Kids schedules, and dating parents - Talk About Marriage
Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

User Tag List

 36Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 12:04 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 78
Kids schedules, and dating parents

This may be a little long winded but I'm looking for some feedback from divorced parents with kids(3 & 5 years old).

My ex and I are going through a divorce currently. She works retail, so she has a sporadic work schedule. Where as mines a standard M-F 9-5. We have joint custody so I we each have the kids 3-4 days a week. The schedule changes weekly unfortunately. She's been dating for a few months, and I recently have myself also.

On the few days a week that I don't have the kids I've started making plans. I've sat in my apartment by myself for long enough. needless to say when the kids asked if they could stay at Dad's house tonight I had made plans already( did cancel them so the kids could come over like they asked). I was vilified by my ex for blowing off my kids and not putting them first. I've only been seeing this girl for 2 weeks now, so my ex is also throwing that in my face as selfish that I wasn't eager to cancel my plans the second the kids asked. She asked for Divorce and now that its affecting the kids the way I told her it would, she takes the moral high road and hammers on me.

Am I in the wrong here? I feel like the couple days the kids aren't with me if I have plans I shouldn't be expected to always cancel on a whim. I wouldn't expect the same of her. The kids days are scheduled for a reason, If the kids asked about going to moms I just let them know her days coming up shortly. Or that shes working, etc. I don't need to put her on the spot to look bad in front of the kids like she did to me today.

Looking for some input/advice. Thanks!

knowfiguy is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 12:28 PM
Member
 
SecondTime'Round's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 4,213
Re: Kids schedules, and dating parents

You're right. She's wrong.

If you truly love someone you want that person to have the freedom to become everything they seek. You want your partner to soar, not to imprison them. - Pluto2
SecondTime'Round is offline  
post #3 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 02:19 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 803
Re: Kids schedules, and dating parents

In the years I've been divorced, I follow the access schedule religiously and would recommend that any newly divorced parent do the same.

There's not a whole heck of a lot you can do about her badmouthing you, its what bitter people often do...just ignore her and worry about being the best parent you can be when the kids are with you.

Stick to verifiable communication (email), limit it to what's relevant (parenting matters only), ignore all insults and taunts (stay polite) and eventually you'll get to a habitual method of dealing with this stuff.

You have every right to go out and date and socialize when you're off parenting time. Enjoy your single life!
EnigmaGirl is offline  
 
post #4 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 02:51 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 78
Re: Kids schedules, and dating parents

Thanks! Its nice to hear someone who agrees with me. She believes I need to be even more flexible then I am already. So if they kids decide on a whim they want to come to my house I should be available. Its crazy. Don't get me wrong I love my kids to death, but I also don't want to be held hostage waiting around the days I don't have them either.

Guess it will just take some more time to develop into a rhythm.
knowfiguy is offline  
post #5 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 02:57 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 803
Re: Kids schedules, and dating parents

Quote:
She believes I need to be even more flexible then I am already. So if they kids decide on a whim they want to come to my house I should be available. Its crazy. Don't get me wrong I love my kids to death, but I also don't want to be held hostage waiting around the days I don't have them either.
That's unreasonable and it assumes that you have no life....which may be why she wants it to be that way.

The good news is that what she thinks and wants doesn't really matter anymore. You have a parenting schedule and your obligation is to stick to it. If you want to..and I'm not suggesting you necessarily "should" do this...but you could also suggest to her that if she wants to change something, that she provide you with reasonable notice (ie, 48 hours, so you check your availability).

Quote:
Guess it will just take some more time to develop into a rhythm.
Yea it takes a while for things to settle down. It helps if you set really clear boundaries right up front and stick to a set of rules and behaviors. And just ignore the irrelevant stuff rather than to react to it.

