I don't know how some people do it!
Here is my story:
Married 6 years, Dated/Engaged 3 years. So we have been together over 9 years. We have 1 daughter who is 2.
We have had a tough time with our daughter. She has severe myopia, (Near sighted) she wears contacts or glasses. (This has been one of the issues in our relationship.)
Marriage, well has not been easy, but, that's what can make is so rewarding.
My background, youngest of 3 kids, My parents are still together and are 40+ years into there marriage.
Her background, youngest of 2, Her parents divorced when she was 7. So she has floated between her parents, and there divorce dragged on and on and on, the lawyers won!
Where to start. (How about backwards.)
How about in 3 days we go to our first court meeting as she has filed for divorce. (again.) (Handed me the papers in marriage counseling, the marriage counselor was a bit shocked.)
She first filed in March,(Nothing like getting police offers at your door after a long day of work.) but by some miracle she persuaded herself to pull the papers, and we would continue on the MC.
Her issues essentially boils down to she feels that marriage she does not feel "equal".
I have always desired my wife, now I may have lacked in the romance department (Think her emotionally needs, over physical) to get her there, but I have always had a healthy appetite for my wife, and only her. Even right now, I just want to hug her, hold her hand, and be with her...
This in-equality issue is either money, sex, free time, chores all of it.
She has been for the last 2 years a SAHM. We both decided it was best for our child. I work in IT, and have the 50 hour work week, and sometimes the middle of the night pages.
With our child she had severe PPD, she had a bit of depression before hand also. She has been in IC for a year now, on anti-depressants, and essentially feels as if she is a different person now, and resents who I am, and does not want to work in this marriage any longer. I feel as if she is going thru a mid-life crisis or something...
Anyways, I hate having to join this board, but now understand why such a board exists.
I am going thru the 5 stages of grief so many different times at parts of the day, it can be so over-whelming.
I am headed back to IC on monday again, because I only went a few sessions when things were improving again for us. But, sometimes I dont know how people do it.
Just need to vent and get it off my chest some how..
I am afraid for the future.
I am sad and afraid for my daughter, that I do not have the opportunity to give her the childhood that I loved so much, being in a very cohesive happy family. (yes there were up and downs, but thats what family is all about.)
I am sad for my STBXW that she feels this way about our marriage.
I am sad for me, on, I am having a hard time letting go all of it.
As time marches on things will become clear, and you will know what is the best course for all your issues and fears. Been where you are and got the battle scars (emotionally) to prove it.
I hear ya, does not make it any easier.
Sometimes you want to hit the fast forward button.
Other times you want to hit the rewind button.
Some times you want to hit the pause button.
Then you realize you grabbed the wrong remote control all this time!
*ugh*
More fun:
First day of daycare for my daughter, whew holding in the tears on that one.
Time to meet with a realtor today, to get the house on the chopping block, boy, talk about going underwater on it.
It's so interesting to see how motivated she is now to clean the house. Where was this behavior the last few years?
This will probably end up just being an open journal to the rest of my crazy time in this weird place... Just venting again.
CleanStart, just know that the beginning of this journey is always the toughest. You will be in Limbo for a long time - be patient, things will get a little easier one way or the other. It's the sitting around wondering, with no clear sense of direction that is the hardest and will be an emotional roller coaster for you.
I am 31 years married, been together for 36, since we were 14 yrs old. Our 3 children are all out of college and married so at least I didn't have to suffer the part about the children, although they were angry and hurt at their mother for calling it quits on our marriage 4 months ago - so I am in my 4th month of semi-separation. My parents have been together for 52 years and are still together; her parents were together for 55 yrs before her dad passed away. I also had to put up my house for sale at a loss. I am letting you know this so you know that all of us on here can offer different perspectives and maybe we can be of some comfort to you during these times.
Try to do things for yourself for now. Exercise, read, learn from whatever it is you think happened; become a better person but not for her, for YOU. Go to IC for yourself if you need to. Like I mentioned before, you will need to learn patience during this time, there is no getting around it, nor is their any such thing as flying past Limbo - you will have to go through it. I wish you the best and don't feel bad nor ashamed to vent on here, that is what we are here for. I use this board as my journal and the folks on here have been great and many have taught me a lot about kindness, caring and growing through the pain of divorce/separation.
