Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 02:34 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

He was doing porn rather than having sex with his wife. Yes. He pretty much dug his own hole here.

Almost positively she has another man. I will agree if a man is not taking care of business at home, someone else will.

In this case, he probably has himself to blame. Feel better now?

All of your generalizations about men are ridiculous.
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Btw, these days it is less than a challenge to get all the sex a man wants, if he is single. Probably married too. I for one, don't want that; I don't think most other men do either.


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post #47 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 05:05 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

I do think the porn is an insidious destructive thing in a marriage. You'll get no argument from me. I think it's clear you've had some bad experiences with it. I am sorry if my comments have triggered bad memories.
The only thing we differ on is that somehow the porn watching is done in response to the wife as far as trying to hurt her or take her power away. In the op's case in particular, and I think in most cases, it's just a very selfish, unhealthy habit that is extremely difficult to break for a lot of people once started.
I've been lucky in that I'm not an easily addicted person. I liked gambling--- I haven't done it in 15 years. I've watched porn. Ive done it probably 15 minutes total in the last 2 years. I went out drinking in college a little. I can't remember the last time I've been drunk. That's not because I have more self control than others, I'm just lucky in that I'm not tempted as badly to do things some people become addicted to.

I feel sorry for the OP. He has a nasty habit that has caused him problems. She is justifiably angry at him. We have no way of knowing her side. I'll bet with no sex from her husband, she was feeling terrible.
But, I do think there is sime shakiness on her side here that he doesn't know about. And I don't think his porn addiction was started on purpose to hurt her.
I think this is just an all around tragedy. It would be good if they could both own whatever problems they have and seek help and work toward a successful marriage.
And I think the OP sees his guilt and would be willing to try.

If she is unwilling to work further, he needs to ACCEPT that she is done and move on, working on himself to get healthy mentally with the porn thing. It was obviously a huge problem because he was ignoring his wife's needs.
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post #48 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 05:32 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

Good evening
I don't think this is really about porn, but that it was just the last straw.

That said, my opinion is that porn is fine if it is not substituting for affection for a partner. I am particularly supportive of porn when someone is regularly being turned down by their partner.
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post #49 of 79 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 06:27 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

He stated the porn right after honeymoon and wouldn't make love to his wife. It very well could be the start and end of the problem
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post #50 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-01-2016, 03:53 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

Sounds like to me she was looking for a way out to begin with. Although, the porn is pretty disrespectful. I know some couples are okay with watching it but some are not, that boundary needs to be established in the relationship. Some people think that it's cheating or not right to look at porn and then they feel not good enough...but others don't care. See what I mean? If you two haven't established a boundary there or talked about it, I would explain to her that you are very sorry for hurting her feelings and that you will not do it again, go to counseling, etc. If that isn't good enough for her then just leave her alone, she is obviously still angry and nothing will get to her right now. I would find legal counsel and see what you could do about this or what may happen and then just give your wife space but fulfill your promise of not looking at pornography again while you two are still together. Clear cache and history on your phone and be done with it. Is this stemming from a porn addiction or was this just a random thing you did?
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post #51 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-01-2016, 05:58 PM Thread Starter
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I have no doubt that the porn has hurt my wife terribly. She is so upset that she cannot speak to me unless the kids are interacting with us. She is drinking heavily and smoking more than usual. She keeps watching self help videos on youtube and crying. I know I wasn't the happiest most dynamic husband and I did neglect her needs big time. The porn has ruined everything and I don't even recognise the woman since this came out. I do not suspect any other men but do buy into the idea that this was the last straw. It's early days but she is wanting me to leave the house asap as she says she cannot start healing seeing my face around all the time. I wish I could just disappear and give her space but with new year holidays and no money, it's very difficult. My youngest daughter was crying as she thinks her daddy is leaving which is crushing for me. I feel scared, alone and miss the woman I love. She tells me she wants to move on with her life. Could we ever be a family again? It's hope which keeps me going if I change my ways and get help maybe one day? Should I just walk away and start a new life? I can't live without my kids but don't want to just see them every now and then. I wish I could fall out of love with her as she has such a hold on me.
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post #52 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-07-2016, 04:03 AM Thread Starter
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I am taking on board alot of advice here. I agree that the porn damaged my marriage and have come to terms that it controlled me by making me prefer it over my wife. It became easy to go and get off on porn than make an effort to be romantic and have intimacy with her. I don't quite get how the cycle became so string or how I could be happy to go without sex with her because she really is stunning. She said to me last night that there were times when I would treat her like a queen and look geniunly happy for a few days and then withdraw and not show any affection at all. To me it felt like the real me was deep inside in a cage wanting to show my family how much I loved them. I need help and I have a counselling assessment in two weeks. I want her back but know that its pointless right now. I hear alot about working on myself and 'moving on' but what is that? If I get help, get mentally more focused, rid myself of the poison that has ruled my life for years, then what? How will my wife notice if I live elsewhere? I would only see her when collecting the kids for 5 minutes. I'm scared stiff. I want to do the right thing for once in my life but can't just let go of my wife.
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post #53 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 08:57 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

