Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 04:05 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

i suggest a period of legal separation, no dating or sowing wild oats, mutual and coincidental counseling, and
see if they can work this thing out from a distance before they cut each other's throat.

almost every marriage is worth a try at salvaging.

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post #17 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 04:20 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

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Wow, so looking at film of people sucking and fcking in God knows how many positions and conditions. Filmed prostitution, when they are paid. Extreme sexual exhibitionism and voyeurism when they aren't.

That's not as bad as a woman posing in a bikini, in a still photograph. No sexual activity. No nudity.

Her intent was bad. I agree.

What's his intent viewing Grandpa/teen porn? To strengthen the relationship with his wife?

You can call b.s. all you want. I get it, you watch porn; which you think is okay.

Can you consider the possibility that she posted the bikini pics because she needed some positive affirmation from other men that she was still attractive? Since OP has been a porn user throughout their entire relationship.

I know, I know. Women are just supposed to accept porn; and never speak out against their husbands using it.

But, by Christ, if she posts a picture of herself in swimwear. . . .
Viewing a porn of someone you will never meet versus sending a bikini pic to some guy you know in order to get validation. Which one is more likely to lead to an EA or a PA?

There are a multitude of stories here that suggest that the bikini pic is much more likely to lead to an inappropriate relationship. Guys don't enter EAs with porn stars.

Objectively you can say that porn is disgusting if that's how you feel, but to say that it's more dangerous than sending bikini pics flies in the face of logic. The guy you send the pic to will eff you tomorrow. The girl in the porno will tell you to drop dead.
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post #18 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 06:10 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

Porn versus actively engaging with a real other man. Hmmmmmm

Maybe she has someone on the side and is looking for an excuse.

If I were you I'd check the phone bill.
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post #19 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 06:42 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

Why are you still in this marriage my friend ?

You wife told you times and times that she wants Divorce.

She was going out on dates with other men,sleeping with them while you stayed at home and watch the kids.

She was also cheating with a family friend. Sending him nude photos. I hope you get rid of this "friend"

Now she is back to her old story about wanting to Divorce.

Do you know why your kids shout at you ??? Because they saw their mommy is doing the same thing,so they thought it was ok to do the same thing.


Talk with your lawyer and divorce her. I can bet you can find another wife who will respect you and love you.

About your porn "addiction". Get yourself a help. I know having no sex with your wife is a triger for you to watch this porn,but belive me it is going to destroy you.
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post #20 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 01:02 AM Thread Starter
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So how am I to move forward and try and work things out with her? I will try and see if I can get some advice/help through a doctor regarding the porn. I don't know if I am addicted or not. I liked looking at it and was curious about the gramps thing but not my bag. I have asked her for a few days cooling off period as there is no way of talking.
I don't think we have ever communicated very well about intimacy. We initially had words about who would initiate sex but ee never talk about it.
I have become very weak. My self esteem is down, my job doesn't pay too well and then my daughters don't seem that bothered about me and stick to their mother. I play with them and look after them but I feel like an outsider in my own family. This porn issue is the icing in the cake but it does highlight a major flaw in the marriage. I am i turmoil here. I will have to approach her soon but how when she just sees a pervert monster?
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post #21 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 01:07 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

Maybe but I'd still check the phone bill.

There was another thread on here somewhere about the same thing. Wife separated and come to find out she was in an affair and used that as an excuse to out the husband.

