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Originally Posted by voryn  A few years back the W was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. albeit a higher functioning borderline. |
Voryn, most folks diagnosed with BPD are high functioning. Yet, for several reasons, it is unusual for a therapist to tell a HF BPDer (person with strong BPD traits) that she has that disorder. One reason is that a HF BPDer almost certainly will immediately terminate therapy on hearing that dreaded diagnosis. Even if they do not quit, it is rare for a HF BPDer to stay in therapy long enough to make a difference. My exW, for example, went to weekly therapy for 19 years with six different psychologists -- at enormous expense to me. Because BPDers are unstable, they are always "improving" every two or three weeks -- the same way that smokers are always quitting just as frequently. In retrospect, I can see that my exW never improved. On the contrary, she got worse because she never was willing to confront her illness and start managing it.
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She masked it pretty well with strangers and in her social ficade.
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HF BPDers typically can interact very well all day long with business associates, casual friends, and complete strangers. None of those folks pose a threat to the BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. Namely, there is no close LTR to be abandoned. And there is no intimacy that could cause engulfment and suffocation. Only loved ones can trigger those two fears. This is why it is common for a HF BPDer to be caring and generous all day long to strangers and then go home that night to verbally abuse the very people who love her.
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I helped out regularly with our D's diapers feeding cooking cleaning all of it i kept my sanity by telling my self that my W couldn't help it she had a disorder that made her this way and it's my job to take care of her.
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Big mistake. Granted, it is not her fault that she acquired the disorder in early childhood. It is her fault, however, that she refuses -- every day -- to accept responsibility for her own actions. Instead, she chooses to think of herself as "the victim," always the victim. Her only chance of having to confront her issues and start learning how to control them is for you to hold her fully accountable for all of her bad behavior -- including her laziness and verbal abuse. Of course, if you had been doing this, she likely would have walked out and left you years ago.
Hence, by choosing to keep walking on eggshells to avoid triggering her anger, you have been harming her by allowing this adult woman to continue behaving like a spoiled young child who feels entitled to everything you do for her. For that reason, and because her reality consists of whatever intense feeling she is experiencing at the moment, she likely is incapable of appreciating your gifts and sacrifices. This is why, with a HF BPDer, it's always "What have you done for me lately."
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She had stopped cooking regularly, never dusted or vacuumed, never cleaned up after herself in the bathroom or kitchen, and yet she continued to expect me to do everything i'd been doing as a husband and provider heaping on top of that i had to come home to a dirty house. no food cooked.
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Like I said, she feels she is entitled to whatever sacrifices you make. Even on those rare times when she does genuinely appreciate your gift, that feeling cannot last long because a BPDer cannot control her own emotions. She therefore will experience such an intense tide of feelings surging through her mind in a few days that it will wash away her appreciative feelings. Hence, trying to build up a store of good will (that could carry you through the bad times) is impossible with a BPDer. Trying to do so is the equivalent of building a sand castle beside the sea. It will be washed away by the next tide.
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My sex drive was dead I had no desire to have sex with her she had stopped taking care of her body along with her mental health. But if i refused to have sex with her she would turn her mega guilt beam on me and blast away, so to avoid the guilt trip i would just give in.
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Because BPDers are EXTREMELY uncomfortable experiencing mixed feelings about anything, they usually do black-white thinking, wherein they categorize everyone as "all good" or "all bad." This is why -- following a five hour temper tantrum -- your W can flip, in ten seconds, from hating you to loving you again. My exW, for example, would do that, suddenly wanting to jump into bed with me. Yet, because I was in touch with all of my feelings (including the searing, hateful image of her cussing me out for hours), it would be several days (sometimes weeks) before I had any desire to have sex with her again. Because she had no idea that most people cannot suddenly lose all contact with their bad feelings, she was often accusing me of "holding a grudge" and "putting up a wall."
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My problem now is that I want to believe her and I want to trust her but I'm having issues with trusting her now.
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Because BPDers are so unstable that they cannot trust themselves, they typically are incapable of trusting a spouse for any extended period. Significantly, when a woman cannot trust you, you cannot trust her because she can turn on you at any time, suddenly believing you are the devil incarnate. Hence, even if the virtual affair had never occurred, it would be unwise for you to trust a BPDer who has not had several years of treatment. This deficit does not bode well for your marriage because such a relationship -- and friendships as well -- must be built on a foundation of trust.
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I'm having feelings of resentment towards her soo much so that when I came home from work i'd be depressed to see her...eventually this eroded our communication skills.
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A lack of communication skills is the least of your problems, IMO. If that was all you had to deal with, the two of you could go to a MC to learn such skills. With a HF BPDer, however, MC usually is ineffective because the issues are far more serious and difficult to treat. She must learn how to do self soothing; how to intellectually challenge her intense feelings instead of accepting them as truths; how to trust herself and you; and how to stop the black-white thinking. To do any of those things, she first must acquire sufficient self awareness to recognize her issues -- and acquire sufficient ego strength to be willing to handle the pain and fear of doing therapy.
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I still don't have those "lets move back in together " feelings. Will I ever have them? Will I ever trust her again?
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I don't know. What I do know is that it is going to be very difficult, with an emotionally unstable W, for you to know when she is actually improving. As I noted earlier, unstable folks "get better" every few weeks but it rarely lasts.
In my case, I patiently spent a small fortune on my exW's therapy sessions for 15 years. During the first half of that period, I knew she was not getting better but I figured that -- in stirring up her painful childhood memories of sexual abuse -- she would have to get worse before getting better. As to the last half of that period, I simply deceived myself into thinking that she seemed to be getting a little better. That fantasy was eventually crushed when, after deciding to divorce me, she had me arrested on a bogus charge so she could keep me out of my own home during the 18 months it takes to get a divorce here. If you would like to read more about my experiences with a BPDer exW, you may want to look at my posts in Blacksmith's thread. They start at
Complicated Marriage Dynamic. Take care, Voryn.
Lost and confused need advice. 
