today is the last straw
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Old 08-07-2011, 04:22 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy today is the last straw

I have been in a terrible relationship for six years. We live separately, and I have refused to move in or marry because of various issues. I have been so unhappy for so long, and today was the last straw.

I went to my parents' house this morning to pick up a few things. I don't get to spend a lot of time with them. The bf always gives me a hard time for spending any time with my parents, and he was planning on coming over, so I cut my time with my parents short as not to upset him. I was home cleaning and making food for him before he got here.

The real reason it was important for him to come over is that I was meeting someone from craigslist to sell some furniture, and I didn't feel comfortable being here by myself. He called me to tell me he doesn't feel like coming anymore because he was too tired (from being up all night doing drugs and playing video games). He also said it's too late for him to be out (2:30 in the afternoon).

This must sound like such an insignificant thing, but I'm done. He has been physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive for years. He is a financial drain on me. If he doesn't care enough to come over when he said he would for my SAFETY, then I can't do it anymore.

I have lost most of my friends because this relationship was so isolating. I'm afraid of being alone but I have to do it. I have never broken up with him before - I told him that I would never threaten it unless I meant it. It sucks because I've "lent" him a few thousand dollars recently that he's been in the process of paying back. That's probably gone.

It's pathetic that he's 40 and I'm 25 and he makes 3x as much as me... yet I'm constantly giving him money for his bills, his child support, and drugs. I know I'm worth more than that. I'm crying as I'm typing this because I'm so scared of being on my own. I've been with him since I was 19, so I haven't really experienced being an adult without being with him.

Oh yeah, and we work together. In a small office. I am dreading work. I just came to this board for some support, since I'm sure many people have been through crap like this before. Above everything else I want the strength to stay away and not let him guilt me into getting back with him!
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Old 08-07-2011, 05:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: today is the last straw

Sounds like an excellent decision. I know it won't be easy, but you deserve better.
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Old 08-07-2011, 09:49 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: today is the last straw

I just got on here. Ask your parents to help you through this. You are doing what is best for you, tell him it's over. Get out of that cycle of abuse and drugs. Your only 25, you have your whole life ahead of you. Find someone that will treat you with respect, kindness and love. Real men do not physically abuse woman - i hope you understand that. Get out of that relationship - yesterday!!!
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Old 08-07-2011, 11:03 PM   #4 (permalink)
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As soon as I started reading I knew he was older. Sometimes older men get into relationships with young women because they think they are easier to control. He may be such a man. He isolates you because he knows a lot more of the world than you.

He knows that with experience and exposure to normal men he could not compete. Do your parents know what is going on? Have you told them he is abusive. Can you get another job and go home temporarily for support. You may need a restraining order.

You need all of the support you can manage. Go to your parent and stay for a while.

Find a man close to your age now - he will be at the same stage in life as you and he will want to get out and explore the world and experience the joy of it. This 40 yo man had his chance to explore but he steals your your chances . In essence he wants you to be 40 with him. Let this sad 40yr old man find a 40 woman who he can control and wants to be shut away with him.

Don't be persuaded to go back he will not change.
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Last edited by Catherine602; 08-07-2011 at 11:11 PM.
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Old 08-07-2011, 11:36 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: today is the last straw

You've kinda never been an adult at all. You're going to love being without him (or anyone else who uses you) sooner than you think.
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Old 08-10-2011, 01:08 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thanks all for the support. It has been tough but I know it's the right decision. It really helps me to hear other points of view - he has told me for so long that I have so many issues and I'm so difficult that no one but him will love me. I know he's just trying to isolate me more by saying that, but after hearing it for so long, it takes a toll on my self esteem.

Work has been difficult. I'm pretty sensitive to others' actions, so it's really hard for me to focus and do my job when he's being a jerk. And it's not that easy to just get up and get a new job - it's tough in my field right now.