Cocaine addiction v porn habit.

Yeah. Clearly the porn habit is far worse.

The ravings did they have a feeling of paranoia about them?

Perhaps of junkie speak?

Just a thought..
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post #54 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 09:00 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

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Originally Posted by Mr The Other View Post
This is the empathy level of a 7 year old. If a man came to me upset and about to divorce his wife because he found such images on his wife's phone, I would think he was an idiot. If he had such images on his own phone (the equivalent in this case), I would tell him she was better of without him.

People react differently to different things. There is nothing inherently disgusting in am image, but what we bring to it. That is the challenge of empathizing, not thinking that things are inherently good or bad and getting annoyed at men for getting it wrong.
This isn't about him having pictures on his phone


Perhaps you should read up on his neglecting of his wife in favote of porn.

Would you advise s guy to stay married to a woman who watched big c0ck porn and neglected him?

That's what this is about, not some pictures.
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post #55 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 09:44 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

Andy,

If it is really a compulsion you can't control, get to an SAA meeting.

Don't wait for counseling.

Start today.

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post #56 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-10-2016, 01:37 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
This isn't about him having pictures on his phone


Perhaps you should read up on his neglecting of his wife in favote of porn.

Would you advise s guy to stay married to a woman who watched big c0ck porn and neglected him?

That's what this is about, not some pictures.
Frankly, the big **** porn might not be a deal breaker. In some cases they might like watching it together. Context is everything. In the case of a man who has a porn addiction, it is a big deal.
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post #57 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-10-2016, 09:23 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

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Frankly, the big **** porn might not be a deal breaker. In some cases they might like watching it together. Context is everything. In the case of a man who has a porn addiction, it is a big deal.
Maybe, but when you neglect your spouse everything is a big deal.

Particularly when you're newlyweds. .... you wreck the foundation of the marriage before it's even built.
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post #58 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-10-2016, 11:10 AM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

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Maybe, but when you neglect your spouse everything is a big deal.

Particularly when you're newlyweds. .... you wreck the foundation of the marriage before it's even built.
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I agree.
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post #59 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-10-2016, 06:29 PM
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Re: Wife found porn on my phone and wants a divorce

But we have to ignore the elephant in the room that his wife is a cokehead?
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post #60 of 79 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 07:27 AM Thread Starter
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Wife came back from her weekend..No change to her coldness towards me. Thankfully the kids were full of joy and wanted to play so it broke the ice. I think the best thing I can do here is take positive actions and not look for reassurance or an over night change of heart. I have counselling next week, seeing the lawyer tomorrow to learn my rights, am seeing the priest today, I'm much better with the kids, my wife knows I am trying to get help and I'm going to have porn filter installed by my provider later..any other actions I can take?
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