"Loves me but not in love with me"
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Old 08-23-2011, 08:30 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default "Loves me but not in love with me"

Not a very useful distinction with it being unhelpful and unclear in equal measure, but that seems to be the root of it.

She admits she still loves me, and will always love me. She says she doesn't ever want to go through her life without knowing I'm there for her, albeit as a friend. She says she values and cares for me, but no longer in that way that makes her look to me as her husband.

She also says she resents me for being a bit of a dreamer and not practical enough (even though it was me who basically reared the children whilst she was out improving her career or on one of her many social gatherings).

I was round the family home the other night for a sleep over with my babies, and it was all genial enough and even affectionate enough with my in laws being there and everything. My father in law, who I have always had a close relationship with, told me she isn't coping anywhere near as well as she's making out, even though she is a pretty hard woman and has it made it clear she's trying to move on.

But it's all so conflicting for me. On the one hand I'm getting all this "what I do is my business, what you do is yours" nonsense, and on the other I'm getting "I still love you, I always want you in my life". I don't think she knows what she wants at all to be honest. I think she's going to find the grass isn't greener either, but even so I feel like I'm living in two different realities at the minute.

I just don't know what to think. I'm full of hurt and pain all the time and I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop crying and nothing seems to make the pain go away. How do people get through this? I feel like I'm going to have to go through this the rest of my life and I don't know if I have the strength to do it.
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Old 08-23-2011, 09:59 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Loves me but not in love with me"

I know it's easy for me to say this, but I think what would be best for your own well being is to think about yourself and what you need to do to get yourself through this time. We can drive ourselves crazy wondering what our spouses thought processes are and trying to figure out what they mean when they say things. For months and months before my husband dropped the D-bomb he would always say to me "I'll always love you". Well, me in my ignorance wasn't recognizing that as a red flag so there I was thinking that he was telling me he loved me and always would, but what he was really saying was I love you, but not as a wife any longer. It all finally came to me...and still comes to me, as I look back at conversations that we had. I've finally gotten to the point where I don't ask him anything about our relationship (or lack of) anymore. To me it seems pointless. He's made his decision and as far as I know he does not want to come back. He's only been gone a month, but I don't see us getting back together.

You're NOT going to go through this the rest of your life. I was where you are just a few short weeks ago. I'm functioning much better. The pain is still there, yes...and will be for some time, but after the shock and awe wear off you'll find yourself crying less and able to function more. I just started a support group last night and though it is very early to tell how it's going to go and how much help it's going to render, I'm glad that I'm putting myself out there with other people who are going through the same thing I am.

You do have the strength, it's in there. Let yourself grieve and it will come to you.
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Old 08-23-2011, 10:12 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Loves me but not in love with me"

Yikes. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but it sounds exactly like what wayward spouses way when they are leaving due to an affair. EXACTLY. The phrase you used in your title is classic. And in my case, I got the, "I love you and I always will" which happened to be my 86 page thread's title. I thought there was no way he'd be unfaithful, but I was wrong.

At this point you need to take care of you. You also need to withdraw those emotional things she's getting from you so she sees what she'll be missing. If she thinks you'll be there for her and care for her and provide those things as a friend, then she has no incentive to stay and work on the marriage. Your instinct is probably to do the opposite and be there for her and support her and change, but that will just smother her.

I also want to say that if it ends, it might seem like the end of the world. But it isn't. You will not only survive, you will come out stronger and a better person, having been forced to grow. I wish you luck! And I do hope I'm wrong. But this has the earmarks of classic infidelity. Hugs!
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Old 08-23-2011, 01:25 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Loves me but not in love with me"

Count,
I never even suspected my wife of having an affair, until I looked that phrase up on the internet in its entirety.
I went to the Yahoo search box and typed just that "I love you but not in love with you".
then I found several forums, articles, etc., of people who had strangely heard the exact same thing! how could this be??
One person had mentioned the cell phone bill, and thats where I started. It was alllll telling!!!
The involvment had been going on for months. I was helping her pay for her 300.00 cell phone bill out of a household account, so she could text her boyfriend hundreds of times a week.

to this day, eleven months later, she still insists she did nothing wrong, but that our marriage was already over, yep, even back on my birthday when she was saying I was her soulmate...
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Old 08-23-2011, 05:03 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Loves me but not in love with me"

To be "in love" with someone is a very selfish part of love. Not that it's a bad thing only that it's not all there is to love. It's saying, "I love the way you make me feel." There's a lot more to love than this. If you want to keep her you're going to have to not only show her your love is deeper than this, you'll need to show her there's more to love than this.
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Old 08-23-2011, 09:39 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Loves me but not in love with me"

The count I feel sorry for you bro. I know exactly how you must feel I heard those exact same words and thought uh oh here we go. Then it wasnt long until she wanted to separate then she wanted a divorce but Im just rolling with the punches. She said I was a good husband etc. Ive heard it all and Im telling you just leave it alone get you a real good lawyer and get past this and move on. It has been hard for me but it does get better it just takes time. I hate to hear that you are going through this.
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Old 08-23-2011, 09:44 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Loves me but not in love with me"

This is very common when a wife is involved in an affair.

Also for your own good take a look at: Married Man Sex Life
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Old 08-23-2011, 10:36 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Loves me but not in love with me"

You don't need to be her friend right now.

She's just trying to relieve her guilt.
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Old 08-23-2011, 11:29 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Loves me but not in love with me"

Sprinter.

I completely disagree with your statement. ALL love between mates is selfish. Every thing we do comes own to "what's in it for me". Look all around these posts...."I do this...but he doesn't do that....or make me feel this...or ignores me when I do that....". Him showing more love to his wife right now is going to look pathetic and weak and clingy. And that is NO way to get that park back. The only selfless love is between a parent and a child.


