure what she wanted. she was afraid our relationship would deteriorate and i'd go back to being jealous and having a million questions about this guy and we'd both be miserable. with him she has a fresh start and no history.
i spoke to her today and she said to me that their relationship isn't serious and i think she likes him because of that -- no worries, they can just relax and be. what she also says is that she's unsure if that's what she wants and that if when i come up she'll want to ditch him for me again. she's just really confused and unsure but at the same time she says that "they're rocking together" and she's "just going to ride it out and see where it goes" but they aren't official nor does she feel like they're together. they have sex and hang out though. to me that's a clear indication that it's over but at the same time i wonder if seeing me will send sparks flying again and she'll come back to me. with the fact that she's developed feelings for him although 'not strong' according to her, and the fact that she's cheated on me three times, i'm unsure if i want it. to top that i'm having doubts about moving because i have a good job and place here. what makes me want to rush is partially fear of losing her for good and the fact that she says my 3 year old adores this guy and she doesn't want her getting too close to him. i don't want to lose the heart of my wife and my kids as well but at the same time i'm afraid to make the move.
i'm pretty much sure my marriage is over but i keep hoping. i can't stop hoping that this casual relationship could be preempted by me or fizzle out. but at the same time i don't want to feel like insurance or plan b or the fall-back plan. she tells me she loves me but she's begun saying that she "has love for him."
kudos to anyone who reads this whole thing. thanks a lot!!
What's your question? As long as she's having an affair, it's very unlikely you can reconcile. And even if she does come back, there's no guarantees that her issues can be addressed and you can prevent this from happening again. Frankly, I'd suggest starting to move on. If she can demonstrate that she's truly making an effort to fix herself and your marriage, then maybe you can talk about getting back together.
And yes, it is very long, and I don't know what you're hoping to get as a response.
yeah, i guess it is too long. she's not having an affair. we separated and she's seeing somebody right now but still says she doesn't know if she's ready for us to end forever, she's just unsure if she can get past our past..
when i ask about this person, she says she's having fun somewhat but doesn't have strong feelings for him. he's there because she met him when we first separated in an attempt to keep her mind off of me.
the distance obviously makes things difficult because as i said when i was up in new york for that weekend, she was ready for us to get back together, but about three weeks after i came back she was back to being unsure. i've told her i'm not ready to leave what i have here (i'm in charlotte) and she's said she's not prepared to risk being relegated to being a housewife in charlotte again. she's got friends and all of her family up there since we're both from there.
at this point it really seems like a matter of circumstance that's keeping us apart. and like i said she's met someone who she's seeing who's completely bad for her. but she says she's seeing him "because he's here and available" and that her feelings for him aren't strong but she likes that she can relax and not have serious deep feelings. she's still really young and immature.
i really don't know what i'm looking for either.. just to vent i guess and maybe start a dialogue that'll get me going in the right direction.
i know that obviously sounds like an affair since we're still legally married. sorry i didn't explain further.
simply put, we can't afford a divorce. so even though we're legally married our separation was pretty much a mutual end to our marriage, one that i suggested and that she agreed to. she said she wouldn't be happy if i started seeing other people but that she wouldn't stop me either. she even went so far as to say that i should use a condom if i'm ever with anyone in case we decide to get back together.
so it's more of a "can we get back together?" not an "is our marriage in jeopardy?"
In response to your last post, you should be using condoms anyway and with her as well if you have sex with her. Much of your marital difficulty seems to have been caused or at least worsened by two unplanned (and apparently unwanted) pregnancies. There is a very good reason that the sexual revolution happened at the same time as the greater availability of contraception. Just because you can have sex does not mean you should be having children.
Anyway, as I see it, you should not get back together with this woman. She has a pattern which started LONG before you met (and it is heartbreaking that it seems to have started when she was twelve) and which she is not breaking. Why is she not in counseling or treatment for her drug problem? Why are you not protecting your children from being around a woman who is on drugs?
There are so many things wrong with this situation. It sounds to me like you let her convince you over and over that things have changed, that she made a mistake and is sorry... but things have not changed. She is not putting you first. (Why the he** is she sleeping with other men??? Why, if she is, does she care if you sleep with other women??) She is not even putting your children first.
Sadly this is often what happens when people who are sexually abused as children (12 years old = child) grow up - they are not able to form healthy sexual relationships with people who actually care about them. You have both made a lot of mistakes in this marriage but you are both still young. I would suggest counseling for both of you and I do not think there is much worth salvaging in this relationship. Get a divorce (it should not be too expensive if you are amicable about it although I really don't know) and get on with your respective lives. It's okay to admit that you made a mistake when you were 20. What's not okay is to keep making that mistake for the rest of your life.
I was mesmerized reading your story...you're a pretty good narrator. I'm in education so I don't mind reading long post like yours. LOL! Your story is an all around bad situation, bad calls, and bad decisions. Your wife will never get out of this cycle, because she has a history of self destruction, and she will never get out of it unless she admits she has a problem and gets professional help. I'm beginning to think that you are in the same boat as she is, otherwise, you will not put up with the repeated cheating. She's basically desecrated everything that should be sacred in your marriage. Sex in your home, while waiting to pick you up, on a whim? Not that it made the other sexual encounters she had less painful and wrong. What I'm saying is, Omega is right, mistakes are understandable when it happened when you were young, but to continue to wallow in that mistake is inexcusable. There's no saving this marriage at this moment. Your wife needs to work on herself before working on your relationship, and so do you.
At the time I started this thread, I was in a different place mentally. Hoping. Being naive and stupid thinking that perhaps the woman I was married to was the real girl and the girl who she was before was just a confused, lost and scared girl. I think I'm seeing now that most likely she was able to suppress her issues in order to be with me and kept it that way for a long time.
I've since met a couple of normal girls (lol) who I like a lot and have started talking to them in hopes to develope something - with one of them of course. This time around I want to take it slow.
As well, my wife is planning to go back to school and resume her psychology degree -- fitting right? -- and to get her CNA certificate so she can start working. I am COMPLETELY prepared to get my daughters down here with me if she doesn't follow through, I wasn't rushing into it though because I planned to move up there. Now I'm pretty much settled on the idea of staying here and continuing to build the life I have.
I have issues too that I'll admit are also the result of early rejection. I'm trying to build my own self esteem and self worth so that I'll feel that I don't need someone in order to be happy.
She and started dating in September of 2006, were married in May of 2007. She didn't leave me the first time until March of this year. She had sex with the first guy then, then she came back and slept with the other guy in May, after which I told her to leave. BUT, before she left she made the comment about me using a condom if I want to get back with her. So it was before she was sleeping with anyone new.
She didn't start sleeping with this new guy until about June, a month or so after she left. I guess I'm trying to say that she wasn't cheating or sleeping around through our entire relationship and of this I am positive because we were literally ALWAYS together and she's extremely honest as you can see so I would have known.
Yes she has convinced me that she made mistakes and that she was willing to change but only after two incidents of cheating. I know I sound like an idiot. This new guy neither of us consider cheating because we don't consider ourselves married anymore.
As I've stated though, I am no longer interested in getting back with her. It is completely plain to me that she has serious, serious issues that she needs to work out.