Wife left me for another man. I want to work it out but she won't try "right now."
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Old 08-03-2011, 01:45 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Question Wife left me for another man. I want to work it out but she won't try "right now."

I am 29 years old, and have been married to my wife (24yrs old) for just short of 3 years. We have two amazing daughter (3 and 2) that are only 10 months apart. Our marriage started off very hot and heavy, and because she is in the navy I relocated and we got married shortly after our first was born. I made a commitment and I do love her, she however has felt that since the birth of our second child, due to stress and communication problems we have drifted apart emotionally. She had at one point engaged in the start of an emotional affair and when I found out about it quit it immediately. We have since relocated to another state and she has been focusing on her carrier while I stayed at home to care for the children. About 2 months ago I found out she had had an affair with another military member and she has moved out of our house and into his. I really love my wife but when I have asked to try and work it out she says, she still loves me but ins't in love with me. She says she sees me as her best friend and for the time being she will not stop having the affair to work on repairing our marriage. She has been willing to go to marriage counselling with me but even the councilor has told us both, if she isn't going to work on the marriage and stop her affair there is no real point. I realize that for any progress to be made in fixing this it will take both of us to want it and both make and effort to bridge the gap between us. She is very forth coming that for now, she sees no way for us to work it out but tells me "Who knows what can happen in the future?" I've told her the future is what we make of it, and have come to understand that for now reasoning with her is useless and more than likely only irritates her. Everything I have read about this subject says I should avoid her and give her space to deal with her own personal issues, while focusing on improving myself. I can handle that with the exception of, I still live in military housing taking care of our children and she has been very involved in our everyday life. She comes by after work for hours to play with the kids and talk to me. I have been horrible about keeping my feelings under control and not sharing things like how much I love her and want her back. I know I must keep those things to myself and deal with her on a strictly kids and money basis. Seeings as I cannot leave the kids and move out, does anyone have suggestions on how I can not only stop harming the marriage further, but also make a plan for myself that will give me the best chance to win her back? I am hoping the affair will end on its own in the (hopefully) not to distant future, but I am concerned the longer she is with him the more they will bond and that she may fall in love with this guy. For god sake, he's 37 years old and has an exciting lifestyle I cannot compete with at this point in my life (sport bike rider/drifting cars, free time to wine and dine her.) I do want to move forward in whatever steps will be beneficial to our marriage, and she is very persistent in getting a "6 month trial separation" to evaluate our selves and our marriage. I would like to say that means she has hope we can repair this, but she seems against making any considerable steps to do just that. I feel as though I am just being used as a "safety net" in case things don't work out for her with this guy. She tells me that before she will consider working on fixing this situation she wants to become friends again and that she doesn't want to lose me in her life. I've shared with her that the hurt of the affair, still on going prevents me from just acting like everything is cool between us and allowing us to have a good time together. Last night she stayed the night on the couch for the first time in 3 weeks. This is only the second time she has stayed at all. When we talk about our situation she says its emotionally draining and become very irritable and defensive. I told her today we have to stop talking about our relationship, because I don't want to allow these talks to further damage any hope at even a friendship for our daughters sake. I am unsure if I made the right decisions in even telling her instead of just taking control from my side and avoiding any talking that is unnecessary. I am looking for work and while she says she is supportive and has leads on childcare, I'm still waiting to see if and when she comes up with something. I would like to treat her like I don't need her so she could see me as a better man, but in my situation, without leaving the kids, I am forced to rely on her for many things. We only have one car so we almost always attend to things as a "family" and she takes the car when she leave to go to the other guys house. What should I do?
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Old 08-03-2011, 01:54 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man. I want to work it out but she won't try "right now.

Let her go. Read the thread on "Just let them go." Work on detaching from her emotionally. Work on improving yourself, not for her but for YOU. You can't compete with fantasy. It's impossible.
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Old 08-03-2011, 02:20 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man. I want to work it out but she won't try "right now.

I have been searching for it and can't seem to find that thread. Do you by any chance have a link?
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Old 08-03-2011, 02:21 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man. I want to work it out but she won't try "right now.

