Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 09:44 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

I would say the damage has already been done to your daughter. Divorce seems healthier at this point. Your daughter has learned from her mother how to be highly reactive and controlling in a relationship. She is openly disrespecting you and using her mom to punish you and IT WORKS. You are teaching her that a man is supposed to let his wife and daughter treat him that way. She's already on track to having diastrous relationships herself. Divorce initiated by you could actually help your daughter see that her mothers behavior is not acceptable. But it sounds like your wife has good control on your daughter and teaching her how to be as dysfunctional as she is. Have you considered what your daughter is learning by you two staying in a dysfunctional marriage?
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post #32 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 10:16 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

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Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
Hi all.
I am writing this whilst still in shock from my wife wanting a divorce.
She has been threatening me with seperation for months due to me not being able to relate to my eldest daughter of 7 years. I decided to get a home visiting counsellor involved and things are now great between us. My wife and I became closer and everything was good. We went to Lapland for Christmas with both our young daughters and had a great time. When we returned, we put the kids to bed sat down to watch tv and my wife asked to birrow my phone as her battery had died. After a few munutes, she got up and went to bed. I went to see her to ask what was wrong and she said she had found porn searches and was disgusted with me. Next day, she said that she had made a bag up for me to go to a hotel as she wants me out of the house. I refused and said I was ming home. She then made the spare bed up. The next day after the kids went to bed, she demanded an explanation but befire I could explain, she started screaming at me to leave that she didn't love me and wants a divorce. She called me a monster and said I had to go. I have never seen her so angry. She went on to say that she wanted me to stop torturing her by staying and that I would just manipulate her into staying with me in a few days. She was going to get legal advice today and took the kids with her.
I have appologised for the porn and admitted that it was wrong of me and told her that I will go to therapy to deal with looking at that stuff. I have agreed to be more focused on the family and get rid of ant distractions that she would not like but she is not prepared to listen to anything I have to say.
I can't believe that one day we were so happy together and the next I am facing divorce! Does anybody know what I should do here? I do not want to loose my family over this.
Your thread title is misleading Andy. Her finding porn on your phone is just the most recent trigger that's tipped her over the edge. Clearly she hasn't been happy with the marriage if she was threatening divorce previously and now again. I've read a lot of threads and I don't remember any happy wives having such a quick divorce trigger. What did she even mean by 'you don't relate to your daughter'? And it seems very uncommon for a wife to find porn once and instantly go into divorce mode unless she's already most of the way there. But then the type of porn you were looking at might be more important than porn in general.

At this point, I think you just have to avoid getting bulldozered because it seems like she's looking for reasons to run you off. I think you're leaving a lot out of the story because this doesn't make much sense.

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post #33 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 12:43 PM Thread Starter
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The triggers have been there for years. She found me looking at porn after our honeymoon and various other times. It affected my wanting to have sex with her as I relived myself instead of focusing on her. It affected my moods and became a daily habit. Ok my wife has her own issues with her body image which made her have breast implants but although she appears to be a very sexual woman she shiwed little interest in being intimate.
We separated five years ago as she couldn't live with my negativity and her feeling like I took her for granted and didn't put her first. After many changes we reconciled but it was short lived after our second child was born. She hated my hobbies and wanted me to just do house and family based stuff as I didn't need the distractions. We both built up resentment towards each other. Then the problems with our daughter started when I couldn't deal with her answerinig back, not doing anything I asked of her and telling on me to her mum if I had told her off. My daughter became scared of me because I would shout at her. I felt alone amongst three women with no support. All of these issues have created this situation over time. She is aware that I have seen a doctor today and have been reffered to counselling and treatment for the addiction. I will speak to our priest as he is the wisest guy I know
I still live in the house as it's only been three days since she wanted out. She has been to see lawyer tiday so I should expect a letter soon. I will take each day as a chance to change and improve myself and hope she finally sees the man she once loved.
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post #34 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 01:10 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

You started porn shortly after honeymoon? Why?

You say she has not wanted intimacy... If she's seeing you look at porn and relieving yourself--- no wonder she isn't wanting intimacy.

You are taking good steps, but yes, you have screwed up. Your daughter does to respect you, your wife doesn't either. You r got some work ahead of you.

None of us are perfect. Good luck making changes and hopefully you will have success in all areas. Try not to beg for reassurance from your wife, or chase her. Just make positive changes and hope she notices on her own.
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post #35 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 01:45 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

It does sound like porn is a serious issue for you. Its effects in an addict go far beyond just not being sexually available, it can destroy your ability to bond with others, including your children. There are a number of groups that can help you recover. I attend Celebrate Recovery, a Christian 12 step program. There are others if that's not something you are ok with.

None of this excuses your wife's behavior. She really does seem to call all the shots. But her "power" is mostly rooted in your own victim thinking. Clean up your act, and you won't be ceding the moral high ground to her. You are two messed up people. You can get better together, or better apart. For now, the game plan is the same.

Consider this: you don't have to do what she wants. She wants you to move out? Sorry, she can move out. Be sure to keep a VAR handy in case she tries to frame you for DV.
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post #36 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 02:31 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

Andy, Get the treatment you need and read the books I mentioned. They are an easy read.

Don't move out of your home as it could affect you in any future legal proceedings.