I ignored pages and pages of heated emails at the beginning of my divorce. My ex eventually learned not to bother.
EnigmaGirl is offline  
post #6 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 02:58 PM
Member
 
SecondTime'Round's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 4,213
Re: Kids schedules, and dating parents

Quote:
Originally Posted by knowfiguy View Post
Thanks! Its nice to hear someone who agrees with me. She believes I need to be even more flexible then I am already. So if they kids decide on a whim they want to come to my house I should be available. Its crazy. Don't get me wrong I love my kids to death, but I also don't want to be held hostage waiting around the days I don't have them either.

Guess it will just take some more time to develop into a rhythm.
You're being perfectly reasonable and sound more than flexible in accommodating her unpredictable retail schedule. You deserve to have a life.

If you truly love someone you want that person to have the freedom to become everything they seek. You want your partner to soar, not to imprison them. - Pluto2
SecondTime'Round is offline  
post #7 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 03:06 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 78
Re: Kids schedules, and dating parents

Today she had the kids ask over the phone today. So of course it put me on the spot when they asked to come. She says she didn't know the kids would ask, but she's lied to me before about dumb things. We proceeded to argue about it for an hour via text.

Finally I told her that neither of us should be treated like a criminal if we have commitments and the kids happen to want to go to the other parents that night. I want her to run it by me, rather then have the kids think that some date of mine is more important than the kids. Which is what they felt this morning thanks to her.
knowfiguy is offline  
post #8 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 03:14 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 78
Re: Kids schedules, and dating parents

Quote:
Originally Posted by SecondTime'Round View Post
You're being perfectly reasonable and sound more than flexible in accommodating her unpredictable retail schedule. You deserve to have a life.
I thought so myself. The kids schedule is completely dictated by her work schedule. I let her set the weekly schedule, and take the days I'm given. This also affords her the ability to build in her own dates she to do personal things if she wanted. Where as I just make my life work around hers.

I didn't feel like it was too much to ask to have my days non kids days stay like that IF i happen to have plans. The last thing I need is my kids thinking I don't want them to come to my house.
knowfiguy is offline  
post #9 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 03:17 PM
Member
 
SecondTime'Round's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 4,213
Re: Kids schedules, and dating parents

Quote:
Originally Posted by knowfiguy View Post
I thought so myself. The kids schedule is completely dictated by her work schedule. I let her set the weekly schedule, and take the days I'm given. This also affords her the ability to build in her own dates she to do personal things if she wanted. Where as I just make my life work around hers.

I didn't feel like it was too much to ask to have my days non kids days stay like that IF i happen to have plans. The last thing I need is my kids thinking I don't want them to come to my house.
Of course you don't, and of course you adore your kids. You can't control what she says about you to them. You can only control how excited you are to see them, how engaged you are, etc. (Do as I say, not as I feel since I have a good bit of parental alienation happening to me! )

Your ex wife needs to respect the schedule set at the beginning of each week. Period.

If you truly love someone you want that person to have the freedom to become everything they seek. You want your partner to soar, not to imprison them. - Pluto2
SecondTime'Round is offline  
post #10 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 03:17 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 803
Re: Kids schedules, and dating parents

Quote:
We proceeded to argue about it for an hour via text.
I'd stop doing this right away.

I can honestly tell you that since I got divorced I've had zero (none, zip) verbal communication with my ex and only respond to/by email and then only if its about relevant parenting issues.

I don't have conversations or fights of any kind with my ex. We have a parenting schedule and anything else, he can email me about unless its a dire emergency. When you're divorced, you want to have as little conversation as possible. Stay out of text fights or any other such nonsense. You need to have reasonable communication with the kids but understand that if she starts using the kids as a weapon against you during these conversations...you're going to have to have rules about that too.

I think you guys just need to stick to the schedule and not deviate and you need to re-iterate that through email to her. You are divorced...You have a schedule....done.

One other thing to consider is that if you meet the right person, you're going to want to have the rules firmly established and in place because conflict often increases when you add a significant other. And you don't want to cause problems with any new relationship you're starting by not having your ex and the parenting schedule not nailed tight.