It just seems very odd to me.
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post #22 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 01:21 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

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Hi all.
I am writing this whilst still in shock from my wife wanting a divorce.
She has been threatening me with seperation for months due to me not being able to relate to my eldest daughter of 7 years. I decided to get a home visiting counsellor involved and things are now great between us. My wife and I became closer and everything was good. We went to Lapland for Christmas with both our young daughters and had a great time. When we returned, we put the kids to bed sat down to watch tv and my wife asked to birrow my phone as her battery had died. After a few munutes, she got up and went to bed. I went to see her to ask what was wrong and she said she had found porn searches and was disgusted with me. Next day, she said that she had made a bag up for me to go to a hotel as she wants me out of the house. I refused and said I was ming home. She then made the spare bed up. The next day after the kids went to bed, she demanded an explanation but befire I could explain, she started screaming at me to leave that she didn't love me and wants a divorce. She called me a monster and said I had to go. I have never seen her so angry. She went on to say that she wanted me to stop torturing her by staying and that I would just manipulate her into staying with me in a few days. She was going to get legal advice today and took the kids with her.
I have appologised for the porn and admitted that it was wrong of me and told her that I will go to therapy to deal with looking at that stuff. I have agreed to be more focused on the family and get rid of ant distractions that she would not like but she is not prepared to listen to anything I have to say.
I can't believe that one day we were so happy together and the next I am facing divorce! Does anybody know what I should do here? I do not want to loose my family over this.
It's not wrong of you if the porn was legal and not available to minors (or family/employers/customers/employees)
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post #23 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 01:24 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

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Women are allowed to be hurt/upset/disgusted when their husband looks at porn.

Imagine how you'd feel if you found images on your wife's phone of porn of the most beautiful, physically desirable men; that you knew you couldn't hold a candle to. And you found lots of them, and they had abilities in bed that you knew you didn't have. And you knew your wife was inevitably comparing you (unfavorably) to them? Really try to imagine it.

=================================

Why couldn't you relate to your 7 year old child?
They do that when they mindless pour over the drama crap on tv or in books or other celebrity. Just because its a visual image doesn't make a different, neither does them "being famous or rock star or "great humanitarian" excuse it either.
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post #24 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 04:40 AM
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Maybe but I'd still check the phone bill.

There was another thread on here somewhere about the same thing. Wife separated and come to find out she was in an affair and used that as an excuse to out the husband.

It just seems very odd to me.
Was there any illegal porn that you were viewing?
Also, if the 2 of you somehow stay together.
Learn how to use the incognito mode.
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post #25 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 04:47 AM Thread Starter
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There was no illegal porn. It was always a regular free site. She looks at me like she wants to kill me at the moment. I told her to wait a few days to cool off before talking but I'm not sure what to say to her save our marriage. We both adore our kids and our home.

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post #26 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 06:35 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

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There was no illegal porn. It was always a regular free site. She looks at me like she wants to kill me at the moment. I told her to wait a few days to cool off before talking but I'm not sure what to say to her save our marriage. We both adore our kids and our home.
from what you have posted,
to get her back all you have to do is move on.

You know this already.
Also the vast majority of parents adore their kids.
How much longer can you keep going thru this is the bigger question.

Odds are high that once you show any signs of detaching, she will be right back and the cycle will repeat.
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post #27 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 09:54 AM Thread Starter
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She called me today to tell me that I have two choices. Legal separation or divorce. She thinks that I am a porn addict and she is sick of giving me second chances. She said that it has psychologically affected the children? And that our marriage has suffered..that one I agree with so I will suggest therapy fir both of us but by the tone in her voice she is getting really nasty now. The other problem is that she wants me out of the house but I have no money left after the holiday. We had 6 holidays this year including Disneyland Paris. How am I supposed to rent a place? I'm scared now. I risk loosing everything but am willing to sort any issues we have but I can't get through to her now. Will this anger cool down? She comes from a broken marriage herself and never wanted to put her own kids through what she suffered, yet she's doing it herself. Her mother has two failed marriages and numerous failed relationships and is lonely and miserable for being to impulsive in leaving her husband. Maybe detaching will bring her back. She doesn't realise what divorce will do to all of us.
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post #28 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 10:02 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

