Hi all. First time here. Looks to be a great place to get some well-needed advice from people who don't know me or my partner!
Here goes...
My wife and I have been together for almost 14 years now. She was 16, I had just turned 19. We married 7 years ago.
We have an unbelievable relationship, and almost always have. We're so in sync with each other it's almost scary, and people have always envied what we have together.
Over the years, complacency has set in, and we both knew it. To be honest, I was okay with it, as I was comfortable with my life, and she with hers. At least I thought so. We had many a conversation about this over the years. We have ALWAYS communicated in an open and honest way, and we were always trying to find ways to keep things good, and/or improve upon them. We've never had a problem with communication, ever.
The only real issue we've ever had in our 14 years together is our sex drives didn't match. I consider myself average in that department, in that it is something I need in my life, but not in an addictive "gotta have it right now" way.
She has never had a high sex drive. Over the years, we would have passionate moments where it was great, but that was pretty much because the stars alligned that particular day. These times were few and far between, but they WERE there.
Our sex life was certainly not non-existant, it just wasn't as passionate and hot as I hoped for.
It took me years to initially buy into her theory that it had nothing to do with ME, and all to do with her. As in, some people just don't have a high sex drive, or a drive at all for that matter. She constantly told me she found me attractive and that was nothing physically, mentally or emotionally unattractive about me to her. I believed this, and I still do believe this.
4 days ago, she announces to me that for the past year she has discovered a sexual side to her that never existed before, and that it confused her to no end when it happened. She found that she was looking at other men and having sexual feelings for them - wondering what it would be like, picturing herself with them, etc. In essence, the woman who had never experience being "horny", was starting to have those feelings.
The bad part about this is that she realized that she still did not have those feeling towards ME, even though I was not unattractive to her, etc. This confused her, of course, and over the 1 year period that she had been agonizing about this, she came to the conclusion that in order to get these thoughts out of her head, she needed to act on them.
She was pretty clear that her mind was made up, and that she wanted to seperate indefinitely while she dated other men, and to ultimately experience these overwhelming sexual urges she has, and had never had before.
Several thoughts went through my mind. We've been together exclusively since we were teenagers. She had sexual experiences with several people before we met, so she had her "learning" period. However she did not get to experience that period that most people do in their 20's of utilizing what they learned as teenagers and going out and having as much fun as they can before deciding they want to settle down.
We've always been intimate in every other way. We're constantly holding hands, cuddling, etc. We often take baths by candle light, etc etc etc. There's never been an issue with intimacy, just sex.
I totally agree with her on that, and though it upsets me greatly that she wants this, I allow myself to realize that it is necessary.
The most painful part of this is that this is not something she wants to share with me, the person who's been by her side for all these years. I was never willing to throw away my relationship with her for the sake of having "good" sex elsewhere - something that, as I said, has been missing in my life all these years. It was never important enough to me to think about acting up (whether by suggesting we seperate so *I* can have my fun and come back, or by having an affair).
I feel so betrayed by this. I've been through everything with her, and for her, and she has been too important to me to even consider throwing it away.
And now that she's had her sexual awakening, as it were (something that I assumed she would have as she hit 30 anyway - which helped me get through the lack of desire for all those years) she doesn't want me to be a part of it. I would honestly have rather she had an affair that I never knew about, got it out of her system, and moved on.
The most confusing part of all of this, is that she still loves me. This is hurting her as well, but these voices in her head are too loud to control and she knows she needs to do this. I know she knows what we have together is great, and that it's unlikely either of us will ever find someone that we have such a great connection with again. But she's willing to throw it away for the sake of a few months of, what she thinks, will be enjoyable, meaningless dating and sex.
Obviously I'm biased in this (!) but I can't see how ANYTHING is worth throwing this all away for.
Whew.
The advice I've received from friends and family members thus far has been pretty much the same. That she needs to do this, and that she may come back to the relationship afterwards with a renewed energy, and that things will be even better than they were. That she will recognize that we ARE meant to be together, and that will spark a passion for me.
The last few days I've been up and down. I'll think that this is exactly what will happen one minute. The next I'll convince myself that she has already decided that we're over, but she needs to do this to make 100% sure. (I think that's the most logical outcome, unfortunately...) Another minute I'll sit here and think that she needs to do this, but when push comes to shove, she won't be able to go through with it.
She left for her sisters last night, and plans to be there until the weekend is over at least, but does not know when she's coming back. This was at my urging, as she did not want to leave the house. I couldn't bear to be around her, as all I did was attempt to keep talking to her and I feared it was making things worse.
I have expressed to her that because this is her decision, and that she feels she needs to experience other men, that she should not come back to the house until she's made up her mind 100%. If she decides it's not what she wants, then she can come back. If she knows she has to do it, I believe she shouldn't come back here at any point. Personally, I don't have anywhere practical to go, and beyond that, I don't think *I* should have to be the one to uproot my life so she can go through with this. But I know she's going to want to come back in a few days because she's missed her own bed, and the comforts of home. She basically wants to have her cake and eat it too.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for right now, I'm not sure any advice will help. I guess if anybody here has gone through something similar, I'd love to hear how you coped, and what the outcome is. I'm not a particularly negative person, but I think the writing is on the wall, and that this is over. But if anybody has a happy ending to this, let me know!