EnigmaGirl is offline  
post #11 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 03:20 PM
Member
 
SecondTime'Round's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 4,213
Re: Kids schedules, and dating parents

Does your ex have any family around or anyone to babysit if she has to work? I ask because you're going to find it pretty annoying to never be able to plan anything 2 months out because you don't know if you'll have your kids on that day....and any future partner will find that annoying as well. A set and predictable schedule benefits all parties.

If you truly love someone you want that person to have the freedom to become everything they seek. You want your partner to soar, not to imprison them. - Pluto2
SecondTime'Round is offline  
post #12 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 03:55 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 78
Re: Kids schedules, and dating parents

Quote:
Originally Posted by SecondTime'Round View Post
Does your ex have any family around or anyone to babysit if she has to work? I ask because you're going to find it pretty annoying to never be able to plan anything 2 months out because you don't know if you'll have your kids on that day....and any future partner will find that annoying as well. A set and predictable schedule benefits all parties.
She lives about an hour away from her own family, but we both live near my Mom and Grandparents who are happy to watch the kids when necessary.

With that said IF she ever needed something changed and I had plans already I know for a fact she would hammer me into the ground for putting (Insert person/activity) over my kids.

Side note: When she says that it drives me nuts, considering she wanted the divorce and knew what she was signing up for when it comes to affecting the kids. Talk about putting the kids first...
knowfiguy is offline  
post #13 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 04:01 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 78
Re: Kids schedules, and dating parents

Quote:
Originally Posted by EnigmaGirl View Post
I don't have conversations or fights of any kind with my ex. We have a parenting schedule and anything else, he can email me about unless its a dire emergency. When you're divorced, you want to have as little conversation as possible. Stay out of text fights or any other such nonsense. You need to have reasonable communication with the kids but understand that if she starts using the kids as a weapon against you during these conversations...you're going to have to have rules about that too.
I need to get better about this. I talk to my kids daily, so they know that I'm there for them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EnigmaGirl View Post
I think you guys just need to stick to the schedule and not deviate and you need to re-iterate that through email to her. You are divorced...You have a schedule....done.

One other thing to consider is that if you meet the right person, you're going to want to have the rules firmly established and in place because conflict often increases when you add a significant other. And you don't want to cause problems with any new relationship you're starting by not having your ex and the parenting schedule not nailed tight.
I agree here 100%. She was able to find out that the girl I was suppose to see tonight, we'd already hung out a few times this week. Well in my ex's eyes, "You've already seen her x times this week". Then because I have a 9-5 job its considering a "luxury" to her, and she doesn't have as much free time as I do. Frankly that's not my problem, but yet it still seems to matter to her.

Get a new job, if you want more free time on the days the kids are with me.
knowfiguy is offline  
post #14 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 04:04 PM
Member
 
marduk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 7,490
Re: Kids schedules, and dating parents

Quote:
Originally Posted by knowfiguy View Post
Thanks! Its nice to hear someone who agrees with me. She believes I need to be even more flexible then I am already. So if they kids decide on a whim they want to come to my house I should be available. Its crazy. Don't get me wrong I love my kids to death, but I also don't want to be held hostage waiting around the days I don't have them either.

Guess it will just take some more time to develop into a rhythm.
"If you want to change the custody arrangement so I have them full-time, or 70/30, let's have that conversation. If you want to have a guaranteed babysitter for when it's convenient for you, remember that we divorced for a reason. I'm not married to you any more. I don't have to drop my plans because you have better things to do, or can't plan ahead."
marduk is offline  
post #15 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 04:06 PM
Moderator
 
farsidejunky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 8,029
Re: Kids schedules, and dating parents

Quote:
Originally Posted by marduk View Post
"If you want to change the custody arrangement so I have them full-time, or 70/30, let's have that conversation. If you want to have a guaranteed babysitter for when it's convenient for you, remember that we divorced for a reason. I'm not married to you any more. I don't have to drop my plans because you have better things to do, or can't plan ahead."
This. Turn the threat into an opportunity.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
farsidejunky is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome