My wife and I have been married for 7.5 years. We were junior & high school sweethearts, so really we have been exclusively with each other since the young age of 15. She truly is my soulmate.
We were excited to get married and things were good for a while. My wife said I began changing and wasn't the same person as when we dated in high school. I always felt disappointment in myself for losing this approval, but have been very male and kept all my feelings and emotions bottled up over the years. Her main disappointment in me was that she said I stopped pursuing her and giving her the attention (lots of cuddles and kisses) I did in our high school years. I agree with her and I've always just attributed it to the adolescence hormones and the fact that fooling around when it was "naughty" was more exciting. I'm not sure about this, but I somehow feel that her early disapproval of me as a husband and lover has really hurt me, but being a stone cold guy incapable of acknowledging or facing my emotions I just withdrew.
We did ok in our relationship, we both loved each other, she complained that our intimacy was rather odd infrequent (only once a week) compared to what she considered the norm (5 times a week). Other than that my wife and I enjoyed each others company. One activity we enjoyed together in our first few years of marriage was online gaming (EverQuest to be more precise). I was so excited that my wife had gone out of her comfort zone to try something I enjoyed and it actually turned out to be a great activity for us. It was inexpensive, we spent all our time playing together and it was happy times.
In 2004 we were blessed with our son. We called it quits on gaming together to concentrate on our new baby. My wife was happy that she was finally a mother and I enjoyed being a father.
In 2006, many things happened. We bought our first house and I started at a new job. My wife found out that she was pregnant again that year; however, after 4 months she had a miscarriage. At the time, she didn't show much emotions about it and told me she was "ok" with it because it wasn't a planned child anyway. I offered the support I thought she needed.
That year we also found out our only son had developmental delays and was at risk for autism. My wife took this news pretty hard. My wife got back into playing online MMO's again however I wasn't very interested in playing the game she had chosen. She begged and pleaded me many times to play it with her, and I did reluctantly for a while, but ended up telling her no. She played it on her own for several months.
Then 2008 came, which I can easily say was the worst year of our lives. I lost my job early in the year, and struggled finding a new job. This led to us losing our home in a foreclosure and some other financial difficulties. After a few months of being unemployed and being rejected from several job interviews I began suffering from depression. I wasn't able to offer the things I felt were my responsibility and I could see the stress it brought to my wife. She offered some support and encouragement but she also got frustrated and upset with me and thought my efforts in finding a new job weren't what they should have been.
That brings us to the present day. We lost our home 2 months ago but were fortunate enough to have a nice condo her father purchased that he is allowing some flexibility in when payments come in. This was a great, and I hoped the move into a nice new place (closer to friends and family) would help relieve some stress for my wife and myself. It did... for about a week.
My wife began playing Second Life because she enjoyed MMO's and she was done with the boy ones where you killed stuff, and wanted to stick with the social stuff she loved. I meanwhile continued with my depression and job search and began ignoring my wife and leaving her to her "outlet". She ignored me in return and our communication dwindled to nonexistent.
3 weeks ago my wife went on a weekend getaway to visit one of her girlfriends that had recently moved out of state. My wife asked me if I would miss her while she was gone for the 3 days and I made the mistake of saying "probably not". This was the final straw and I would give anything to be able to go back and change what I said that night.
I missed her all that weekend and felt really bad. When she came home and I picked her up at the airport, I was apologetic but apparently she had made up her mind. She told me she no longer was capable of feeling love for me. She said our previous relationship was over and that if we ever had a chance at staying married, it would all have to "start over". I was devastated but thought that she at least hadn't given up.
Well, the next day I came home from my first day of work in months (a temporary part time job) and I found 2 suitcases at the bottom of the stairs with all my stuff. My wife said she wasn't in love with anymore and she needed time away from me. She gave me a whole laundry list of things she was unhappy with: no cuddling, me not playing the game with her, the pain from her miscarriage that I failed to identify, our lack of intimacy, the disappearance of communication, and unfortunately I did get physical in one argument several years earlier. I had apologized and thought we worked this out, and I have never done anything like this since (I am not an angry or physical person). I felt so terrible, because I knew everything she said was true and it was my fault.