Talk to a lawyer and get a plan together. You are going to need to protect yourself and get your ducks in a row. Your W does not seem to be one who will be easy to work with on the D.
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post #37 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 01:21 AM Thread Starter
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My wife was calmer last night. We talked for the first time in days. She asked me what I wanted to do, divorce or seperate. She has had legal advice and I do not have much of a defence here. I have a porn addiction which is unreasonable behaviour in it's self. I cannot afford to move out right now so I will stay at the house. She feels that the porn has been at the heart of our problems for years and is glad that I am getting help for the problem but is not interested in working things out right now and says she doesn't want me to hold any hope for a future together. She spoke about all my negatives never mentioning anything good and how she will never trust a man gain so not worry me of anybody else being around. I said that I may have to move away as I will need a better paid job now she was a bit surprised but said its probably for the best.

I am so calm right now, why have I not broken down? Can I turn this around?
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post #38 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 03:20 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

She was threatening separation months before she found whatever was on your phone, so the porn isn't the real issue. Not sure why she wants out but she's looking for an excuse to do so but she wants you comfortably in the bad guy seat. People have to justify whatever they do. She wants to leave (maybe with the idea that she'll replace you with someone she's already picked out. To do that, she has to find some convincing moral justification for leaving you.) A man not being able to "relate" to a 7 year old or one watching a little porn hardly seems like the level of justification your average committed wife would need to leave a marriage, so we can assume she's more committed to leaving than she is in staying. One would have to wonder what her real motivation for leaving might be.
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post #39 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 06:23 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

Andy i agree with everyone else here, you may have a problem but i think the porn is a red herring, there is something else or more to the point someone else...i think she is playing you...definitely don't move out...turn on 180, and concentrate on becoming a detective. also move to another room....if she then push for divorce, tell her to file but even then you don't have to leave home while your name is on the place as well.
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post #40 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 08:32 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

My friend your looking for porn is not the biggest problem in your marriage.

You biggest problem is your cheating wife. Just go back and read your posts. She is talking AGAIN about separation and divorce.

This is another excuse to have an Affair and you ALLOWED this time and time again. This is not the first time and she already cheated on you. You caught her but what about other times ?

Why would you move out of your house. Let her move out if she wants.

Talk with your lawyer and see your rights about custody,house and money. You dont want to be a bad guy who allows his wife to date other people.


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post #41 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 09:58 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

Andy,

I agree with the others. This latest porn thing is not the cause of her actions, or at least not by itself.

there seems to be a little double standard going on here, in that she was sending provocative pictures of herself to other men, and who knows what else she has done, and she get to the point she is so quick. not quite a normal response unless there are other things going on.

i think someone suggested the VAR in the car. You may be just scratching the tip of the iceberg here about what is really going on.

if your wife owns any sex toys, do you really think she is fantasizing about you every time she uses them??? if the porn is not stopping you from performing, unless she is an "angel" she is way out of line just becuase of your phone.
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post #42 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 11:23 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

Notice the two options she claims are your only ones...legal separation or divorce. Both get you out of the house and presumably lets a portion of your income stay with her. The options don't involve counseling, shrinks, marriage retreats, sharing passwords, just you gone and your money left behind. A suspicious mind might wonder who the other guy is that's making your presence inconvenient.
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post #43 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 11:35 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

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Originally Posted by Andy101 View Post
My wife was calmer last night. We talked for the first time in days. She asked me what I wanted to do, divorce or seperate. She has had legal advice and I do not have much of a defence here. I have a porn addiction which is unreasonable behaviour in it's self. I cannot afford to move out right now so I will stay at the house. She feels that the porn has been at the heart of our problems for years and is glad that I am getting help for the problem but is not interested in working things out right now and says she doesn't want me to hold any hope for a future together. She spoke about all my negatives never mentioning anything good and how she will never trust a man gain so not worry me of anybody else being around. I said that I may have to move away as I will need a better paid job now she was a bit surprised but said its probably for the best.

I am so calm right now, why have I not broken down? Can I turn this around?
She has nothing but negative to say AND she will never TRUST another man again so "you don't have to worry about anyone else".

Yes, this quite strikes me funny. Like she is trying to head you off away from any efforts on your part to look for evidence of other men. No trust? Sounds like you're dealing with someone untrustworthy.
It's not like she has t known about porn your entire marriage. You've been messing up with the porn. She has been messing up as well. Possibly with other men. I agree, a VAR. Protect yourself. Get help for your addiction. Starting a new hobby to get your mind off things night help.
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post #44 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 12:11 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

I will never ever trust another man so you can put that thought out of your mind...especially any thoughts you might have about the one I'm seeing right now.
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post #45 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 12:23 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

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Originally Posted by intheory View Post
Women are allowed to be hurt/upset/disgusted when their husband looks at porn.

Imagine how you'd feel if you found images on your wife's phone of porn of the most beautiful, physically desirable men; that you knew you couldn't hold a candle to. And you found lots of them, and they had abilities in bed that you knew you didn't have. And you knew your wife was inevitably comparing you (unfavorably) to them? Really try to imagine it.

=================================

Why couldn't you relate to your 7 year old child?
This is the empathy level of a 7 year old. If a man came to me upset and about to divorce his wife because he found such images on his wife's phone, I would think he was an idiot. If he had such images on his own phone (the equivalent in this case), I would tell him she was better of without him.

People react differently to different things. There is nothing inherently disgusting in am image, but what we bring to it. That is the challenge of empathizing, not thinking that things are inherently good or bad and getting annoyed at men for getting it wrong.
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