soulmates

My husband and I have been married for almost 11yrs. On June 20th he dropped the bomb. He doesn't love me anymore and is totally apathetic to me. When he told me the reasons, I was so shocked! He told me that he never felt respected by me, never felt part of the decision making, afraid to buy himself anything, afraid of confrontation with me, felt like he was walking on egg shells, having to choose his words carefully, felt humiliated by me in front of friends and family. I tell him what to do instead of asking. He did not think I trusted him because I would often call him to see when he would be home and where he was.
I love my husband very much. We have 2 amazing boys. I am willing to do anything for this marriage to work. I immediately started working on things. I made sure that he knew how much I respect him, I think before speaking. I have generally improved my communication. I explained why I would call him and ask where he was. I am unable to work and on top of everything I am depressed.. Calling and talking to him was a way to feel connected. Asking where he was or what he was doing was just part of the conversation. I never ment anything by it. I have apologized to him and to anyone else I treated poorly.
I know that I have really hurt him. I want this marriage to work. I have agreed to separation. How do I stop it from progressing to divorce?

WomanScorned

You have to work on yourself, first and foremost. If you are depressed, get help for it. Do things for you. Get a haircut, treat yourself to something nice. Use this time as an opportunity to grow. I can't give advice on how to avoid divorce as my ex ran right out after the separation and filed for divorce two weeks later. But my ex has another woman.

Girlx

Im soo sorry! I agree about working on yourself. I would also suggest giving him space.. You dont want to bombard him with "im sorry's, I love you's" and all of that. Think about fixing yourself, bettering yourself. Do a yoga class to help relax and unstress.

((Hugs))

Sod

I agree with the advice given. You have to be happy with yourself to be a part of a healthy relationship. I got a similar speech from my wife around the same time after 9 years of marriage. I have taken the time to think about what she said and truly understand where BOTH of us has caused the stress in our marriage. I cant force her to work on us but I can and will focus on improving ME so that I can reunite my family. If it doesnt work out for us, I will still have taken the time to learn from my actions and take the positive improvements in my life forward.

I am very sorry for what you are going through, I know its hard to hear the perceptions of your partner. Take the time to establish who you are and work on you for the long term. Get some exercise, socialize with friends and build up your own confidence. Do it for you and then work on your husband. If you are meant to be together long term he will see that you are listening to his concerns and he should also work on improving himself.

justabovewater

Your story matches mine down to the date he asked for a divorce. It's very difficult to hear about all the things they didn't like in the marriage. All these years (28 together, 23 married) although I knew ours wasn't a perfect marriage I always thought we'd work out differences or get past things. Instead, he kept everything bottled up all this time and never said to me "Look, this is a real problem for me, we need to work on this" and then dropped a bomb on June 20th. I had known since October of 2010 that things were different for him as he started acting the same way your husband did. His behavior sent me into a depression for months. I had this nagging feeling in my gut that he was going to leave me even though every time I asked him he said no. It's been the year from He** for me, but after he moved out (the day before our 23rd anniversary in July) my depression seemed to spontaneously lift. As saddend and hurt as I am from this whole situation the fact that my depression went away like that has me thinking that maybe this is where we're supposed to be.

I agree with the others that you (and I and many others) need to step back, give them the space they need and work on ourselves. Even if our marriages don't come back together we can only come out of this situation better people. Hopefully we will learn from our mistakes and move on to healthier relationships in the future.

soulmates

Thank you all for your help. As soon as he told me I began working on myself. He has already mentioned how much of an improvement he has seen and that even his counselor is impressed.
I am seeing my own counselor who has told me to focus on me. Problem is I do not know how to focus on myself, especially when I have 2 young children. Along with the depression I also have fibromyalgia and arthritis.
I have started looking for a house for just me and the boys. going from owning to renting is crazy and scary. I find it difficult to not tell him things. Right now we are living in the same house and it is very hard not to touch him and tell him how much I love him.
I hope that eventually he will realize that he still has feelings....