Re: Question: re "the safety net"
In many affairs, the AP (affair partner) meets some needs but not all of them. That may be the case with your wife's OM (other man). And since you have not filed for divorce, the impression on your wife is that you still love her and are willing to take her back and therefore there is no need to rush to end her affair since you have chosen to put you life on hold for her indefinitely. She is selfish and you have been feeding her selfish behavior by not allowing reality to bite her in the a**.
"I have been bent and broken, but I hope, into a better shape"