NM. I found it
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Old 08-03-2011, 02:32 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man. I want to work it out but she won't try "right now.

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Originally Posted by FixMyHead View Post
. I feel as though I am just being used as a "safety net" in case things don't work out for her with this guy.
That's exactly what she is doing and as long as you continue to be there for her, she will have no motivation to move away from him and to-wards you. Read Dodson's "Love Must be Tough" to understand how chasing her only drives her further away. You'll receive a lot of advice about the 180 which works with many of the same theories, examples, rules..... Believe it or not, you have a better handle on the situation already than most do when they first come here.
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Old 08-03-2011, 02:35 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man. I want to work it out but she won't try "right now.

Let her go and take that safety net away. You are so correct in this fact that you are her safety net and she will do what it takes for you to be her doormat.

I could almost bet that if she had to bring your kid into the OM life he would trop her like a hot potatoe.

Besides that she is also cake eating. There is no reason for her to change the way things are. She has it made she has the OM to treat her like a women and she has you to treat her like a wife. I mean come on if you want a change it will take *you* to make it happen. She has appsolutly no reason to change things......again she has it made.

I see your stuck between a rock and a hard place, so I strongely suggest you bring in family and friends for support, mostly finacial support. Once you get back on your feet you can pay them back. Even if you can take the kid and move back in with family it will be in the right direction.

No matter what it takes stop making this affair convienent for her. By making this affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible it will push her more towards reality.

So expose this affair, distance her from you and the kid, and piss her off, yes it will also push her further away, but her fantasy must be interrupted with the reality that you can no longer continue on like this. It will at least get her to second guess her choices and dicisions.

or

Stay were you are and milk off her GI benifits until you can't stand it any more and then end up doing something stupid. It sounds like she pays the bills so go a head and live off her as long as you can stand it. Just don't plan on her making any changes as long as you don't make any changes for your self.

Get it? She won't change if you don't change. Again shake her from this fantasy she is in by giving her a taste of reality when you take the kid and move on...sure this will take some help from family and friends but I would think that once they are awere of whats going on they would be more then happy to get you out of a unhealthy marriage.
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Old 08-03-2011, 03:25 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man. I want to work it out but she won't try "right now.

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Stay were you are and milk off her GI benifits until you can't stand it any more and then end up doing something stupid. It sounds like she pays the bills so go a head and live off her as long as you can stand it. Just don't plan on her making any changes as long as you don't make any changes for your self.
I have been thinking this is my only real option. Her parents offered to move the girls and I out to Denver with them, because they also feel that till she loses "us" she wont give in either way or make the necessary effort to fix this between us. I'm only concerned that it is "her" parents, so I'm not sure I can presue that option without the possibility of setting myself up for more drama. They are great people, but I've always been told "Blood is thicker than water." They want to do it supposedly because its whats best for the kids, and I believe them in that.

The "Just let them go" thread made good points that I have to do this for me. I have tried that approach before and because I was doing it to win her back, obviously when she gave some effort I folded and took what I could get. The question I have now is, if I am able to do this honestly for myself, and she comes around and breaks off her affair, do I then attempt to work things out with her or is the whole point that regardless of what she does I just need to say f*** off to her and be finished with our relationship. I don't see either the option of being friends with her even if the affair is still going on. She hates that I've mentioned that before, and while I would still like to be friends, I shouldn't have to allow her to walk on me to get even that "relationship" with her. Sucks to know what you want and what you have to do are to different things.
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Old 08-03-2011, 03:34 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man. I want to work it out but she won't try "right now.

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Sucks to know what you want and what you have to do are to different things.

Yes, it does. I think you have to come to a point in your own mind that you have completely let go of her and moved on with your life. Sometimes, apparently, they can have a true change of heart. I've believed several of the fake ones, so I wouldn't advise you to jump on the opportunity to reconcile if she cries and says she wants to work on the marriage. IF you think you want to reconcile later on, several posters here can give you guidance on that when the time is appropriate. For now, I would say the best thing for you to do is to let her go.

