Going through Seperation following wife's affair
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Old 08-03-2011, 07:12 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Going through Seperation following wife's affair

Hi everyone,

I am new to the forum but felt the need to tell my story.

I have been married for almost 10 years and have 3 children, aged 7, 5 and 3, I'm 34 and my wife is 31. My 3 year old has a form of Juvenile Arthritis which has meant he needs a lot of care and it's been a stressful couple of years since he was diagnosed but he is starting to do well now and recover

Over the course of our Marriage we have had a number of problems, I had a gambling problem which made me bankrupt 3 years ago. I have recovered but it took a lot of support from my wife. It made me depressed and quite miserable at times and undobtedly this affected her, but she forgave me at the time and we worked through it.

18 months ago my wife lost 5 stones in weight, changing her appearance and making her much more confident. she took over the slimming business which she used to lose the weight. this has meant over time we have seen less and of each other, sharing looking after the kids and covering for each other while we work etc. it's been a tough time.

Before the kids we were very romantic, but gradually as we had more kids we became more practical which i guess is normal. I had a vesectomy to stop us having more children with the idea that it would help us become romantic again but despite a few phases this has not really happened.

Three months ago we got a family dog, from an old friend of both of ours but someone she knew from school days. he had seperated from his wife and couldn't take the dog with him to his new rented house. After we got the dog he sent her a few texts asking how the dog was etc but unbeknown to me they also discussed a lot about their lives, particulary how unhappy my wife was.

At around the same time my wife started to go out socialising a lot more with her freinds from the neighbourhood, often coming in very late. a month ago my wife started suggesting she was unhappy and felt like our marraige was in trouble. i didn't suspect another man on the scene, just presumed it was a result of everything we had been through. However I eventually forced it out of her that she had been having a relationship with this other guy (dog man) both sexually and also meeting up, talking etc

Since I found out I tried to talk her round and stayed at the house for a while whilst we have talked a lot, she goes on about the past a lot but she has blatantly carried on the affair in front of me, staying at his house a couple of times when she needed space and also meeting him at the park and cafe's with my kids as they all know his name and he gave them sweets etc.

A month has passed now and i've moved out of the house and am devastated by it all. She has removed all memories of me from the house and has been seen with him by my friends with the kids and without. She says what she feels with him is different but she seems to be moving very fast. I called round the other day and he was at the house during the day with his daughter and my kids and it made me feel very sick.

I am struggling to deal with the whole situation. Everything is happening so fast that i can't think in 3 months that she is willing to give everything we had up for this other guy who she seems to want to spend every hour of the day with.

I can't work out if she is having some kind of mid life crisis, actually wants this guy, doesn't want me...it's very confusing and every day seems to go on forever,

I feel like I have made a fool of myself by getting upset and pleading with her to think about what she is doing but I am struggling to control my emotions. i am trying to just let them get on with things but it's very hard, not only does it feel I am losing my wife and family, i feel I am losing it to another man and all so fast.

I still see the kids but not overnight as I have no new home as yet so i feel they think i have deserted them and when i see them they are uspet that i can't stay.

Everyone says i need time but it's hard to get through each day without thinking about her and them
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Old 08-03-2011, 07:33 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through Seperation following wife's affair

This is a very tough situation you're in right now. So many spouses appear like they had forgiven their partner for past sins, but in reality is really just harboring it. I feel like this is the case for your wife, who appeared like she has forgiven you for what you've done in the past but is really just stuck in the situation at that time. kids, no job, low self esteem, etc. She's only 31 and is too young to be in a mid-life crisis, if there ever is really such a thing as mid-life crisis. My advice to you is be the best that you can be. You can't do anything at this point, begging, pleading and asking her to rebuild your marriage is only going to fall on deaf ears. She has someone right now who is presenting her a better option than your marriage, it's simply the social exchange theory of marriage, a spouse who feels like the grass is greener on the other side, will naturally go to that place. Work on improving yourself, I know it's tough, been there, done that. Work out, exercise is a natural way of letting your endorphins flow, it's a natural stress and pain fighter. Eat healthy and take care of yourself, love your children the best way you can and best way the current situation allows you. It's going to be horrible during the night, when loneliness sets in, and the bout of "what ifs" starts creeping in. But each day is a path to getting better. Let your wife be at this moment. When you came to a place where you have your confidence and strength again, she may think that she was a fool for not fighting for your marriage, or she may not. But whatever you do, do it for yourself from now on.
good luck and pray for strength.
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Old 08-03-2011, 07:40 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through Seperation following wife's affair

I am sorry you are going through this. Once I discovered my spouse cheating, I was devastated. I lost weight and my world turned upside down. It has been 2 years. We are still together but things are still rocky as we never found out what behaviors sent him on that path.

Your wife is living in fantasy land. My spouse did it for about 3 months after I discovered the affair. The other life doesnt have bills, kids, nagging and life responsibilites. It was hard for him to let go but at that time he loved his family more than her. She was just convenient.