It's now been 3 weeks and I am still as painfully devastated. I am trying to examine and improve myself and I know I did so many things wrong. I neglected my wife's needs, and didn't give her anything to look forward to, or make her feel special in any way. I just don't know what to do. I feel this is all my fault because I know I should have been treating her better and giving her something to look forward to.
I have only seen her a few time to pick up my son and spend some time with him. I have tried letting her know I am sorry and trying to mend things but it seems my communications are just making things worse. I feel like this is totally out of my hands now and all I can do is pray like crazy every day and work on myself so if I ever do get the chance to be with her again I can be the man I need to be.
Have you asked for counsiling, even if you start by yourself then include her it may help.
My wife suggested counseling last year, after we had our fight. Being the unemotional an non-communicating person that I was, I never pursued or encouraged that. I wouldn't have said no if she had set up an appointment though.
I did ask her if she would be willing to go to counseling with me now and she said absolutely not, I had missed out on that opportunity. I've considered going myself but I am afraid a counselor would just try to help me accept the fact that it is over. Also, I am down to my last nickel after being unemployed for so long and I have no way to afford counseling.
Both her and myself have appointments to see our physicians this month, and plan on getting on some depression medication. I am hoping she is just having a really bad (and long) episode of PMS/depression that medication can help her overcome.
My wife has had issues before with moodiness and depression. She has been on and off depression medication over the past several years. Her appointment to see her doctor isn't for another 2 weeks, I've already been out of the house for 2 weeks and her attitude towards me/us is still not changing.
I'm also wondering if she is using "tough love" techniques against me to try and force me to land a job (since she hasn't agreed with my efforts and strategies so far). When I think about this being the case, it always hurts me that she would punish me when things get tough. I always thought when you got married, it was "in good times, and bad times".
I don't know.. whatever the reason, me getting a job and working on improving myself for her and myself isn't a bad thing at all. I'm glad I am getting an opportunity to examine myself (something that I have never done) but I am just so worried that this might not end up being a bump, and really be the end of the road.
I am so sorry to read about your situation. I too have been going through a similiar one. My wife told me a month ago that she no longer loved me and could never think of sleeping with me again. that was a couple weeks before she asked me to move out. well its been over 3 weeks and we have talked a few times and the occassional email. last email she said her feelings for me would never change and to move on. We have been together for close to 16 years and sadly i believe she is going through some kind of emotional or psychological problems and is taking them out on me. I asjed her to go and see someone and she stated i was her problem but i believ diffenrently.. Anyway my friend hang in there if you want your relationship to work make yourself a better man for yourself that is what i am trying to do. I hope my wife see's the changes i have made in my life but if she doesnt there is nothing I can do she chose to bail on the marriage and there is nothing i can do.... good luck and best wishes keep posting there are some very caring people on here always willing to offer friendly advice to what they have gone through.
Iím sorry to hear your problems with marriages and I pray you can work them out. My wife of 25 years told me the other day that she doesnít love me anymore and she wants a separation. As you know this hit me like a ton of bricks, it hurt so bad I begged her I cried I told her I can change, I told her what everybody else in this situation would say including baby youíre my everything. We can fix this. My wife suffers from depression and she is medicated to help her get through the day, she told me that I am not there for her emotionally and I have never been there for her throughout our marriage. I didnít know how to help me wife through it and in the past when I asked what I could do to help she would tell me that she needs space so thatís what I did. We are a military family and our kids are all serving as well, I know my wife misses San Diego her hometown and I do too, I even told her that we could sell the house get an apartment in San Diego and start over with our relationship and life. I put together our plan/road map to leave the Midwest and hit San Diego by next summer. Iíve asked for her inputs and she said the plan doesnít work for her. She plans to stay at her moms when she leaves. What was so strange about her telling me she wanted to separate was, the week before she ran out of her meds and had to wait a week for a new different pill. We had a good weekend together like we always do even our Sunday night was great and then Monday morning bam! We still live in our house and sleep in our bed together our daily routine continues like nothing ever happen even though she stills plan to leave. We continue to get along great we talk everyday she still suggest that we buy movies to watch. The other day we were talking about planting pepper seeds and she said we can plant these in the fallÖ.Iím if Iím here! Iím confused and scared, I think she may still love me but in her mind because of her depression there may be a disconnect. Iím hoping the time apart in San Diego will give her time re-evaluate our life. All her things that she that she loves including her cats are here including her gardens to which she has worked so hard in. I have started to read and study material to help me understand what she needs emotionally and how to make myself a better person so she can love me again. Iím trying hard to fix this and keep her and the reality is it may be too late and on the other hand I may come out of this a better person. Sam can you help clear some of this up for me.
I left my husband almost 3 weeks ago, after a 2 year marriage (together for 7). We weren't getting along, poor communication, difficulty resolving conflict and with his bad temper I was repeatedly exposed to verbal abuse with some very hurtful words as well as a couple of incidents of physical abuse. I just decided that wasn't how I wanted to live my life and I had to leave. He begged me to stay & work it out; he cried; he apologized; he took full blame for everything (even though it definitely wasn't all his fault); and even now continues to pressure me to return and work on our marriage. The thing is my heart is hardened and I feel bitter towards him for all he took me through. I tend to love hard and take a lot and then I get to my breaking point and it feels like a point of no return. He, too, says in our vows we said "in good times, and bad times" and my reply is they also include "to love and to cherish." I didn't feel he loved and cherished me because if he had he wouldn't have said such hurtful things and he wouldn't have put his hands on me as a means of intimidation and control.
My advice to you, based on what I'd like to see happen in my situation, is to just give her the space and time she needs. Be the person you were when you first fell in love. Don't pressure her. Actually give her time to really miss you and what you all had during the good times. Continue to be kind and supportive. Show her that you are happy within yourself without making it seem like you are happy without her. Show her you are working on yourself because you want to be better for you and for her too. Tell her you love her, miss her but don't pressure her. There are no guarantees here and that's the hardest part. It's hard for me and I'm the one that left.
Hi Steve (lcac31),
I can see why you are scared and confused. It sounds like she's confused as well. When I decided to leave I could only think about that moment and it truly has been day by day. For her to mention planting in the fall, it really seems to me that she's not sure about it being the end, but something is definitely missing for her in the marriage. Also, after 25 years there simply may be a level of comfort and familiarity that she has and it is not easy to forget it, hence the good weekend. Her depression needs to be under control in order to really know what her true feelings and intentions are. Your trying to learn as much as possible about it and how to be a support to her is admirable and yes you will be a better person after all of this regardless of the outcome of your marriage. Don't lose sight of what you need in all of this for yourself as well. That's what I tell my husband.
I'm reading a book called "Hope for the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed" by Gary Chapman. It's been interesting even though I'm not sure, at this point, if I am actually seeking a reconcilation myself. There's a chapter that talks about how we look at love as an emotion when it is in fact something we choose (at least so from a biblical concept); "it's an attitude, a way of thinking," as he puts it. That blind-sided me but made me think because I certainly look at it as an emotion. This might be a good book to consider but I don't know how helpful it will be unless your wife reads it too.
This author also has another book called "The Five Love Languages." I haven't read it yet but I am familiar with it because I heard a minister preach about it. It basically refers to how we need to receive and give love. For example, your wife may need to receive love from you in a way different from how you are giving it and vice versa. It might prove to be helpful as well.
Thanks for the insight from a womans stand point. Those books sounds interesting also. I'm currently reading Fighting for your Marriage, and Getting back together "How to reconcile with your partner and make it last"