I am only on day 3 of my separation/preparation for divorce. I've gone through what you are going through in many ways. I've made many mistakes and believed the crap too many times. Everyone is different. Your wife is not my wife. You are not me. Only you can ultimately decide what you need to do. I'm just offering my thoughts based on what I perceive to be my similar situation.
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Old 08-03-2011, 03:37 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I'm just offering my thoughts based on what I perceive to be my similar situation.
Much appreciated! I was reading your post just now. Im sorry to hear your going through this. This will be my second marriage and God willing last one. My first was a "shotgun" wedding so when that ended no one was surprise. This one was a huge slap in the face and caught me pretty much by surprise.
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Old 08-03-2011, 06:50 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man. I want to work it out but she won't try "right now.

Clearly, after reading the thread, I have given up a lot of what it means to be a man and sacrificed things for a woman that lost a huge deal of respect for my sacrifice. Only thing is clear after reading RobX's posts. Many of us in this situation as men try and meet our STBXW "I didn't get my emotional needs met" by providing the things that drive them away. Weak behavior (i.e. begin, pleading, pledging love and doing nice things for them) as thing that repulse them. Being "easy" has opened my eyes as to why my wife would rather be with someone who when asked what they are would rather say "I don't really wanna put a label on it" to her than with someone who seems easy like me. If she wants me back, its time for her to make things right or get the hell outta my way while I get on with my life!
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Old 08-03-2011, 08:24 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man. I want to work it out but she won't try "right now.

FixMyHead

This is how I understand your posts: your wife (active duty navy) is having an affair and living with a man who is also active duty navy or military.

If this is the case you have one of the greatests weapons to end this......pulling from my notes from law school days.

Article 134 - Adultery under the Uniform Code of Military Justice
Elements.

(1) That the accused wrongfully had sexual intercourse with a certain person;

(2) That, at the time, the accused or the other person was married to someone else; and

(3) That, under the circumstances, the conduct of the accused was to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the armed forces or was of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces.

Explanation: Adultery is clearly unacceptable conduct, and it reflects adversely on the service record of the military member.

2) Conduct prejudicial to good order and discipline or of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces. To constitute an offense under the UCMJ, the adulterous conduct must either be directly prejudicial to good order and discipline or service discrediting. Adulterous conduct that is directly prejudicial includes conduct that has an obvious, and measurably divisive effect on unit or organization discipline, morale, or cohesion, or is clearly detrimental to the authority or stature of or respect toward a servicemember. Adultery may also be service discrediting, even though the conduct is only indirectly or remotely prejudicial to good order and discipline. Discredit means to injure the reputation of the armed forces and includes adulterous conduct that has a tendency, because of its open or notorious nature, to bring the service into disrepute, make it subject to public ridicule, or lower it in public esteem. While adulterous conduct that is private and discreet in nature may not be service discrediting by this standard, under the circumstances, it may be determined to be conduct prejudicial to good order and discipline. Commanders should consider all relevant circumstances, including but not limited to the following factors, when determining whether adulterous acts are prejudicial to good order and discipline or are of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces:


(a) The accused's marital status, military rank, grade, or position;

(b) The co-actor's marital status, military rank, grade, and position, or relationship to the armed forces;

(c) The military status of the accused's spouse or the spouse of co-actor, or their relationship to the armed forces;

(d) The impact, if any, of the adulterous relationship on the ability of the accused, the co-actor, or the spouse of either to perform their duties in support of the armed forces;

(e) The misuse, if any, of government time and resources to facilitate the commission of the conduct;

(f) Whether the conduct persisted despite counseling or orders to desist; the flagrancy of the conduct, such as whether any notoriety ensued; and whether the adulterous act was accompanied by other violations of the UCMJ;

(g) The negative impact of the conduct on the units or organizations of the accused, the co-actor or the spouse of either of them, such as a detrimental effect on unit or organization morale, teamwork, and efficiency;

(h) Whether the accused or co-actor was legally separated; and

(i) Whether the adulterous misconduct involves an ongoing or recent relationship or is remote in time.

(3) Marriage. A marriage exists until it is dissolved in accordance with the laws of a competent state or foreign jurisdiction.