I don't know how some people do it!
Here is my story:
Married 6 years, Dated/Engaged 3 years. So we have been together over 9 years. We have 1 daughter who is 2.
We have had a tough time with our daughter. She has severe myopia, (Near sighted) she wears contacts or glasses. (This has been one of the issues in our relationship.)
Marriage, well has not been easy, but, that's what can make is so rewarding.
My background, youngest of 3 kids, My parents are still together and are 40+ years into there marriage.
Her background, youngest of 2, Her parents divorced when she was 7. So she has floated between her parents, and there divorce dragged on and on and on, the lawyers won!
Where to start. (How about backwards.)
How about in 3 days we go to our first court meeting as she has filed for divorce. (again.) (Handed me the papers in marriage counseling, the marriage counselor was a bit shocked.)
She first filed in March,(Nothing like getting police offers at your door after a long day of work.) but by some miracle she persuaded herself to pull the papers, and we would continue on the MC.
Her issues essentially boils down to she feels that marriage she does not feel "equal".
I have always desired my wife, now I may have lacked in the romance department (Think her emotionally needs, over physical) to get her there, but I have always had a healthy appetite for my wife, and only her. Even right now, I just want to hug her, hold her hand, and be with her...
This in-equality issue is either money, sex, free time, chores all of it.
She has been for the last 2 years a SAHM. We both decided it was best for our child. I work in IT, and have the 50 hour work week, and sometimes the middle of the night pages.
With our child she had severe PPD, she had a bit of depression before hand also. She has been in IC for a year now, on anti-depressants, and essentially feels as if she is a different person now, and resents who I am, and does not want to work in this marriage any longer. I feel as if she is going thru a mid-life crisis or something...
Anyways, I hate having to join this board, but now understand why such a board exists.
I am going thru the 5 stages of grief so many different times at parts of the day, it can be so over-whelming.
I am headed back to IC on monday again, because I only went a few sessions when things were improving again for us. But, sometimes I dont know how people do it.
Just need to vent and get it off my chest some how..
I am afraid for the future.
I am sad and afraid for my daughter, that I do not have the opportunity to give her the childhood that I loved so much, being in a very cohesive happy family. (yes there were up and downs, but thats what family is all about.)
I am sad for my STBXW that she feels this way about our marriage.
I am sad for me, on, I am having a hard time letting go all of it.
sighhhhh
I have been married for 33 years. The biggest strain on my marriage overall has been that I work in IT. The times I have been in pure engineering role, like now have been the best. It is still demanding but I have a little more control than at other times.
The times where I have been on radical on call and where I have managed global teams have killed my energies and tend to pull me into a black hole. I have always sucked it up and told myself that I am doing this for my wife and family ... which is absolutely true. But it turns one into a workaholic. You end up always working even when you leave work. You asr never actually not working. The sleep deprivation has gotten to me over the years. Getting truly restful sleep is challenging and it is difficult to not disturb your spouse when paged in the middle of the night. This of course varies from company to company and role to role.
So IT people can bring in good money but it is very tough to stay engaged in a relationship to the level that is needed. It can be done but it takes much work. It usually takes finding a job role that is more marriage friendly and standing your ground and telling your employer no. These days that is going to put one at great risk of losing their job. So it is tough.
If anything this has made it so my wife has carried an equal role in our relationship as I am not always able to "be at the helm".
I would wonder if she has gotten into an EA somehow. Yes she may be overwhelmed with her caring for your child. BUT, what could be her plan to separate from you? Is she just going to put your child in day care and not provide for her special needs? That would a huge conern for me.
Essentailly my wife and I naturally fell into the Captain and First Officer roles. I was in the Navy when we were married. She had to be at the helm when I deployed. Thankfully for us it was not extensive time like for many. But she was pregnant prior to my last cruise and I did get home before she had the baby. There were some shorter one and two week deploys. My wife is a very capable person and in general she runs a lot of the day to day stuff while I focus on my career. I have had times where I was working in R&D during the day and teaching at the University in off hours. Anything big I was involved in and we would come to a concensus. Only on very rare occasions have I had to invoke the Captain role to make a decision for us. Never has it been contenscious. It was just me stepping up and being the man. Most women like that anyway from a sexual perspective.
