Question: re "the safety net" - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-03-2011, 07:37 PM Thread Starter
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Question: re "the safety net"

We often hear people refer to their spouse using them as a safety net in case their new relationship fails. My question is, do you think people plan to do this as a matter of course or is it an unconscious act?
My wife's failure to move any further on our separation has led many to advise me that she is simply clinging to our relationship in case things don't work out in her new life. Personally, I find it hard to believe she would be so calculated, but perhaps I'm wrong. Are people really this crass? Thoughts....

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-04-2011, 07:49 AM
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Re: Question: re "the safety net"

The longer you pay all her bills, the more fun she can have with the new man.

Relationships are pretty easy when you see that person for a few hours each day. Don't have to worry about a house, kids, or bills.

It's like hike school! only their stbx is paying for their bills instead of their parents.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-04-2011, 08:10 AM
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Re: Question: re "the safety net"

I dont believe its premeditated. I think it is a defense mechanism because of the level of comfort that they deep down realize is there. But when a crazy man starts flinging poo, you gotta head for the hills.

His delay, is not a denial.
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-04-2011, 08:19 AM
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Re: Question: re "the safety net"

I have been guilty of this. There is really no excuse for it. I had a BF whom I loved but I was not in love with, I never had been. I stayed in the relationship FAR too long because I REALLY didn't want to be alone (I had all sorts of issues with being aloen). When I finally got up the nerve to break up with him, since I couldn't handle being alone, I told him I wanted to take a "break" rather than totally break up. After about a week I told him it was over permanently - I sort of needed to step down from being in a relationship to being single.

I was seriously messed up. This is not healthy behavior but I can tell you that yes, it can be "premeditated" although the person doing it thinks they "need" to do it that way. Sorry to say. Because it sucks for the other person.
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-04-2011, 08:19 AM
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Re: Question: re "the safety net"

In many affairs, the AP (affair partner) meets some needs but not all of them. That may be the case with your wife's OM (other man). And since you have not filed for divorce, the impression on your wife is that you still love her and are willing to take her back and therefore there is no need to rush to end her affair since you have chosen to put you life on hold for her indefinitely. She is selfish and you have been feeding her selfish behavior by not allowing reality to bite her in the a**.

'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-04-2011, 08:26 AM
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Re: Question: re "the safety net"

Well also in some instances the person having the affair doesnt want to add to the pile of defining actions that make them the "bad guy", and some ridiculous sense of concern for your feelings (or possibly, just their own sense of themselves) they want to let it "ease" out and be over with, instead of cutting it right off.

His delay, is not a denial.
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 08-04-2011, 03:21 PM
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Re: Question: re "the safety net"

I felt like a backup plan because of the lies.

I filed and divorced in 4 months after he flipped out.

Finally got the house sold, I am moving in 10 days and he starting to say things like when you come over and I will help you with the Algebra. I just nod and say huh uh. I have no plans for seeing him. I guessh is EA is busting since he mentioned about boredom and I told him to be careful, you can make mistakes and he said you have no idea.

Well it is water under the bridge now. He made his bed and he can lie on it but not with me.
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