I have no doubt your wife loves you very much, she sees you as someone she can talk to, a great friend... but I feel there's no sexual chemistry at all there where she's concerned. It's almost as if she feels the relationship is more one of brother/sister type and even she doesn't understand this. Now that she's maturing she IS starting to notice the opposite sex and have sexual feelings towards them in a way she's never felt with you. She probably knows too how crazy you are on her and in a way takes that for granted, she knows you won't run off to be with anyone else.
Unfortunately, nothing you can do will change her mind about how she's feeling right now. You can give her ultimatums but I don't think that will keep her with you. We all have choices to make in life and if she feels so strongly that she wants to go out and "experience" what it's like to be with another man then you will never stop her. If you tried to, she'd only resent you for it and your relationship would become more distant.
You were right to suggest she move out for a while until she gets her head together. I would let her know though that you ALSO will test the waters out there (even if you have no intention of doing so). This will make her think, to imagine you with someone else instead of remaining faithful only to her! And she might not like that feeling...
You need to remain strong about this, don't run after her and call her all the time, treat it as a break and above all GIVE HER SPACE... let her miss you and want you again. She may come back and tell you it's the best thing she's ever done and that she knows now she can never get back together with you... OR she will see that the grass is NOT greener on the other side and come back to you with open arms. Until then it's a waiting game.
I wouldn't wait too long though, I suggest say 3 months. If she hasn't made her mind up by then, then unfortunately it's doubtful if your marriage will last.
In the meantime remain strong, keep positive and busy and keep me informed how things go.
Thank you, that's pretty much what everyone else is telling me, too, so it just continues to confirm it all.
I have already decided to give her her space and not bug her about this. It's hard, but I'm level-headed, and know that the more one bothers the other, the more likely it is that they will not come back. It gets to be an annoyance after a while, and that leads to anger and resentment. And that leads to a decision being made, and not in my favour.
As for me stating that I will go out and date other people while she is doing the same, she is the one that suggested I do that. That speaks volumes to me, so I kind of already know what the outcome of this will be.
I still hold out hope that she does come back, after experiencing what she needs to. It doesn't look good, though, from everything I've heard or read.
She's only suggesting you go out and do the same out of GUILT Alex! I don't think for one minute that she thinks you'd ever cheat on her. Besides, if she wants to "experience" then she's got to say the same to you! Maybe if you tell her you agree and you will do the same and 'test the waters' then she might think differently.
In the meantime don't right off your marriage just yet. KEEP POSITIVE! Reaffirm in your mind that things are going to be okay. Send positive thoughts out to the universe and you'll get positivity back again. Keeping positive thoughts holds a lot more importance than one might think...
I'm definitely trying to be positive. I'm a wreck inside, but everyone I've spoken with about this is amazed that I'm handling this so well. That probably makes me sound like I've resigned myself to the inevitable, which, to a certain degree, I probably have, but I do still have hope.
In any case, I asked her point blank if she's telling me to go out and experience these things out of guilt. She was adamant in that, no, it was not.
I believe her, and I don't. I think she recognizes that if she is to do what she wants to do (in this case date other men) that that offer has to be on the table for me, as well. She respects me enough to not think that she can have permission to do this and that I will wait until she's done it and decides whether she's coming back to me or not.
But on the negative side, I don't believe that she actually does mind if I go out and date, and have sex with other people, and that's also one of the main points that's killing me. She seems perfectly okay with it all and said that if we were to get back together in the future, my being with other people would never affect her in any way.
Problem is, the male ego comes into play here, and I WOULD have a problem knowing she was with other men.
Boy, the more I write these things out, the more I'm starting to realize that she's done with this marriage, and that it seems she wants to keep me as a backup in case her experiences turn out to be not what she thought...
tell me about her. she doesn't work? you make a good salary. she doesn't have to worry about things financial. you live in a nice house. nice cars. her family is distant emotionally. consequently so is she. you'd like to see more emotion out of her. describe her personality. it might help in the advice-giving.
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separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
We're both self-employed, do the same thing under the same company name (which can be seperated without affecting the business). We make a decent living, and we have 4-5 hour work days. (!) We own a house which is half paid off after 2 years, and 2 cars. There are zero financial issues, and neither of us are "into" money. Money, to us, is necessary, and we don't strive to make more and more.
Her father was never there for her when she was younger. Workaholic, alcoholic. Never abusive, just not supportive. Her mother is an emotional disaster, and has used guilt as her tool of choice her whole life. Consequently she has used the guilt card over the years to me, which I recognized, resented, but ultimately accepted and didn't allow to get to me.