Hi Entropy3000,
Thanks for sharing your story , thoughts and , ideas.
Yes IT work can be challenging, I have been playing both side of engineering and support unfortunately. Being in IT has also been frustrated in the point that I have never had much of an "outlet" to talk about what happened in my day. To non IT people hearing about some "awk, sed, grep" script you wrote, or why the HBA ports would not log into the san switch is just not very interesting (Unless they are as much a geek as you ) Fortunately, My company lets me work from home, and is very flexible, and I have a great manager..
Before we had our child she was working a job that was about a 1 hour commute. It turned out that with my company for her to be on our insurance, she either had to go on her insurance or go part time. It was better for us that she drop to 32 hours, so she always had Fridays off when she was working. During that time she would get very tired, that her doctor assumed it was her serotonin levels and put her on anti-depressants, (Wellbutrin.) So she had perked up a bit since then..
When we had our daughter, she had severe PPD, I would work a full day, come home and she would be a zombie in front of the computer, our home a mess, and I would question her what is wrong? (I would help clean, and cook, and do grocery shopping) I would wake up most of the times to help feed our child, because we had issues with out child and breastfeeding, my stbxw was pumping for 8 months before her doctor said STOP and put her back on the Wellbutrin.
And here were go with the I think EA:
During that time, she got into IC, contiuned to be on wellbutrin, and thru facebook, started to connect with an old friend. This same old friend was someone, who was friends with her, but, wanted more than a friendship, and she and I were dating at the time. She said no, so he said, I can't be your friend then... Well now 8 years later they re-connect.
Him having all the free time in the world , since he rarely works and lives at home with mom and dad, working on his 3rd masters degree. I find she spends many hours online, playing video games with him, talking on the phone etc. etc. I did not know what the heckle was going on. This was 12-15months ago, by then I was of the mindset that ok, she says nothing is going on, but I was trying to be the "bigger" guy and say, well I should not have to force her to make a decision. (Me or him.)
Looking back I should have given her an ultimatum...
She essentially feels that her whole marriage to me is an in-equality issue. She does not feel like she could spend money with out me being upset, she feels like she always has to ask me about , Can I do this? or Can I do that? For some reason , which she admits, she put us in some "father / daughter" scenario. Well, it seems like the damage is all done, and she can not further on in this relationship. And needs to get out at all costs...
So the house we BOTH picked out, and the cars we BOTH picked out, etc. etc were going to be in the red for very soon.
Just makes you really think about all the hard work and sacrifices one put in, what was is all for?
Hi Entropy3000,
Thanks for sharing your story , thoughts and , ideas.
Yes IT work can be challenging, I have been playing both side of engineering and support unfortunately. Being in IT has also been frustrated in the point that I have never had much of an "outlet" to talk about what happened in my day. To non IT people hearing about some "awk, sed, grep" script you wrote, or why the HBA ports would not log into the san switch is just not very interesting (Unless they are as much a geek as you ) Fortunately, My company lets me work from home, and is very flexible, and I have a great manager..
Before we had our child she was working a job that was about a 1 hour commute. It turned out that with my company for her to be on our insurance, she either had to go on her insurance or go part time. It was better for us that she drop to 32 hours, so she always had Fridays off when she was working. During that time she would get very tired, that her doctor assumed it was her serotonin levels and put her on anti-depressants, (Wellbutrin.) So she had perked up a bit since then..
When we had our daughter, she had severe PPD, I would work a full day, come home and she would be a zombie in front of the computer, our home a mess, and I would question her what is wrong? (I would help clean, and cook, and do grocery shopping) I would wake up most of the times to help feed our child, because we had issues with out child and breastfeeding, my stbxw was pumping for 8 months before her doctor said STOP and put her back on the Wellbutrin.
And here were go with the I think EA:
During that time, she got into IC, contiuned to be on wellbutrin, and thru facebook, started to connect with an old friend. This same old friend was someone, who was friends with her, but, wanted more than a friendship, and she and I were dating at the time. She said no, so he said, I can't be your friend then... Well now 8 years later they re-connect.