Count,
You need to man up. In that you need to get back that independent spark you had when you first met your wife. THATs what created that love feeling and attraction from her in the start. Years of being the homemaker, rearing the kids, giving into her needs all the time basically lowered your status and rank in your marriage, until you were basically deprioritized. Now, you raising the kids is by no means a bad thing, but you probably started letting your own independence fall to the wayside and you gave her everything she wanted. Until sh took it for granted. And then, after that, there was just no more attraction to you.

So...start to man up. Go to the gym. Start working out. Stop chasing her. Stop being the one initiating contact with her. Fing a hobby or two. Don't get sucked into those "I always want you in my life" speeches. This is her way of trying to cake eat. She wants to move on, but doesn't want you to. She wants to keep you around just in case.

Show her your not afraid of moving on. Your no longer controlled by her. You are your own person again. Be that strong man you were before. You know, the one she fell in love with.

And, go to the men clubhouse forum here and read a few posts. You will get a lot of great advise in finding yourself again.
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Old 08-24-2011, 08:13 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Loves me but not in love with me"

I've heard it told that as we grow in our relationships with our spouses that the love grows from that initial limerance, feeling on top of the world with someone new, to making the choice to build a life together, trust, honesty, choosing to continue to love once that butterfly feeling is gone, into an acceptance of what allllllll is revealed once the "best foot forward" and imperfections are apparent. Its a choice of acceptance and choice of committment to continue the relationship, build a family, reach mutual goals, help each other reach their own level of happiness and desires. A closer friendship, reliability.. I think the man-up reference will get you to the "attracted to" phase again, but not sure about the long term "choice to continue til you die" sense of a lasting marriage.
The faults will still be there, the imperfections that she chose not to grow beyond. Dirty underwear on the bathroom floor.....
Then you have the outside influences of single friends, and crapola media that constantly make people wonder if there is better out there for them, or insist we are subjecting ourselves to mediocrity if not keeping a harem of lovers on the side.
It could be something as simple as money that makes a person decide to seek companionship elsewhere if life in their current relationship has been difficult because of struggles in that area.
Ive seen great looking manly men get passed over because the loser in the longjohns has an inheritance.
It sux that peoples priorities change as they age as well.However, I think in my case, my wife just lost her mind..
It appears that after awhile most of a lasting relationship is built on both people "choosing" to be there, therefore choosing to love.
I dont think "love" is an unseen uncontrollable force that binds two people together. I think it starts as attraction, becomes a desire to share more of their time and lives exclusively, and then at some point becomes a personal choice to keep it that way, because of the benefits each receives, as well as the desire to provide them, that each should feel. (sounds like a fairy tale?)
The "whats in it for me" feeling denotes problems already existing.
Imagine, two people enjoying making each other happy, becuase it provides themselves a sense of value and worthwhile investment of their energy. Does that exist?
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Old 08-24-2011, 01:42 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Loves me but not in love with me"

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Count View Post
Not a very useful distinction with it being unhelpful and unclear in equal measure, but that seems to be the root of it.

She admits she still loves me, and will always love me. She says she doesn't ever want to go through her life without knowing I'm there for her, albeit as a friend. She says she values and cares for me, but no longer in that way that makes her look to me as her husband.

She also says she resents me for being a bit of a dreamer and not practical enough (even though it was me who basically reared the children whilst she was out improving her career or on one of her many social gatherings).

I was round the family home the other night for a sleep over with my babies, and it was all genial enough and even affectionate enough with my in laws being there and everything. My father in law, who I have always had a close relationship with, told me she isn't coping anywhere near as well as she's making out, even though she is a pretty hard woman and has it made it clear she's trying to move on.

But it's all so conflicting for me. On the one hand I'm getting all this "what I do is my business, what you do is yours" nonsense, and on the other I'm getting "I still love you, I always want you in my life". I don't think she knows what she wants at all to be honest. I think she's going to find the grass isn't greener either, but even so I feel like I'm living in two different realities at the minute.

I just don't know what to think. I'm full of hurt and pain all the time and I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop crying and nothing seems to make the pain go away. How do people get through this? I feel like I'm going to have to go through this the rest of my life and I don't know if I have the strength to do it.
Check your PM.
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Old 08-25-2011, 07:04 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Loves me but not in love with me"

Oh boy - that is definitely a typical wayward's response to why he or she wants to end a marriage or separate. Mine did it and I had a very hard time believing. I thought we were different and that he would never betray me like that. I unfortunately was very wrong.

The "love you but not in love with you" is very common when one spouse has found someone else to bring back all kinds of new, exciting feelings. They may even think they really do love the other person, but usually it's a matter of being stuck smack dab in the middle of fantasy world. That fantasy is driven by the fact that there are no real life problems like bills, kids and discipline, jobs, house repairs, etc., etc., etc.

My stbxh also played the "we'll always be close" card. I found that so offensive, as though I should have been happy for the crumbs he was throwing me. Come to find out, he was looking for a soft landing; he had no idea what he really wanted; and he didn't want me to know about the other woman until HE made the final decision. He moved out before I found out, but then wanted to go to counseling with me a week before he was busted. Once I found out, there was no going back.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this pain. You will get through it, but the process will be slow. The one thing that will help will be to go "no contact" with your spouse. Let her see what it's really like to be without you and the comfort of her own home. Sometimes, this knocks them out of the fantasy fog. If not, it helps you to detach and start healing yourself from the hurt. She may eventually want to come back, but at that point, you may not want her.

Detach, baby yourself right now and take care of your kids. You can't control her or talk her into changing her mind. She made this bed - make her lie in it and take care of you.
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Old 08-27-2011, 05:00 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Loves me but not in love with me"

I love you but I'm not into feeding you or paying any of the bills or going to work or any of that any more.
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