She's the most caring, passionate person I've ever known. She never wants to hurt anybody, and goes out of her way to make sure it doesn't happen (which is why I think it took her so long to present this to me).
She's a beautiful (and trust me, she's BEAUTIFUL) person. Fit, healthy, in shape, and energetic. Something she wasn't always. When we met, she was a little on the chubby side (which I like, but I digress), and was always conscious of her large chest size. She wore baggy clothing and generally didn't have a great body image.
About 5 or 6 years ago, she became self employed, and the job that she (and now I) do involves a lot of walking. She lost weight immediately and started feeling better about herself. This allowed her to start jogging, then running. Then she was going to the gym twice a week. She now works out every day, and loves it.
This of course has given her a super body image, as she is now fit and active. She started dressing better, spending more time with hair and makeup, etc. Men noticed this, and she liked it. She came out of her shell in a massive way, but never thought of seeing if the grass was greener. As in, I don't believe this is what has CAUSED her to decide she wants to see other men. It's a byproduct in my estimation.
Had she still been a little frumpy and not as confident, she might certainly have WANTED to do this, but wouldn't have brought herself to be able to do it. Now she can.
And I suppose the most important thing that I just realized I left out, is that we spend virtually all day, every day, together. We've both, over the years, realized that this is not healthy, but neither of us really did anything to change this. We were both quite content with being together this much. Until now... In fact, just last year I announced that I was going to join a second sporting team for that season, as I wanted to play more, and it would have the added benefit of a few more hours out of the house a week. She resisted, saying that it would impact things like the chores I have to do around the house. I relented, and stayed with the one team. Note that she never FORBADE me to do it, just guilted me ever so slightly into not doing it.
Also, we both have OCD. She has a more obsessive personality than I do, which I think may not be helping the thoughts she's having. She says she can't turn them off, and that she's tried over the last year, but they just won't go away. When I slipped it in that it might perhaps be her OCD making her obsess about this, she replied that she was sure it wasn't. I'm not so sure.
I have done a lot of research into married women that go off sex. what I have found is that they don't go of sex itself. They go of sex with their husbands. Some of them know this, and some of them hide the information, even from themselves. The ones that don't hide the information from themselves find themselves attracted to other men from time to time - sometimes intensely. So what is happening with your wife is normal except for two things:
1)She is being honest about her lack of desire for you.
2)She is being honest about wanting extramarital sex, rather than going behind your back.
You marriage is by no means over. What you say to her in the next few weeks will be crucial for your future. The key to getting her back is to be non judgemental.
What she is going through now feels like a huge explosion in her head and in her body. She is literally having a period of madness, where it seems perfectly natural to her to sacrifice everything in pursuit of her pleasure. If you give her the right sort of acknowledgement, you can help steer her through period which will not last long. If you come down heavy handed, it would be a pyrrhic victory, as her sex drive will just be shut down, and you will certainly not get the benefit of it.
Keep in mind though, that the sex drive issue with her is that it was NEVER there. Not for me, not for anybody. Only just in the last year has she had some sort of minor sexual awakening which she absolutely needs to see to fruition. Just not with me.
So it's not like the sex drive for ME dwindled, it actually was never there, period. Her actually having one at all right now is completely foreign to her. And it just doesn't involve me.
>>>You marriage is by no means over. What you say to her in the next few weeks will be crucial for your future. The key to getting her back is to be non judgemental. >>>
By this, do you mean not have an opinion on her wanting to do this? As in, don't say "I can't believe you want to do that" or adversely "I'm okay with you doing that"? Just don't mention it at all?
>>>>you can help steer her through period which will not last long. >>>
Also, she's been having these feelings for about a year now. And only just got up the courage to tell me.
Before I get to giving my opinion about what you can do about it, we need to cover why she is not attracted to you. There are two "off the shelf" reasons.
1) A feeling of resentment has built up over the years.
I'm very good looking. Not overweight, but not fit, either.
Frequency of sex has been the same up to last week. Again - it's never been an issue of how often, it's how passionate it wasn't. This was attributed to her lack of sex drive, period.
Let me re-iterate, her entire life she has not had any sex drive. Ever. She's never known what it's like to feel "horny". Until earlier this year, for whatever reason (chemical change, turning 30, who knows?) and it's directed at other people, not me.
It's not an issue of sex as much as it is an issue of she needs to know what it's like to not be in a long term relationship. She needs to know what it feels like to BE with someone else and have fewer responsibilities in her life.
I appreciate your concern, but I believe you're going up the wrong avenue here. That may ultimatly turn out to be wrong, but from what she's said, it's about feeling free again, and not tied down.
Age 16-30 is a long amount of time to be tied down to someone. 16-30 is the age where one should be out having fun with no responsibilites and little consequence. Married life, and to a lesser extent, long term relationship life, is serious stuff.
She's looking to live the life that most people do within that age bracket, and she never did. It's not exclusively about sex.
No idea what to think