He still needs to get his stuff out of my house. I'm planning on giving it to him next week, before I go on vacation, so if he feels like lashing out I will be out of town.

To answer Catherine 602's question, no, my parent's don't know anything (even that we're together). We had a big blow-out about 2 years ago when I was living with him, where he kicked me and all my stuff to the curb in the middle of the night in the rain. My parents had to pick me up. After that, I haven't had the heart to tell them that I was stupid enough to get back with him, so the relationship has been a secret. Which is part of the reason I don't get to spend much time with my parents.
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Old 08-10-2011, 01:47 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: today is the last straw

Oh Child! The sooner you can get out of this relationship the better off you'll be.

Quote:
I'm constantly giving him money for his bills, his child support, and drugs.
What's wrong with this picture? I think you need to wake up to the fact that you're being used.

Quote:
Above everything else I want the strength to stay away and not let him guilt me into getting back with him!
Manipulative people have a tendency to twist things around and make their victims feel like they are the guilty one.

You don't ever want to play this game because you'll always be in the losing end of it.

As young as you are, there is a lot of life left to live and there are plenty of men that would be willing to treat you better.

You never want to be in a situation like this with ANY man. Get out now and feel grateful that you didn't marry and have children. Just imagine how hard that would be heading into a divorce with children.
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Old 08-10-2011, 10:10 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: today is the last straw

I always told my daughters: You're the pretty one. Never ever forget it and never let him think he is. I give you the same advice. If a man knows he has you, then you become less valued. What I mean is, if he knows you're never going to leave and you'll take what he gives then he likely will lose respect for you.

The other thing to keep in mind is, there is nothing you can do to change him. You can't "make" him feel this way or that. You can only change the things you need for yourself. This is a step you need to take. This man is abusive and belittling. Don't find your value in him or anyone else.
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Old 08-10-2011, 11:59 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by confusedinlove View Post
Thanks all for the support. It has been tough but I know it's the right decision. It really helps me to hear other points of view - he has told me for so long that I have so many issues and I'm so difficult that no one but him will love me. I know he's just trying to isolate me more by saying that, but after hearing it for so long, it takes a toll on my self esteem.

Work has been difficult. I'm pretty sensitive to others' actions, so it's really hard for me to focus and do my job when he's being a jerk. And it's not that easy to just get up and get a new job - it's tough in my field right now.

He still needs to get his stuff out of my house. I'm planning on giving it to him next week, before I go on vacation, so if he feels like lashing out I will be out of town.

To answer Catherine 602's question, no, my parent's don't know anything (even that we're together). We had a big blow-out about 2 years ago when I was living with him, where he kicked me and all my stuff to the curb in the middle of the night in the rain. My parents had to pick me up. After that, I haven't had the heart to tell them that I was stupid enough to get back with him, so the relationship has been a secret. Which is part of the reason I don't get to spend much time with my parents.
First - Have you ever head of Stockholm Syndrome? Look it up, you have been a prisoner, now that you are out, you will begin to see your own reality not his dark sick vision.

He picked you out at 19 because you were young enough to look up to him. Now you can see him for the loser he is. Throw him out of your life and your mind. You are the one who will go on to successful relationships he is very unlikely to find a woman who wants him.

There is nothing wrong with you. In fact you sound very well put together young woman. You are smart enough to get out of this know, so give yourself credit.

You should be angry not guilty at kicking him to the curb. His problems are many but he is the only one to solve them.
He took many things away and you owe him nothing but the kick in the butt he deserves.

It will not take you long to recover but you must have NO CONTACT or you will prolong your recovery.

Please tell your parents and rely on their support.

I suggest that you associate with other young people with an optimistic frame of mind and plans for their future. It will boost your joy of life and help you to readjust to a normal life.

Never let a man isolate you and date men who are your equal in ambition and don't be dazzled by older men.

Young men are starting out like you and they have a fresh outlook and a far less likely to have the baggage of an older man looking for a young woman to prop up their ego.
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