Him having all the free time in the world , since he rarely works and lives at home with mom and dad, working on his 3rd masters degree. I find she spends many hours online, playing video games with him, talking on the phone etc. etc. I did not know what the heckle was going on. This was 12-15months ago, by then I was of the mindset that ok, she says nothing is going on, but I was trying to be the "bigger" guy and say, well I should not have to force her to make a decision. (Me or him.)
Looking back I should have given her an ultimatum...
She essentially feels that her whole marriage to me is an in-equality issue. She does not feel like she could spend money with out me being upset, she feels like she always has to ask me about , Can I do this? or Can I do that? For some reason , which she admits, she put us in some "father / daughter" scenario. Well, it seems like the damage is all done, and she can not further on in this relationship. And needs to get out at all costs...
So the house we BOTH picked out, and the cars we BOTH picked out, etc. etc were going to be in the red for very soon.
Just makes you really think about all the hard work and sacrifices one put in, what was is all for?
Oi, feel like a basket case!
An EA can create problems where there is just boredom. Being the bigger man in these situation means you lose out. The bigger man steps in and helps the other spouse out of the EA because they do need help. It is an addiction.
Be aware that the OM may be feeding her with this. And he lives at home with mom / dad so he is going to give stable advice.
Yes, in hindsight we would have told you to tell her that her EA was unacceptable.
Many would have had you look at the Nice Guy stuff on this website. To do the His Needs Her Needs stuff and to visit the Athol's website www.marriedmansexlife.com. The Captian and First Officer is a good model for equality in my opinion anyway. Others are in The 5 Love Languages which I have sitting on top of my Java Persistence with JPA book. I have not read it yet. BUT you cannot fix a relationship while an affair is onging because it takes two for it to work.
Sigh, another day closer to our first court date.
Today was day number 2 for our daughter and day care. First day she did (and me) great. Today, she had a bit of separation anxiety and did not want us to go. You know how it is, the run over to you, and bawl there little eyes out and just want you to hold on to them..
I pretty much was crying all the way into work today.. *sniff*
I have an appointment with my primary doctor today, to get some type of help in the sleep or anxiety department. This whole ordeal literally feels like you are dying from the inside. Feel like I am a big walking mess of emotions, (The whole 5 stages of grief, running all at once..)
I know that my STBXW must be still stuck in this EA with this other guy, why do I know?, well I know now that I can't believe much of anything she says anymore..
A little background to that, I had bought some "groupons" for us all to go eat out dinner a few months back, so I decided to print them off. I found it odd that the groupon home page was not for our state of GA, but the state of NC. (Where OM lives.)
I said outloud to her, "Why is the groupon page defaulted to NC?"
She says, "I dunno", I said, what, are you buying stuff for NC or something?.. "She says in a crackly un-confident voice," No, I was just looking from some special they had awhile back...
Well well, I *know* her basic password scheme, (No keyloggers installed here, I just know her basic password.) So I decided to log in as her, just to see how truthful her words are... So yep, I know I am not been honest by logging in with her account, but when I log in and find out she has been buying groupons in May and June, and sending them as gifts to this "friend" aka. OM, that's a bold face lie to me... So now I am angry that I know of this knowledge, and just so angry that she is breaking up the family...
Don't know what in the last 2 years has been truthful, or has been lies...
Sigh, another day closer to our first court date.
Today was day number 2 for our daughter and day care. First day she did (and me) great. Today, she had a bit of separation anxiety and did not want us to go. You know how it is, the run over to you, and bawl there little eyes out and just want you to hold on to them..
I pretty much was crying all the way into work today.. *sniff*
I have an appointment with my primary doctor today, to get some type of help in the sleep or anxiety department. This whole ordeal literally feels like you are dying from the inside. Feel like I am a big walking mess of emotions, (The whole 5 stages of grief, running all at once..)
I know that my STBXW must be still stuck in this EA with this other guy, why do I know?, well I know now that I can't believe much of anything she says anymore..
A little background to that, I had bought some "groupons" for us all to go eat out dinner a few months back, so I decided to print them off. I found it odd that the groupon home page was not for our state of GA, but the state of NC. (Where OM lives.)