(4) Mistake of fact. A defense of mistake of fact exists if the accused had an honest and reasonable belief either that the accused and the co-actor were both unmarried, or that they were lawfully married to each other. If this defense is raised by the evidence, then the burden of proof is upon the United States to establish that the accused's belief was unreasonable or not honest.".


Fight for you marriage if you want to: Go to his and her commanding officer........if you don't think they will move on this , tell them you are going to file a complaint with JAG.....failure to act on an UCMJ complaint can ruin the careers of your wifes and her lovers careers......don't wait do it....

YOU HAVE A HUGE WEAPON HERE TO SAVE YOU MARRIAGE THAT THOSE OF US IN THE CIVILAN WORLD WHO WHERE BETRAYED WISH WE HAD! Good Luck
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Old 08-03-2011, 11:11 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I have considered taking it to her command for the sake of if nothing else they will stop her from continuing the affair. The thing is, because I love her I don't want to force the affair to be over. She needs to choose to be with me for it to work and if she won't then, because I love her I have no need for revenge. The best revenge ultimately is getting over her anyways which is inevitable. I gave her the, I am done completely speech tonight in my most polite, smile filled manor and sent her on her way with a hugely confused look on her face and eyes watered up. I explained that even being friends is a joke after all this, and the best we will ever have in any foreseeable future is a civil understanding when it comes to dealing with the kids and the current living arrangements. I told her that being as she couldn't choose between the OM and I that I would make the choice for her because I deserve so much better than chasing her around. I told her I hope he makes her happy and that she didnt need to worry, I would find real happiness with someone else to whom I was a priority not an option. It pains me to tell her good bye, but I know moving on in my life is whats best for myself and the children, and if she decided to turn around some time in the future, we will see how that works out at a very slow, controlled pace. Ty all for your help, I learned more today then from a month and a half searching stupid "buy this program" sites.
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Old 08-04-2011, 06:24 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Old 08-04-2011, 06:36 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man. I want to work it out but she won't try "right now.

Understood, and I commend your conversation with your wife.

What I assume is that your wife is just a piece off a$$, no REAL emotional connection. I am suggesting you go to his command, as his command to end the relationship on his own accord - to make the decision to dump her for the sake of his career. You might go to one if the Padres if you want to keep it out ofthe scope if the command authority.

You wife is in a fog (others can explain that better than I can - I do know that when they are in a fog - common sense, logic, and past moral codes don't apply.

Think on this brother, she is in the military - our forces have a certain mindset - she most likely respect you if she saw you fighting for her, your marriage, and your family with all the weapons at your disposal - 'shock and awe' - some times it is appropriate to kill a mosquito with a hammer!
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Old 08-04-2011, 08:04 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man. I want to work it out but she won't try "right now.

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I gave her the, I am done completely speech tonight in my most polite, smile filled manor and sent her on her way with a hugely confused look on her face and eyes watered up. I explained that even being friends is a joke after all this, and the best we will ever have in any foreseeable future is a civil understanding when it comes to dealing with the kids and the current living arrangements. I told her that being as she couldn't choose between the OM and I that I would make the choice for her because I deserve so much better than chasing her around. I told her I hope he makes her happy and that she didn't need to worry, I would find real happiness with someone else to whom I was a priority not an option. It pains me to tell her good bye, but I know moving on in my life is whats best for myself and the children, and if she decided to turn around some time in the future, we will see how that works out at a very slow, controlled pace. Ty all for your help, I learned more today then from a month and a half searching stupid "buy this program" sites.
Well done.

I am glad that you followed the script in the thread I started "Just Let Them Go" in the 'Coping With Infidelity' forum. Rob X is amazing and his insights should be required reading for all betrayed spouses.

One suggestion though. Read the script over and over again, day in day out. I say this because there is a tendency for many betrayed spouses to revert to their old, ineffective ways and end up back to square one, miserable and pathetic. Make the words in "Just Let Them Go" part of who you are. They will get you off the emotional roller coaster ride by making you an emotionally strong and attractive man who is not afraid to move on with his life and search for the happiness he deserves.
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