Dont do anything just yet. This thing will burn out but it is painful going through it. Get into counseling for yourself and keep in close contact with your kids. Say to yourself, you have no control over her and whether you worry about what she is doing, she will do it anyway. Save yourself from the anxiety and be the better person, and pray for strength. Dont dwell on what she is doing, and I know this is really hard, I am still struggling with it, but my anxiety is less when I force myself to say, you cannot control what he does and I have no more room for negative thoughts. I may have to do this 3-10 times a day, but I feel stronger than I did at day 1.

Good luck to you and find a way, chant, meditate, walk to lessen your anxiety.
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Old 08-03-2011, 10:29 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Thanks for your nice responses. She has said to me that she is much happier since I have left and that a huge weight has been lifted off her shoulders. She says its almost like she has woken up. She says she doesn't know if thats the new man, her weight loss, being a business woman or our history or a combination of all of them. I believed her at the time but the amount she see's the new man in her life and the fact she blatantly does it makes me think it is that that has been the major factor.

I feel she is bound to be happy becuase she has something new in her life, as you say a better option than where she was before. She still lives in the house with the kids and they are on school holidays here in the UK so there is little pressure of after school clubs and running around to be done as the 3 of them are together most if not all of the time.

I have tried to stay strong and have been to the doctor for sleeping pills etc which have helped. i am a very sporty person and eat healthily anyway so thats not a problem although i have lost a lot of weight through stress and skiping meals due to feeling sick.

I have taken the view to leave her be but going back to the house to see the kids and not having a pre-arranged days to see them for long periods of time mean that i have to talk to her a fair bit to organise that.

I am torn as to how quickly top find my own place to live so I can have them overnight. It seems a big commitment away from the marraige to do that but like you say, at the moment there is no reason for me to think she is going to change her mind in the short term.
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Old 08-03-2011, 10:55 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through Seperation following wife's affair

You mentioned a couple of times that things were going really fast with your wife, and you also mentioned that the OM (other man) had separated from his wife as well. When two people who have been unhappy in their marriages for a while get together, things do tend to go very fast. It is like they are finally getting the "love" they haven't had for a long time and are completely into each other. Yes, it is very much fantasy land for both of them--something that will probably only last for a couple more months (IMO). I think it is important for you to get a place. Don't sign any year contract anywhere, but just get something that is month to month. You need a place to call your own while you are sorting through all of these things including the relationship. It might also be helpful to get yourself into some individual counseling to better deal with everything that is happening. Best of luck to you!
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Old 08-03-2011, 11:52 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through Seperation following wife's affair

You are not alone. There are many of us going through similar situations. That does give some solace, at least to me.

Well, it's not right that you are the one out of the house. She is having the affair and, in all respects, should be the one to leave. If, as in my case, you are both on the deed, then you can't kick her out (at least here in TN). I suspect she is belligerent, as my wife was, about her not leaving the house.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. It is extremely painful being away from the kids. This is only my 3rd day of separation and I miss my kids like crazy. Here is what we worked out on being with the kids. I spend Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights with my parents. She spends Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights with her sister. That gives us both time to be with the kids. Some people alternate weeks. She gets the kids one week, you get them the next.

The whole things sucks, but the worst part of your story to me is the not having a set time to be with the kids. At this point, I don't really care if I ever see my STBXW again. But I miss my kids like crazy. I can't imagine not having a set time to be with them to look forward to. I think that would be the first thing I would work out, if I was in your shoes. A set time to be with your kids. Playing with them, hearing them laugh, seeing them smile, their precious hugs and kisses are the best things on earth. I hope you are able to set up a fair arrangement where you get plenty of time to enjoy your children.

You have to detach yourself from her emotionally. It is hard and takes concentration and time. Exercise does help. Where are you staying now?
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Old 08-03-2011, 12:56 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through Seperation following wife's affair

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Originally Posted by Cheesy View Post
Thanks for your nice responses. She has said to me that she is much happier since I have left and that a huge weight has been lifted off her shoulders. She says its almost like she has woken up. She says she doesn't know if thats the new man, her weight loss, being a business woman or our history or a combination of all of them. I believed her at the time but the amount she see's the new man in her life and the fact she blatantly does it makes me think it is that that has been the major factor.

I feel she is bound to be happy becuase she has something new in her life, as you say a better option than where she was before. She still lives in the house with the kids and they are on school holidays here in the UK so there is little pressure of after school clubs and running around to be done as the 3 of them are together most if not all of the time.

I have tried to stay strong and have been to the doctor for sleeping pills etc which have helped. i am a very sporty person and eat healthily anyway so thats not a problem although i have lost a lot of weight through stress and skiping meals due to feeling sick.

I have taken the view to leave her be but going back to the house to see the kids and not having a pre-arranged days to see them for long periods of time mean that i have to talk to her a fair bit to organise that.

I am torn as to how quickly top find my own place to live so I can have them overnight. It seems a big commitment away from the marraige to do that but like you say, at the moment there is no reason for me to think she is going to change her mind in the short term.
How nice for her. A little bit of rubbing your nose in it. I feel for you. She is deep into her affair. All has a nice glow.

Good luck to you. I guess once things got to this point I could not see me reconsiling. But you need to decide for yourself. I think you need to work on your new life and you will have a changing perspective as that happens.
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Old 08-03-2011, 01:36 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I am currently staying at my mum and dads...I can see the kids no problem and the only reason she is at the house is because the kids are so young and i leave for work at 7am and get back at 5am wheras she works shorter hours so can get the to school and now it's the holidays she can get them to childcare the days she is working.

The kids ring me and i've spent a fair bit of time with them so far which is great, they are just sad I am not at the house and do talk about stuff they have done with OM and my wife which is tough to take at this point.

My wife still refers to me as her best friends and wept on me when we told the kids for a long time that evening just 2 weeks ago.

Things are still very raw, i'm more sad than angry at the moment to be honest as are all her family, mine and our friends because lots of people know us and also know the OM so it's common knowledge...again which is tough
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Old 08-09-2011, 04:57 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Not having a good day today....really finding it hard to let go. I am seeing the kids but also of course seeing my wife at the same time and find it really hard not to to talk to her about the situation. When i do she is unmoved and I always feel stupid for trying when i come away.

The kids are very confused and upset by whats happening, especially as she is spending time with the OM around them and they are getting concerned that he is around more than Daddy when i talk to them.

I feel very sad and lonely, she went out on Sunday when I had the kids and came back having spent the afternoon drinking with him. I've also found out she is going to a wedding with him in a week or so's time when I have the children for a couple of days.

We are still being generally amicable and I can see she is struggling living on her own with the kids but i've not got my own place yet as I paid the bills this month before she gets her benefits

She says her relationship with the OM is a slow burner which makes me wonder what is going to happen with the house, whether they will move into together, he says they will, she doesn't seem to want to commit to him becuase it's too soon. It's all just a mess
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Old 08-09-2011, 05:54 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Hi Cheesy, I am right there with you. Having a real craptastic day. My emotions have been off the charts and I would like it to end.

I wish I had good advice for you. I read today, walked to the beach with my boys (8,6) but the tears just won't stop.

My kids were told today that daddy wont be living here anymore and that we will move back to the states very soon. They don't get it just yet. I feel so bad for them. They will be lucky to see their father once a year now. Im just overwhelmed.

I am at the point where I don't want to talk to my H because it causes anxiety. He drops the bomb and now wants me to play nice. I don't know how you do it being cordial knowing she is with the OM. You have some great inner strength. I hope to get there.
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Old 08-09-2011, 07:43 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through Seperation following wife's affair

I totally understand where you are coming from.

I somehow need to keep telling myself that she is having an affair and she doesn't want me anymore, she keeps playing down her affair and blaming the fact she has changed and our past but I am sure she is just trying to be nice to me.

I am trying to find somewhere to live but it's difficult financially to find a home to rent big enough for the 3 kids to stay over whilst paying maintenance and keeping up the mortgage payments on the house as at the moment we've not decided what to do about the house so have to keep paying the mortgage to keep a roof over the kids heads.

I'm trying my best not to think about her today but it's really difficult...not seeing her or the kids till Thursday and it seems such a long way off
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Old 08-09-2011, 12:59 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through Seperation following wife's affair

I think at the point where she was taking my kids out with the OM I would see about getting the law involved, or at least talk to a solicitor. Having an affair is one thing (BAD), having an affair in front of you and slapping you in the face is another (BAD AND INSULTING), but acting like a family with MY kids and the OM before I am legally divorced (NOT GOING TO HAPPEN). Sorry Cheesy, I feel so bad for you. It seems to me that you would have the right to put a stop to that.
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Old 08-09-2011, 01:15 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through Seperation following wife's affair

wait a sec...

she had the affair

yet you moved out
she gets the house
she gets the kids
she has the OM acting as Dad

wtf?

why haven't you stopped any of this?

get a lawyer
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Old 08-09-2011, 03:01 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Get a lawyer. Move back into the house. If you leave the house, you lose any chance of getting meaningful custody.

Go to dadsdivorce.com, and read and follow "The List".

Assuming you want to play an active role in your kids lives.... Move back in. Now.
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Old 08-09-2011, 03:06 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Get a lawyer. Move back into the house. If you leave the house, you lose any chance of getting meaningful custody.

Go to dadsdivorce.com, and read and follow "The List".

Assuming you want to play an active role in your kids lives.... Move back in. Now.
Yes Cheesy, you don't want her to pull the abandonement card on you; you seem to have already given everything else up. Move back in. Anything that makes her upset from here on out is her doing anyway. Either arrange for you to live in separate rooms, or come to an agreement about sharing the house where you stay a few days a week and she stays a few days a week. Or alternate weeks but whatever you do, don't give the appearance that you moved out on them. She won't be looking out for your best interests believe me.
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