I said outloud to her, "Why is the groupon page defaulted to NC?"
She says, "I dunno", I said, what, are you buying stuff for NC or something?.. "She says in a crackly un-confident voice," No, I was just looking from some special they had awhile back...
Well well, I *know* her basic password scheme, (No keyloggers installed here, I just know her basic password.) So I decided to log in as her, just to see how truthful her words are... So yep, I know I am not been honest by logging in with her account, but when I log in and find out she has been buying groupons in May and June, and sending them as gifts to this "friend" aka. OM, that's a bold face lie to me... So now I am angry that I know of this knowledge, and just so angry that she is breaking up the family...
Don't know what in the last 2 years has been truthful, or has been lies...
ugh.
Yes, this is all about your wife in an affair with another man. That makes all the sense in the world. Do not feel bad about "snooping". Frankly had you realized this sooner, that would have been how you would have been alerted and you could have worked against the affair. There are no secrets in a marriage.
Rough day today..
One day before court day, and I am barely able to keep it together.
I have broken down in tears so many times today its insane, I have been talking with STBXW about how upset I am that this is the end of the journey. She basically feels she has tried her best in the marriage and needs this to end for her to be healthy..
She says she gave it her all. Man this is just such heavy stuff to take in, I just feel like a complete wreck and failure..
CleanStart78~LOVED the analogy! Hit the "Play" button for your new life and fresh start. I am not diminishing your feelings, I am having a TERRIBLE time letting go, and my STBXH does not share this same feelings and is DONE! Living "The single life!!!" .........UGH........He has hurt me and our family in SO many ways with his antics and lifestyle leading up to this, but it is still SO SO SO hard. I doubt anything he's said or done in the last 22 years! I too feel like he's broken up our family.
Hang in there. Try having little or no contact with her if you can. It makes it so much easier. Good luck!
Rough day today..
One day before court day, and I am barely able to keep it together.
I have broken down in tears so many times today its insane, I have been talking with STBXW about how upset I am that this is the end of the journey. She basically feels she has tried her best in the marriage and needs this to end for her to be healthy..
She says she gave it her all. Man this is just such heavy stuff to take in, I just feel like a complete wreck and failure..
I am sorry dude. That sux. I wish I had something better to say tonight.
Well, today is the first day of court and I am an absolute mess...
Barely slept at all, and that is even with sleep meds!
My heart has been racing, and my brain too...
Came down for breakfast, and just could not stop myself form again, becoming a sobbing crying mess, wishing we could continue this journey, I dont want it to stop, I love my family to much, my daughter , my wife (stbxw) and all of it, that we are supposed to be there for eachother in good and bad times!...
She just feels that I only "act" when the threat of divorce is hung over me, boy, its hard to hear that when all this time you have been trying to open up to this person, and they have you believe things are going for the better only to be crushed again with divorce papers...
I am going to be a mess today in court, and I imagine my lawyer is going to have to smack me around..
It's hard to let go, when you care and love so much for your wife, and the family that you are mourning for...
I am trying my hardest to be strong.. but I dont know what else to say..
Well, today is the first day of court and I am an absolute mess...
Barely slept at all, and that is even with sleep meds!
My heart has been racing, and my brain too...
Came down for breakfast, and just could not stop myself form again, becoming a sobbing crying mess, wishing we could continue this journey, I dont want it to stop, I love my family to much, my daughter , my wife (stbxw) and all of it, that we are supposed to be there for eachother in good and bad times!...
She just feels that I only "act" when the threat of divorce is hung over me, boy, its hard to hear that when all this time you have been trying to open up to this person, and they have you believe things are going for the better only to be crushed again with divorce papers...
I am going to be a mess today in court, and I imagine my lawyer is going to have to smack me around..
It's hard to let go, when you care and love so much for your wife, and the family that you are mourning for...
I am trying my hardest to be strong.. but I dont know what else to say..
: (
Hang in there man! I am so sorry. I can see myself there one day although I am praying it won't happen. I hope that you can put this day behind you and that you won't have to dwell on it too long. Live your life now for you. Best of all things to you.
This is tough stuff! 
) Fortunately, My company lets me work from home, and is very flexible, and I have a great manager..