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The problems have been around for many years. My wife has always been a capable but controlling woman. She is very hot and I just fell for her and married her after a year. After our honeymoon. She found a lad magazine in my workshop and accused me if getting off on other women. She wanted to call it a day then and we nearly anulled the marriage. She soon took me back when the place I found was sharing with another woman. She has always been very jelous even though I have never given her cause. After 5 years of marriage, 1 daughter and friction between us as she didn't feel wanted as I played guitar in a band, she wanted a separation. I moved out reluctantly and hoped we could work things out. She then decided to date different men, do cocaine and treat me like a servant and baby sitter when she wanted to go out. After loosing 4 stone and suffering the most difficult 9 months, I met a woman and decided to go on a date. My wife was not happy and the day after wanted to reconcile the marriage as I had become trim and more attractive to her. She then wanted to complete our family with a second child. Everything was ok except our sex life was dead. I started watching porn of all kinds on these sites, from latina babes to grandpa with teenagers. ( this is that has sickened her the most). I just went through the menu and looked at everything. She didn't find out and our sexual needs were met as she masturbated too. We had replaced each other by going solo because we were both too tired with two young children. We have had our ups and downs like most couples but she doesn't like me havung any hobbies or destractions from the family and this has caused problems as I have always written music.
The problems with my daughter were that her behaviour was getting out of control. She would shout at me. Run to her mother if I refused to let her have something. The crux came when she was hysterical and I smacked her bum. She was holding a pen next to her side and it stabbed me in the hand. At this point my wife couldn't deal with us both and wanted me out. It blew over. I then pulled my daughters arm one day when she was being rude to me and told her off. She went to her mother and told her I had hit her. Again, I was told to leave. It blew over as I agreed counselling in the home. It worked great and we discovered that my daughtet was being bullied at school. This brought us all closer as a family as we dealt with the problem. Then we went to lapland......
My wife has always been a very sexual woman in her head but never shared it. I found that she too had been looking at photos of naked women online recently but she never told me. She has secrets I eould never know. A few months ago I found that she had been flirting with a family friend on messenger! I think he started it byt she went along with it. When we had seperated before, she would send bikini snaps of herself to other guys to feel wanted. I on the other hand am quite shy and like a quiet life. I have never cheated taken drugs, flirted with other women. I just looked at porn.
Please ask if I missed anything
She's a hypocrit. You need to give her a comparison of the two sides.

Move back in and tell her she can move out. The big problem is you don't seem to be able to take up for yourself. It's pretty evident neither of you is perfect.

Why do you let her control everything?
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post #29 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 10:35 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

Andy, your marriage seems a little similar to mine. But my wife is an ugly mean b**ch that I wouldn't touch with a 10' stick!

Porn definitely is a problem. I became addicted to it at a young age, 15 or so, and it greatly affected the way I viewed the women I had relationships with. I realized this stopped viewing it. But after being in a sexless marriage, I started it up again and was viewing it almost weekly. I haven't looked at porn in over a year now and I'm finally at a breaking point. I'm now at the acceptance phase. I need to make changes that make ME happy. It sucks when it involves small children, I have a 3 and 5 y/o. But in the end, it's best for everyone.

In the mean time, I'm working out, eating healthy, drinking water, ditched soda and fast food. I am even going to see a Doctor for a physical/blood work, which I have never done and I'm 34. I have never been to a MD before. I'm pretty sure I have low testosterone, could explain a few things about me.

Having limited finances is a scary thing. I totally understand. You just need to find a way to get by for the next 12 months and you'll be fine. A separation is probably best. See if you both can become better people while apart. This means reading, going to IC, and taking care of yourselves. Sure there will be stress with the logistics of your kids, but you can overcome it.

Definitely read the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book. It's an eye opener and will change the way you think about yourself and how you deal with situations.
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post #30 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 10:41 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

So when are you moving back in your house? Or are you really wanting to do the obviously wrong thing?

Your wife rules you with an iron fist. Have you considered trying to man up and just take control of your life for a while and tell her to do whatever she wants?
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