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Old 08-09-2011, 05:40 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through Seperation following wife's affair

Thanks for the replies...

Yes I moved out of the house because the the kids need to live there as it's near their school and friends and I didn't want to unsettle them any more than neccessary. I leave for work early in the morning so am not able to take the kids to school and don't get back in time to pick them up so my wife is staying in the house for now so she can do that.

I moved to my mum and dads to save up to get a new place to live. We have a joint mortgage so in time we will either sell the house or she can buy me out...or if eventually if she moves out with OM then i will move back in.

With regard to him playing Dad, I spoke to her about this tonight. The kids just see him as one of their friends dads and he has not being staying overnight at the house. I go there 3 nights a week to put them to bed now and also have them split time over weekends...sometimes at the house and she goes out of the way so it's not as bad as it may have appeared.

I agree that she has the best of the deal...but I am so concious of the kids moving out of their home when they are so happy there that maybe I am just putting them first for a while.
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Old 08-10-2011, 04:40 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through Seperation following wife's affair

@Cheesy. I don't believe that the folks on here, including me, were suggesting that kids be moved out. Almost everyone on here, if not everyone on here, agrees that the kids should remain in their normal environment as much as possible.

I am not sure about the UK but, in some of the states in the US, when a spouse leaves the marital home, it can be considered abandonement by the court. In other words, if our SO over here wanted to be vindictive, they could get a lawyer/solicitor to file abandonement charges against you - and that would really damage custodial rights in the future. It may not be that way where you are though so I dunno. Just wanted to be clear that I do not think anyone on here was talking about removing the kids from their home and/or school.
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Old 08-12-2011, 10:02 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through Seperation following wife's affair

Hi, I see where you are coming from but there is no way i would be seen as abandoning the kids by her becuase we have agreed that i can see them as much as I can now and more so when i get a place. They are staying with me at my parents tonight and a bit over the weekend so looking forward to that.

I do regret a little moving out of the house but it didn't help me mentally coping with the situation immediately, trying to over talk the situation and lots of begging and pleading meant it was very difficult. I've found it easier moving out.

It's 3 weeks since I moved out now and 5 weeks since she told me about the affair (i probably worked it out a week before that). I'm doing slightly better, I still miss her and the security of being in a relationship as most of the time i just feel sick and can't concentrate on anything else i'm doing properly, that i easing though.

I'm not going for the 180 yet, although i have stopped talking about us a couple anymore. She is starting to notice things I am doing differently and is starting to ask me more what I am doing etc which I find interesting more than anything else.

She is taking the kids away for a few days next week and I am meeting her there to take over the rest of the week. We have a 2 night crossover at the place we are staying to make the transition easier for the kids so that will be interesting.

I'm just trying to concentrate on the things she mentioned i might have not done so well in our marriage and think about how I can make myself a better person moving forwards. Part of me hopes she notices that and realises, if her affair fails, that she perhaps let it cloud her judgement of what we really had together, but thats not my main aim....if it happens...it happens
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Old 08-12-2011, 05:28 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through Seperation following wife's affair

I agree with you on the 180 thing. Some parts of it are great but the no contact thing to me seems to me to be counterproductive to the possibility of a reconciliation. I don't think it's good to have no communication at all if there is still a chance. I know what you mean about the in-house seperation; my W and I have been in an in-house separation for over 4 months now. There were some very very difficult times but we are a lot better with each other now.

Also, I think that when you say you are changing for the better, to be a better person, that is great BUT - don't lose sight of the fact that both of you are at fault for a failing marriage. It's great that you are changing bad habits but what about her! I am sure, that other than the affair she is having, she has some shortcomings as well. From experience, I can say that my W and I fed off of each other so my bad behavoirs were caused by her bad behaviors and vice versa. We were just toxic around each other and neither one of us knew how to change the downhill spiral. Being apart from each other (even while being in the same house) gave each of us time to reflect on where we have failed and what our weaknesses were. In the end, it all comes down to communication. It takes more learning and practice to communicate properly than people think.

I hope you get things worked out favourably for both of you. Best wishes to you.
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Old 08-15-2011, 01:10 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Thanks Brighterlight...I've had a shocking day over here in the UK today...yesterday (Sunday) I packed the kids off with their mum to Wales on holiday and moved back into the family home for a few days until i go down to meet them. I'm not sure if it was the house with little trace of me in it, the fact that the kids are away with her somewhere wehere we go every year or the fact that i saw her and she looked so great...probably a combination of all of them that seems to have set me back...I caved in with a stupid, 'I still love you' which got me a huge hug from her, again which probably didn't help me.

I have agreed in principle on a new place to rent for 6 months, big enough for me to have all 3 kids over and a bit of a garden for them to play in, it's ideal really and everyone thinks it's a good idea...I just can't get interested in it at all. I've had all her family and extended family call me since they went, showing support, saying they all love me and most of them offering me stuff for the new house, furniture etc...it's nice but at the same time a bit weird. They all hate the way she is behaving and she isn't talking to them at all about the situation.

