why is this so hard for me?

wild_irish_rose · 08-06-2011, 04:27 PM

My husband and I have been separated for 7 years. We haven't even seen each other in over a year now and he hasn't used his visitation with our son since last Father's Day (2010). I don't understand why he hasn't filed for divorce (pretty sure he's living with another woman) and I don't understand why I can't bring MYSELF to file for divorce....

We originally separated because of reasons beyond our control. But when those reasons no longer existed, he made it clear to me he wasn't interested in our living together again. But it's like we're in some kind of crazy stalemate each of us waiting for the other to file the paperwork.

that_girl · 08-06-2011, 04:45 PM

File for divorce. 7 years??

jason29927 · 08-06-2011, 05:17 PM

If you don't understand why you can't bring yourself to do it, go see a counselor. They will help you figure out why and that will break the stalemate.

jeffsdesigns · 08-06-2011, 05:23 PM

Um..after 7 years?
I do think, if he was too lazy to file for Divorce.
I'd file it for him and be done with it.

wild_irish_rose · 08-06-2011, 05:26 PM

I already have seen a counselor. Pretty much figured out it's because I was brought up in a family and a church where divorce was considered a HUGE no-no. However, knowing that is my problem has not helped me to get past it and I can't figure out why. Part of me keeps hoping he will come back even though I don't even have any feelings for him anymore other than hurt and anger that he doesn't even want to see his child. Part of me simply doesn't want to let go without understanding WHY he wanted out and he won't tell me that. He won't talk to me at all. I've gone so far as going to the county courthouse to start the paperwork - ended up crying so hard I had to leave without getting it done.

And I know our marriage would never be the same as it used to be even if we did get back together. He said too many hurtful things on the day that he told me he wanted out, like that he only married me until he got sick of me or found someone "better." But I just can't let go - I feel like something is holding us together. I've had well-meaning people from my church tell me God is holding me back but I just don't know if I believe that or not anymore.

that_girl · 08-06-2011, 05:27 PM

Let go. Why hold on to someone who doesn't want to be with you?

Separated79 · 08-06-2011, 06:05 PM

you got to let go..and let god...being divorced doesn't mean you are not meant to be together anything is possible as long as you are living maybe not in your time but in god's time...believe in the power of love if your husband has feelings for you he will do some thing to make things work again...it seems like you are the one that has been holding on...7 years is too long you must really love him that much despite the hatred...release yourself from the pain so you can find hapiness again.

wild_irish_rose · 08-06-2011, 06:31 PM

No - I don't love him. I can honestly say that. I can even say that there's really not a lot of pain - just confusion and this feeling of living in limbo. And this crazy, but HUGE, feeling that if I divorce him I will be making the biggest mistake of my life.

Although it doesn't help that the last time I saw him, despite it being over a year ago now, we had a really good time together and were actually talking the possibility of reconciliation. Only for him to disappear from my life from that day on. He's never been the type to play mind games with people so I don't understand what happened.

that_girl · 08-06-2011, 07:09 PM

He let you go! That's what happened. Get a divorce and try to move on. If you don't love him---what are you doing?

Jellybeans · 08-06-2011, 07:24 PM

You are the only one holding on. For nearly a decade. That's very sad. Get therapy. Find out why you keep trying ans hoping for someone who has blanked you from their life a long time ago. This is extremely unhealthy.
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chattycathy · 08-18-2011, 10:27 PM

Wait a minute.
I totally understand (been sep. two years and not communicated all that time).
Part of you still feels love for him. Because you don't communicate, you have't destroyed the love that is left. You might have financial security that comes with staying married?
A lot of people are seperated for life and never divorce. A lot.

Obviously you have not dated? Met anyone you want to have a relationship with?

At this point......why don't you file and be done with him. It doesn't mean its over forever but it might be. Just file and see what doors are in your future. Be brave. Hugs.

(I am not ready myself and get it if you have not done it....but.....please be brave yourself).