I went to see a neighbour who is one of her best friends and knows about the situation and is also leaving her husband (conviently). She weirdly said she wasn't leaving me for the OM and that he wants to move in with her in a few months but she doesn't. It's all very confusing and still raw for me...but she appears more than happy with the situation...on the outside anyway...and through the OM has a new circle of friends and social life which she engages in when i've got the kids...it's tough to deal with I have to admit

Hope everyone is ok and thanks to everyone for their comments and support, it is making it easier to deal with
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Old 08-23-2011, 10:10 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Hi everyone, quick update for you all

Today is my birthday...35...we've been seperated for about 7 weeks now and i've just come back from a holiday with my kids where I spent a couple of days with my wife too. We managed to talk about our problems and we both admitted our faults, I want to fix them, she doesn't. She spoke about the OM, saying he wanted her more than she wanted him, that she was wary of moving too fast with him for the kids etc, it was all very bizarre. I told her I had somewhere to live and she was ok with it but worried about the finality of it all. We got on just as before, without any affection towards each other...but when she left and probably spent time with the OM, i've come back to the same old frosty her who doesn't want to talk about anything but practicalities. On holiday she said (after a glass of wine or two) that she didn't want a divorce...but now she says thats only becuase it is a bit soon.

I've decided to leave her be, sad as it is...move on into my new house. it's a killer though, feel my best friend has gone...and the fact that she has gone to someone else makes me even more sad
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Old 08-26-2011, 04:26 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through Seperation following wife's affair

Hi everyone, sorry for constantly updating my thread but in some ways it helps.

I spoke to someone today who knows the OM in my wife's affair. He had a drink and let slip that they are hopelessly in love, spend every minute together they can together and are both happier than they have ever been in their lives

Its so hard to take as she is trying her best to me nice to me and lying about how serious her relationship is with him (it's only been about 4 months, 2 since i found out) to me and her family to protect herself

I so want things to be different but i am finding it impossible to let her go
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Old 09-06-2011, 05:50 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Again apologies for continually updating my thread but I kind of find it strangely theraputic.

I moved into my own rented house on Sunday, the first couple of days have been really strange but it does feel good to have a little independance from my parents who have been looking after me for a month.

I went back to the house last night and removed some things like the TV, one of the sofa's etc. Spoke to my wife and she was saying she had struggled emotionally whilst I had been moving in and when i left last night she was in tears.

Is this just the guilt of what she is doing to me finally kicking in?
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Old 09-06-2011, 06:16 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through Seperation following wife's affair

Yes, her safety net is moving forward.

Good for you.
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Old 09-06-2011, 06:55 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Yeah maybe so...it's still really hard to see her upset though, she just emailed me to apologise for crying, the thought of me being sat on my own in my new house and it all being her fault is taking it's toll she says followed by her saying that maybe she isn't a heartless ***** after all.

Weird how someone else can make your life such a mess in such a short space of time
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Old 09-06-2011, 06:55 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through Seperation following wife's affair

Don't apolgize for posting! You need to read up on 180 hard. Your wife is CAKE EATING! You are still seen as a safty net. You might even go so far as to file for D on her. Good luck.
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Old 09-06-2011, 07:00 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through Seperation following wife's affair

My STBXH is the one that had the affair and didnt give a hoot when I cried. He says he did nothing wrong..Just a friend BS

I hope you keep moving forward.
I am. Legal separation first and then Divorce...then is no looking back, no matter what he says or does at this point.
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Old 09-06-2011, 07:26 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Yeah i've read a lot about the 180. I can see the plus side of it but it's very difficult for do it in full becuase I have 3 very young kids and they take a lot of sorting out between us so at the moment we have pretty much daily communication about them, the youngest has juvenile arthritis too (he's 3) so we need to inject him twice a week together so no contact is pretty difficult.

I am getting better at not talking about us as much, she does know that i would prefer to work at my marraige than end it, that might give the impression of a safety net but I guess the less I talk about it and the more I try to move the more she might wonder if that is still the case.

I am going to leave it a little while until i get settled in my new house before i start thinking about divorce and what to do about the old house, I have enough to think about at the moment I think
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Old 09-11-2011, 01:39 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through Seperation following wife's affair

Cheesy. The 180 degrees is NOT a tool for the purpose of manipulating an unfaithful spouse to return to the betrayed spouse and work their tail off to rebuild the marriage. What the 180 degrees IS is a tool to emotionally strengthen the betrayed spouse so that he/she can move on with his/her life with or without their unfaithful spouse. It has nothing to do with No Contact or going dark on the unfaithful spouse.

The confusion arises from when a fence sitting unfaithful spouse finally realizes that their betrayed spouse no longer will wait for them to return and is moving on with his/her life. In those cases, the emotional detachment and strength exhibited by the betrayed spouse becomes a powerful attractant to the unfaithful spouse who panics because he/she realizes that the betrayed spouse no longer cares to remain married and is no longer interested in the unfaithful spouse. This is a side effect that happens only where an unfaithful spouse is undecided about forming a lasting relationship with their AP (affair partner) but is also undecided to recommit to return to their betrayed spouse.

Nevertheless the purpose of the 180 is the emotional strengthening of the betrayed spouse whether or not the marriage continues or ends.

Please read the following from my thread titled 'Let Them Go'

Quote:
I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.
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Old 09-11-2011, 03:13 AM   #30 (permalink)
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she already disrespected you by doing this. leave her.. you will see in the future she and the son of a ***** OM will be dogs. they are dogs not human. tell her this.
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